Please Not a Fight...

Mark called and is on his way home, will be here shortly.  Quick predictor - this will be a terrible night and we most likely will argue.  I have not done anything that has made him angry and no one is upset at him at work.  Someone got a big promotion at work, in a different department from him, for a job that he did not apply for.  And he is furious that this person who got the job is a full VP while he is not.  Yet...he did not apply for the job.  And he does not even work in that department.

As a matter of fact, he would have had an excellent chance of having this very job had he stayed in that department, but he could not get out of there fast enough once his project was over.  They wanted him to stay, but that is how he is - restless, unhappy where he is and is always looking over the fence at the grass he swears must be greener.

He was fuming, yelling on the phone about it as we was telling me about it, letting me know he was on the way home instead of going to the person who held the position's going away party (because the person who got the job was going to be there - I would say sore loser, yet...he how did he lose exactly?)

I will not be able to say anything right.  Anything I say, any tone, any approach, any topic, even if I say nothing, I bet it will be wrong going on previous experiences.

That means I will get yelled at.  Or should I say..."I am NOT yelling!  This is how men cry!"  In other words, yelling.  Or just simply...I am not yelling.

How in the world do I keep myself from engaging if everything I say is going to be wrong.

Yet...isn't there something wrong with HIM?

Sure, I get jealousy - to a point.

But something good happened for someone today.

Why does something good happening to someone else, not him, mean something bad happened to HIM instead?  Why is that the first reaction?

Why is everything about HIM at work?

Do other people see him that way?

It is so hard to live with - it is an emotional rollercoaster that must be treated very carefully - with white velvet gloves at all times.  If that is the male ego OMG.

Lots of Changes

Over a month ago, my psychiatrist prescribed Topomax for my migraines.  She asked how often I was getting them which I had not considered, but it was about half of the month.

Since I started taking it, I have had one migraine not long after I started taking it, and that is it!  I feel SO much better.  How in the world did I live that way?  No choice I suppose.  Now just cold like allergy symptoms that I am working on.

I have had some personality changes though since I started taking Topomax.  Some good, some not so good.  Since it has basically given me my life back, I need to work it out.

But since I have been taking Topomax, and I guess that is the reason, it has been since then, I have been spending a lot of money.  It is not big purchases, they are all small, but they add up.

I think the craziest "small purchases" thing I have done that has added up is my new addiction to beauty boxes.  I have had a subscription to a $10 beauty box for at least a year, but for some reason when I received them in the mail, I would rummage through them, set them down, and that is where they stayed.  But since I have been taking Topomax, I have been into organizing the house (my other personality change), and have found these boxes and using the samples.  I have really enjoyed trying new products and taking better care of myself over all.  That means about a year of samples!  And I got to organize them!!

Great, right?  Except....I got carried away with ordering more subscriptions.  I now have five beauty box subscriptions.  They are not all makeup, I mean, I am not THAT crazy (ha). can I NOT have the one from Sephora?  Then there is one from Ipsy that is only $10.  I am working on my nails and have no good polish, and cannot find any, so there is one for polish - Julep.  I am the most into skin care and moisturizing right now, so the dermatoligist curated beauty box is the most important to me - Beauty Fix.  Those serums and dermatologist recommended moisturizers, full size products, are in the hundreds.

Why the fascination with beauty boxes?  I have always, always hated spending $$$ on good quality makeup, skin care, etc. products and finding I hate them.  But I get a whole box at less than what maybe one full size product costs.  So I had just not been trying anything or using drugstore products with the fear of investing in something and wasting my money.

I do not intend to keep all of these subscriptions.  I simply did not know which was the best, even with all of the reviews.  I am only going month to month, and will cancel after a few months.

Or when Mark figures it out and says something.

The other thing is a positive.  It was not long at all after I started taking Topomax that I had this compulsion to organize the house.  It was hard to walk past something and not want to stop and "fix it".  My house has always been a mess - cluttered, not dirty, all of it mine.  I guess I was lazy, I did not care, but honestly, most of the time I did not even SEE IT, so it did not bother me!

Not so anymore.  It drives me crazy.  The first time the maids came after I started taking Topomax, they were shocked and asked me if we were moving.  Ha!  There was so much clutter missing, as well as boxes on the floor where I was still packing things up that I was not throwing away (coats in the coat closet, etc.)  I have a long way to go.

That has caused problems though.  I am moving things around that has not been moved in maybe years, so it has a ton of dust on it, behind it, under it, etc.  My dust allergy has been going *crazy*!  I need to get a dust mask.

I did tell my psychiatrist about my obsession to organize the house.  She said that is an uncommon side effect of Topomax.  It can slow your mind down and make you see the details of everything.  That does explain it - I did not really see these things before, and now they drive me crazy and I *have* to fix them.

So...that brings me to another thing I have been buying.  Lots and lots and LOTS of storage bins - all sizes.  We did not have any, and I see we simply can not have enough of them.  My obsession is not CLEANING, it is ORGANIZING.  And I LOVE IT.

It is the weirdest thing.  I have never been an organizer, never liked it.  And now?  It would be heaven to spend an entire day being able to work on the house, organizing areas that are a mess.  The house is over 4000 sq ft PLUS the basement, so while yes, I have done what I can while also working from home, there is still a lot to do from just living in the house for 4 years.

I have been putting off making wreaths.  I know, I know.  I think I absolutely hate my job when I HAVE to do it.  Yes, everybody HAS to do their jobs, but I always wanted being creative and making things to be pleasant and enjoyable, and now it just isn't.

Hope Lost, I Guess Long Ago

I just don't feel well.  An overall feeling of not feeling good, fatigue, yet my stomach - is it anxiety?  This time it it an ache?  I do not know, I am trying to tell the difference between overwhelming anxiety and physical pain.  I give up.  It just feels the way it feels but I am glad I am not in bad pain and not stuck in bed.  I just feel yucky.  I am so tired of feeling this way, if indeed all of this time it has been physical pain.

Am I the only one that experiences this confusion?  Not being able to tell the difference between horrible anxiety and stomach pain?  Not sharp pain, but just like the stomach pain that is intense when at least I have bad anxiety.

I have no hope, none at all, that any of this will go away.  My overwhelming anxiety, if that is what is is, has not been cured.  Why is this any different, if it is stomach pain - like a dullness I guess?

I am tired of not feeling well, tired of complaining constantly as if I were a hypochondriac, for attention.  If that were true, it does not work, I do not get attention.  If I wanted attention, that is not the kind I want.  I am sure my husband thinks I always have an excuse - I am always sick with this or that, using it as an excuse for some reason.  Do I?  I guess people soldier on, I am sure I am depressed, and have given up hope about feeling overall good and healthy really.

I slept most of the weekend - still not over whatever upper respiratory infection I have and have been coughing and getting sick, making Mark pull over to the side of the road.  Of course, no empathy whatsoever.  I do not expect it - this is what I mean.  I am sure he hears my complaints of being sick all of the time.  I think he thinks I make it up, I really do.  Perhaps that I am too dramatic - I know he thinks that of me.  And he is probably right about that.

I should call my doctor and tell him I finished my Prednisone but am not better, but what is the point.  I do not know what is worse - a stronger steroid with worse side effects or hoping eventually I get better.

I am an absolute loser.  I bet all of this is in my head.  Maybe my mind is making excuses not to do things because I am depressed.  Hell I don't know!  I wish someone could understand, anyone, how it has felt physically for so long now.  I am just really, really tired and do not see any possibility of it ending.

I did complete my poo test and sent it off.  I really do not care at all what the results are.  Why would it matter?  I have no hope anyone can help me feel better.  I am so unmotivated to get that blood test.  I have truly, truly lost hope, and this is just how it is going to be.  I need to "suck it up, buttercup".  

And I will.  Maybe everyone feels like this all of the time like I do, and I am a pansy.  Maybe this is depression in the physical form.  Who cares, it is not getting better, not anything.

But here I sit, with this awful feeling in my stomach, with no idea now what it is that I feel.

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