Just Documentation

A quick update on my last post - I confronted Mark on his attitude last weekend the night after the concert, and he was not even aware of the attitude I explained, and right away, he apologized profusely.  It was so immediate, I was not expecting that at all, I was expecting some sort of denial.  I was really taken aback and did not know how to react or feel.  I found myself initially still angry, but then thought...he apologized right away and seemed very sincere - what else could I expect from confronting him?  So I kept to myself for a short while and my anger went away quickly.

I am pretty lost as to what is wrong with me.  I simply have to document this in my blog for reference, this is a main reason I journal.

I have felt so horrible for several weeks now.  Crazy anxiety with nothing that would help alleviate at all.  I was doing really well with the increase of Zonegran from 150 to 200, but it seemed that when I increased that small amount, that is when the whole thing happened.  Then I thought it was green tea mixed with Zonegran, then fruit/Zonegran, etc etc.  Anxiety has been controlling my life and just about everything I do or mostly, do not do.

For some reason, I assumed it was heartburn, and have been drinking antacid straight out of the bottle - 10 bit gulps at a time, taking 4 Prilosec a day, and I am not sure if it helped at all.  I thought the heartburn from the drug interactions was causing my anxiety and stomach problems.  One day I felt so horrible, the diarrhea (sorry) was so severe and I was so, so fatigued that I gave up and went to bed in the afternoon.  The next day I woke up, strangely calm and without anxiety and thought maybe I was sick the day before.  Yet it did not seem like I was sick.

I was on my way to my psychiatrist yesterday having already decided to tell her I could not take Zonegran any longer, even though I have taken the same dosage in the past and it actually helped my anxiety to the point of being virtually nonexistent.

Since that was the only thing that had been changed for psychiatric medications, I started thinking back to anything else I had changed and then it hit me.  But yet, I do not know for sure this is what my problem is, and I think I am annoying my psychiatrist by trying to figure this out myself, yet she would have never known this so I do not think she could have thought of it.  So...fine, be annoyed.  I will never stop researching my own health.

In the beginning of Spring, my allergies go so, so bad and I started getting a lot of really bad headaches that would turn to migraines if I did not take my migraine medication (Imitrex).  I normally take one or two per month and have never noticed any problems with it, or if I did have problems, I do not remember nor associate it with anything.

I started taking about 8 per month - every month including this month.  I have one left until the end of August.  So I did a quick search on Imitrex, and wouldn't you know what I found!  ALL of my symptoms, where heartburn or Zonegran did not ever really match closely what was wrong with me.
On PsychCentral, there was a whole article about it - how people who suffer from anxiety and panic as well as migraines had to choose when they got a migraine which would be worse - deal with the migraine or deal with the anxiety from taking a migraine medication.

So that is what I told her I had found. But it also mentioned Serotonin Syndrome which the pharmacist had warned me about with Imitrex, but my family doctor is really, really careful about what he prescribes.  She said I did not have it, it was much more serious than my symptoms, and THAT may have led to her irritation.

She looked up Imitrex and said it was quite possible that could be the problem.  I do not think she just went along with me (not that she would anyway), because e did not take me off of Zonegran.  We went back to 150 mg instead of the 200mg.  Also - take Prilosec daily and make an appointment with an allergist.  I do have an allergist but have only seen her once, enough to know how bad I am allergic to certain things in the air - the most extreme being dust.  Not just dust mites but actual dust as well.  And it is true, it makes me feel awful.  People may think their house is clean, but when I walk in, sure, it is tidy and clean, but that does not mean they do not have a lot of dust and not necessarily layers of dust on furniture.  I know my mother in law is a bit OCD and believes she keeps a very tidy and clean house, but it is not although I would never tell her.

We have a maid service, and I constantly, constantly, constantly stress how there can be absolutely NO DUST anywhere in the house. Sure, the house gets messy, the dishes may pile up, but I'll be damned if there is any dust - HA!  You won't find any.

Wow, got off on a tangent.  So I am back to taking my regular maintenance allergy medications as I *think* that should help my migraines that are caused by allergies.  I do always take Singular, but I also have a prescription nose spray and asthma inhaler.  I know, too many medications which is why I slack off of the allergy/asthma stuff.  My body just does NOT want to ingest that much medication.

But...I will still get a migraine here and there so...I will go the the very rude allergist again who insists and will not back down that Bailey - my much adored 6 pound dog can not sleep with me in bed.  I am not allergic to him, but to what he gets on him when he is outside.  Neither of us would budge, so I just did not go back.  But...she was a really good doctor, so I will go back to her.

K - documentation done.

Working On Myself, Try Number Two Million and Three

So...I over reacted to our marriage counselor.  I was way more irritated than I should have been.  Was I irritable to the point of being hypomanic?  I am trying to answer that myself.  I cannot exactly explain the situation to HER, and I do not want to tell my psychiatrist either.  The last thing I want is some medication that will bring me DOWN to depression level when I am not depressed.

#1 - There were a few days in a row when I took an extra Adderall because I was freaked out about how much I had to do.  #2 - When I increased the Zonegran,, the out of this world heartburn caused major anxiety that nothing would help.  That high of an anxiety level had me freaking out.  Mark (blah!) thought I was very anxious.  #3 - I really had been annoyed about all of the things I talked about in my last post.

We saw her yesterday morning, and even though I did not feel that intense irritation, I did not want anything to trigger it.  As annoyed as I was, about real things, I knew I could...snap is not quite the right word - it brings a mental image that is not what I mean.  Trigger the irritation?

She wasn't her normal loopy self, and Mark had made me realize her personality had changed since she had started losing weight.  Talking more and so energetic compared to before.  Like I said - she had started interrupting me, but she was much more chilled out yesterday.

Once before in my blog, I wrote about my frustrations with her, and the next time we went to counseling, she had stopped doing them.  It was pretty much the same way this time.  I cannot imagine she reads my blog.  Even if for some bizarre reason she did, how would she even know it was her?  Well, maybe going on and on about the butcher would be a clue.

I feel much better, started on Friday night back on the intended dosage on Zonegran since I got my horrible heartburn in control with Prilosec - doubling the OTC dosage.  Heartburn does not seem like a strong enough word for what I feel, it is really painful, but maybe it is because it is also mixed in with anxiety, no idea.

We went to what I thought was going to be a Boz Scaggs concert last night with some of Mark's friends.  I only knew one Boz Scaggs song - from Urban Cowboy, but found I did know two more.  I was not aware America was playing before him, and found I knew quite a few of their songs and songs that I like.  They reminded me of when I was a small child and it was a bit surreal.  I enjoyed that part of the concert.

I no longer know what to think of Mark's friends.  Or even Mark - I am not sure we are close at all.  Sure, we go to marriage counseling, but I wonder if we simply cohabitate.

He got this snobby attitude on the way home that TOTALLY pissed me off, I am actually still mad this morning.  I slept in another bedroom.  I do not even want to talk to him this morning.

I guess I should not call him an idiot for this because how could he know, but his friend told him he was his best friend, but not in those words.  It wasn't some declaration, but used in conversation with him.  So when we were walking to our car, he was saying he had no idea he was his best friend.  I told him he is one of your best friends, right?  I am pretty sure he told me that before, and if he did not, I know he is.  ONE of his best friends, and his friend could have meant that as well.

Well idiot Mark!  His friend, in the past, took another job and just went off the grid, stopped calling Mark, emailing, etc., and I think he was hurt about it.  He took another job this time (he went back and left again), and THIS time I sent him a message that we all needed to stay in touch because he was one of Mark's best friends and how important it is that we all stay in touch no matter where anyone works.

Well I can't exactly tell Mark I told his friend that he was one of Mark's best friends FIRST, now I do not know if he would be mad.  He took it like it was a burden.  But yet, is that why he got that F'ing snobby freaking attitude in the car?

And his friends - I don't know, seems like they were treating me differently, kind of submissive.  I have gained a lot of weight, and people do treat others who are overweight differently.  So I totally believe it could be that.

But it could ALSO be that Mark is bad mouthing me to his friends.  Couple their attitude with his snobby attitude (I do not know what else to call it and cannot exactly explain it - just an attitude), and I wonder.

I am not happy with him AT ALL.

I Thought I Could - But Couldn't

I woke up this morning determined to go with my husband to our marriage counseling appointment.  I have been ranting and raving about her since our appointment a week ago.  After that appointment, I thought I would get over it and just forget it, but I have not.  My frustration and irritation - or is it flat out anger?  has only worsened day by day.

I had made a plan.  Before the appointment, no Adderall, no coffee, and klonipin.  Zone out the best I could (the medication wouldn't do that, but I have had many occasions in the past to get plenty of practice)  unless asked a direct question, which should automatically pull me out of my disconnected state.

I woke up early, followed my pre-appointment plan, including the klonipin..  I sat on the couch and played Candy Crush which is relaxing - it makes me focus on the game and not think about anything else.  It doesn't stress me out at all either like most games do.

I realized quickly, as my mind was going to the appointment this morning and going through scenarios in my mind, it would not be the best idea to see her today.  Not for me, not for her.  My irritation level has been growing and growing daily, I realize how hurt I am, annoyed, and if I told her, it wouldn't matter.

Why?  Because she is a therapist, she is supposed to be the professional.  Anything I say, I cannot imagine her owning it.  Maybe that is how she actually would see it, so what would be the purpose of telling her?  I do not WANT to be told it is MY issue and how can we fix MY problem of being irritated over how I MUST have misinterpreted what she said.

She would question my emotional state, any medication changes, the last time I had seen my psychiatrist, was the house clean?  was I keeping up with my order?  (do NOT get me started about the house being clean).  It would not be taking ownership of ANYTHING that *she* might have said or done, it would be all about figuring out what is wrong with ME?

But how can you misunderstand someone talking about going to a fucking butcher for lengths of time?  How do you misunderstand talking about something that has ZERO to do with our marriage for long lengths of time because SHE is passionate about it - like probiotics?  What about telling us all about the conference she went to about nutrition and natural nutrition and how good it was for her, but not just that.

WE should try these probiotics as well, especially me.  You know, maybe take natural remedies and I could go down on my psychiatric medications.  I should tell my psychiatrist that.  Wonder what she would think about the science behind her suggestion.

Another, out of many other, example of long conversations, actually, not really conversations, her just talking at us:  The personality seminar she went to and going into great detail about what HER personality turned out to be, how rare it was, how special she is, with it having absolutely *nothing* to do with us?

It is chunks of time that we pay for to listen to her week after week.

So, so many things have been building up, but it was her insensitivity about MY studio and for some reason, the fucking butcher that sent me over the edge.  Week after week, it seemed like she was bringing up going to the butcher, pondering why there are so few butchers left with Mark keeping her talking about it by giving his opinion over NOTHING THAT HAS TO DO WITH US!

I knew what would happen today.  Even though I had kind of snapped at her FINALLY when she asked me "Why don't you go to a butcher?" and I said because I hate meat, I was a vegetarian for a year and she sighed and looked annoyed as she looked away, it did not mean she wouldn't bring it up again.

And IF she did, I know I may not be able to control myself.  Maybe I should have said this to her from the start, but I am not going there to talk about FUCKING BUTCHERS!  She was the one who brought it up!  I was a vegetarian because I could not eat dead animal carcass.  Meat was once a living, breathing, and most of the time a very gentle animal - like cows.

Going to a butcher is like going to a house of horrors - in a way - to me.  Being surrounded by death?  REALLY?  I do not go nor look at the butcher at the grocery store either.  I quickly buy pre-packaged and get the hell out of there.

So STOP about the fucking butcher!

But it is not just about the butcher, that is just one example and for some reason my mind has really latched onto that because it is just so far fetched and I cannot fathom the reason it comes up weekly.  *I* think SHE wants to talk about it because she is excited that Saturday - our marriage counseling day - is the day that she would go, now delegated to her husband, to the fucking butcher.  So SHE wants to talk about it.  And she always says that - and maybe even talks about what he is going to buy, what kinds of meat they have there, etc.  In her defense, I have not told her butchers really kind of offend me, but why in the world would I ever have thought this necessary information to share if it never occurs to me because I now realize I have learned to avoid it enough that it does not bother me?

Mark told me last night - why are you making these things about you and getting so upset?

O. M. G.  I thought I would hit the roof.  I said HELLO?  We are in counseling?  How ludicrous is it for me to think we are paying her to talk about anything other than us - that she would talk about her personal life for NO REASON?  So yes, I do make it about myself, because am I not SUPPOSED to??

So while Mark was not happy I was not going, which is understandable, we DO go to talk about our relationship, I cannot imagine missing anything really.  How much time do we really spend talking about US anyway?

A new marriage counselor.  Going more in depth, hard work, perhaps lots of pain.

I think maybe we have turned our Saturday mornings into kind of a "date morning".  We have this standing appointment, so we leisurely have a Saturday morning breakfast which includes this absolutely ridiculous appointment.  I am not saying I have not gotten anything from it, I have.

I do feel attacked lately, the same tired things keep getting brought up, and right now, I need a break.

So glad I am able to have one today.

I think it is quite obvious the worst possible place for me to be today was meeting with HER.

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