I finally started the process of getting my bad checks taken care of. The whole nasty situation is going to cost me $700, but at least it will all be behind me. I found out that if I drove and got pulled over, I would be put in jail and couldn't be bonded out - so if I were caught, I would just have to stay in jail. I can't imagine that - staying in jail for months? I was so scared that I took a taxi to the courthouse, and had to see the judge. He lowered the fines, but I'm not sure how much. It seems like I pay the check, plus $100 per bad check, then $300 more dollars, equaling about $700. The taxi driver told me that he gets about 24 traffic tickets in 12 months, and has to keep track of them so he doesn't make any failures to appear like I did. He actually appears, and even asks for jury trials. I can't imagine that, but I can imagine 24 tickets in 12 months if you're a taxi driver. Oh yeah - I forgot. I told the taxi driver that I had traffic tickets, not bad checks. That sounds a little better, I'm so ashamed.
Other than that, the house is a mess, I have a headache, Mark and I got into a big fight tonight over money, and I'm ready to go to work. I am bored - just like Alan, my new boss, said I would be. But tomorrow I have to go pay for the checks, take our clothes to the cleaners, do laundry, and try and pick up some of this mess. I wish I could just take a pill for some energy, but what is there that I haven't already tried?
I really wish that I wasn't so messy. I mean, I am a MESS. But I read on the bipolar boards that this is a common problem for bipolars. They're just messy, and then it overwhelms them. I'm not saying that I am bipolar, that's who I am. I'm who I am, and I happen to be bipolar. Being bipolar does explain some things in my life, but it's not a crutch I use, or at least try to use. It's actually quite humiliating, and only a few people know. Just Mark, my dad, maybe Melanie, Johnnie, Kellie, Totty and Josh. The last 5 are from "a big 5 consulting firm", where I worked for 8 years. I took everything for granted there, but why wouldn't I - I worked there for 8 frickin' years. And I was fired. Of course I don't admit that to anyone, but I deserved it, it was a long time coming. I gave my ALL to that job when I was a supervisor, and when Theo was promoted to manager and not me, I lost it. I couldn't get over it, and I was severely depressed for months. I couldn't laugh, nothing gave me joy, and I would come home and go to bed in my dress clothes and cry for hours in bed while Mark tried to talk to me. After a few hours (and probably a headache) later, I would feel better enough to change my clothes, I'm sure I would eat something, and probably go to bed just to start the cycle all over again. I wonder if this is already in my blog. So anyways, it finally got so bad - I had all these ideas of how I was going to end my life, it was the only soothing thing I had, the only thing that made me feel better, that Mark really pushed me to call my horrible psychiatrist that I had back then - a Russian woman whom I could not communicate with. She called me back after I paged her, and because I said I wanted to kill myself, she wouldn't prescribe anything, and I had no choice but to go to the hospital. It was an experience I'll never forget. It's an experience I'll never regret, either. I was out of work for 6 weeks, if you can believe that. I had so much anxiety and wanted to die all at the same time. My doctor, whom I didn't think was any good, really saved me. Without him, I don't know where I'd be today. Probably not on my third job this year. Ha! I have a feeling that I've already talked about this before in my blog, so I'll just end it here...
This is my one week off from work, so I'd better enjoy it while I can. I guess all I can do is try to clean as much as I can so we can have a cleaning company come every other week to clean our house. I think life would be so much better that way. Of course, we need someone to do the outside of our house too. Who knows, maybe this summer we'll have the money to get our yard landscaped - wouldn't that be nice!
Okay - over and out. Tomorrow is pay my bad checks day. Ick.
Bye sweet blog.