On The Bright Side...

I suppose I am feeling optimistic and positive today, but I do believe that adversity does make you stronger, or at least shows you just how strong you really are once you are past it.  I tend to wallow in "whoa is me" too often, I am sure.  How many of those times I should have been able to control it, I have no idea.  I know I do not *like* feeling that way, but has it become a habit?  Is it a way or an excuse to get out of doing things I do not want to do or have the energy to do?  If so, why do I not just do them - get them out of the way?  The more I do not do the things I should and need to do, the more they pile up.  THEN it is all overwhelming and I simply will not do whatever it is I should do.

Maybe that is being too hard on myself, or perhaps I should be MORE hard on myself.  Actually, I confuse the hell out of myself.

In my last post, I ranted about our marriage counselor spending most of our sessions talking about her personal life - even interrupting me when I tried to talk about our relationship.  Imagine my surprise when, for the first time that I can remember, she arrived and actually was beginning our session - talking about the relationship, before she even shut the door.  I can not recall a single time she talked about her personal life and what was going on at all.  Things like that make me so suspicious.  It was definitely a coincidence, right?  Coincidences happen ALL OF THE TIME!  To think there is any possible way she read my blog, and even if she did, to know it was me and that it was her is mind blowing.

We shall see next week.

Mark's 'rents will be here in a few hours.  UGH.  I have managed to do the absolute impossible - with help - paid help, of course, but I worked a lot too. Make almost the entire house (4,000 sq ft), minus one spare bedroom and the laundry room clutter free and spotless.  It feels really good!  The girl I hired for a few hours to help with my wreath business came over two Saturdays for several hours each day and we cleaned together on clutter and got SO MUCH DONE!  She is incredibly efficient, has a ton of energy and I told her she was the supervisor each day!  The maids did their regular cleaning on Friday but I had them do some extra things and had told them and their boss it had to be spotless for my Mother-In-Law.  They absolutely understood what I meant, ha!  That reminds me, I should write their boss an email letting him know how much I appreciate their hard work.

I have the MOST awesome psychiatrist/therapist now.  She just sent a text encouraging me to make two wreaths today - that she knew I could do it.  She knows I get so overwhelmed and then I feel like such a failure.  I so adore her.

I need to write a post on my experience with my last psychiatrist and why I  now have a new one.  My last psychiatrist is one of the best in Illinois and I felt so incredibly lucky to be able to get in to her and that she took me as a patient.  And YES, she is an AWESOME doctor.  Sometimes though, there are really, really weird things going on in offices that there is no way you could have ever imagined even happening in a professional office between medical (and married) psychiatrists.  What a nightmare.  It probably requires an entire entry.  The thing about it?  I now know that basically the entire mental health community knows about it!!  It is no surprise!!

I Don't Need My Therapist to Be My Friend

I have been feeling pretty good lately.  Probably somewhat lonely I guess, but who wouldn't be that spent day after day by themselves at home working with very little social interaction.

I am still behind in my work, but pleased I am actually DOING it.  And there have been no complaints to speak of about "Where is my order??".  I have been trying to work on my communication when it comes to not meeting my shipping commitment dates.

Mark's parents will be here Sunday.  O-M-G.  I have had all of the clutter picked up MAJORLY!  (Okay, so I paid for most of it, but I have done a lot of it myself as well).  I still have quite a bit to do, but now see a very near light at the end of the tunnel.  The dishes...SO MANY.  No, they are not scattered all over the kitchen like you see on hoarders - they are neatly piled in one side of the sink, but piled really high.  That is even after I did a load of dishes!  The maids come tomorrow to clean - their normal stuff.  Get the hardwoods clean and shiny, etc.

I am planning on not spending a lot of time with them while they are here.  They always make it obvious that they are here to see Mark, not me, and I will have PLENTY of work that needs to get done ASAP.  I guess they mean well, but they really annoy me.  I told my sister-in-law they will be visiting, and she is so funny.  She said I am such a better person than she is, to put up with them in my home.  HA!

I do not remember if I have talked about our marriage counselor.  She was originally my therapist, then we went to her for counseling together and I no longer see her by myself.  Most of the time it seems worthless.

She goes ON and ON and ON talking about herself.  I mean - I do not know how to convey how much she talks about herself and it not even be an exaggeration.  I *know* I do not have a pleasant look on my face and she should know me, but either she is oblivious to that fact and that I no longer participate in her routine conversations, or Mark has picked up where I left off.  He gives cues that he is listening to her that I have completely stopped, like "uh-huh".  and "yeah", and faking a laugh here and there.   I say absolutely nothing, thinking she will shut up but she never does.  I will try to inject relationship issues just to be interrupted while she continues to talk about herself.

I do not want  her to be MY FRIEND, I want her to help us with our relationship!

It is SO bad that when we were driving to her office one morning, Mark actually said "I wonder what we need to help her with today?"  She is really beginning to annoy me.  A lot of times she says things to me that I do and blames it on having a character flaw (at least that is how I interpret it), not caring about something that is important to Mark and that I am simply not trying hard enough or at all.  I can not stress enough how much this, when it is totally WRONG, it infuriates me and hurts me at the same time.

Finally one day, she was lecturing me about my poor sleep habits, that I needed to force myself into a sleep schedule, take vitamins, be more active, eat foods that help induce sleep.  I DO go to bed religiously every night at the same time.  I get the being more active part as well.  But when I ran almost every day, it did not change, and she can take her holistic mumbo jumbo and do with it what I think she needs to do with it.

So I said, very aggressively, that there really are things about me that are CHEMICAL reasons that I am absolutely not capable of changing on my own.  Seriously - she was referred to me by a freaking PSYCHIATRIST!  HELLO?  Cleaning house - again, I have ADHD (or ADD?) and even with medication, I have been told by my psychiatrists that some things are personality habits that cannot be changed, like that one.  Not that I do not try!  *That* is the issue that she harps on that bothers Mark that she thinks I do not care and do not try.  When I aggressively addressed her (about sleep), she had a surprised and a bit shocked look, but then said she agreed and has not brought up my need for sleep again (but not cleaning house).  I hate confrontation, and I am not at ALL aggressive.  It takes a LOT LOT LOT to get me that way - and she absolutely has to know that.

My new psychiatrist/CBT therapist seems to really get it.  Since she is a psychiatrist, she easily recognizes the difference - is it a chemical imbalance or something else?

Cleaning the house, making wreaths....yep, my life is exactly the way I thought it would turn out..  Ha!  However, the luxury of working from home for someone like myself is absolutely priceless.  I have good days and bad days, but my bad days seem to be way worse than most people's.  In those cases, it is such a relief to be able to concentrate on myself and nothing else.

Keep Trying.

I have a lot of work to do which I do not want to do, behind as always.  Maybe that is why I am writing so much, but I looked at blogs that have been around as long as I have been - 10 - 11 years?  Many have become complete advocacy blogs, sharing absolutely nothing about themselves any longer.  What does that mean?  Have they finally got their crap together, after 10 years?  It certainly seems that I should as well.  Yet why haven't I?  I went to one of the best psychiatrists in Illinois, yet...I do not.  If I have not blogged about that experience, which is very possible as I just got back into being locked out of my blog recently, I will do so soon.

When I write in my blog, I know I do not pay attention to proper sentence structure, punctuation, even spelling or grammar.  I do run spell check though - but that only goes so far.  If I do not write in this fashion - as a stream of consciousness, and am consumed by HOW I am saying what I am saying, I will never get it out.  It will end up not being authentic and genuine.  I have been through many writing classes, but honestly, this is my journal and I just do not care.

I guess I have turned a *bit* into an advocate, but in real life, which I am not sure if that should transfer over to blog life.  I adore Project Semicolon, and purchased a hand stamped semicolon that I wear on a chain along with a very small diamond cross that my husband gave me as a gift.  The necklace may be one of the most meaningful pieces of jewelry I have ever owned.

HOWEVER.  I need to fix it.  While yes, the semicolon has a special meaning to me, I do not need to be reminded of depression, suicide and my mental illness every time I look into the mirror!  That is NOT who I am. Yes, I constantly struggle with it, but I do not need to remember that I am damaged all of the time.  I try to forget, be myself which is a NORMAL person and do not need a mirror telling me that I am not.

As far as Project Semicolon suggesting everyone should tattoo a semicolon on their wrist?  I used to think that was a great idea - spread awareness.  Now that I have this necklace - that I need to fix - make sure the cross is on the outside covering the semicolon, or if that does not work, simply turn the semicolon around, I see that if I had gotten a tattoo of a semicolon on my wrist that I would be regretting it (but I would not have gotten a tattoo).  I would only be getting one for me, and now I know that I do NOT want to be reminded of something so terrible in my life.  Why should I EMBRACE it?

However, I AM trying to start conversations about depression and suicide.  I AM more readily telling people how serious my depression has been.  Besides my friend that was suicidal and checked into a facility a few weeks ago, I told another person that I had been suicidal and had been hospitalized.  There are a few things I am hoping for.  First of all - I am trying to help break the stigma.  People only know me as "normal".  Okay, they might think I am a bit...flaky, I have no idea and that might be a bit paranoid. Sometimes I just do not want to do something that I previously said I did.  If I tell them, maybe in the future my disclosure might help them understand my strange behavior once in awhile.

Also - if I discuss it openly, I hope they feel they can discuss it with me and others as openly as well.
For my age group, suicide is the #1 killer, yet all I hear about is the heart foundation, obesity, etc.  People do not talk about suicide, yet it trumps all other forms of death for those my age!

I am SO not being preachy or advocacy-ish.  Personally, I am doing all I know to keep myself together and it is a day by day thing.  And some days I do all I can, some days I am not so good at it.  I am working on that - most days.  I don't know, I am probably a mess.  All I know is to keep trying, even when I fail.  Eventually, get up and keep trying.

Yes, 11 years of it.  Get up and keep trying.
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