It's a Start to Catching Up

There have been so many things to process that I have not wanted to that I have avoided not writing.  As I write, it forces me to really think about what I am writing, to process it in order to put it into words and there have been times when it has been difficult and painful, although incredibly insightful.

On Easter, I found out that my grandma on my dad's side had gone into a sort of coma.  I am not clear exactly on the details although they were explained to me in a second hand way to my two non medical aunts who tried to repeat what they thought they were told and remembered.  It was also told to me delicately, they tried to repeat the name of the medical condition and who knows what they said, but it is all good, I understand enough.

But what was happening was extremely difficult for me.  My grandma was 95 years old, she'd had failing kidneys for years and had a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate).  When she could not eat or drink for herself, her wishes were that she not be fed or I guess even be given a liquid drip.  She was given a drip of pain medication that I was told kept her extremely peaceful, or at least looking peaceful.  She was like that from Easter Sunday until Friday and honestly I was a mess.  I could not stop thinking about her not being fed or getting any liquids, basically being starved and dehydrating to death.  No matter what anyone says, how can someone know if she suffered just because she had pain medication?

So many calls on Friday to tell me she had passed away, and it was actually relieving because I was so wrapped up in her suffering.   My phone had run out of charge and had been charging. I checked facebook and had a message, turned on my phone, had a message, and then ugh.  I wish I had had my phone on so I had gotten just one call.  I get overwhelmed so easy.

Like right now, but I am going to finish.  I want to write about my cousin today.

Actually - I will do that really quick.  I will write about my trip to Kansas - the first one in 14 years to my grandma's funeral tomorrow.  It is important I write it down and how I have been feeling about all of it and processing just everything, but I have something confusing on my mind that I am trying to figure out.

My cousin Dan, on my mother's side (my grandma that passed away was on my dad's side, and the nicest person you could ever meet.)  We have been writing each other now and again on Facebook, just about our hobbies and interests.

However, he always made me feel kind of weird.  He started emailing me out of the blue, and I told myself I was being ridiculous, yet...I don't know, maybe I was.  It is so confusing.

I was backing off of writing him as often - taking longer and longer to reply to him.  Today I replied to a message he wrote to me a week ago.  I didn't want to be, I don't know, close to my male cousin, does that make any sense?  It just FELT WEIRD and I do not and can not explain exactly why.  I cannot think of anything that was said that was inappropriate or anything just...for some reason I felt that maybe it was more than cousins to him but then I thought I was being crazy, maybe I was being full of myself for some reason, why in the world would he be thinking that?  He is married and as far as I know he and his wife are absolutely crazy about each other.

Wow, I need to process this more before I write about it.  For some strange reason, instead of writing what he wanted to say, he used some feature in Facebook where he recorded himself talking in short (less than 30 seconds) clips and then sending it to me, which made it weirder.  I want to listen to it and transcribe it onto paper so I can read it.  He sounds so distressed.

He brought up something my mother told me a long, long time ago - in reference to something I said, that my mother never wanted me to do anything with them when his dad would call and ask if I could go with the three of them (him, his sister and his brother).

He said his dad had a lot of problems, and he did not know if I knew, but that (how did he say it?) my mother had been one of his victims.  That is not the words he used, but I am not in the mood to listen to his million little voice messages again.  That was his explanation for why my mother would not have wanted me to go with them.  He conveyed how horrible he felt about it, I heard a lot of shame as he talked about it briefly.  I said (TYPED) that he was a good person and had nothing to do with what his dad did.  My mother had told me about it a long time ago so I wasn't upset with him telling me and not sure, did I thank him?  Maybe - I did appreciate that he confirmed what my mother had told me, although thank God there was no story told.  I could not have dealt with that.

So just that right there is probably one month's worth of information for me to completely process.  But then he started talking about us and how he hasn't told his wife that we talk know, surely he did not mean what I think he was saying.  I cannot even write it until I listen to it again, but the question is, when will that be?  I should just do it now since it is after 6pm and I have the whole day's dosage of klonipin left to take.

I must have freaked out because of the earlier revelation, but seriously there is nothing more I would NOT want to believe.  There are walls and steel doors bolted shut that have cement walls poured over that to ever think of that.

It is that feeling - that awful disgusting yucky feeling that I forgot even existed.

This Will Be On Your Permanent Record

I wanted to mention one more thing, and it has been weighing heavily on my mind.

When my mother passed away, I did a background check on her husband as I did not know her cause of death.  With the company I wanted to use, I purchased a one month unlimited person search, and for some reason I still have the unlimited search function.

ANYWAY!  I do not think it is weird at all that I would do a background check on an ex boyfriend that I had filed charges against for domestic assault.  There were three charges and the district attorney wanted to prosecute one as a felony (adding the assault was with a deadly weapon, I think).

Like most battered women, I had called and told the district attorney I wanted to drop all of the charges.  He told me that he would not let me do that, but he would drop two and only prosecute one.  I said okay - I didn't plead with him or anything, I just said okay.  It was out of my hands and a part of me knew it was the wrong thing to do I am guessing.

This was over 20 years ago so that is why I am saying "I am guessing".

My ex-boyfriend told me at the time it was all a big joke.  He said he was taking court mandated anger management classes with guys all in his situation and they all just sat around and laughed about it.  That made ME feel like a joke.

When I ran his criminal background check, what I found confused me for days about what I was seeing.

On one hand, why did I see anything at ALL?  He had said he received deferred adjudication on one charge, like the district attorney told me.  He was to attend an anger management class, be on probation and then it would be off of his record.

Yet it was on his record.  Not once, but twice.  Misdemeanor Class A Assault with Bodily Injury.  I could not figure it out, and then it dawned on me finally.

When he told me that, he was being partially truthful.  He had been prosecuted for just one assault and received deferred adjudication.  Had he completed (I am guessing here) the terms, I would not have seen it, and he omitted the 80 hours of community service and that the probation was for 2 years.

So why was I was seeing it twice?  Because he had TWO convictions.  They were committed on the same day, yet the court dates were different.  The second court date was after Mark and I had started dating and I had stopped talking to him.  I have no idea why the prosecutor decided to pursue a second assault, but he did originally plan to prosecute three.

He actually pled GUILTY to the last one - he does not admit ANYTHING.  I wonder if it had something to do with the call I recorded with him admitting everything about that day that I turned over to the detective.  Not my idea - the detective told me exactly what to do and I just did it.  I will never forget his reaction as he listened to it.  He seemed so shocked.  He told me that was the first time he had ever heard someone admit their abuse.  I remember thinking he made it his mission to see that he would be punished.  He had so much passion about it.

I am not angry any more, just telling the story.  All of this time, I assumed he had a clear record and was really disappointed in myself that I didn't do more to help another woman who might come after me and get hurt or worse by him.  But I did do something, I did stand up for myself,  at least initially, and the district attorney helped me.

But what is going through my mind NOW is....almost screaming in my mind at the top of my lungs?  OMG he must be SO PISSED AT ME!   I mean seriously, like scarily pissed.  Like, yeah, it scares me but I realize that it is good that I just know NOW 20 years later.  He has known for 20 years and is probably like whatever about it.

I was surprised it was on his record 20 years later - a misdemeanor?  Then I found out it will be on his record for the rest of his life.  That makes me want to vomit, but at the same time - shouldn't it be?  If it happened to someone else, YES, I would absolutely want it to be and I would want to know that about someone.  BUT, because it happened to me....I don't know, screwing up someone else's life because of me, yet *I* did not cause that to happen, yet I did call the police, yet....I don't know.

Mark said it could very well effect his getting a job somewhere.  I don't know about any of that, a misdemeanor, but I guess places that do background checks.  Don't make me feel any worse.

This is so fucked up and it was too long ago.  I thought everything had all gone away, there was no record of anything happening.  Yet...there is also no record of anything violent happening since.

So was *I* the problem all along? ME?  Or did I prevent more violence?  Or is he more forceful about his wife not calling for help?  Geez.  I need to get this off of my freaking mind.

Closed Shop - Opening A New Chapter

I get so anxious for no reason sometimes.  We did not get into a fight after I wrote that last post, but I completely understand why he was so upset about work, as well as understand why I would be anxious.  I need to work on that about myself and have been - trying to be more in the moment.  Obviously I have a LOT of work to do.

I was so sedated being on 100mg of Topomax that I cut the tablet in half and am now just taking 50mg.  I need to text my psychiatrist and tell her that I have done that.  I have a lot more energy now.

I told the ecommerce site yesterday that I wanted to close my shop.  The orders were overwhelming, but I was so sedated I had gone for a few weeks without sending out a single one.  But I was not making any profit either.  I discussed it with Mark and he agreed with me.  I need to keep my commitment though and finish my orders.  14, ugh.  But then I am free.

They were nice and said to let them know if I ever wanted to reopen my shop and they would.  They had originally written me because, of course, this is the second time I have gotten so behind and they wanted me to catch up and then I would be on 4 weeks probation.  The probationary period would be taking orders but not collecting the funds until after the probationary period was over, although I could use the funds towards shipping, etc.  That was okay, whatever, but thinking about being back in this situation just overwhelmed me.  It still does.

I HATE it, I absolutely hate what I do now.  I love creating things, I love making wreaths, I love making home decor, I love making things beautiful, being creative, all of it.  I just hate schedules, deadlines, and especially working for free or losing money for my hard work, creativity and original designs.  My wreaths sell so fast that I cannot catch up - I never even got a chance to play around and find the right mix to slow it all down.  Raising prices over and over did not slow it down (although I should have kept doing that since I did not make any money, although I am to blame for that). The last time I only put a certain number of wreaths for sale, but then they ALL sold which I did not expect, and that was too many for me to make and I am just DONE to try again on that site.

There is another platform that I have sold on in the past and have done well, and I can use a completely different business model.  I have started the process but need a freaking break!

I think Mark does not want me to do anything - make wreaths any more because it has been so expensive to us.  He keeps saying "you know, you don't have to do anything if you don't want".  Yes, I do.  I need a PURPOSE.  As soon as I told them I wanted to close my shop, I felt panic.  What was my purpose?  What was I doing?  Just sitting in a house?  I had made no plans and I needed one.  Mark was trying to calm me, telling me it was okay, I was at a crossroads, but I was not okay.

I do feel I have a God-given talent.  I just need to figure out exactly how to share it.  My friend that I helped with her business that was not doing well that is now flourishing told me I should go into consulting like I did with her.  I mean....I don't know.  On one hand, I could say something about that, on the other hand, maybe I am not giving myself enough credit.  She frustrated me.  It was all things I researched, albeit days after days after weeks and longer - if she wanted to succeed, why was she lazy about it and not do the same?  However, it fascinated me, one of my most favorite parts of the whole thing.

Guess I had better get to work - ta-ta!

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