Runaway Train

I wish I knew how the on/off trigger worked in my mind, where I can be completely fine one moment, and suddenly a feeling of...despair? washes over me in less than a minute and completely and absolutely changes my outlook.  Why?  How?  It can't be normal, right?  If it were, people would talk about it, there would be a name for it.  People would be on the phone and say - oh, "nameofphenomenon" just hit me, feeling really bad, talk to you later." RIGHT?  There would be a slang term for it in urbandictionary.

I have been working so, so, so hard this week, trying to finish the last of my wreath orders that are late.  I have mostly been working on the 13 large boxwood wreaths and am mostly done.  I have worked all day, stayed up all night then worked the entire next day when I returned home from Thanksgiving.  Since then, I have been working hard, nonstop, every day.

My fingers!  They have the top layer of skin peeled from my each of my fingertips, bloody hangnails, small blisters where parts of my fingers have continually rubbed some part of a tool over and over.  The worst is what I assume is a small but deep cut on the end of my left index fingertip.  I have bandaids on the ends of every finger that keep fraying as I continue to work with them.  Even typing now is not easy but at least not painful with the bandaids.

I was so excited to start decorating for Christmas.  My creativity had really kicked in and I had all sorts of ideas - inside and out.  I even watched Elf this morning, but I just could not make a smaller boxwood wreath.  I was making the most idiotic of mistakes and finally realized I had to walk away, but not before that awful feeling washed over me.

I do not feel like writing about how I feel, but no need to.  I actually thought, as the realization of the despair sunk in, I was feeling *exactly* like "Runaway Train".

Exactly.

I was wrong.  I do still think in music.


Kanye and Mentally Ill Creative Artists

Looking back, I always knew there was something about Kanye that...made him very impulsive with his emotions and at times using poor judgment because of it.  I never thought much about it, about his being mentally ill, although now I see the signs were there.

Who analyzes people for mental illness for absolutely no good reason in their daily lives?  That sounds depressing and way too much focus on other's behavior.  I would rather shrug it off as "well, that was certainly weird".  I can't save the world or judge others, let alone be some weirdo trying to warn Kanye he is mentally ill.

Yet, again, looking back from years ago, the impulsive things he said and did, I can't think of any that weren't really incorrect in what he said, it was more very shocking in the way he did it.  The message he was conveying was met with horror because of the method of his delivery.

Yet - I do not know how long it has been going on, but he has been IMMENSELY creative in so many areas!  Before he was admitted to the hospital, I wondered how he was doing it.  So many ideas on such a grand scale, things no one had done before nor thought of previously.

One thing always bothered me about him though and I did not understand why no one said much about it.  Everything else I shrugged off as personality and talent, but this one thing, just this one thing I could not understand.

He talked about himself like...he was some sort of God.  He was THE best, THE original, THE all knowing, all everything....I mean really - Yeezus?  Who else does that without people around them saying hey - you have to know (not saying because of "Yeezus") that you are not a God, right?

I do not know enough about personality disorders, but I just assumed that is what it was.  He must be a narcissist or another personality disorder that fits how he thinks of himself.

That could still be true, right?  Or could he have had grandiosity from mental illness ALL OF THIS TIME?

How would I even know - I have no clue what "normal" is and if it even exists or is something elusive that no one ever achieves.

That part did not seem like an act, he always seemed sincere to me, so passionate about many, many things.

I really, really worry about him.  While yes, I am sure he has plenty of people who are concerned about him, I also see that there are a LOT of haters and poisonous people out there towards him.

One of my biggest concerns for Kanye, because I do think he is absolutely a creative genius, is that like all of us with mental illness who are creative he will be put on medication that may stifle it.  Sure, doctors will say "oh no, your creativity shouldn't change".  Bullshit.

Does that person feel more stable?  Better?  Less extreme highs and lows?  There goes a chunk of creative inspiration.  For me, my best and most original creativity comes from intense, overwhelming pain, giddiness, that annoying agitation/irritation, or whatever extreme feeling I have at that moment.  Take those away, give me blah which psychiatrists INSIST I do not have the "blahs", and sure, I am so much less inspired.

However, different feelings, for me, lend itself to different forms of creativity.  Depression forces me inward, and I find myself reflecting and writing.  I express happiness outwardly with making anything and everything beautiful around me, I love making things like extravagant home decor projects and of course my wreaths.  Agitation?  Ha, definitely creative, probably the most original ideas I ever have, and also the most impulsive I get until I recognize it as hypomania.  I very rarely get this way, but it is so intense, it would be fascinating to somehow harness that creative energy during this time as it is so strong.  Not sure how to focus my mind though, it rarely happens and does not last long.

I watched a video of an extremely, extremely talented painter who was agitated yet so very passionate.  FYI:  No idea if he is mentally ill - I assume he is not, but whatever it is he has, I crave it, yet I have a feeling it comes with something not so comfortable.  Anyway, I loved every second of the short clip he talked about his work, his life, and I wanted the painting he was working on so badly.  Agitated and passionate - this is what one person does in that mental state.  His political views do not represent my own and is not why I am posting the link (for myself so I can find it later!), but because his creative energy that drives him is very inspirational to me.

This guys paints American flags and doesn't give a FUCK.

In NO way am I comparing myself to someone like Kanye, only that I think it is such a lie that medication does not take away someones creativity when a big part of being inspired comes from intense emotion.

People simply still do not understand mental illness.  When I thought back and started putting all of the puzzle pieces together, I was astounded that I had not seen what was so obvious, but like I said, I do not make a point of doing that.  Sure, sometimes someone does something that smacks you in the face.

I remember years ago watching Robin Williams on a talk show being the comedic genius that he was.  He could go from one topic to another so quickly and talking so rapidly that I had to really pay attention.  That's when it hit me - oh my gosh, he may actually have to be in some sort of hypomania to do this.  The pressured speech, the pacing, it was all there.  Yes, he was hysterical and I was laughing so hard, but at the same time...people love being around me when I am hypomanic - the life of the party.  Fun, talkative, doing unexpected and outlandish things - very similar.

I do sometimes find the words in songs to describe exactly how I feel, the out of control feeling, wondering why I am the way I am.  Billy Joel has a song called "I Don't Know Why I Go To Extremes" that is PERFECT for how I feel with my moods being, and oh my gosh I hate this, but "unacceptable to society" too high and too low.

I was watching a concert of his yesterday, and he played a song that he said was from an old album.  He said the song he had written had been in no way a hit, but he wanted to "play it for all of the manic depressives out there".

I KNEW it!  I am not glad for him that he/if he has bipolar disorder, but it explains everything.

Billy Joel - I Go To Extremes




Pleasant Thanksgiving in Dallas

"Hello" she said, to no one there.  That is how I feel when starting a blog entry!  I could not be more okay with that - I have to write for myself and not worry about others judging me, as I know those that may read this will do.  Again - that is okay. : )

Got back from Dallas last night - had a good (dare I say great?) trip!  Only big mishap was a stupid medication interaction I had.  Imitrex (only 1/8th of a pill!) with Dramamine, the original formula, not the less drowsy kind.  I was at Mark's parents house in the spare bedroom asleep during Thanksgiving dinner.  No complaints really, I do not miss what I have no idea may or may not have happened.  My brother in law's girlfriend made a nice little plate for me (I guess no one else thought to do that??), and everyone understood about my sleeping.

I told Mark's mother, a retired nurse, what I had done with the medication that I was so surprised had made me so sleepy.  When I woke up, she had looked in some of kind of drug book she had and told me why it had made me so sleepy, but that my reaction was not normal and I should not take dramamine again.  Mark had filled her in that I always needed at least the rest of the day if not longer to recover after taking it.

No big deal - I should have remember the ear patches for motion sickness,

It was good to see Mark's family.  I really like all of them now, when I used to be so uncomfortable and absolutely hate his family gatherings.  I even skipped some, staying home even though we lived in DFW along with them.

His sister and I had a "spa day" the day after Thanksgiving, and it was SO relaxing.  I suggested we make it a tradition from now on.

I have decided she is very like Mark.  She has this personality I love through text - it seems so outgoing with exclamation points and lots of emojis.  But when I am with both in person, that is not them at all.  They are not outgoing like their texts, they are introverted although his sister less so, yet it seems more so since I know her less.  It is so hard to describe.

His sister in law (married to his brother) came over, everyone assumes it was just to see Mark and I, not them, and I think by Mark and I, they really mean so his sister in law could see me because we absolutely adore each other.  I could talk and talk to her - she is SO warm and friendly and loving, and I sat between her and my teenage niece and we chatted up a storm.  I felt so loved nestled between them - it was very genuine and my adoration is real love for them and feels so warm and good.  I do not let people in like that nor do people make me feel they way they do hardly ever.  It was SO SO nice to feel that way.  I will cherish the time I spent with them this Thanksgiving for a long time, although it was short.

Yes, I do know that his sister in law does not like anyone else in Mark's family besides us.  She especially, especially despises their mother who tries so hard to get along, but my sister in law will not really even acknowledge her presence, even though she is in her house.  There is a history, and she and I have bonded over certain things because we are the only sisters in law.  Neither of us like that our husbands went through certain things and do not understand it, the continued pain they go through - not easy to watch.  There is no one else for us to talk to about many things concerning the family - mainly the parents.

For me, it is WAY more than that though.  She is my only ally when it comes to certain things.  I can say - what the F is the deal with the parents?!?  Why do they DO that and does it drive you NUTS too?  And she is the ONLY one in the entire world who GETS IT!  haha! : )

But about the sister in law and his family, sure, the other family members (even Mark!) can tell me about how much she (because her husband, their brother is, in my opinion, a better actor around them in pretending everything is okay when it comes to them) hurts them when she treats their mother a certain way.  OMG their mother is not a piece of china and the victim all of the time.  Hello?  Remember childhood Mark, where YOU are the victim of your parents?

So his mother cries, while all can see but his sister in law because I was with her and I did not see it.  Not because of anything she did but because of what she does NOT do.  Yet I totally get it and really do not care if they do or do not and do not judge her.  Of course I wish we all got along and she could just act like everyone else, but I also admire like HELL that she is not that kind of person.

There is nothing more refreshing to me than genuine people.  I simply could never have enough people around me that I do not have to wonder or worry what they think of me because they are not faking their feelings - about me or about themselves.  The more fake I perceive someone to be, the more I dislike them.  I generally like everyone, but THOSE people - and surely everyone knows who I mean - who you can tell right away are fake, usually because they want something from someone or have ulterior motives - I cannot stand and avoid being around.  Eventually I find myself in a worthless fake conversation with them that I can hardly fake my own smile and I am sure look of distaste on my face.  And that is SOOOOO not like me at ALL.

I am a such a people pleaser - but not to a fake people pleaser.  My God, be genuine in wanting to make people happy.  Like, who doesn't feel good when you make someone else feel better than they did when you first started talking to them?  So many genuine, real things to talk about.  I hate fake people.  Have I said how much I loathe fake people?

ANYWAY!

Because I get along so well with Mark's sister and she did say something like "I don't know what I ever did to HER" to me, I did speak up a bit for her.  However, I did not want to share anything she told me in confidence.  I never talk about either of them to the other, and I can tell they make a point not to talk about the other to me as well.  Now I am unsure I did, but I do not think it was anything critical.

I simply said - your sister-in-law is not totally to blame in this.  She is very protective of her husband (which is her brother).  I told his sister that I have no idea what happened or what her brother told his wife, but I know she is not happy about it, she is not being mean for no reason or something petty.  But again, I do not know 100% of everything, so it came across as perhaps...  I did ask - do you have any idea what your brother could be so hurt about that he would have told her her that it seems like she finds it hard to forgive?  (Knowing full well his sister will never say this to his mother - cry = fragile china = victim = family rallies behind her)

So although Mark and his sister were pissed that their sister in law "made their mother cry" by snubbing her, when I later asked them this (separately), they did admit, quite dumbfounded - that during the tumultuous time when they admitted Paul was having problems, neither have any idea what their parents could have done.  They have no memory of it, just that it was a hard time between their parents and brother.  I truly wanted to know - what in the world did their parents do to their brother that would have made my sister in law so angry and unforgiving?

They are both quite a bit younger than their brother - 6 or more years? so I had a good idea they would have no idea.

I am not saying my sister in law is right, but I do not know what happened, I do not like quite a few things that happened to my own husband though I do realize no parent is perfect and almost all parents fuck up their children in some way.  While I do not know what happened to their brother, and I do realize that no matter what has happened to someone, their pain is real, just as real as mine is about my own childhood.  That has taken awhile to sink in - that I need to allow my husband to have his pain about his childhood.  For the longest time, I thought he was a big crybaby to complain, spoiled even.  He sure did live a cozy childhood when I compare it to my own hellish nightmare of an existence.  I wanted to "throw him to the wolves" of my childhood for awhile to see what a painful childhood and painful childhood memories was all about.

But...now I realize...he does not have that reference in his mind, does not have that experience.  His pain and what was hell to him is real.  Does not mean it does make him seem like a pussy to me.

Yes, I know, empathy is "supposed" to be one of my biggest strengths".  But come on, seriously people?  However..they are still together, meeting for the holidays.

Wish I could stay the same, that I was meeting with my family, ick - would have to cross a few names off though.  In blood.  Their blood.  That I have cut from their finger with a sharp razor blade in a single, painful slice.

They could then be provided with a small band-aid to stop the bleeding of the finger cut, but not by me.  I would designate someone in another room where I would not see comfort for them of any kind.

LOLOL.  So evil yet fun to write.  HAHA.

Yes, pleasant Thanksgiving.  Hope everyone did as well! : )






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