There are people, I'm sure, who are going through worse times than I am. Mark still hasn't found a job, and that's $125k we're missing a year. My job can't come anywhere near that.
I still miss my dog more than anything. I worry and I'm sad.
On top of that, I fell in the parking lot today and landed on my knee, putting a huge hole in my hose with blood gushing from the wound, down my leg (and yes, down the hose). After almost 2 hours, I finally went to the security desk for a band-aid, and they made me fill out an "incident report". I had to explain what happened to me (falling on concrete and landing on my knee), and "no, there were no witnesses". "Yes, that was the only injury", and "yes, it happened in the parking lot". Can you believe all of this had to be documented for a band aid?? I was starting to grab a pen to sign the form, and then I was told it was not necessary. Well what was the purpose, then? Not only that, but next there was this whole process about what SIZE of band-aid to give me, with a handy-man joining in the search for the perfect band-aid, and a non-adhesive one was decided upon by them, and they told me to cut it and tape the ends to my leg or my hose. You're thinking regular band-aids must not have been there. They were. I saw them. They thought they were too small, but they weren't. I don't know what I was thinking by listening to them, so I thanked them, took the non-adhesive bandage to my desk, cut it, and TAPED it to my hose. Unfortunately, I wore a dress above my knees (just barely, still professional), and the bandage was white, the tape wasn't invisible, and it was a horrid mess. Just horrid enough for people to say (before bandage) "Oh my gosh, what happened to your knee?" (after bandage) "Oh my gosh, what happened to your knee?"
So back to the song, "Bad Day". It makes me think - maybe it's not a bad life, I'm just having a bad day. So what if I did think every day is a bad day? At least I can think TODAY is just a bad day, and have hope for tomorrow.
But there's a part in the song that rings so true to me. I've been to the bottomless pit of depression, where it's not even in you to pretend to anyone anymore, and you don't even remember how to try to pretend, because you don't remember what it was like when you didn't feel that way. It goes like this, and honestly, sometimes this still happens....
....You're standing in line just to hit a new low...
....You're faking a smile with a coffee to go...
That's me. Everything's falling apart around me. Life is still moving on like it always does, I'm going through the motions like I always do, maybe I feel empty, void, anxious, whatever I happen to feel, but there it is. I'm still faking that smile to an unknown stranger like everything is just a-ok. Why? Is that an American culture type of thing? I don't think so. I've seen people in line in front of me who don't smile when they grab their latte, they just grab their cup, maybe say thanks, and move on with their life. Why do I feel like I have to smile? I am always more concerned that they know I am pleased with their service and that I brighten their day instead of just acting and being myself.
Sometimes I wonder - who am I really? Who would I act like if I was really just being me?
Yesterday I was creating a training schedule for a new recruiter that started today, and coordinating it with a girl who's also a lead recruiter and has been there a lot longer than I have and has trained before at this company (this is my first time, I've only been here 8 months), and while I asked her a question, I got an email from her that said "she is such a furking idiot". She and I are not friends. We are not all-out enemies, but I would say we are quite competitive as the top two recruiters in our division. I sent an email back after we got off the phone that said simply "?" and she said she meant to send that to her other friend with the same name. Is it just me, or is that a bizarre coincidence? Being the kind of person that I am and I can NOT let things go, I had to show the Regional Vice President of Recruiting in our Division, knowing full well she is good friends with her. The RVP said she would been up in her face after a memo like that, but in her defense, she'd done something like that before, and this girl was going through personal issues right now. I found out what they were today. Her boyfriend permanently moved to Germany today. So, she said, she was "officially single" at 3:00pm today. But does that mean it's okay to send me a memo saying "she's a furking idiot"? I'm sure it was meant to another co-worker about me. But also, being the kind of person I am, I used it to my advantage. While the RVP was saying she would be in her face about it confronting her, I said, no, I'm taking it in the competitive spirit it may have been sent in, and I'm going to stay professional and not let it affect my job or my performance. She was quite impressed, as I knew she would be. So, in my own way, I got the girl recruiter back, and at the same time, I added another level of professionalism to my name. I had to blow it off today and not think about it as we worked together with the two new recruiters.
But my day really wasn't bad. I booked a big job today from May - November.
No, my day wasn't bad at all. Eventful, yes. Bad, no. Still..."Bad Day" is a song that makes me feel good.
...faking a smile with a coffee to go... I don't want to be rude, but I wonder if I can just stop FAKING that darned smile for once.