Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Stuck In A Chicago Suburb!
4:44 PM
Ugh. Being stuck in the house all day, day after day, week after week, is just not healthy! Especially when the weather looks so nice outside! A nice surprise was that as everything started turning green and the lawn care company came to maintain our lawn, slowly tulips began peeking their way out of the garden bed and have bloomed! When you buy a house in the middle of winter that is covered in inches of snow, you have absolutely NO IDEA what you are getting yard-wise. We have some very, very pretty trees - some flowering, tulips in several flower beds, bushes, but for some reason a lot of dandelions - they're everywhere in the whole city! (My suburb, uh...I don't think Chicago has a dandelion problem on the cement and asphalt) : ) It's funny, everyone's yards are pretty clear of dandelions, but then where there are no houses and no one is doing weed control, they're everywhere! I want to take a picture of me and Bailey sitting in a field of dandelions - like everybody does of themselves with their children in Texas when they sit in a field of weeds of the state flower - bluebonnets! Obviously, bluebonnets are much prettier. : )
Word of advice to anyone who is planning a hysterectomy: Consider the timing of Mother's Day and the date of your surgery (if you can)!! Mother's Day occurring three weeks after my hysterectomy was not cool, at all. I was totally fine with it, and actually it wasn't that big of a deal, but happening upon my facebook page with everyone writing Happy Mother's Day was a bit much for me to handle that day! Not having spoken to my mother in years and years always makes Mother's Day a downer already, but it just added to it. BUT, Mark was so very sweet. He surprised me with cards from him and the dog for Mother's Day, and took me to lunch for Mother's Day - for being a good mother to Bailey. : ) Well, I am a good mother to him, that IS true!!
I was okay with it, I really was, or thought I was, about not having children. A song came on the radio - it's one from Twilight and I just think that whole story is so romantic - falling in love FOREVER and getting married, knowing you'll be together FOREVER.. I was trying to explain this to my husband who wasn't getting it at all (they're vampires - they'll never die - they'll always be together, vampires are romantic, DUH?) and he just said what seemed to me the strangest, most odd, and at the time it seemed like the cruelest thing he could have said. Something like women just felt that way because they were made that way to procreate and have children. WHAT-THE-HELL? I just looked at him, and I could feel the tears starting to form. I started talking, and I heard the quivering start n my voice. "HOW could you think *I* would be thinking that right now? That *I* would be feeling that? That I would think something was romantic because of *that*? I just had a hysterectomy! How does having children in any way apply to me thinking something is romantic??"
Yes, I started crying, how could he? I mean, I wish I could somehow convey the coldness in which he said it, the matter of factness steel-y way he phrased it, no wiggle room, this is how it is. Of course a lot had to do with WHAT he said, but it was also HOW he said it. Almost like he was disgusted by it, but I have been incredibly, INCREDIBLY emotional.
I have been a rollercoaster of emotions. Happy, crying, and angry. It could be hormonal, although I still have my ovaries. We (okay *I*, it always *my* idea what we send his mother for Mother's Day, and *I* order it, or nothing would get done) sent his mother a specialty cake for Mother's Day, and she sent us an email that said something like thanks, we'll share it with his sister and brother in law, they are coming over for that day and his brother in law was cooking. I was like WTF???
I was SO ANGRY! I mean, I was really mad, like...I could not let it go. It was our "date night", a night that we spend together ON PURPOSE, and all I could do for the good first part of the night is talk about how she had burned a bridge with me. I had it in my head that she was saying thanks for the cake, but here is what your SISTER is doing for Mother's Day, she is actually visiting me, not just sending a cake, that is what a good child does on Mother's Day, AND they are cooking for us, not just sending something to eat. If you've guessed I do not like his sister, you would be correct. If you've guessed they've been compared, you would be correct. But NOT by his parents, his own sister compares them to each other, and not flatteringly to herself! It drives me insane, but I guess that part is obvious.
So I was furious, beyond furious. I got up the next morning, re-read the email, and thought - what was the big deal? Why was I so mad about THIS? It's just a thank you and says what she is doing for Mother's Day - so what? I asked Mark what he thought, and he said the same thing, but I already knew that, because he was looking at me so strangely the night before when I was on my tirade. He was agreeing, but in a way that he was afraid not to agree, ha! And at the same time kept trying over and over to change the subject, but when I'm like that, dude, just let me get it out because....I'm sitting there steaming and obsessing, trust me. Had his mother walked up right then I probably would have said "Oh, hello! How are you?" because I'm just like that, I'm not rude or confrontational normally, but I will obsess until I get it all out!
And...lonely. I've been very lonely, very lonely, yet getting used to it. And any little thing Mark does, well, he needs to remember he's about the only person I see or talk to all day so if he is in a bad mood, then the only person I've seen that whole day has been in a bad mood and that is not good! He is going through a super bad patch of a time at work, very stressful, very soul searching, just a very high stress project he is on where people have foregone how they treat each other because results are so much more important than people could ever be to the company. UNTIL....the project is over, the economy rebounds (WHEN it does), and watch what happens to the people. Someone he hired has already quit. The reason? She decided her husband made enough money for the family and she simply didn't like going to work any more. Ha! I have to admit, I love honesty. But he would do the same, it's absolutely horrifying the stories he tells me.
Which reminds me of ANOTHER break down I had! So he keeps talking about work because it's so stressful, and it keeps putting me back in the place I was before I went into the hospital - when the other person got the promotion I thought I deserved and it devastated me. Very high stakes, cut throat corporate big consulting company I worked at and the thing is - I gave it 200%, all I had, everyone said I did a great job, great reviews, I was the best at what I did, better than everyone, I was getting 20% raises yearly, saying I was better than all my peers, everyone that reported to me was doing better than all of their peers according to outside consulting companies and - statistically you could also see that was true, I had developed many members of my team who were then MY peers as well, so the next step logically was when there was an opening, and there would only be one opening, I would get it, right? No. Someone that *I* had developed, helped get promoted and was my peer, then coached him because he could not get along with the person we reported to (obviously too well?) got it. At the same time I was being told that person was being promoted and I wasn't, I was also told I had been nominated employee of the month but I would not be given the employee of the month title or benefits/awards because I had been about 5-10 minutes late a couple of times each month. OH MY GOD, I could not believe what was happening. It's like everything was so great and perfect, and then on that day, BAM. As if they wanted to promote him, and so they had to bring me down and show me and everyone (above me for justification) that I was not so great, and they did it so hatefully, so ruthlessly, I still don't get it. It broke me, you don't just give your all, feel like you did all you could possibly have done and you did it so well, you were really talented with people and brought out the best in them and did what was best for the company, and have them treat you that way without it effecting you. Or maybe you can - Mark seems to be able to handle it better than I can. I gave up. It broke me. As the days went on, the weeks, the months, I got worse and worse and worse, suicide was screaming louder and louder in my head and I wound up in the hospital.
BUT, the thing is, was that chemical? I was crying about it JUST last weekend, and that was 12 years ago! Not about where I could be now, blah blah, just about, giving your all and failing, how that hurts and how I'm scared to do that again. How I could never work at a place like that again, and when Mark talks about work, sometimes he brings it all back and I BEG him to quit because of course I don't want that to happen to him. It happened to me, why couldn't it happen to someone else? I guess I'm not that strong, I'm too weak, I'm too trusting, the person I reported to, I thought she was my friend and while no, I didn't expect her to give me a promotion because I didn't EARN it, as a friend, she shouldn't have been so ruthless about it, so mean, so calloused. I fell apart when she was talking to me - she handed me a makeup compact and told me to cover up my blotched face where I had been crying, get my purse and go home. I can't write about it anymore, I swear I'm going to start crying again. It was so incredibly insensitive, the whole thing, one of the most insensitive things I've ever known. No, no one called me fat or ugly. It was worse.
But...speaking about fat. I read about the CEO of Abercrombie and Fitch - what the hell? He doesn't sell clothes to "fat people" and that's a girl/woman who wears anything over a size 10? And that only people of a certain size are "cool"? That made me mad, and when I saw a picture of him, I thought for real?? Yes, he looks like he keeps in shape, but seriously, lay off the plastic surgery or whatever has happened. BUT, I just HAD to go to the website to see these "cool clothes" that he said people really want and I had read other people sticking up for the brand, and then....I saw the cutest clothes and some were on sale half price! I was SO conflicted. I found jeans that looked just like what I had been searching for for some time, and plain colored tshirts with just the right cut, all on sale and in the right colors and cuts! Luckily I spent the money Mark gave me for my personal budget this month because I would be disgusted with myself had I bought clothes from that company, yet...they are so adorable, I still want them. But do I want them because he made it sound exclusive (he actually used that word, his clothes are exclusive - what a jerk, right?), or do I like the clothes because I just like them? They are what I would normally buy, just plain stuff, very normal, no frills, exactly what I like and a very good price, but where do you draw the line? I don't like him or what he said or believes, but can I not wear an A&F pair of jeans? Can a gay guy not eat a Chik Filet sandwich? Very conflicted, but it doesn't matter, I can't buy anything right now anyway. : )
I've written too much - I need people to talk to! Help me! I'm stuck in a house in the Chicago suburbs and I can't get out!!!! Too bad I'm not making fortune cookies...
Word of advice to anyone who is planning a hysterectomy: Consider the timing of Mother's Day and the date of your surgery (if you can)!! Mother's Day occurring three weeks after my hysterectomy was not cool, at all. I was totally fine with it, and actually it wasn't that big of a deal, but happening upon my facebook page with everyone writing Happy Mother's Day was a bit much for me to handle that day! Not having spoken to my mother in years and years always makes Mother's Day a downer already, but it just added to it. BUT, Mark was so very sweet. He surprised me with cards from him and the dog for Mother's Day, and took me to lunch for Mother's Day - for being a good mother to Bailey. : ) Well, I am a good mother to him, that IS true!!
I was okay with it, I really was, or thought I was, about not having children. A song came on the radio - it's one from Twilight and I just think that whole story is so romantic - falling in love FOREVER and getting married, knowing you'll be together FOREVER.. I was trying to explain this to my husband who wasn't getting it at all (they're vampires - they'll never die - they'll always be together, vampires are romantic, DUH?) and he just said what seemed to me the strangest, most odd, and at the time it seemed like the cruelest thing he could have said. Something like women just felt that way because they were made that way to procreate and have children. WHAT-THE-HELL? I just looked at him, and I could feel the tears starting to form. I started talking, and I heard the quivering start n my voice. "HOW could you think *I* would be thinking that right now? That *I* would be feeling that? That I would think something was romantic because of *that*? I just had a hysterectomy! How does having children in any way apply to me thinking something is romantic??"
Yes, I started crying, how could he? I mean, I wish I could somehow convey the coldness in which he said it, the matter of factness steel-y way he phrased it, no wiggle room, this is how it is. Of course a lot had to do with WHAT he said, but it was also HOW he said it. Almost like he was disgusted by it, but I have been incredibly, INCREDIBLY emotional.
I have been a rollercoaster of emotions. Happy, crying, and angry. It could be hormonal, although I still have my ovaries. We (okay *I*, it always *my* idea what we send his mother for Mother's Day, and *I* order it, or nothing would get done) sent his mother a specialty cake for Mother's Day, and she sent us an email that said something like thanks, we'll share it with his sister and brother in law, they are coming over for that day and his brother in law was cooking. I was like WTF???
I was SO ANGRY! I mean, I was really mad, like...I could not let it go. It was our "date night", a night that we spend together ON PURPOSE, and all I could do for the good first part of the night is talk about how she had burned a bridge with me. I had it in my head that she was saying thanks for the cake, but here is what your SISTER is doing for Mother's Day, she is actually visiting me, not just sending a cake, that is what a good child does on Mother's Day, AND they are cooking for us, not just sending something to eat. If you've guessed I do not like his sister, you would be correct. If you've guessed they've been compared, you would be correct. But NOT by his parents, his own sister compares them to each other, and not flatteringly to herself! It drives me insane, but I guess that part is obvious.
So I was furious, beyond furious. I got up the next morning, re-read the email, and thought - what was the big deal? Why was I so mad about THIS? It's just a thank you and says what she is doing for Mother's Day - so what? I asked Mark what he thought, and he said the same thing, but I already knew that, because he was looking at me so strangely the night before when I was on my tirade. He was agreeing, but in a way that he was afraid not to agree, ha! And at the same time kept trying over and over to change the subject, but when I'm like that, dude, just let me get it out because....I'm sitting there steaming and obsessing, trust me. Had his mother walked up right then I probably would have said "Oh, hello! How are you?" because I'm just like that, I'm not rude or confrontational normally, but I will obsess until I get it all out!
And...lonely. I've been very lonely, very lonely, yet getting used to it. And any little thing Mark does, well, he needs to remember he's about the only person I see or talk to all day so if he is in a bad mood, then the only person I've seen that whole day has been in a bad mood and that is not good! He is going through a super bad patch of a time at work, very stressful, very soul searching, just a very high stress project he is on where people have foregone how they treat each other because results are so much more important than people could ever be to the company. UNTIL....the project is over, the economy rebounds (WHEN it does), and watch what happens to the people. Someone he hired has already quit. The reason? She decided her husband made enough money for the family and she simply didn't like going to work any more. Ha! I have to admit, I love honesty. But he would do the same, it's absolutely horrifying the stories he tells me.
Which reminds me of ANOTHER break down I had! So he keeps talking about work because it's so stressful, and it keeps putting me back in the place I was before I went into the hospital - when the other person got the promotion I thought I deserved and it devastated me. Very high stakes, cut throat corporate big consulting company I worked at and the thing is - I gave it 200%, all I had, everyone said I did a great job, great reviews, I was the best at what I did, better than everyone, I was getting 20% raises yearly, saying I was better than all my peers, everyone that reported to me was doing better than all of their peers according to outside consulting companies and - statistically you could also see that was true, I had developed many members of my team who were then MY peers as well, so the next step logically was when there was an opening, and there would only be one opening, I would get it, right? No. Someone that *I* had developed, helped get promoted and was my peer, then coached him because he could not get along with the person we reported to (obviously too well?) got it. At the same time I was being told that person was being promoted and I wasn't, I was also told I had been nominated employee of the month but I would not be given the employee of the month title or benefits/awards because I had been about 5-10 minutes late a couple of times each month. OH MY GOD, I could not believe what was happening. It's like everything was so great and perfect, and then on that day, BAM. As if they wanted to promote him, and so they had to bring me down and show me and everyone (above me for justification) that I was not so great, and they did it so hatefully, so ruthlessly, I still don't get it. It broke me, you don't just give your all, feel like you did all you could possibly have done and you did it so well, you were really talented with people and brought out the best in them and did what was best for the company, and have them treat you that way without it effecting you. Or maybe you can - Mark seems to be able to handle it better than I can. I gave up. It broke me. As the days went on, the weeks, the months, I got worse and worse and worse, suicide was screaming louder and louder in my head and I wound up in the hospital.
BUT, the thing is, was that chemical? I was crying about it JUST last weekend, and that was 12 years ago! Not about where I could be now, blah blah, just about, giving your all and failing, how that hurts and how I'm scared to do that again. How I could never work at a place like that again, and when Mark talks about work, sometimes he brings it all back and I BEG him to quit because of course I don't want that to happen to him. It happened to me, why couldn't it happen to someone else? I guess I'm not that strong, I'm too weak, I'm too trusting, the person I reported to, I thought she was my friend and while no, I didn't expect her to give me a promotion because I didn't EARN it, as a friend, she shouldn't have been so ruthless about it, so mean, so calloused. I fell apart when she was talking to me - she handed me a makeup compact and told me to cover up my blotched face where I had been crying, get my purse and go home. I can't write about it anymore, I swear I'm going to start crying again. It was so incredibly insensitive, the whole thing, one of the most insensitive things I've ever known. No, no one called me fat or ugly. It was worse.
But...speaking about fat. I read about the CEO of Abercrombie and Fitch - what the hell? He doesn't sell clothes to "fat people" and that's a girl/woman who wears anything over a size 10? And that only people of a certain size are "cool"? That made me mad, and when I saw a picture of him, I thought for real?? Yes, he looks like he keeps in shape, but seriously, lay off the plastic surgery or whatever has happened. BUT, I just HAD to go to the website to see these "cool clothes" that he said people really want and I had read other people sticking up for the brand, and then....I saw the cutest clothes and some were on sale half price! I was SO conflicted. I found jeans that looked just like what I had been searching for for some time, and plain colored tshirts with just the right cut, all on sale and in the right colors and cuts! Luckily I spent the money Mark gave me for my personal budget this month because I would be disgusted with myself had I bought clothes from that company, yet...they are so adorable, I still want them. But do I want them because he made it sound exclusive (he actually used that word, his clothes are exclusive - what a jerk, right?), or do I like the clothes because I just like them? They are what I would normally buy, just plain stuff, very normal, no frills, exactly what I like and a very good price, but where do you draw the line? I don't like him or what he said or believes, but can I not wear an A&F pair of jeans? Can a gay guy not eat a Chik Filet sandwich? Very conflicted, but it doesn't matter, I can't buy anything right now anyway. : )
I've written too much - I need people to talk to! Help me! I'm stuck in a house in the Chicago suburbs and I can't get out!!!! Too bad I'm not making fortune cookies...
Wednesday, May 01, 2013
Time is Going By soooo slooooow!
I read that Catherine Zeta Jones is back in the hospital for her bipolar disorder, for "maintenance", or whatever reason it may be. She was just diagnosed a few years ago, I believe, and I know for myself it took years upon years to find any sort of drug cocktail that even semi-worked, so I wish her lots of luck. But when it came out publically that she was bipolar, it was a real inspiration to me. First of all, I wondered, wow, what had the Douglas household been through before Zeta Jones was diagnosed and was finally hospitalized? Even big celebrities, like Michael Douglas, can put up with their spouses having a mental illness and still love them just as much, or at least it seems. For me, and us, that was a horrible time, lots of pain. I was diagnosed on the irritable side, but hospitalized on the depressive side. I don't recall either time fondly, not at all. Both are pretty dark moments of my life.
But also, Catherine inspired me when I found out she was bipolar because obviously she was put on mood stabilizers, or I assume she was, and her weight didn't go off the charts! She didn't gain 30 pounds, 50 pounds, 100 pounds - a massive amount of weight trying this or that which made her appetite insatiable. I realized then that it WAS possible for me to have this condition and be a normal weight, that I *can* be aggressive with my doctor and demand what I want from my treatment, and that would be medication that does not increase my appetite or have a side effect of gaining weight. I had just kind of been sad about it, resigned myself to this new reality of what I was and it was a sacrifice for mental stability. So, yes, with a huge PUSH from my husband, and I mean huge, I put myself back in the driver's seat of what I would and would not take, and it has only been for the best.
I'm no longer a zombie all the time, I don't eat the entire house when I take medicine at night, fall asleep with food in my mouth, go to bed in t-shirts stained with food from what I had just been eating but was so out of it I was probably missing my mouth. Can you understand why my husband would not not find this attractive if he was observing this? I would find it disgusting. And he was observing it, because he would tell me once in awhile when I did some of those things when I didn't remember, although most of the time I did.
I no longer drive in the morning with cars honking at me because I'm weaving in and out of their lanes since it's all I can do to keep my eyes open I'm in such a fog, or sometimes waking up and just barely able to call in to work to say I'd be late, rolling back over and sleeping off the medication and going in later. That is not being a functional person with bipolar disorder. I would say I was getting by, I'm pretty much disgusted with myself when I think about how I acted back then and it was only a few short years ago. Why did I put up with that? Why did I find that acceptable? Yes, I know how horrible things can get, but to live like that? I was just in denial.
It's not just the weight, it was everything that went with it - all of the other side effects that I mentioned as well. Those were all brought up in counseling. I even wrecked my car on that medication, just on a freaking curb, and you know what I did when the air bag went off and the SOS system came on to see if I was okay? I said I was, and kept eating my McDonald's french fries while they asked if I needed a tow truck. I was SO hungry I had left the house for food in that condition and didn't even care when I wrecked my car, and my hunger was STILL more important than getting into a wreck (over $8k of damage). Tell me - is that NORMAL? Is that something that someone who is mentally ill has to resign themselves to just to live? To be "better"? Is that even better? Okay, so I don't die of suicide, I die of driving to McDonald's to get french fries instead. Would that make everyone feel better? Is that the point?
This laying around doing nothing is soooo old. I'm not really laying around, I'm sitting around all day. I should be taking naps but I'm not tired enough to sleep. My tummy still hurts from surgery and I still take medication for the pain once in awhile, but not often. It hurts mostly at the end of the day. Last weekend when Mark and I walked around stores, THAT is when the fatigue that women talk about hit me. It didn't take long at all and wow, I was exhausted. I am so surprised when I hear the few women that are going back to work two weeks after a hysterectomy. No, they don't say they are ready, they say they are NOT ready, but that's all the time they have to take off or one of them said their doctor released them to go back to work. If I just sit here and do nothing, I'm okay, but if I do anything at all, I'm in trouble. Pain, exhaustion, not worth it. I took a whole quarter off from school to have this surgery and to heal so...I'm going to make the most of it. I only get one chance to heal from this so...I'm going to make sure I do it right.
I live in the craziest neighborhood, but I think most neighborhoods are like this, they just don't have a platform they've created to vent on like my neighborhood has created. People say things when they're behind their computer that they wouldn't normally say when they are in person. JUST THIS WEEK, here are some of the complaints that have been posted:
But also, Catherine inspired me when I found out she was bipolar because obviously she was put on mood stabilizers, or I assume she was, and her weight didn't go off the charts! She didn't gain 30 pounds, 50 pounds, 100 pounds - a massive amount of weight trying this or that which made her appetite insatiable. I realized then that it WAS possible for me to have this condition and be a normal weight, that I *can* be aggressive with my doctor and demand what I want from my treatment, and that would be medication that does not increase my appetite or have a side effect of gaining weight. I had just kind of been sad about it, resigned myself to this new reality of what I was and it was a sacrifice for mental stability. So, yes, with a huge PUSH from my husband, and I mean huge, I put myself back in the driver's seat of what I would and would not take, and it has only been for the best.
I'm no longer a zombie all the time, I don't eat the entire house when I take medicine at night, fall asleep with food in my mouth, go to bed in t-shirts stained with food from what I had just been eating but was so out of it I was probably missing my mouth. Can you understand why my husband would not not find this attractive if he was observing this? I would find it disgusting. And he was observing it, because he would tell me once in awhile when I did some of those things when I didn't remember, although most of the time I did.
I no longer drive in the morning with cars honking at me because I'm weaving in and out of their lanes since it's all I can do to keep my eyes open I'm in such a fog, or sometimes waking up and just barely able to call in to work to say I'd be late, rolling back over and sleeping off the medication and going in later. That is not being a functional person with bipolar disorder. I would say I was getting by, I'm pretty much disgusted with myself when I think about how I acted back then and it was only a few short years ago. Why did I put up with that? Why did I find that acceptable? Yes, I know how horrible things can get, but to live like that? I was just in denial.
It's not just the weight, it was everything that went with it - all of the other side effects that I mentioned as well. Those were all brought up in counseling. I even wrecked my car on that medication, just on a freaking curb, and you know what I did when the air bag went off and the SOS system came on to see if I was okay? I said I was, and kept eating my McDonald's french fries while they asked if I needed a tow truck. I was SO hungry I had left the house for food in that condition and didn't even care when I wrecked my car, and my hunger was STILL more important than getting into a wreck (over $8k of damage). Tell me - is that NORMAL? Is that something that someone who is mentally ill has to resign themselves to just to live? To be "better"? Is that even better? Okay, so I don't die of suicide, I die of driving to McDonald's to get french fries instead. Would that make everyone feel better? Is that the point?
This laying around doing nothing is soooo old. I'm not really laying around, I'm sitting around all day. I should be taking naps but I'm not tired enough to sleep. My tummy still hurts from surgery and I still take medication for the pain once in awhile, but not often. It hurts mostly at the end of the day. Last weekend when Mark and I walked around stores, THAT is when the fatigue that women talk about hit me. It didn't take long at all and wow, I was exhausted. I am so surprised when I hear the few women that are going back to work two weeks after a hysterectomy. No, they don't say they are ready, they say they are NOT ready, but that's all the time they have to take off or one of them said their doctor released them to go back to work. If I just sit here and do nothing, I'm okay, but if I do anything at all, I'm in trouble. Pain, exhaustion, not worth it. I took a whole quarter off from school to have this surgery and to heal so...I'm going to make the most of it. I only get one chance to heal from this so...I'm going to make sure I do it right.
I live in the craziest neighborhood, but I think most neighborhoods are like this, they just don't have a platform they've created to vent on like my neighborhood has created. People say things when they're behind their computer that they wouldn't normally say when they are in person. JUST THIS WEEK, here are some of the complaints that have been posted:
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Rescheduled Appt, and a New Neighbor Arrived!
I was sitting on the couch this morning, thinking about how I felt physically, and decided I should not try and drive to the psychiatrist tomorrow, even though I've waited two months for this first appointment. I thought surely if I told them my circumstances, they would be understanding and try to help me out by finding an appointment sooner than two months?
So...I called, told the girl what type of surgery I had and that I had waited two months for this appointment and did not want to wait another two months if I had to reschedule, but that I wasn't supposed to, and shouldn't, drive. I was beyond nice, but everyone says I am always too nice so...I don't know. Do you know what she told me? She said the doctor my appointment was with was no longer accepting new patients and if I didn't make my appointment tomorrow, she could reschedule me with another doctor, but it wouldn't be until June. So *I* said, "I guess I'll have to drive to my appointment tomorrow then." SHE said "Okay, see you tomorrow". CLICK. I was just beside myself. I had just told her my doctor said not to drive, yet I told her I was going to drive to the appointment tomorrow, and she said okay and hung up.
I was mad, yet didn't feel I had any options. I called Mark, but he's typically busy and sent him a text - much easier to reach him that way. His reply was "Are you really going to go there?", and I started thinking about it. Long term, is this the kind of place I want to care for my psychiatric needs, a place that doesn't care if I drive or not to the appointment if another doctor has told me not to, with absolutely NO compassion whatsoever? I mean wow, at least say "I'm sorry" or anything at all to show you have a heart! OR, perhaps the kind of people that are thinking I am a psychiatric patient and may not believe a word that I am saying anyway? Yes, I know it is just a receptionist or front office person, but...that person reflects on a business.
So I found another doctor - actually, one that I think I will like much, much better and is quite a bit more qualified and while I still can't get in until June, it's June the 4th which is just a little over a month away and the receptionist made it sound like that was so booked up and felt bad about it.
I called the other office back, and while yes, I was mad, I just didn't want to go there. She answered, I said my name, my appointment was tomorrow, and that I was cancelling. I was taking the phone away from my ear and heard her voice talking and just hit the "END" button. Sure enough, maybe 60 seconds later, the phone rang. I considered not answering it, but I was curious what she had to say. She said I had hung up before she had a chance to get my information and asked my date of birth. I gave it to her and then she asked , "Do you want to cancel or reschedule?"
RE-FREAKING-SCHEDULE? What the hell? She just told me if I didn't go to the appointment tomorrow, this doctor was no longer taking new patients and I could *not* reschedule. But what would be the point in arguing with her? The world would not be a better place if I told her off, repeated what she said, tried to understand what she had meant or what she meant this time. I just said "CANCEL" and hung the phone up again.
Something about the whole psychiatric experience is a very touchy subject with me.
We've lived in this neighborhood since the beginning of February, and I'm VERY pleased to say that I just answered the door and greeted a new neighbor that came to meet us! (Bailey and I!) She was extremely nice, brought cupcakes and some information about the neighborhood, kind of like a "welcome to the neighborhood" type of thing, and told me about a welcome breakfast in June for new neighbors in the last six months. We didn't talk for long, maybe five or ten minutes? She was looking inside the house and commented that we must have the same builder with similar plans because she also has marble diamonds in her hard wood floors and then she was pointing to the front of the inside of the house saying her fireplace was like that and asked about the den and I just did not want to give her a tour! (And that I had showered - I didn't yesterday - but I wouldn't have opened the door yesterday!) Thank God the maids came today at least so it looks like we are very tidy people! (And one of us is, it's just not me or the dog, although I am immensely better, but Bailey? No, he's still a mess.)
And...more of our furniture is being delivered on Saturday. And...I ordered groceries online that will be delivered tomorrow, I made dinner last night - beef stew in a crock pot that took just 15 minutes to make, but really need those groceries so Mark will have to bring home dinner (and my breakfast) tonight. I told him to get whatever - if he brings a cheeseburger, then I will eat a cheeseburger. I will just appreciate that he brings me something to eat.
I stopped reading that website where women go for hysterectomies - for support before and after. First of all, I would post how I was feeling, then read other's posts and felt bad about what I posted. I'm not saying I am doing so much better, but usually when people take the time to write who don't normally write a blog or anything, they are really needing to get something out so it sounded pretty awful, and then I would feel guilty. No, I'm not laying in bed with people bringing meals to me - I am out of bed, watching television, walking around, but also taking it easy and not doing much, not lifting anything really but the 6 pound dog to let him out and bring him in. But I don't have people here to make meals and bring them to me, either! I am here alone, all day, until Mark gets home. Yesterday he got home at 7:30 and was in bed before 9. During that time he changed his clothes, ate dinner, washed dishes, I don't know that we talked a lot - I mean we did, but he was very tired and it was late and I didn't feel great. He didn't have a chance to do anything for me, but I can't think of anything I needed to have done like other women are saying they need. He just got the necessities done and went to bed. If I am doing better than other women, maybe I started out healthier? Maybe I had a better doctor. Maybe I am taking it easier. Or...maybe more women post when they are miserable rather than when they feel good, which is more than likely, but I don't want to hear about what I might eventually feel like! That's scary! And...I kind of got mad. One lady, another one who was in bed with meals being brought to her with two or three people staying with her to take care of her house and her kids was mad at the people who were putting her kids to bed. They weren't "doing it right". She never told them how to do it, but she was mad because when they left and she was better, it would take her weeks to get them back into regular sleeping habits again. WHAT? I don't know her, I don't know the relationships she has with the people helping her, I know none of the background that could shed some light, but if someone has taken time out of their lives to help you, I say...don't criticize the way they do it, especially if you aren't paying them. Be gracious, be kind. I'm going to go for option...she had her ovaries removed and is very emotional?
That's it. : )
So...I called, told the girl what type of surgery I had and that I had waited two months for this appointment and did not want to wait another two months if I had to reschedule, but that I wasn't supposed to, and shouldn't, drive. I was beyond nice, but everyone says I am always too nice so...I don't know. Do you know what she told me? She said the doctor my appointment was with was no longer accepting new patients and if I didn't make my appointment tomorrow, she could reschedule me with another doctor, but it wouldn't be until June. So *I* said, "I guess I'll have to drive to my appointment tomorrow then." SHE said "Okay, see you tomorrow". CLICK. I was just beside myself. I had just told her my doctor said not to drive, yet I told her I was going to drive to the appointment tomorrow, and she said okay and hung up.
I was mad, yet didn't feel I had any options. I called Mark, but he's typically busy and sent him a text - much easier to reach him that way. His reply was "Are you really going to go there?", and I started thinking about it. Long term, is this the kind of place I want to care for my psychiatric needs, a place that doesn't care if I drive or not to the appointment if another doctor has told me not to, with absolutely NO compassion whatsoever? I mean wow, at least say "I'm sorry" or anything at all to show you have a heart! OR, perhaps the kind of people that are thinking I am a psychiatric patient and may not believe a word that I am saying anyway? Yes, I know it is just a receptionist or front office person, but...that person reflects on a business.
So I found another doctor - actually, one that I think I will like much, much better and is quite a bit more qualified and while I still can't get in until June, it's June the 4th which is just a little over a month away and the receptionist made it sound like that was so booked up and felt bad about it.
I called the other office back, and while yes, I was mad, I just didn't want to go there. She answered, I said my name, my appointment was tomorrow, and that I was cancelling. I was taking the phone away from my ear and heard her voice talking and just hit the "END" button. Sure enough, maybe 60 seconds later, the phone rang. I considered not answering it, but I was curious what she had to say. She said I had hung up before she had a chance to get my information and asked my date of birth. I gave it to her and then she asked , "Do you want to cancel or reschedule?"
RE-FREAKING-SCHEDULE? What the hell? She just told me if I didn't go to the appointment tomorrow, this doctor was no longer taking new patients and I could *not* reschedule. But what would be the point in arguing with her? The world would not be a better place if I told her off, repeated what she said, tried to understand what she had meant or what she meant this time. I just said "CANCEL" and hung the phone up again.
Something about the whole psychiatric experience is a very touchy subject with me.
We've lived in this neighborhood since the beginning of February, and I'm VERY pleased to say that I just answered the door and greeted a new neighbor that came to meet us! (Bailey and I!) She was extremely nice, brought cupcakes and some information about the neighborhood, kind of like a "welcome to the neighborhood" type of thing, and told me about a welcome breakfast in June for new neighbors in the last six months. We didn't talk for long, maybe five or ten minutes? She was looking inside the house and commented that we must have the same builder with similar plans because she also has marble diamonds in her hard wood floors and then she was pointing to the front of the inside of the house saying her fireplace was like that and asked about the den and I just did not want to give her a tour! (And that I had showered - I didn't yesterday - but I wouldn't have opened the door yesterday!) Thank God the maids came today at least so it looks like we are very tidy people! (And one of us is, it's just not me or the dog, although I am immensely better, but Bailey? No, he's still a mess.)
And...more of our furniture is being delivered on Saturday. And...I ordered groceries online that will be delivered tomorrow, I made dinner last night - beef stew in a crock pot that took just 15 minutes to make, but really need those groceries so Mark will have to bring home dinner (and my breakfast) tonight. I told him to get whatever - if he brings a cheeseburger, then I will eat a cheeseburger. I will just appreciate that he brings me something to eat.
I stopped reading that website where women go for hysterectomies - for support before and after. First of all, I would post how I was feeling, then read other's posts and felt bad about what I posted. I'm not saying I am doing so much better, but usually when people take the time to write who don't normally write a blog or anything, they are really needing to get something out so it sounded pretty awful, and then I would feel guilty. No, I'm not laying in bed with people bringing meals to me - I am out of bed, watching television, walking around, but also taking it easy and not doing much, not lifting anything really but the 6 pound dog to let him out and bring him in. But I don't have people here to make meals and bring them to me, either! I am here alone, all day, until Mark gets home. Yesterday he got home at 7:30 and was in bed before 9. During that time he changed his clothes, ate dinner, washed dishes, I don't know that we talked a lot - I mean we did, but he was very tired and it was late and I didn't feel great. He didn't have a chance to do anything for me, but I can't think of anything I needed to have done like other women are saying they need. He just got the necessities done and went to bed. If I am doing better than other women, maybe I started out healthier? Maybe I had a better doctor. Maybe I am taking it easier. Or...maybe more women post when they are miserable rather than when they feel good, which is more than likely, but I don't want to hear about what I might eventually feel like! That's scary! And...I kind of got mad. One lady, another one who was in bed with meals being brought to her with two or three people staying with her to take care of her house and her kids was mad at the people who were putting her kids to bed. They weren't "doing it right". She never told them how to do it, but she was mad because when they left and she was better, it would take her weeks to get them back into regular sleeping habits again. WHAT? I don't know her, I don't know the relationships she has with the people helping her, I know none of the background that could shed some light, but if someone has taken time out of their lives to help you, I say...don't criticize the way they do it, especially if you aren't paying them. Be gracious, be kind. I'm going to go for option...she had her ovaries removed and is very emotional?
That's it. : )
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- KansasSunflower
- A bipolar girl trying to make sense of the world. Bipolar doesn't mean who I am, it just happens to be what I am, and does it really affect my day to day life? I'm trying to figure that out.
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