It is not unusual for me to wake up in the middle of the night, and many times I stay up. The night before last, I woke up around 1 or 1:30. I turned on the television, and I have no idea why, but no matter what station we have left the tv on when we turn it off, when we turn it on it is always on CNN. It is the weirdest thing.
When I turned on the television that night/morning, it was in the middle of the Dallas police shootings. I watched a lot of it live. I moved here not long ago from Dallas, after living there for 25 years. I have been on the street where the shootings were happening. I have family and friends in Dallas. I absolutely could NOT believe what I was seeing - and it was made so much more traumatic because of where it was.
The rest of the day I was extremely sad. I kept trying to explain to myself how I felt - heavy hearted? Although my body was in the Chicago 'burbs, my heart and mind were most certainly "home".
And then I logged onto Facebook, where most of the people I know are in Dallas. O.M.G.
I think I need to take a full on break from Facebook. This is the second time in one-two weeks I have been upset. But it is not for the normal reasons I hear people get upset - jealousy or whatever, but because I care about someone and they disappoint me or I just get hurt from being sensitive when
someone I care about feels pain.
I *thought*, several years ago, by unfriending certain people who made me feel, overall...yucky - and it was a lot of people, this would never happen. It has worked. But not for this.
What I saw on Facebook, in my opinion, was a race war. No one would EVER call it that, on either side, but I do not know that many are trying to see both sides. I *want* to see both sides, but am limited to my own experiences of course.
Normally caring and thoughtful people were saying such negative, hateful things. I was upset because that is not them, that is not who they are, and was so, so sad that someone and something had made them feel that way. Yes, some have already been involved in certain movements, but they did not have this kind of anger before.
When I moved to Chicago, the violence stunned me. I started watching the news, thinking that would be the best way to learn about my new city. That did not last long. I was absolutely horrified at what I watched and the stories I heard. I could not believe this level of violence, on a daily basis, was considered normal, The things that shocked me weren't even things that people even cared enough, if they knew about them, to talk about. To me they were HUGE, to natives it was just another news story.
So when the horribly tragedy happened in Dallas, I knew how badly the community would be shaken. Compared to Chicago which is terribly, terribly hardened and numb to any sort of violence, Dallas is sheltered from such an extreme level. Why in the world things like that do not happen here I have no idea. I would think this would be the hotbed of everything racial, yet if it happens, it does not seem to be a huge deal. If what happened in Dallas happened in Chicago, the majority of people would go on the next day without too much emotion. But then again, *I* am sheltered from much of what goes on in Chicago living where I do. I can not imagine living in the city, but living in a suburb that is closer? Yes, would love that.
Something that I have done a few times, and on both days when I have gotten overly and overwhelmingly emotional, is taken an extra Adderall. Of course I have not told my psychiatrist/therapist that.
On days when I feel so much pressure and anxiety when I am behind in work, it is way too tempting not to do that. I KNOW that is not why it is prescribed - for extra energy and focus to get out more wreaths, but to help me focus like a NORMAL PERSON. So I can watch a tv show, get to a point where perhaps I am able to CONSIDER going to a movie without panicking that I will be stuck in a seat for a few hours with nothing else to do while my mind bounces from here to there.
A large group of us saw Duran Duran last night, and even though it was my teenage heart throb boy band, it absolutely dampered my mood with friends and my experience. I even sent a text to my psychiatrist - I was feeling THAT LOW.
She must think I am losing it. I can not do that with Adderall again and see if that is affecting me. If not, and this is not normal, then I have got a big problem with being overly emotional. I do not like it and it is affecting my life in a major way that needs to change.