I have been ****SO**** overly emotional lately.  I am not sure if it is justified and normal or if I really am being dramatic and am feeling everything so much more extreme than I should.

It is not unusual for me to wake up in the middle of the night, and many times I stay up.  The night before last, I woke up around 1 or 1:30.  I turned on the television, and I have no idea why, but no matter what station we have left the tv on when we turn it off, when we turn it on it is always on CNN.  It is the weirdest thing.

When I turned on the television that night/morning, it was in the middle of the Dallas police shootings.  I watched a lot of it live.  I moved here not long ago from Dallas, after living there for 25 years.  I have been on the street where the shootings were happening.  I have family and friends in Dallas.  I absolutely could NOT believe what I was seeing - and it was made so much more traumatic because of where it was.

The rest of the day I was extremely sad.  I kept trying to explain to myself how I felt - heavy hearted? Although my body was in the Chicago 'burbs, my heart and mind were most certainly "home".

And then I logged onto Facebook, where most of the people I know are in Dallas.  O.M.G.

I think I need to take a full on break from Facebook.  This is the second time in one-two weeks I have been upset.  But it is not for the normal reasons I hear people get upset - jealousy or whatever, but because I care about someone and they disappoint me or I just get hurt from being sensitive when
someone I care about feels pain.

I *thought*, several years ago, by unfriending certain people who made me feel, overall...yucky - and it was a lot of people, this would never happen.  It has worked.  But not for this.

What I saw on Facebook, in my opinion, was a race war.  No one would EVER call it that, on either side, but I do not know that many are trying to see both sides.  I *want* to see both sides, but am limited to my own experiences of course.

Normally caring and thoughtful people were saying such negative, hateful things.  I was upset because that is not them, that is not who they are, and was so, so sad that someone and something had made them feel that way.  Yes, some have already been involved in certain movements, but they did not have this kind of anger before.

When I moved to Chicago, the violence stunned me.  I started watching the news, thinking that would be the best way to learn about my new city.  That did not last long.  I was absolutely horrified at what I watched and the stories I heard.  I could not believe this level of violence, on a daily basis, was considered normal,  The things that shocked me weren't even things that people even cared enough, if they knew about them, to talk about.  To me they were HUGE, to natives it was just another news story.

So when the horribly tragedy happened in Dallas, I knew how badly the community would be shaken.  Compared to Chicago which is terribly, terribly hardened and numb to any sort of violence, Dallas is sheltered from such an extreme level.  Why in the world things like that do not happen here I have no  idea.  I would think this would be the hotbed of everything racial, yet if it happens, it does not seem to be a huge deal.  If what happened in Dallas happened in Chicago, the majority of people would go on the next day without too much emotion.  But then again, *I* am sheltered from much of what goes on in Chicago living where I do.  I can not imagine living in the city, but living in a suburb that is closer?  Yes, would love that.

Something that I have done a few times, and on both days when I have gotten overly and overwhelmingly emotional, is taken an extra Adderall.  Of course I have not told my psychiatrist/therapist that.

On days when I feel so much pressure and anxiety when I am behind in work, it is way too tempting not to do that.  I KNOW that is not why it is prescribed - for extra energy and focus to get out more wreaths, but to help me focus like a NORMAL PERSON.  So I can watch a tv show, get to a point where perhaps I am able to CONSIDER going to a movie without panicking that I will be stuck in a seat for a few hours with nothing else to do while my mind bounces from here to there.

A large group of us saw Duran Duran last night, and even though it was my teenage heart throb boy band, it absolutely dampered my mood with friends and my experience.  I even sent a text to my psychiatrist - I was feeling THAT LOW.

She must think I am losing it.  I can not do that with Adderall again and see if that is affecting me.  If not, and this is not normal, then I have got a big problem with being overly emotional.  I do not like it and it is affecting my life in a major way that needs to change.

Forgiving - Not Losing

I think of this quite a bit.  I was so angry and hurt by several people, thinking "how could they this or that to me? how can be that way?", feeling so angry towards them.  I would have even described them as my "#1 enemy or something of that sort.

Who likes feeling that way?  I am not good at forgiving at all.  I probably hold grudges way too long and in the past it has been pretty much impossible for me to let go.

I think a chain reaction began one morning when we were attending church.  The whole morning was about "Forgiveness" - the message, the music, there was a very moving video and heartbreaking testimony.  That is why I say an entire morning - they really tried to bring the message home.

For me, it did.  I could not hold my tears back, and actually sobbed through most of it.  I was so tired of holding on to hate and anger, and what was it doing for me?

There is a song I found (or was it sung that day?) that described EXACTLY how I felt.  If I forgave, or said that *I* was sorry, then I would feel like I was the one who was losing...again.  It really had not been in me to forgive.

We left church, and although I did not exactly try to shake the feeling, it stayed with me but I was not quite sure what to do with it.

I had several people I was carrying anger towards.  Of course my mother, and I struggled with that one.  I *think* I have forgiven her, but it was a struggle.  I decided in the end that just because I forgave her did not mean I had to reach out and try to start a relationship.

There were two people that I did not get along with AT ALL.  I had been so angry and upset with them for YEARS.

I thought about both of them quite a bit, turning situations over and over in my mind.  I decided that I needed to own my part of the situations, regardless of what they did.  To each one, I apologized (via Facebook message), extremely, extremely sincerely about what I had done and asked for forgiveness

I think both of them were stunned.  Fast forward to today.  They are now two very good friends, and I highly value each of their friendships.  I do not for one second take either of them for granted, and take the time to nurture the relationships I have with them.  I realize now that both of them do not let people into their lives easily and feel fortunate that they do count me as a friend.

What changed?  I did, and I cannot explain why exactly.  Yes, I was extremely touched by a message at church, but for whatever reason, I had to be willing to accept it and change as well.

This is the song and video I watched OBSESSIVELY, trying to understand myself, and realizing I wasn't the only one who felt that forgiving would be like losing.

Losing - Tenth Avenue North

I Guess An Explanation For My Anger

I saw my therapist/psychiatrist yesterday, and I was chomping at the bit to get out what had been bothering me since last weekend.

Tara (she was like a little sister when I lived with her family after my mother had kicked me out) had sent out what I considered a frivolous "GoFundMe" page for $7k in donations.  For the record, she received no donations, the group conversation she sent virtually everyone left, and her mother said once she figured out how to deactivate it, she did.

I guess I am validating myself - but I am not alone, just saying!  I had NO idea why I wnnt from 0 to 100 when I read the description for her reasoning of why she needed $7k in donations.

I had thought a lot about how my hypomania develops, which I had not considered in the past, it by the time I saw my therapist. I do not go from 0 to 100 immediately..  It seems, perhaps, I start getting those rapid thoughts - and the "crazy" starts building on itself.  The anger grows and grows in my mind.  That would time, but that does not mean it takes a *lot* of time, just that it is not immediate.

I am always reminded when I talk to her about what exactly my last episode was about - an email about pie.  Ha!  It really does not matter what it is.  However, I can still explain in detail, and it still makes absolute sense to me, no matter how irrational it is, why the email about pie upset me.  Of course I know it is ridiculous now and I am in now way upset about it.  I know if I tried to explain it to someone, I would start laughing, but the pain was real. : )

However, this was immediate.  And weird.

My biggest issue with Tara is that she was asking for charity when I absolutely KNEW she should be getting out there and working hard, like everyone else does, and work her ass off to change her situation.  Why wasn't she a survivor like, well, it seems like everyone I know?  At least everyone I am surrounded by.  I thought she was so lazy, or so...something.

My therapist listened patiently and did make a good point, although...her observation of me, I am not sure I believe.

She said I was having a problem with the fact that Tara may not be able to do what I have done and can do.  She said I should see what I can do as a strength - that I have been a survivor, worked hard so many times for what I needed and wanted, and not everyone has that.

Is it weird that I had not considered that?  Yes, I have so much empathy for people who live with mental illnesses and cannot function - that has actually been me in the past.

I do want to say - I do not think I would be this angry about just anyone.  I am absolutely certain this is Tara-specific.  I am not "mad at the world" or think people are lazy, not at all.  I truly believe that those who beg for money, whether it is a choice or whether they have no other choice, do not wish their lives to be that way.  Who grows up wanting to beg for money for a living?

It is *so hard* for me to give money to anyone for any reason, including every single homeless person I see in Chicago.  People are so hardened, and I have given far too much.  But part of that problem, as dumb as it sounds, is my face.  I have been born with an approachable, friendly looking face that I cannot change, and approach me people do.  I cannot count the number of times my husband had told me to work on my "Chicago face" so people will stop approaching me and asking me for money.  He has actually worked on me with the look on my face.  (Yes, I realize that sounds so silly, but it is actually scary to have strangers walk up demanding money)  We gave up and he decided I should just keep my head down.  I noticed that many people keep their heads down in downtown Chicago as well.  The result?  It did not help.  My next idea is the earphones.  Looking down, earphones so it seems as if I can not hear - surely I will not be approachable then?

Sorry - this is how my mind thinks, even on Adderall.
So...I have been upset about one person and her behavior, and that is only Tara.

As far as the GoFundMe page, she agreed that was a misuse of what people believe it is for.  She thought it was sad that there are so many people begging for money, yet there are those that may really need help, but because of the others, no one will help them.  She said she considered her donation page like that - making other pages look less important.

I told her no, I am not necessarily able to always survivie, work hard to get out bad situations, etc.  She said that was my low self esteem talking.  UGH!  I hate when therapists always bring up my low self esteem.  Well help me change it then!!  But you know, that sounds really painful so I do not bring it up myself.

I am so confused.  I realize...actually, no, perhaps there have been times in my life where I could have been homeless.  I have been completely debilitated by my mental illness.  On one hand, I have been fortunate that I have people who love me.  Yet on the OTHER hand, no I don't, not really, except for my husband.  I virtually have NO ONE ELSE that would help me that I know of.  I don't have 30 people to ask for charity like she did.  I would have NO OTHER CHOICE but to kick myself in the ass, no matter what, and fight for my survival.

No, I suppose I have not completely come to terms with it - but DO think this is VERY Tara specific,  However, I have tremendous amounts of empathy for those with physcial and mental illnesses that are debilitating.

My therapist DID tell me I needed a break from this - from her and her mother.  She said to tell them that my therapist had to me that.... I LOVED that - she gave me the words and permission. : )  Tara is already blocked on Facebook.  I told her mother, and felt she deserved an explanation and she was extremely, extremely sweet about the whole thing.  My therapist even fixed my phone as I could not figure out how to keep the facebook messages from popping up and upsetting me.

So that is it.  Back to my small business and working hard - making less than minimum wage and very fortunate that my husband lets me do what I love. : )

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