It's weird...it's like, suddenly...there's hardly anything there with my online friend. I talked to him today, but...it just wasn't the same. I wasn't upset or anything, my stomach wasn't doing flip flops, and I was almost bored. I'm pretty sure he feels the same. Why suddenly?

I don't feel like there's anything much left to do with my character in the game, either. At least, nothing fun. I could create a new one, but that's a lot of work. Most people create an "alt", but that's never appealed to me. To be honest, my "role" that I play in "dungeons", I don't even like. It's too stressful, and I don't have any fun. What I do is a necessity in every group so I get asked constantly to do it, but I hate it. Why keep doing something that is so stressful and that I hate? And keep working on a character whose role is to do that?

I told Mark on the phone that I wanted to go out more, like tomorrow night, Friday night, our normal night when go out that I've been missing for the last few months. I don't think he believes me just yet. I also told him I wanted to go to the movies, and maybe to the mall. I have about $3000 in my 'spending account" now, so I can go wild with clothes and hair if I want, and trust me, I NEED to do it.

I'm starting to work harder at work - keeping a balance between game and work is still difficult, maybe because I HATE my job so much, but I'm working on it. I was just now sending out an email, and it's 6:00p. I know that HE is online right now, planning on going to bed early, yet I logged off knowing this. HE even said that I needed to start getting out, probably because I told him that my friends had been complaining. What does he know, though? It actually pissed me off that he would get into my personal life like that and give me advice. HE should get a girlfriend. Maybe he has one, who knows? I guess he could even be married?

I dunno, right this VERY SECOND I feel like making a change. That doesn't mean in an hour I won't be anxious again or whatever.

Maybe small changes build up into one big change for good?

Yesterday started out well enough - I worked harder than I had in awhile, and my thoughts were closer (read: CLOSER) than they have been in a long time to being normal.

I thought my online friend was supposed to be working last night. WRONG, and it completely threw me off and took me by surprise. I still played my game, but we hardly talked to each other. I was terribly anxious the whole time. I kept wondering...if he's not talking to me, who is he talking to, and he may have been wondering the same, but I'm purely speculating. There is a goal I'm trying to reach and I am *so close*, and then he asked me to do something with him, and apparently he had tried to ask me several times and I had totally missed his messages. I had already taken my nighttime meds is the only explanation I have. Finally I saw one of the messages, but it was too late, the group had already been formed, and he apologized for it, saying he'd tried to get my attention for ten minutes. I was shocked - a message coming from him that I missed? But sure enough, I looked at my screen, and there were three recent ones where he was desperately trying to reach me. But it wasn't like that all last night. At one point before this, I said "so are we in some kind of argument?", and he just said "no, I keep getting disconnected", which I honestly had not noticed. I guess I really wasn't paying much attention to him last night, obviously on purpose. It hurts too much, and I don't want to know what he is doing and where in the game. Who is pulling away? Me or him? I don't know. Maybe both? It seems like he is, but if I say something to him, he responds back right away.

Anyways, I fell asleep at my computer, and who knows what was said. I DO know that someone, and I don't know who, said "you fell asleep at your computer again, didn't you" when I woke up, and I think I wrote something back unintelligible, and turned off my computer and went to bed. I have NO IDEA who it was, but I know it wasn't him, and I didn't tell him goodnight, which was our "unspoken rule".

BLAH - too much about HIM. See how my thoughts are all wrapped up? But actually, today, I'm much better than I *was* when I was about to throw up and had anxiety attacks and wanted to take a bottle of klonipin. As much as I HATE it, I do need space, but I don't WANT it.

I AM going to start going to the movies, to the mall, to dinner, do all of the things I should do and want to do and need to do instead of playing that STUPID GAME all of the time. There is no reason to play 24x7 now that my feelings aren't wrapped around some fantasy relationship.

I can still reach my goals in the game, do a good job at work, be a good wife, and not be OBSESSED with a stupid online fantasy world. I think the more time I spend away from it in the REAL world, the less I'll see the online world as real. Does that make sense?

I now think I can do this on my own. It's just going to take a little (or lot) of pain, some tears, and triumph at the end.

Eventually, hopefully, I'll slowly find things to fill up the vacuum of time that is now spent playing the online game, which is the biggest problem for me, especially when Mark is out of town.

Well, I guess my relationship with my "online friend" has turned hostile now?

I woke up around 4:30 this morning and felt wide awake. I thought I'd go "fishing" on my online game just for something to do, and he was online. Right away, he said "what the hell are you doing on?", which is quite hostile, I thought later. At the time, I guess I was still half asleep and didn't think much about it. I didn't say hello or anything - I wasn't prepared for a confrontation at that time of the morning! My brain wasn't functioning! I just said "couldn't sleep. thought I'd go fishing". Without saying goodbye or ANYTHING, he logged off right away. We *never* logoff without saying goodbye, it's almost an unspoken rule. Actually, not even unspoken. He's gotten mad at me in the past for going to bed and not saying goodnight - barely speaking to me the next day. I know, so juvenile. Yet, he it on purpose. I wasn't that shocked, though.

I could speculate all day long and say sending the in-game jewelry back without a message really upset or hurt him, or he was tired from working, or whatever, but in the end, who cares? I actually feel RELIEVED in a way. I feel like I can work today without being distracted hopefully (besides this blog entry), and part of me wishes it could just stay like this.

Without this "online relationship", I've definitely been more affectionate to Mark, even though he's out of town. I miss him being here, and spend time talking to him on the phone and giving him the attention he deserves. I honestly wasn't doing that for awhile, not that I remember.

I think I can stop obsessing over the game SO MUCH now. The only problem I have is...I STILL don't know what to do with my time!!! There's a vacuum of space that I don't know how to fill. Once Mark gets home, I'll see if we can start doing things together again. Taking a few hours here and there to go to dinner and movies and things like that will be a good start, I think.

And working hard at work!!!!!

I feel SOOO anxious today. It's to the point that I'm running to the bathroom every few hours. My stomach is churning, and I'm not sure why? What am I so anxious about, anyway? Everything is in my hands, it's up to me to make decisions, so why am I so frightened or scared?

My online friend must have gotten the "ingame jewelry" back that I sent him, because I checked, and he did logon when he got home around 4:30a. But he was logged on the game waaaay longer than he normally is when he works nights. I used to get up around 5:30 and drink coffee until about 8:00a and play while I woke up, but I've long since stopped that and have opted to sleep in, not that he knew I had stopped. He was on until around 6:00 - 6:30, which is very unusual. We never used to "catch" each other online during those times in the past, but this morning, we would have. Was he waiting for me to come online? It makes me sick to think so. Physically ill.

I literally can not deal with this any longer. Obviously it consumes way too much of my time, but it also consumes my thoughts outside of the game, too.

How many people can read about the same old thing, day after day? I don't ask anyone to read my blog, it's only here for me to vent. That's why I created it. A place for me to put down my thoughts and feelings, originally without worrying what anyone thought of me, or if they judged me. This is REALLY HARD, and to step back I'm sure it seems so simple as to what to do, but unless you're me, you can't possibly understand.

I'm sure the answer is to delete the game from my harddrive, and throw away the discs so I can't reinstall it. Make it as hard as possible to play the game - have to actually drive to the store and purchase it and reinstall it to play, giving myself plenty of time to think about what I was doing.

Something will drive me to that point, right? I hope it's not losing my job. Or Mark. Mark has always been an angel sent to me from heaven. WHY in the world he puts up with me, I don't know. He refuses to say I have a problem, but says if *I* think I do, then okay. He assumes that he can keep it all in check, so I must be able to do the same, and doesn't really understand that I'm not doing it or able to do it. He's joked about my "online boyfriend" before, so I stopped talking about him, and said he hated it when I "chatted" when I played the game. But those are his only complaints. He's actually said how much "lower maintenance" I am when I play. Does that mean he wants me out of his hair? Or that he feels like he has to entertain me? Or is it his way of allowing me to do what I want?

I've got to run the the bathroom again....

I'm having a pretty bad panic attack right now, and I'm not sure why. It's 11:00p and I should be going to bed, but I feel so sick. My stomach is in a million knots and in my throat, and I'm almost doubled over, but not quite. I just took all of my nighttime meds, and added 4 klonipin to the mix.

I talked to Mark a couple of hours earlier and he doesn't understand why I feel so lonely tonight when he's been traveling for over a year now. I don't know why either? Am I falling apart? I apologized for being neglectful and probably went on and on about it, and he almost sounded uncomfortable, but he was very sweet.

He called again around 9:30p when he was going to bed, and I, of course, was playing that stupid game. But I put everything on hold to talk to him, which I didn't used to do - I would actually let the phone ring and ring and not even answer it (!!) when he called and I was playing if it was intense. But he would know what I was doing because he could logon to the game, too, and see I was on.

What a crazy world I've created for myself!! I need to pick up my Adderall in the morning, I didn't even do it tonight when I am completely out and won't have some for tomorrow morning.

My "online friend", as I said, is working 3 nights in a row, so I won't be talking to him...maybe forever. I guess it's up to me, right? Earlier he sent me some jewelry in the game that was in my inbox - 2 rings and a necklace (it's not like THAT, it's completely different), and I sent them back to him in an ingame email with no message, no subject, no anything. He was trying to help me attain a certain goal in the game, but I didn't need those objects to attain it (too low level), didn't want them, and what did I really have to say? Nothing. So that's what I said in my email. Nothing. I know that's going to send a HUGE message, but of what? He already thinks I don't talk to people when I'm mad at them and has asked if I do the same to him, but I'm not mad at him. Am I? Maybe a little. Or maybe I'm pushing him away before he has a chance to do it first? Am I playing games (not the actual game) with him? I'm SO CONFUSED! I really, really am.

I need reality back in my life. I think I honestly just "woke up" today, but maybe only part-way so far.

As I said, this is bigger than me. I actually prayed for God to help me on my way home from the psychiatrist today for my online game addiction. I guess that's what it is, right? It's been a long time since I remembered to reach out to God for help.

As I was on my way to my psychiatrist to pick up my Adderall re-fill, I convinced myself to stop playing the online game. I almost started crying about it, and I still feel depressed. But as I was in the drive-thru to drop off my prescription, I talked myself into playing it, just not talking to my "online friend" at all.

But the problem is deeper than that. And I think it's bigger than just me. I started facing reality without the game, and my life is so lonely. I have online friends that I actually talk to with my stupid wireless earpiece (what a dork), and they've replaced my old friends. I don't know how to socialize with "real people" any more, even though it's only been 5 months. It seems FOREVER.

Reality is all the things I've been complaining about myself, but also, I don't know what I would do with my time. Watch television? What did I do before the game? I have NO CLUE. I think I watched television and surfed the internet at the same time.

But now I've completely neglected Mark, I realized, and I feel HORRIBLE about it. His birthday came and went, and I did nothing special for it at all. I actually took Seroquel early that night and went to bed before 9:00p. He said I told him we would go to dinner for his birthday the next night, Friday night, and of course I didn't remember. I then didn't want to go to dinner, and it really hurt his feelings. He was pretty upset, but what did I do? Nothing. I just feel YUCKY about myself, and not viewable for the public.

I don't feel like going anywhere now. I feel fat and ugly and old. People online don't see that. I actually have pictures of myself from October on our "guilds website" when I was so much prettier. I know, just 8 months ago? What the hell happened to me?

I know my job is probably or going to be in jeopardy because I don't work like I should, and I'm risking EVERYTHING for it.

But I can't stop. I don't know why. I think of how hard I've worked on my character, and if I stop and pick it back up again, how behind I'll be.

People say "just stop". It's so much HARDER than that. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. It makes me so depressed to think about not playing. I have to face reality, and reality is pretty bad. I've made it bad by playing this STUPID STUPID game!!

As I sit here crying now, how can I logon and play? Yet how can I not to escape because I feel so horrible?

I've tried to call Mark about 10 times, but his phone is just rolling over to voicemail. I want to tell him how SORRY I am for being such a horrible wife these last few months. He plays the game, too, but somehow, he's able to balance everything.

Can I just start cutting back slowly? Play, but just not as much, until I'm not playing at all? I don't know, I don't think so. If my online friend weren't playing, would it be easier? I don't know that either.

I thought I could start going into the office every day, and staying until 4:30-5:00 or so when the traffic gets bad. That would mean I'd be doing my job, hopefully being tired from the drive both ways (30 miles), and working hard. I would have less time to play, and maybe playing wouldn't seem as important anymore. I might actually HAVE A LIFE.

I can't logon, yet I can't not logon. I'm stuck, what do I do? I'm actually frozen right now. I'm crying, and I just want to talk to Mark, yet he won't pick up the phone.

I have no one to turn to, and no one could possibly understand how much this hurts....

The "online friend" relationship has definitely cooled, and I guess is pretty much over? I can't pinpoint exactly what happened or what changed, but I'm not sure I feel the same, and it seems he doesn't either. We're still good friends online, but that might about cover it. It's sad, but also relieving. I won't talk to him for 3 days now since he will be working nights for those days - 12 hours at a time, and doesn't really logon when I'm on. The time span for those 3 days will make us even more distant to each other now, I can tell, instead of bringing us closer like it did in the past.

However, I did stay up until 4:30a on Saturday night while we played, and he wanted me to stay up again last night, but I didn't, of course, because of work. It was just to play though, not to chat.

Mark is leaving for Illinois after work today, so I won't see him until Thursday night, late. He has all of these big plans for each night he'll be there, so basically, I'll have NO one to talk to on those nights. I know I'll be lonely. It's my own fault. I've isolated myself to the point of having no friends now. I'm sure I could call them up (at least I hope) and they would still be there, but I don't know. I shouldn't make my friends so disposable.

I went to dinner with Mark's parents on Saturday night, and surprisingly, had a good time. We spent a couple of hours with them, I guess, and it is always uncomfortable when it's time to go. There's nothing left to say, everyone is quiet, looking down, not knowing how to leave. Except for Mark. He wants to stay and chat, and will keep thinking of topics. Even when we were out at our cars he kept talking, and I guess he is just excited to be with his family, free of the nieces and nephew which always grab the attention. At least that's what he mentioned.

I guess it's time to start work (ugh!). After the girl was let go last week, I'm REALLY nervous about my job. I don't work NEARLY as hard as I should, and I should probably be let go, too.

I don't like how the Abilify is making me feel. While it's true that *maybe* I'm a *little* less obsessed with my "online friend", I don't feel very good. I almost started crying when Mark and I got into an argument last night, but I guess crying during a heated discussion is normal. I haven't cried in FOREVER. Mark commented that when I woke up this morning, I looked like I had the flu - not just tired from waking up, but like I was sick, and I kind of feel sluggish like that. It could be that I started on too high of a dosage - maybe I should have cut the 10mg in half and started with 5mg.

Either way, I didn't take an Abilify this morning. I do NOT want to be obsessed with my online friend any more, but I don't want to feel yucky either. Maybe I AM or WAS manic, and I liked how it made me feel. Now that I'm coming down from the "high", perhaps I don't like it. But sitting around playing an online game for hours on end - how can that be manic? Isn't that depression?

I'm going to dinner with Mark's parents and Mark for his birthday tonight, and I *so* do not want to go. I'm getting dressed up, putting on make-up, wearing my one contact, etc. No sweats today! And I don't feel good on top of it all. Maybe I'll have a margarita at dinner. Mark and his dad always have a beer - why can't I have an alcoholic beverage just because his mother doesn't?

I told my "online friend" that I was going to a dinner party tonight and that I wouldn't be online until later. I don't know why I have to "report" to him. The other night, on Mark's birthday, he logged on and I logged off right away. Yesterday when I logged on, the first thing he asked was "are you mad at me?", and went on to say that I didn't log on for the rest of the night, either. I had no idea he waited for me to logon to talk to me. I told him I was sick. I don't know why I didn't just tell him the truth.

What is wrong with me? I want this to be over, yet....I can't bring myself to end it. He's actually become more of a good friend than anything now.