Nothing to Look Forward To...

Maybe I feel like I have nothing to say because I just have nothing to give to anyone. I hate everything. I hate myself. I hate the world.

I hate my job and my stupid boss. I hate the people I work with everyday. I hate that I'm so fat that all I see are big pieces of flab everywhere. I hate that I can't even find a pair of shorts. I hate that I BOUGHT a pair of shorts today, just to come and for some weird reason, they fit at the store, and they don't by the time I got home? In about 6 hours? How could THAT happen?

I hate looking for people to fill these stupid jobs. I feel like having a temper tantrum! But I don't know what to have one about exactly! I have a lack of any motivation to do anything - what is worth my energy to do? And yet, I'm so bored I could just DIE, and I crave for something to do that I enjoy and I want to have fun. But how can you when you hate the world, everything around you and especially yourself?

I can't even make a list of everything that I think is just worthless right now. And even if I could, it would be a waste of energy, and like I said, I just don't have the motivation.

I don't HATE certain people. I don't HATE Mark. I don't HATE my blog friends. I like Mark and my blog friends very much. But rather.....I'm very annoyed.

I'm NOT angry - don't confuse hate and annoyance with anger. I'm anything but angry. There's nothing to be angry about. Nothing happened to make me angry or mad. Well, my stupid boss, but he's more annoying than anything.

I hate everything and I'm annoyed with everything.

How can that be possible? Even Mark annoyed me when he was actually trying to be nice. He knows I've been looking for a stupid pair of shorts, and I bought a pair (the pair that doesn't fit after 6 hours of not eating?), and he was checking the balance online of our checking account, and after saying hello, when I walked in, he made a comment. He said "can you let me know about how much you're going to spend when you shop so I can can have an idea of what to budget?" He made it clear that he wasn't saying I COULDN'T shop, just to give him a rough idea of how much I wanted to spend. Well I don't KNOW that. And then no matter how I answer that question, I feel guilty. What's my answer to that question, when I don't even know what I want to buy? $200? $500? Does he mean weekly? Does he mean tomorrow? Does he mean daily? Monthly? I know it sounds like I'm an out of control shopper - it's not that. It's that I don't have anything to DO at lunch time, and I can't stand to sit in the office and work or watch other people eat. If there was a bookstore, I'd sit in a big, comfy chair and grab a book and read it during lunch. Coffee from Starbucks is the last thing I want - it's 100 degrees outside. So there are all of these shops, and I just look around. I don't feel like making friends with people at work, because then what would we do? Go somewhere for lunch? I picked up a ton of stuff today, and didn't buy any of it. I just walked through boutique stores. Mark and I had already had a conversation about shorts, we'd looked for some over the weekend, I couldn't find any I liked, and he knew I was looking for some. I went through probably 5 or 6 stores and you know what I bought over the weekend? One button up white shirt. No, he wasn't mad I bought one stupid pair of shorts today. He wanted a "rough idea" of what to budget. I have a feeling I could have told him just about anything - he was only looking for an answer to plug into his worksheet.

So why is everything and everyone annoying me? Why do I hate everything?

See...this is exactly what I mean. I really just have nothing to put on my blog anymore - there is just nothing to share. An entire entry about how I hate everything.

Why does that even matter? WHAT even matters anymore? Mark matters to me, if I lost him, I would die. But that's going to the extreme. I have to think about losing Mark to think about one thing that matters to me? Well, my dog is already gone...that's the only other thing that would have mattered to me.

Did I never get over my dog dying? That's just too messed up to even think about. Maybe it's PMS, which would explain why a pair of shorts wouldn't fit 6 hours later - maybe water weight gain.

It really doesn't matter. it does. I feel like I could cry and cry. It started when I thought of my dog? WHEN will I get over that??? Never? Even Mark has asked me when am I going to get over it. I don't know, how could I possibly know that? I just told him everyone grieves differently?

Oh well, I still hate everything and I'm still annoyed, just with a lump in my throat now.

GOD let this be PMS. Maybe I'll take a Midol. AND a Klonipin?

The worst part of the day is when my alarm clock goes off in the morning and I know it's time to get up for work.

THAT is what I have to look forward to - lucky me.

Taking a Blog Break?

I don't know that I have anything to say on my blog anymore. I'm just flatlined, not up, not down. Mark and I aren't getting along really well - he gets on my nerves, and it seems like I get on his, too. We actually got into an argument at the mall because he didn't "act" like he wanted to be there (I said). He said he would be just as fine at the mall as he would be at home - it didn't matter to him where he was, so just choose what store to go into, he didn't care. I hate that we have NOTHING in common. Of course I can't expect him to enjoy clothes shopping with me (that isn't why we went - I needed to get my engagement ring resized). I told him he was just shuffling behind me or beside me, not saying where he wanted to go. I suggested we go to Friday's so I could get something to drink and maybe we could share an appetizer, but he thought it was a waste of money because of last time. So he actually stood in one place outside of the mall and wouldn't move. Yes, that's how well we're getting along - fighting in public now. He just stood there, wouldn't go back, wouldn't go to the car. I finally decided to just go to the car and wait for him, and let him stand there on the sidewalk, just stand there all alone, looking like a jackass. It worked, and he came to the car. So we bickered over semantics all the way home. "Oh, so NOW I..." "You just SAID..."

We bicker, and then it's like nothing ever happened - we're back to being ourselves. We sometimes start laughing in the middle of it because it gets so ridiculous. But then I don't really feel like he's WITH me - is he AGAINST me? Is this a power struggle?

I just feel like this is so circumstantial, and will blow over eventually. It's really not even worth the time I'm taking to type it out, except I can't figure out what's changed in our relationship. What has caused this occasional friction between us?

I guess when I have something of value to write about, I'll post another entry. Until then...I'm still around. I just don't have anything to say - to record for later, to get my feelings out for whatever reason...I'm

Bipolar Therapist?

It bothers me that my psychiatrist thinks I'm doing so well.

At the same time, what issues do I have that medication could fix?

I was completely honest when I saw him on Thursday and he said not to come until Christmastime or so, and gave me 11 refills on my prescriptions. Let me explain something about my doctor first of all. He's not in psychiatry to make money. He sees patients to "feed himself". His real reason for being in psychiatry is to do research. He has recognition letters and awards in frames in his office for his research in the psychiatric field, and when I do a search for his name, I see his research work. He only sees patients from 1:00 - 5:00 every day, taking one day off a week, and sees patients in the psych ward at about 10:00p at night (yes, it was frustrating when I was in the psych ward).

So, he's not about to tell me to come in every 2 or 3 months just to collect money from me. He's more than likely to tell me what he really thinks about when I need to come in, and to tell me to make an appointment if I feel I need to see him sooner.

But shouldn't I be coming in every 3 months at least for a "check-up"? It's great that he trusts me that I'll call in if I need to see me, but what if I just don't see that I need to see him?

I do have issues. I'm an overachiever and it eats me up inside and causes problems psychologically. I have intense anxiety at times. Mark and I don't always get along - but we never actually fight. I have a crazy boss. I've been through countless jobs in the past 2 years.
I can be a hermit, and I don't really do anything on the weekends. I don't spend a lot of time with anyone besides Mark.

But medication can't really fix any of this, so I don't bring it up - what can he really do about it? We've been down the anxiety road plenty of times, and it's so much better than it was. The rest is situational. I'm not depressed. I'm not manic. My medication is working, or so it seems.

I've been down the therapy road plenty of times. There's nothing left for them to help me with, either, or at least the ones I've been to. The one that can help me is an hour away, and I think she retired anyway. I'm not about to bring up the past again - that's been old and talked out to DEATH in therapy and group sessions years ago, I know where I stand on that, how it's affected me, and there's no reason to go back there again.

I DO wish I could find a therapist who specialized in being bipolar. In my experience, therapists don't like to take on bipolar patients. I've been told "your issues are really chemical based, I don't see that I can help you". And finding a therapist to take on patients on a Saturday is a challenge too, because I can't exactly go during the week.

If anyone has any suggestions on how to find a therapist who specializes in treating bipolar patients, and has any experience with therapists who helped them adjust to their disorder, I'd love to hear about it. I'd like to be able to learn more about what typical bipolar traits are - like doing things 100% or not at all, which I definitely have, and how to overcome that. Medication cannot fix that.

Was it the Shorts?

Mark got home from work yesterday about the time I got home from the psychiatrist. I opened the door to the garage to greet him, and as he walked into the house, he looked down to see what I was wearing.

"HAHA! How funny! That's a blast from the past! Where'd you get those? WHY are you WEARING them?"

I didn't think it was so funny. Yes, I knew no one wore Girbaud jeans with the white striped emblem on the zipper anymore that I'd seen, but what was the big deal? It was just a pair of jean shorts, I was sick, I wanted something that fit to wear to the doctor's office, and I went rummaging through my old clothes and dug these up from the 90's.

"I love these shorts. Can't you tell how much I used to wear them? They are SO comfortable. As a matter of fact, I'm putting them in 'rotation'".

He just eyed my shorts. "Where did you GO today? Where do you WANT to go?"

It was so ridiculous. He's taken me to the corner gas station/store in sweat pants and sandals, and now he's freaking out about a pair of shorts? I started feeling old....

"We wore those back in HIGH SCHOOL - they don't WEAR those anymore!". Well, Mr. Younger Than Me, I was OUT of high school when I wore them. I felt older....

"I could care less - I like them, and I'm going to wear them. I'm not buying new shorts for the summer!" and then, out of curiousity...."what would you compare this to? Wearing old Girbaud shorts from the 90's is comparable to wearing what as well?" Why I asked for his misinformed opinion, I have no idea.

He thought about it for a minute. "That would be like wearing a Mossimo t-shirt today".

It still wasn't clicking with me. "But I have 2 Mossimo t-shirts that I still wear that I bought a few years ago."

"Yeah, but you bought them at TARGET, after they'd gone through their phase and weren't expensive anymore and weren't cool".

I'm NOT giving up my shorts. And as I'm writing this, I'm wearing my blue Mossimo t-shirt that I bought at Target years ago because it's comfortable around the house, with a pair of really big sweats that I think I bought at WalMart 2 winters ago because I'm cold. Who am I trying to impress? And him? He's got a stupid dress pullover on and shorts that he had dry cleaned.

I called him "pretentious", and he said "I'm not anything that I wasn't when you met me".

What is his deal with me lately? Am I doing the same thing back to him and just not realizing it? Am I somehow bringing out the worst in him? This is a person who grew up in a very rich school district, who had parents who wouldn't buy him expensive brand named clothes in grade school and got picked on because of it. This really isn't like him to be so snooty about clothes.

Why is he suddenly on my case? What is his deal with me? All of a sudden? If he wore some out of date shorts, I could really care less. We could go to the movies uptown, and I wouldn't think anything of it.

Come to think of it....I HAVE been wearing the same clothes for about 2 years or longer now, and just RECENTLY spent money on new, smaller, updated clothes. He didn't say anything about my clothes when I was wearing the same old things for 2 years, so why now?
I know I look much better - I mean, I've lost almost 50 pounds and bought new frickin clothes! so why is he putting me down?

Is it jealousy? Is it possible to be jealous of your mate?

The thing is, it's not only clothes. He laughs and says my "messes" make him crazy (I do leave little "messes" around the house that I don't pick up, but that's never changed, hence, the maid service), that I'm emotional (but that's got to be better - how many mood stabilizers do you have to take before you flatline?), that technical recruiters don't understand technology and just search on key words on resumes (that *I* told him when I made his resume!!), and I actually think he calls my profession "re-pukes", although he relies on them.

Maybe I'm reading this all wrong. I write things, and then the next day, I wonder what the hell was I thinking.

I push and I push him, I know that. Just today he called me argumentative and stubborn, but I called his dad an idiot. I saw him puff up when I said that. "My dad is probably one of the world's best known inventors when it comes to fiberoptics". "Maybe, but he remembers voting for JFK....TWICE." "Oh yeah? Well you're JUST LIKE YOUR Dad. I've never known two people who were so much alike." "You've never even met my Dad" "Yes I have, at your Uncle's funeral. I shook his hand."

It's this battle we're in...and I'm not sure why? I could try and get out of it and be sweet and loving, but to me, I already AM being sweet and loving...things just unravel in a weird sort of way.

We never yell, we don't get mad at each other, it's just little jabs. And then we go back to talking like normal.

Is it because we never fight? Is this our way of fighting?

Tomorrow is a new day. I'll probably see this in a whole new light, and maybe this is just PMS setting in....

Down the Yellow Brick Road...

So I took my trip to the pdoc out of necessity today to get new prescriptions. I took the entire day off because I didn't know what time my doctor would be able to "squeeze" me in.

Since I wasn't there for any particular reason, and he was just on the computer sending faxes of refills to my pharmacy and just asking me politely "so how are you?" while I commented on us both having a cold, I thought it would be a good time to ask some questions. Usually I have something in my mind that I want to talk about, but this all happened so quickly, that nothing was on my mind.

I had to sit and wait while he was on his computer faxing my prescriptions to my pharmacy (I know, hi-tech doc, huh?) so I decided to talk - this visit was being paid for, I hadn't seen him in awhile, and what the heck? Sure, he's not a tdoc, and doesn't pretend to be, but that's not the kind of things I wanted to talk about anyway.

I asked the BIG QUESTION:

ME: What is my actual diagnosis?

HIM: (staring at computer screen, then looking up to consider the question) Depressive state, bipolar mixed.

ME: I mean...Bipolar 1 or Bipolar 2?

HIM: Let me check my notes (and he clicks out of the screen he was in and goes into my electronic chart and starts reading. ) You have SOME of the symptoms of mania, but not enough to diagnosis you as being either Bipolar 1 or Bipolar 2. That's why your diagnosis is depressive state, bipolar mixed.

ME: Okay, that's what I thought...

And yes, that really WAS what I thought, and he answered a question mark I've had in my head for a long time now. I've known that I don't have this "manic" side to me that people talk about so often - that can wreck their lives. I've never been able to relate, although I've always thought that I should be able to. I assumed, now I guess incorrectly, that I was "Bipolar 2". And I thought (isn't this correct?) being Bipolar 2 meant that you mainly had very severe depression, and a few symptoms of mania once or twice in your lifetime. I thought that Bipolar 1 was for those who had full blown manic episodes, along with depressive ones.

So now I don't have a label? There's no group for me? I can't relate to anyone? Am I "kind of" bipolar? "You might be bipolar so we're putting you on these meds, even though you don't meet all of the criteria" kind of bipolar? Where do I belong? So am I MILDLY bipolar? What does that even mean? I don't take my medication every day for mania. If I did, I would have stopped LONG AGO. I take it to keep me from killing myself. There. I said it. That's the only reason I am so militant about taking my medication every morning and every night. I know that if I don't, one day, I will end my life. And yes, I know the statistics on bipolars and suicide. I think there's a difference between "bipolar depression" and "unipolar depression" because I think I've had both. Bipolar depression is 1000% worse. I've read where the two types of people even LOOK different in their states of depression, act differently, take it to different lengths.

So I've really been basing my whole bipolar diagnosis on my depression, not my mania. And...he confirmed what I had been thinking all of this time. But then again, I AM on mood stabilizers, and since I AM (I guess? how else would you describe it?) mildly bipolar, they could REALLY be doing their job.

So, again, I'm sitting there....waiting while he sends my 200 prescriptions to my pharmacy on his computer, and I decide to tell him my Seroquel story.

ME: So remember last time you told me to start taking 300mg for depression instead of 100mg? Well, I only went up to 200, and I gained 11 pounds that month. I weaned myself down to 25mg of Seroquel, and then I quit.

He was still typing, not looking at me, but he got a small grin on his face when I said that, (this has been a HUGE battle between us for at least 3 years) and he said, as if I was reading him a suspense novel "go on..." (why did he think there was more to the story??)

ME: Well, I was in so much anxiety that it was physical pain, so I went back up to 50mg, and the anxiety went away. How long does that side effect last?

HIM: (a little too quickly) That wasn't a side effect of quitting Seroquel.

ME: What do you mean? That was ME?

HIM: That was ALL YOU. So you say you take 50mg now? Do you want a prescription for 50 instead of 100? I think 100mg is actually cheaper for some reason, if you don't mind cutting them in half. (That was a bit too quick to swing into the whole 'you're on board with Seroquel now' thing)

So I've resigned myself to taking Seroquel now. My doctor has ALWAYS thought it best, and I see now he's right. I've figured out how to take it at night so I don't eat anything after I take it. I remember that Seroquel was what "hit the spot" to get me out of the anxiety from my deep depression in 2001 and was my "saving grace", and who would know that better than him. I actually asked him what would I do if I didn't have access to Seroquel? He kind of laughed because it's been this huge thing between us on every one of my visits to see him. Yes, he gave me permission to stop taking it after I bitched for 3 years, but now I see he might have been teaching me a lesson. If so, it worked.

I went to pick up my prescriptions at the pharmacy after my visit, and HOLY CRAP! He gave me ELEVEN REFILLS! Eleven? I know when I left I asked him when I should come back and he said "I don't know - how about Christmas time unless you have a reason to come in?", but I could actually not go back and see him, if I didn't have an issue, until THIS TIME NEXT YEAR. Holy crap. He thinks I'm doing that well.

Am I? I didn't mention the eating issue because I've decided it's not really an issue anymore. Besides that, I don't have any issues that medication could fix. They've all been fixed.

I have good days, and I have really crappy days. I watch to make sure I don't feel like crap for longer than 2 weeks - hence my blog. If I'm depressed for longer than 2 weeks, you bet your ass I'm getting in to see him. And fast.

So I'm going to stop being so hypersensitive about my manic symptoms. What's never been there, well, what makes me think it will suddenly appear?

Home Sick

Well, I called in sick today to go to my psychiatrist. I have no idea when he can "squeeze" me in today, and he only works these weird hours - from 1:00 - 5:00 every day. I think he does research the rest of the day. I need all new 'scripts because the mail order company I was with on a different insurance plan won't transfer them to my pharmacy, I called him in a panic last night around 7:00p, and he said to call this morning to see about getting "worked in". With my boss sitting RIGHT THERE next to me, how could I have done all of this, and just made up an excuse to leave the office? Sure, I have my cell phone that I can go into the hall and use, but then how do I make an excuse to go and see him once I'm at work? The ironic part is that I REALLY AM sick, and my boss knows it. I was coughing and blowing my nose all day yesterday, and my boss finally offered to give me some medicine it was so bad. Missing work is not an option when you're sick to him, so I'm expecting a lot of phone calls from him today.

I thought about the whole appearance issue thing again. I think I took it to extremes yesterday. It was only a few days. Maybe it was just a coincidence that people were treating me differently, or I was looking to see if they were, and attributing it to that.

I decided I do have issues to tell my pdoc. My Seroquel wean off test and how I don't think ever going off of it will be an option, how it left me with severe anxiety, and....that's it. I think the whole eating issue will go away on its' own after reading everyone's wonderful comments, and besides, I'll use it to my advantage while I have it for now. So really, it should be a get in, and get out, and see you in six months type of appointment again.

I'll update with my visit once I'm back...HOPEFULLY they can work me in since I took a day off for it!!!

I Could Scream!

I really just could!

First of all, my BOSS! He has turned into a new person, and this is not good! I'm being told this will last until next Wednesday, max. He is being nice, well...nice for HIM. He let someone go last night around 5:00-ish (I just realized, that wasn't so nice, was it?), came back to his desk, and told me all the details about it. He then started telling me about how he was a Christian and it put things into persespective for him, like putting family and God first (oh really???). He was telling me how going to church on Sundays, even if it meant going straight from soccer practice in his jeans and flip flops helped him, and then asked me if *I* went to church. I told him about the debacle Mark and I have always been in because he grew up Catholic, myself Protestant, and trying to find a church that makes us both feel comfortable. He doesn't want to go to a Catholic church, but he's very uncomfortable with anything contemporary. I don't know why I let down my guard and told him this. He actually ASKED me if Mark and I wanted to go to church with him and his wife, go to Sunday school with them, and sit with them at church! What the hell? (Sorry, God!) He told me he was Baptist, nothing against Baptists - I know some good ones, please don't flame me :-) and since we live about 5 miles apart, his wife grew up Catholic and my boss grew up Protestant, he knew exactly how we felt. OH REALLY? He's now an expert in my personal life? So when I wouldn't commit, and just kept saying I'd ask Mark, he finally said "well, the invitation is always there..."

I told Mark about it after giving it some thought, thinking...hmmm...maybe it wouldn't be so bad to buddy up to your boss at church. I know, I know, wrong reason to go to church. I need to be going anyway. You know what Mark said? I guess I've been complaining about him a lot, because he said, without hesitation at ALL "Why would I want to go to a church where they sacrifice goats?" A day later, and I'm still wondering what I said that was THAT bad to make him joke about him being a satan worshipper?

So there's another new recruiter starting on Monday, and the first one, in my opinion, isn't doing so well. My boss HAS to know it. She calls someone about a job, and she obviously has a job description, and obviously she knows how to read a resume, and I hear her say "So how do you want me to market you?" WHAT? You're asking someone what they do and how to market them? Well then why did you call them in the first place? I hear her have these 30 minute conversations all day long, and not send out any resumes to companies. And I have to help her all the time with computer applications. I don't mind helping her - I actually like to train people on new things. But back to the new recruiter on Monday. We - my boss, the girl who started LAST Monday, and myself, all sit together in a "pod", so to speak. There's my boss, then two desks next to his, and one desk opposite of his, with little cubicle walls separating them. Except...I think he's removed the cubicle wall between myself and him. I'm very suspicious.

So he asks the new recruiter (sitting by him, just like I am) if she wouldn't mind moving her things to the desk OPPOSITE his. She just started last Monday! She knows NOTHING about technology, and I mean NOTHING. I actually heard her say to someone "I'm not trying to 'jew' you down". She asked him "well then how am I going to ask you questions?" and he said "oh...that's a very good question...", and I'm just sitting there thinking...duh...what recruiter in the company has sent out the most resumes this month? Me? So I said "why don't I move desks so that the new girl can sit here beside you." and he said "No no no...I'm still working with you! We're still working together!" making this hand gesture between he and I. So the new recruiter said "Well, I guess most of the time KansasSunflower answers my questions anyway..." and he said "yes, that's probably right!". What is his deal with me??? I now just totally ignore him. He's trying to be so nice, and when he compliments me, I just ignore it. He'll say "are you on the phone?" when I don't respond, and I'll look at him and say "no?". I was leaving for the day and he was telling me what a good day I had, and I just rolled my eyes and said it wasn't such a good day and as he was trying to argue, I walked out the door. Yes, I KNOW he's trying to be nice. But that doesn't make up for who he TRULY is. I don't want him to suck me in just to turn back into the same old person he was that I know he will.

I was trying to tell the new recruiter about his personality so she wouldn't be offended when he started in on her, and she said "what do you mean? Is he bipolar?". Now THAT offended ME, but of course I couldn't let her know that. I just let it go and dropped the subject.

Which reminds me, I'm done shopping, but I found an Ann Taylor's Loft within walking distance and bought a few items from there, and when I went there today, the new recruiter was going to finish browsing at a knick-knack store (her term) and meet me there so we could walk back together. She made a funny face when I said where I was going because I thought I'd bought a shirt I wanted but it never made it into the bag, but what's the big deal about meeting me at a clothing store? I didn't wait for her, but she just left and went back to the office and got something to eat, I guess. Maybe she feels uncomfortable going to a clothing store because her clothes are so out of date? (Gosh that sounds rude of me, and I do really like her, she's very sweet and wants to make friends, but I'm honestly not kidding here.)

Speaking of clothes...I've been trying to figure something out all day. Do people treat you differently because of how you actually look, or if you feel better about yourself, do people notice that and treat you differently? I've seen a remarkably different reaction around people lately, and all I've done is change clothes to ones that fit. But see, I may be holding my head a little higher, or have a bit more self confidence. *I* am not doing anything differently socially at all to attract attention. I'm NOT talking to people more than I usually would. I don't speak to people on elevators, I don't make eye contact with strangers when walking down hallways, things like that. I can't see how I could send out a different "vibe" to men, especially. They are honestly (I know, you're thinking I'm manic - I'm shopping, I'm delusional, maybe all the key elements are there...but it's really true, I can pinpoint examples) treating me differently. Guys, young and old, have actually been flirting, or at least, that's how I perceive it. Trying to strike up conversations for no apparent reason, in an embarrassed, flushed way, with uneasy smiles on their faces. It's bizarre. I have no desire to flirt back. It makes me very uncomfortable and uneasy and I try to figure out a way to be polite without giving them a hint that I'm interested, wondering at the same time...what the hell are they doing? Am I reading this right, but then again, why wasn't this happening last week? I'm flattered, but puzzled. What IS it that I'm doing differently? Is it the weather? A full moon? Even Mark is a bit different, but at least he'll TELL me what's on his mind. It was the way I looked. It sounds so arrogant for me to even be putting in my blog. I would hate me if I were reading my own blog.

If it IS true that appearance makes that big of a difference, then I'm scared. The difference in the way that people treat other people is a culture shock for me, and if someone were to let their appearance be all they weighed their self confidence on, one day, they would be truly depressed. Have I been doing that all this time? I know that I'm the extreme - I went from wearing the same clothes I did at 175.5 to what I weigh now (whatever that is - I still haven't weighed for the month) - all in one day. But I'm still the same person! I have the same personality, the same voice, the same hairstyle and color of hair, everything is the same except for the clothes that fit. And of course, they're more modern because I hadn't allowed myself to buy clothes until now.

I dunno - am I just overthinking this? I just want my life to go on the way it always has, and it makes me uncomfortable to be treated differently. I want to know WHY. But if the why is appearance, then it will just freak me out and upset me and send me over the edge. How will I not become a perfectionist then? Or have I already?

By a bizarre coincidence, I have to call in sick to work tomorrow because I have to see my psychiatrist. He has to write ALL new 'scripts for me because the mail order program I was using won't transfer them to my pharmacy, and that was 3 months worth! Maybe I'll mention SOMETHING to him, but what? That I'm having trouble adjusting to weight loss? Bless that poor man because I called him at 7:00p tonight blubbering about the mix up and how I had one day's left of meds and could he write new prescriptions for all 200 of my medications tomorrow? He said they would "work me in" tomorrow. I honestly just thought I could walk in, have him write out the prescriptions while I waited, and leave. But no, apparently he wants to see me, and I'm not due for another 3 months.

This gives me less than 24 hours to figure out any issues that I need to tell my psychiatrist that I've been having. I guess if I need to "figure out" any issues and they aren't obvious, maybe I don't have any at all?

I Agree...

I agree with the comments regarding my eating habits, and I thank the people that left them. I don't feel so guilty or self loathing anymore, or that I'm doing something wrong or something is wrong with me. It's actually a big relief to think I'm not such a freak, at least not now.

I'm sick again. A guy at work was very inconsiderate and brought his sick boys into the office last Friday, I think one had a fever, and now I have a sore throat. It sucks. I can't miss work - tomorrow we have a meeting that affects my work for the rest of the week until next Tuesday, and it's just not an option. Another guy at work started clearing his throat and coughing late in the afternoon and asked how I felt when I started getting sick, and realized...the kids made him sick, too.

I DID leave work for lunch today, though! I think I may have even been more productive because of it. AND I left at 5:00p, which normally is not an option for me because of my boss. I went to the Gap, and you can't even imagine how good it feels to put on a Size 8 pair of jeans and have them fit perfectly. Not too small, not too big, not too short, not too long, just right. I didn't go there to buy jeans - I went there to buy a plain white button up shirt, but we wear jeans on Fridays and I needed a new pair. I called Mark as soon as I got back to the office to inform him of my purchase, and he said I did pretty good money wise with what I bought. No, I'm not manic. There are about 8 stores on the way to the Gap that I didn't stop in - I went straight to where I was going, and straight back, and got what I was there for except for the jeans. I've needed a white button up shirt for about six months since the cleaners lost BOTH of mine. I have to keep myself in check with money since I know that's a bipolar manic trait, although I can't remember it ever being one of mine in the past.

Work was bizarre. A new girl started today, and it made my boss's behavior completely change - he was almost soft spoken, and we only got into one semi-altercation all day! Everyone kept saying she was "older" before I met her, so I was curious to see what they considered "older" to be. Was she my age? Did they consider ME to be older? How in the heck did I know? So I met her, and yes, maybe she is older and didn't really fit with the rest of the office, but she wasn't THAT OLD. I was thinking blue hair. I think it was more of a "hard look" she had - do you know what I mean? Some people, for whatever reason, just have a hard look about their faces. I know people say that faces show the kind of lives they've lived and that can show a "hard look", but then why don't I have a hard look to me? Of course, I'm only going on how other people describe me, because how in the world could I ever see that about myself? And her hair was different - it almost looked like she cut it and colored it herself, and her clothes seemed outdated, and...I was telling Mark about her (she seems really nice), and he said "don't you dare not be nice to her because she looks different than everyone else. Be nice to her." I never said I wasn't going to be! Everyone may like her more than me, how do I know? I don't even care! I wasn't even thinking be nice/don't be nice. I was just telling my story. It's nice to have someone newer than I am in the office, and I'll help her all I can. Mark thought I was going to be a snob to her, and said so. Have we not known each other for 9 years? I feel like I'm back in grade school when he talks to me. I don't go to high school anymore, I was just telling a story. I actually got mad and defensive about the whole thing.

Maybe I'm just grouchy because I feel like crap. Damn that guy that brought his sick kids into the office. I even told him we were getting sick because he brought his kids in that day (in a joking way - I've only been there for 5 or 6 weeks!). But wouldn't you be upset if you were sick because someone brought their sick kids into the office and now you feel like shit and can't miss work?

I just took 4 nighttime cold tablets, so hopefully they'll kick in and I'll feel better soon...

Why anyone would read this entry is beyond me, but if you're still here...thank you for bearing with me today...

Do You Like It?

Do you like the new look of my website? I was SO tired of the default blogger ugly one and thought this one suited me much better, and I feel so much happier in my new home! :-)

Well, Mark and I just got home from the mall, and I ACTUALLY had a good time!

So here is something that, NORMALLY, a person should never ever let a loved, known bipolar person do. I had my debit card, Mark and I went our separate ways with our cell phones, and he said to call him when I was done shopping so we could meet up. A bipolar person with a credit card knowing there are unlimited funds and as much time as I wanted at a brand new mall? Is that even safe? Is that even healthy? On a weekend?

I did just fine. After HOURS of shopping, I spent maybe $300, knowing HE had spent over $2000.00 a few weeks ago, and is planning on spending more. Makes you wonder who the true bipolar is around here, huh?

The most FANTASTIC thing happened! I found a cute skirt, and then went to grab a size. I had S, M and L to choose from. I naturally started for the large, and in my head, was thinking "God, I hope this fits...". But I stopped myself. I haven't been shopping in awhile, and I went for the Medium, and took a Medium blouse with it as well. I went to try it on, and was shocked! Not only did the medium fit, but there was room to spare! This is a huge deal for me. I'm 5'6, almost 5'7, and weighed 175.5 less than 2 years ago. The Medium blouse, fit, but not loose like the skirt. I wonder why my upper body hasn't kept up with my lower body. Is that normal? Do I look like a linebacker, or has my chest just not gone down yet? I also bought a pair of dress slacks, 2 pairs of dress shoes, a purse, and 10 pairs of underwear from VS. I'm the most excited about those, isn't that funny? All of this talk about buying clothes, and all I bought was a skirt, a pair of pants, a blouse, and panties in about 3 hours. I guess I won't be having this huge "wardrobe makeover" when I reach my goal weight. I suppose I should start now by buying one new outfit every weekend, because I just can't see myself finding so many things I like and that fit me just right all in one day to replace what I already have. Mark said the nicest thing, though, and didn't realize it. I tried my clothes on for him, and he said "you're back to the weight you were when we met". He had NO IDEA how big of a thing he said was. But of course, I said "I don't know...I still have 10 or 15 pounds to go still", and he said "that's what you said back then, too".

So...a good day at the mall. Who knew that even existed? But then the enemy creeped up. I was thirsty, and told Mark we should stop some place and grab a bite and I wanted some tea. It was about 4:00p, and we hadn't eaten since 10a and had been walking around all day. I was honestly hungry. We chose a restaurant, with him saying it was just a waste of money because I wouldn't eat, but I assured him I would. We sat down, I ordered a water and a Diet Coke (I was really thirsty), drank about 1/4 of each, and was stuffed. Isn't that bizarre? I said "I can't eat anymore - I'm completely full." He got a bit irritated, but not because I didn't eat. It was because it was a waste of money. So the food came, I took a few bites so he wouldn't be mad, and thought "why am I eating just to eat? I'm full, this is stupid..." so I stopped. The waitresses always come around and ask me "Was everything okay??" with a concerned look, and Mark, as always, covers for me. He says "she just ate", or "she just wasn't hungry". I never have to say anything. So I asked for a to-go box, packaged it up, and it's sitting on top of the to-go box from Friday night's meal. I always throw them away the next weekend when the new round starts.

Sure, losing weight is great and trying on clothes that actually FIT feels wonderful, but how am I going to stop now? I don't know any other way to live or eat. My stomach shrank or something. Either that, or something in my brain switched off or on that tells my stomach what to think. For now, I'm just going to let it go as it is because it's not hurting anything, it's actually helping, but at some point in time, I'm going to have to do something...and it's not going back to taking Seroquel and THEN eating dinner instead of going to bed right away, because that wasn't healthy, either.

And why is Mark not concerned? That bothers me a lot. I want to scream at him "there is something really wrong with me! Can't you tell? Why aren't you saying something or doing something???", but he is my biggest enabler. I can't tell my psychiatrist. Why? Because he might make me eat and gain weight. It's this circle of confusion and once I'm at my goal weight, then I'll start trying to figure out what to do - if there's anything that needs to be done at all.

It's really too early to worry about it right now. If I weighed 95 pounds, then there would be an issue. But I don't. I don't know what I weigh, but I will soon enough. I'm guessing it's in the upper 120's, so that's completely normal. If I walked into my pdoc's office and weighed 95 pounds, would he even say anything to me? Or does no one really care? I feel like I'm screaming at the top of my lungs for help, and no one is hearing me. No, not to my doctor, because I don't want his help. But Mark watches me every day, he covers for me all of the time, why is that? Is it because I'm such a fat ass and he wants a thin woman by his side that desperately? Or he really just thinks this is normal? I don't know. Maybe he's normal, and I'm freaking out over nothing. Maybe *I* am finally normal, and he's acting appropriately.

This is just too confusing. I need to stop obsessing about food and just let it go already. I know I've said that in previous entries, but I really mean it each and every time.

Email's Back Up and... won't believe what I'm about to say. I feel kind of thin. Gosh, I hate even blogging about this knowing that my bipolar friends are struggling with weight gain, and how depressing it is for me when I try new meds and have meds that are weight gainers. But the thing is, I DO take weight gainers, it's just taken me until now to figure out this rigid process of taking them so I don't pig out. It's really out of control what I have to do to make sure I don't pig out.

These last few weeks of no Seroquel binges and eating just an egg McMuffin and proten bar for dinner have made a big difference, I can tell. Normally, I would do this anyway, but the Seroquel binges would ruin all of my hard work. Not this month. I wonder how much weight I've lost? I can't weigh myself until after my period, once a month is all I allow myself to weigh, and that's not for at least one more week. Even Mark commented on it yesterday, and Mark NEVER comments on my weight. He says he gets in trouble no matter what he says. If he says I look thinner, I say "so I looked fat before??" But he said I looked thinner in my upper leg area and my bottom, and then later, I noticed it too, and in my tummy. Not that I'm obsessed or anything.

I had a dream last night that I was a news girl or something, I don't know, and I had a mental breakdown. Paramedics came and ran tests on me, and can you believe they actually had printouts of what was wrong with me mentally? Everything seemed normal, except anxiety/panic and anorexia/bulimia was off the charts. The biggest issue was anorexia. But...I woke up starving, so that was probably why.

I need to take my ring in to get it sized (can you size platinum, or do they have to melt it down and resize it that way?), because it keeps falling off of my finger and I'm going to end up flushing it down the toilet or something, and I'm thinking...if I wait much longer to buy a whole new wardrobe, it will be in between seasons (it doesn't get cold here until the end of October), and I won't have anything to buy. If I buy NOW, I can buy all summer stuff, and get it on sale, wearing it through now, August and September at least. Then October, I can buy new stuff again. I "could" wait until I weigh myself again next week, but another week of wearing those huge baggy clothes again just makes me depressed. They are really WAY TOO BIG - I mean, noticeably huge.

I know, what a good problem to have, right? Except buying clothes is a HUGE DEPRESSING thing for me. No matter what I weigh, I get depressed. I look fat in everything, even when I weighed 115. I have a feeling I'm getting close to 125, but I don't know because I can't WEIGH MYSELF!

Instead of buying a bunch of things, like a whole new summer wardrobe, maybe I'll just buy a few things, and save buying a new wardrobe for when I really get to weigh and when I reach my goal. Just enough to get me through a week to mix with what I already have. This requires me to get Mark to go with me, or maybe I should go alone?

Bush Bloody Sunday

This is REALLY cool!

I KNOW what you guys are think I'm getting "all bipolared out" with politics again, but I'm REALLY NOT, I promise. I saw this on a site yesterday, www.stringierthanthetruth.?.com, and I HAD to have it, and wrote the owner, who told me where he got it.

Even my poor, beaten down conservative fiance couldn't take his eyes off the video, and had a smile on his face, but at the same time, said it wasn't that funny, it was kind of scary. Yeah, it is, and it is. It's not just "Sunday, Bloody Sunday" - someone went to a LOT of work. Even for die-hard conservatives, this is worth a watch. It's fascinating, and not in a "gotcha" liberal way!

I never even watch video on people's sites usually (I'm such a bad site reader, I know...) but Bush's face intrigued me, even though I knew I was entering dangerous territory, not knowing what I was getting myself into...

It's really cool! Lemme know what you think! I wish I had such talent...and time!


Since earlier this morning, I haven't been able to access my email account - for some weird reason, yahoo will let me access one account, but not this account.

So there are email addresses, emails, etc., that I don't have access to, and don't know when I will again. I am TRYING to send an email to someone, but I can't because I don't have your email address. It's in my email box/addresses! And if anyone sent me anything, I'm so sorry, I have no idea!

Hopefully it will be resolved within the next day or so. If not, guess I'll have to create a new email address? (shrug)

It's Saturday...

...and once again, I'm sitting here thinking, what is there to do? I feel like a child in the summer bored with nothing to do, yet there a ton of things I could be doing if I wanted to do them. I don't need to clean the house, the maid service just did that on Thursday. The lawn service weeded the garden on Tuesday. Yes, I realize Mark and I seem very lazy, but we don't like to do these things at all and we don't do them well (in my case, I don't do them at all).

Yet, I feel anxious. I don't know why. It's almost as if I wait all week for the weekend to get here, and once it's here, I what? I just read through my blog entries from February, and found myself crying, sitting Indian style on the couch, with huge tears running down my face, not even caring to wipe them away. Mark asked me "NOW what's wrong?" in his irritated way. Then he saw I was reading my blog, and made some comment about how his friends say their "wives won't stop talking about their lives, but you won't stop reading about yours". He can be quite spiteful sometimes, and I have no idea why. When I need him to be there for me, he is there a million times over, and I can always count on him, I know he loves me more than anything else in the whole wide world, but at times he acts like he has no patience with me. But right now, what am I doing that requires patience? I'm just sitting on the couch all by myself with my laptop and the television off. I just asked him if I could watch his videos of Cody (we've never watched them before, he spent hours and hours and hours recording Cody on his new videocamera I gave him last year for his birthday - we both thought we had him on "borrowed time" after the first time he almost died), and he said no. We've NEVER watched them, he always fervently refuses to watch them or even let me watch them by myself, and Cody died 5 months ago on July 13. Wow. February 13th will never be the same for me. But anyway, these video...uhmm..discs? have never been viewed, EVER. He finally said..."okay, you can watch them, but I won't be here while you do." He got the camera out, put the battery in, started to show me how to use it, and then it hit me what I was about to watch. I told him "no, I can't do this, put it away..." and tears started falling down my cheeks, and he said "see? this is why I can't watch it now You'll be doing this the whole time." But I know it's more than just me falling apart and crying. It's him, too. The things he loved the most in the world were me and Cody. We were his family. And then he lost one of us. He never lets it show, but he hasn't recovered yet, either. He's very militant and protective over those videos. When I was crying (again) he said "you're so INTENSE today! Why do you get like this?" I honestly do not know. Why DO I cry about my dog that died over 5 months ago? I really can't explain that. People don't normally do that, right? They just think a dog is a dog, right? Cody loved only Mark and I - he didn't trust anyone else, he would have protected us to his death. He was so loyal, how can I ever forget something like that? But back to Mark and Cody's death - I can's still a big deal. He actually said yesterday "the hardest part are those songs on the radio"...and I said..."yeah, I know what you mean...". That's what I've been trying to say for all of this time, even in my blog! I told him that eventually all of those songs would go away. He said "no they won't, I still hear 'Plush' on the radio". Yeah, he has a good point...I just need to stop crying today! Cody was a DOG! It's that I've started, I can't stop! I just want to lay in bed and cry. And I'm typing this part of the entry AFTER I've typed the rest of it, so it probably seems like two different moods. I don't want to increase my Seroquel again, though, as an anti-depressant. This is just ONE DAY, and I can cry for one day, so what. I'll be fine, just give me an hour. Everyone grieves differently. I shouldn't have read those blog entries from February...I was fine until then....I know I've been so lyrics-oriented, but as Nirvana (Kurt Cobain) would say in "Lithium" ..."I miss you...I'm not gonna crack", or should it be, once again from Nirvana "and I swear that I don't have a gun...".

Work took a strange twist on Friday. A girl who is pregnant had a talk with my boss about a list of things because she needed to start her maternity leave, and one of the things on her list was the way he treated me, and her perception that I was sensitive and probably wouldn't stand up for myself and would end up quitting instead. She tells me this AFTER she had done it. After the talk, I didn't really see him, but not because of that, I'm sure, but probably because she started her maternity leave and he just loves her. He must have come back to his desk, but then quietly snuck away and left for the rest of the day. How bizarre. Since I have no idea what she said or what he now thinks of me, I have no idea how to react. Before that happened, a bunch of us figured out our birthdays are all in August. My boss happened to mention the day of my birthday, and the day of another recruiter's birthday. A girl said "how convenient that you just happen to remember the birthdays of your favorites but not mine". I'm his favorite? I am? Since when? Where did this misperception come from? Then again, I hear him talk about his least favorites, and maybe it's true, he talks really bad about people behind their backs. I just assumed he did it about me, too.

Mark is starting to feel a bit better about his place in the world this week. He was always talking about how he didn't get a chance to "network" to find a new Director level job after he lost his job. But now...a strange thing is occurring. He's working as a Consultant for a large firm, and people he has known throughout the years have been calling him - he gets about 4 calls a month - to do independent consulting. I've always said he has a natural gift with technology. It just comes so easily to him, I've never seen anything like it, and I've worked at many technology companies, and I've worked WITH him, and seen him alongside his peers, and have viewed other's opinions of his abilities as well. When people throw their hands up and don't know what to do and are completely lost, tactictly, strategically, or hand-on, even regardless of the technology or where they are in the nation, they call him. Wait, they wouldn't call him about SAP. He would be CLUE-LESS. But this is not a biased opinion here. He was asked to be a speaker at a certain large technology's conference, when he used to use that technology - he hates it now - 3 years in a row. It was funny to go pick him up at the airport and watch men walk up to him and introduce him to their wives. I'd get mad and say "are you embarrassed of me? Why didn't you introduce me??" and he'd say "I had no idea who that was. He was probably in one of my sessions. Think of it as being at a Star Trek convention and being Spock", and he rolled his eyes. That's always made me laugh. He's always turned being an Independent Consultant down, until the company he used to own (long long story) called and asked him to help, and he couldn't turn them down for personal reasons. Because of the hourly amount he's now making on a part time basis as an Independent Consultant, he's now having conference calls with the other people that have been calling him to do the same thing. He's not ready to give up an 8-5 job, though, for something that would be sporadic. These companies that know who he is are more than willing to pay him hourly wages that are insane, but he might be required to travel. He's creating his own company name to work corp-to-corp for tax reasons, which I chose the ingenious name. I mean really, if you can't even come up with a good, sensible, yet creative name for something, when is this friggin' disease going to come in handy??? It's good for us as a couple financially -but sickening for me as an employee. He he will be making twice as much for 40 hours of work than I do in an entire month working full time, 50 hours a week. I said "now I can quit my job!", but he got a look on his face like...don't you dare think about it. I know what he thinks - he thinks because of my disease I'm a disaster if I don't work. And he's right. All I have to do is go back in my blog, see how bored I get, see how unhappy I am without a job, and it won't convince me right this second that it won't be different this time, but even my psychiatrist has told me I should be working.

He just can't travel though. I mean, if he wants to, I won't stop him. But I don't do well when he's not here. I may have already mentioned this, but he kind of takes care of me. Even if he doesn't, I have that perception, or I have a sense of security knowing he's there if I need to be taken care of, and it's a very comfortable thought. If I oversleep for 15 minutes, he kicks me out of bed and I'm not late for work. Things like that. He keeps me in line. He takes care of our money and pays our bills. I just spend money and withdraw money to keep enough money in my wallet in case I have an accident and need my car towed or something, like he always tells me I should do. I KNOW I can take care of myself, but I can't do it as well without him. What if I fell apart?

One More Thing..

Mark said I might as well go ahead and start looking for another job because I'm going to quit this one. I told him I'm not, I'm in no mood to quit this job, but he says I won't be able to take this from my boss every day, and he doesn't want to see me out of work for another month.

Very briefly, and I'm only recording this to see if I'm getting manic, or if it's situational. I gave a resume to my boss - the lady wanted $95k yearly, but he said the job would only pay $85k. I showed him her resume, and he threw it back on my desk and said "I'm sure she has an education but it's not on her resume. Besides, she needs to stay home and take care of her kids." What? Who said she had kids? I don't know that she does, so how could he? And even if she did, what business is it of his who takes care of her kids? Why is it a woman's place to stay home and take care of their children? Are we to stay barefoot and pregnant?

And then...I was working on a Director of IT position, and he sits right beside me, so he must have heard me recruiting for it. He THEN told someone else to start recruiting for it. It really pissed me off, so I called Mark and told me to give me a name, which he did. I called him, he said he'd like the job and would send his resume, and I reported to my boss that was the easiest job I'd ever had to fill. I could tell he was pissed. I just said "All I had to do was call Mark and he gave me a name".

If someone has an accent, what does it matter where they originate from? Not only does he ask, but he doesn't ask in a polite way. He could at LEAST say "What nationality are you?", which I still think is inappropriate. Instead, he says "What ARE you?".

I'm only recording this to see if I'm getting manic - to see if this is situational, or if I truly have reasons that this is pissing me off.

He had the nerve, when everyone was away from lunch, to ask me how I liked it there and if I was happy. I, of course, said yes, and asked how I was doing. He said I was doing great, I said I liked my job. What am I going to say? He drives me insane because he has no couth? He's not going to change personalities. He told another girl to work on a job, I said I wanted to work on that job, he said no, not to work on it, but I am supposed to work on anything I want. He is really pissing me off.

Maybe Mark is right. Maybe I should go ahead and look for another job. It's always me and jobs that are a big problem.

Is it me? Am I manic? Is it my boss? Is he a lunatic? Everyone in the office thinks he's off his rocker, and if they say if they had to sit where I sit, they would outright quit. Well, this is the situation I am in. I have no choice but to put up with it. There are worse jobs out there, I know it. I just came from one of them. I can tough this out. I'm just going to start working on whatever I want, and screw him and the horse he rode in on. Eventually he'll see I'm making deals with other Account Managers and not him because he makes me recruit for only SAP on his deals.

Sorry to go on and on about work, but how do you work for a crazy man who happens to be your boss and sits two feet away from you?

Thanks Ya'll...

...I'm better. I woke up and my stomach was back to normal. I don't know what happened, if it was a virus or what, but no...I couldn't stay home from work. I have this crazy boss. Get what he did was the first day I thought that I really disliked him.

With SAP, we work with a lot of foreigners. I would venture to guess that more than half of the people in SAP that we work with are foreign - from India mainly, but also from Pakistan, etc. I'm learning to understand their foreign accents better and better each day. It's something I'm working on, but at the same time, I try not to be so hard on myself and remember that they are probably used to people asking them to repeat themselves. My BOSS who sits right frickin' next to me was talking to a client and was trying to "sell" a candidate for a job. I think he's totally delusional. He actually said this:

"He speaks just like you and me, and doesn't have a name like "MumboJumbo" (you get the idea - he tried to say a foreign name) and he doesn't speak like "labablalbalbah" (he tried to pretend like he was speaking some Indian language)". I then hear him say, very quickly, after the conversation had already been about 20 minutes long "Oh, you have to go? Okay, we'll talk later then..." and the conversation was cut short on the other end. I was sitting there thinking you IDIOT! You just insulted her staff, and maybe even her, too! Just because someone doesn't have an accent doesn't mean they're not from another country, or that their parents aren't, or you get the idea!

So then I had a resume of a great person, and showed it to the Account Manager who is the strictest in the office to accept your candidate for one of his jobs. He doesn't even look at the resume without flipping to the back and making sure they have a degree first. (I know, like that means something when you haven't even looked at their experience?) So he decided to submit my guy for his job. I then took the resume to my boss for his job, too - the EXACT same requirements for the job. He looked at it, and started shaking his head and saying "No, no - he'll never work because..." and I kept arguing that he was wrong in what he was saying because....he really WAS wrong! I know I shouldn't argue, and other recruiters approach him very timidly because of his demeanor, but I'm used to it. Finally he said "Okay, I'll submit him if you want me to, but - " and I just stopped him and said "No, that's fine. Don't submit him." and sat down at my desk in a huff. It ALMOST came out of my mouth, but thank God I stopped it...I ALMOST said "Well Account Manager XYZ is submitting him for Job X anyway...", and then I realized Account Manager XYZ would just get a call from my boss and get bitched out. I know this, because I sit by him and he calls the Account Managers, puts his hand over the phone AS IF I can't hear every word he's saying, and gripes them out. That's just on the phone - he'll do that to any of us at his desk in person, too. It just so happens that I sit right next to him, so phone griping to me is not necessary. I get it in person on a minute-by-minute basis. I watched 3 other recruiters after me bring him resumes for HIS STUPID JOBS and get much worse treatment than I got. Maybe you have to stand up to him for him to back down a bit. They were just timid and said a lot of "uh-huhs" while he took his infamous red pen and circled things on their resumes why they'd be poor fits, telling them questions they should have asked, and they just listened, standing beside him acting like they were paying attention to every word. I wanted to say to them "STOP IT! He's a LUNATIC! You don't sit here and see what he does all day every day to people!" At the end of the day, I told him I had to go home early (it was 6 a friggin clock!) because I told a candidate I would call him from home at 7:30 tonight. He told me "that's why you should never tell someone EXACTLY what time you will call them. I always say around or about..." I told him I didn't, because that way I'm "locking them in" on my call on a specific day at a specific time. They know to expect me. He just cleared his throat and said "yeah, well, maybe that works too." I mean really, if it were me, I would want a recruiter to tell me WHAT TIME they were going to call me, not "around 4", and have me waiting from 3:45 to 4:30 for them to call me. It's just common sense and common courtesy to me, and good business. UPDATE: I just called my candidate for a Sr. Level ABAP position where he'd have to relo to Tucsan, and he said he'd do it! And of course, I called at 7:30 on the nose, and he picked up right away because he was expecting my call! AND, he asked for a salary that we can actually pay him! Let's see if he actually sends me his resume now...and I told you my boss was an idiot.

Anyways, my boss. Most of the other recruiters don't sit by him day in and day out, they sit in other rooms, so they don't understand. I've heard him say twice now, with his head lowered down towards the floor, as if the carpet soaks up sound or something, "I need to hire some lowly recruiters that I can mold...". As if I can't hear every word that he's saying? "Some Lowly Recruiters"? And he talks about everyone in the office when they leave. I don't mean that in a good way. AND, he saves his leftovers from lunch and tries to GIVE THEM AWAY after 6:00. Today he opened up the container, and it was a leftover burrito he was sticking in everyone's nose from lunch, and I thought I was going to barf. It stunk up the whole room. Who would eat something he had already eaten? I was just glad he hadn't had had FISH today. Yes, you read that right. He has gone around the room with half-eaten entrées of fish trying to give it away.

And THEN he'll call another Account Manager that I can just poke my head around my computer, say his name in a normal speaking voice, and he hears me, looks up, and we'll have a conversation. But my boss will call HIM on the phone (remember, he sits RIGHT NEXT TO ME), use his "no one can hear me" tactics, and then I can hear the entire conversation from both sides. I'll hear my boss say to him "So what do you think about....??" and the Account Manager will say "Uh -huh, yeah, sounds okay, whatever you think...". Why doesn't he just look at him and talk to him? Why does he have to call him and mumble into the phone as if no one knows who he is talking to and what he is saying?

He is slowly driving me insane. As each day passes, it is so ridiculous, that sometimes I just bust out laughing at him because its absurd. And then I have to sit there and think of a reason why I just laughed out loud for no apparent reason in case he asks, which he never does because...he's a lunatic. I'll sit there and concentrate on my breathing, thinking if I keep my mind on my breathing, it will block out my thoughts and he won't see my lips quiver because I can't even keep from smiling. But you see, it's not a GOOD smile. It's an "oh my God, this guy is so F'ed up" smile that is TRYING not to become whole hearted laughter AT him.

They say that people who sit in my desk never last longer than a few weeks or months. Let's see how long I stick it out. I don't plan on going anywhere, but he's making me crazy. And I REALLY feel bad for the recruiters that approach him so timidly and shyly - their voices so hushed, and I can tell they are really intimidated by him. I was too, and sometimes I still am, I mean, he IS my boss.

Do you think my medication needs to be changed????


I feel sick and I just can't post until I'm better. I don't know if it's the fast food I ate on Sunday morning, the two harsh laxatives I took Sunday afternoon, or if I have some kind of stomach bug. For the first time, I ate lunch both yesterday and today I was feeling so sick. Granted, only a yogurt covered granola bar to see if it would settle my stomach, but it's not going away.

Stay tuned...hopefully I'll be back soon....

My Sister's Marriage... over. I have no idea how old she is, early 20's, I would say, and she just got married maybe 3 years ago. It's amazing to think my sister met someone, got married and divorced and now has a loft on her own in downtown Denver during the entire time Mark and I have been together, and we're not even married!!! I was supposed to be a bridesmaid, you know. Only, I "ruined her wedding" because I didn't order my bridesmaid's dress (I didn't want to order a size 400 and procrastinated) and got a polite email from her saying "I think it's really fucked up to ruin someone's wedding". By the way, those aren't the original bridesmaids dresses she picked out, so I guess I did ruin her wedding. After the time had allotted to where she could no longer have the dresses she wanted, she called and told me to just pick out any dress of a certain color I wanted, and wear that and she would be happy. But I couldn't even do that. See how vain I am? I've always felt incredibly guilty, and I had always thought I wanted her in my wedding party, too. I sent an email back saying "I'm sorry you feel that way, I won't be attending then." I'm a horrible person, I know - I KNOW!!! When I don't want to do something, and I've said this before, I just don't do it. I don't make excuses, I just don't go or do it for absolutely for no reason that I give, unless I HAVE to give one, like calling in to work. If I weighed what I do now, (minus the binge I just had), I would have done it. We were never close, so don't feel bad. I don't even know what happened to make them break up. I just know my Dad told me they were "splitsville" in his words (he's so like me) and I haven't asked questions because it doesn't seem like it's my place when I never ask him about her to begin with. Besides, it must have been trivial or he wouldn't have been so flippant about it. They could have simply been too young to get married. At least, I hope that's all it was.

I know, now you're wondering..."Does KansasSunflower look like her sister?". She's my half sister, never know....this is my private bipolar blog, and it's not like I can post a picture of myself, right? I don't see it, but in Mark's words "I can see similar qualities - it's not like you're twins or anything, but I can tell you're sisters". I don't see any resemblance at ALL. That's about as close as I can come, and I pray my family doesn't find this blog, now. I don't think my sister gets on the internet very much. She just got an email address maybe 5 or 6 years ago. I've had my email address (my original email address) for more than 10 years! How long has yahoo had mail features? Probably about that long. My email address is older than the term "the internet superhighway". :-) And no, Gore did not "create" the internet, he coined the term "the internet superhighway". Get it straight. :-) He was right, you one believed him at the time, just like no one believes him about the environment right now, not that I like Al Gore or anything (why does every one of my posts get political all of a sudden???).

Call Me Crazy But...

...after just now binge eating (see previous post), my chin feels like it's bigger, like I have a double chin. In my head, part of it knows it hasn't even had a chance to completely digest yet, right? So why do I feel like the fat is already piling up on my body? I feel like my stomach is pooching out (now that may not be an exaggeration), it's overflowing on the sides of my shorts, my thighs are bigger, and my cheeks are fatter.

Why do I go to extremes? (Billy Joel, PERFECT Bipolar Song)

Sorry, I can't help it, but I have to do it, because, well, it is my blog and these words are so true about being a bipolar...don't you think Billy Joel was bipolar by reading his words?

Billy Joel -
I Go To Extremes

Call me a joker, call me a fool
Right at this moment I'm totally cool
Clear as a crystal, sharp as a knife
I feel like I'm in the prime of my life
Sometimes it feels like I'm going too fast
I don't know how long this feeling will last
Maybe it's only tonight

I don't know why I go to extremes
Too high or too low there ain't no in betweens
And if I stand or I fall
It's all or nothing at all
I don't know why I go to extremes

Sometimes I'm tired, sometimes I'm shot
Sometimes I don't know how much more I've got
Maybe I'm headed over the hill
Maybe I've set myself up for the kill
Tell me how much do you think you can take
Until the heart in you is starting to break?
Sometimes it feels like it will

Out of the darkness, into the light
Leaving the scene of the crime
Either I'm wrong or I'm perfectly right every time
Sometimes I lie awake, night after night
Coming apart at the seams
Eager to please, ready to fight
Why do I go to extremess?

I don't know why I go to extremes
Too high or too low there ain't no in betweens
And if I stand or fallIt's all or nothing at all
I don't know why I go to extremes

You can be sure when I'm gone
I won't be out there too long
Darling I don't know why I go to extremes

Sorry, just always thought it was the perfect bipolar song...I really think Billy Joel proves he is bipolar by writing that song...

Binge Eating

I don't know what happened. I had my Adderall, I took my Zonegran last night, I even took a Phentermine, and then I had my Egg McMuffin. I was still hungry, so I had a protein bar. I wasn't really hungry, but I then I had two taco burgers with tomatoes and cheese from a fast food place. Maybe I just got tired of feeling hungry all the time? All I know is that I feel so full I'm almost miserable. I don't know why I just did that. I wish I was someone who could stick my finger down my throat and make myself throw up, but I am NOT that kind of person. That's disgusting (for me to do).

I don't know why I just went on a binge. It wasn't because of medication, its not nighttime, but it's only 11:30 in the morning, and I've already eaten way more than I normally eat in an entire day. This will probably make me full for the rest of the day and on through the night. Except last night, I did a little bit of binge eating, too. This is so bizarre.

I'm not taking any more Seroquel than I was, what is wrong with me? I thought I had such control over my eating habits. Now that I've taken care of feeling like I'm hungry all of the time, maybe I can go back to my normal routine.

At least I hope so. I feel sick.

Trip Back in Time....

A friend mentioned she was listening to Billy Joel, and it made me want to listen to my old Billy Joel Greatest Hits CD's, but I couldn't find it. Instead, I found about 10 CD's that looked blank - no writing on them or anything. I remembered then that I used to burn mixed CD's, and play them for weeks at a time - the same songs over and over. I didn't realize until just today, as I'm going through each CD, that I was capturing the mood I was in at the time.

One CD is the "perfect" CD. At least for me, right at this very moment. It's as if I made this CD for myself today. I have no idea when I made it, but it has all the great songs on it (to me, I'm showing my age here) - Counting Crows, Pearl Jam, Goo Goo Dolls, Blind Melon, Train, Stone Temple Pilots, Oasis, Jimmy Eats World, Billy Joel, Poison, Jewel, O-Town (haha), and Howard Jones. I can't believe at one time in my life, I made the PERFECT CD, and I still think so, years later. Unbelievable. This CD is never leaving my sight. Why I ever threw it in a box to begin with, I have no idea. One part of the Pearl Jam song still haunts me to this day, as if it were a real conversation I would and probably could have with my mother..."Is there something wrong? she said. "Of course there is." "You're still alive..." she said. "Do I deserve to be?" Is that the question? And if so, who answers? Who answers??? (shrug) Guess you had to be there.

The CD I'm listening to right now is making Mark roll his eyes because I've cranked my laptop's volume up. It's my "political CD", so to speak, (one of the songs Mark has called through the years, as the dork that he is, my "Democrat Song" I love him dearly, but honestly, he really IS a dork). I'm shocked each CD has a theme. I honestly did not realize it when I made each one.

So far, on the CD I'm listening to, has been "That's Just the Way It Is" by Bruce Hornsby, "Pink Houses" by John Mellencamp, "Don't Stop Thinking about Tomorrow" by Fleetwood Mac (no, I'm not that old, and I hate Fleetwood Mac, but it was Clinton's campaign song) "Independence Day" by Martina McBride, "Silent All These Years" by Tori Amos, "Sunny Came Home" by Shawn Colvin, and "Something to Believe In" by Poison, among others. NONE of these songs were popular at the time when I made the CD. They're not even in the same GENRE! All of them weren't even put out in the same DECADE! Yet...somehow I put them all together in my mind and thought they were worthy to put on a CD to listen to in some specific order I laid them out.

I know that no one is going to know all of these songs, but these songs on THIS particular CD have something to SAY. They're all about standing up for yourself and making change in a big way, or maybe....why are things the way they are, and should they be that way? Some in a not so nice way, but I forgot how strong my convictions used to be.

I used to have stars in my eyes, I used to believe the government really COULD make a difference. I take that back. I still believe that. I believed that those in charge WANTED to make a difference in this country - in a good way, for everyone. That's why they went into office - for good intentions. And I found out I was ignorant, stupid, and wrong. I mean, of course I was, and I'm not saying that because of our current president. I'm saying that because some people love power, some people love recognition, some people love to be adored. Maybe most of those that go into an elected office don't do so to make the world a better place. I'm not trying to draw a line in the sand here, I'm trying to explain how I feel. I mean, I believed that there were leaders who truly wanted to CHANGE the country in a JFK or FDR way. Why become a leader if you don't want to make things better? If you try to keep "status quo"? What the hell is that? I believed, ignorantly, that the belief system in the country would always push forward, never back. So then the country started to take a turn I didn't agree with, and I rebelled, thus creating this CD, I'm sure. I have quite a bit of passion. My therapist has tried to teach me how to do things in just an "okay" way - not with every fiber of my being. I either do them 100%, or I don't bother at all. And when I give something 100% and don't get the results I expect, my whole world comes tumbling down. She says it's very typical for a bipolar. And for a perfectionist, although Mark laughs that I would even be considered a perfectionist because I'm such a mess around the house. But like she said - either I do it 100%, or I don't even bother. And with the house, I don't even bother.

These CD's are almost better than a picture book, because although I'm not getting photos of what something LOOKED like 5 or 6 or 8 years ago, I'm getting the spirit and the feelings that I had at one time. That's hard to capture in a picture. You can kind of remember what you were thinking in a picture, but FEELING? Songs can make you remember what you FELT, but not a photo as much. And when I made these CD's, I had no clue the songs I strung together made any sense at all, but as I listen to each one, each song is alike in some way to all of the other songs on the CD.

So bizarre. Here I thought I was making "mixed" CD's, when all I really was doing was capturing a mood and a place in time.

Very interesting, indeed.


So I did a quick search, and found out that one of the side effects of Zonegran COULD be....anorexia. No, I'm not anorexic, I eat at least 800-900 calories every day, but was really surprised by this. Loss of appetite is one thing, anorexia is a completely different beast. Even on their website, 13% of the controlled group developed anorexia:

In this study, 3% of the controlled group stopped taking Zonegran because of anorexia:

In this report, a common adverse side effect was anorexia:

"Zonegran has a well-established safety profile. In clinical trials, the most commonly reported adverse events were somnolence, dizziness, anorexia, headache, nausea and agitation / irritability. " obsession with weight and how many calories I take in may be medication induced. Yes, loss of appetite is very common, but anorexia? Geez. I told Mark this, and he said "So NOW you think you're anorexic? You always eat around me" and walked up the stairs to take a shower. I told him yes, he sees me eat a protein bar and sometimes a Lean Cuisine for dinner, but I take in about 800-900 calories each day. He kept walking off. Does he think I'm a hypochondriac? It takes a lot of courage to tell him something like this - when I really don't want anything to change. This really makes me question that I have a problem with eating. Someone so close to me thinks I'm being ridiculous. I know people mean well when they comment on my eating habits, but if he doesn't think I have a problem, and he sees me eat everyday, then I must not. He actually COVERS for me when other people say things about my weight or about not eating a meal. He says "she just made a lifestyle change" when people ask me if I'm dieting. I don't have to say anything at all. He'll make up some excuse if I'm not eating at his family's house and someone questions it. I just wish he was there at work when people gripe at me for not eating lunch and ask me if "I'm on meth". Does he think I'm fat and wants me to lose all of this weight? I'm not THAT fat anymore. As a matter of fact, I only weigh myself every month, but I can tell that I've already taken off the 2.5 pounds I had left of the 11.5 pounds I gained in one month, plus a few extra. It's possible I could be at 129 or so now. Once I hit 125.5, that will be 50 pounds I've lost. That's really not so much considering the amount of time it's taken me to lose it, but the pigfests kept me from losing it much quicker. No more pigfests = weight loss city.

Sorry to go on and on about weight, but it really does occupy my mind most of the time every day. I'll post more later...

I'm Okay!

I was okay today! And trust me, I've learned over the years, "being okay" is so much more than just "being okay" sounds. People take it for granted. I don't.

I took my nighttime meds pretty early last night, and 50mg of Seroquel as I was heading up the stairs for bed. I now see I can go to sleep without Mark being there. I HAVE noticed, since cutting back on the Seroquel and not being drugged out of my mind, that Mark has a HORRIBLE snoring problem. He wakes me up every single night at about 1:00 - 2:00am. I'm not even nice about it anymore when I shake him and say "Mark! You're snoring!", and he snorts and says "Uh? Wha?", then "sorry" and rolls over. If I'm lucky, he'll stop snoring for the rest of the night. If I'm not lucky, I won't even get a chance to fall back asleep before he starts snoring again. That's when I get really irritated and shove him harder. "Mark - STOP IT! You're SNORING!" I've TOLD him he snores, and you know what his answer is? "I don't know what you expect me to do about it." I said - "go to the doctor, get surgery or something." (And this, coming from ME, knowing all of the malpractice lawsuits from when I was a physician recruiter) I said - "well, I guess we'll have to sleep in seperate beds then", and his reply? "So that's the kind of relationship you want now?" So what am I supposed to do? Choose my relationship over no sleep because of HIS problem? Buy earplugs? I'm very paranoid about putting things like that in my ears and it causing earwax blockage and not being able to hear when taking them out.

So the 50mg of Seroquel seems to do the trick for anxiety - and taking it as I'm walking up the stairs to bed seems to have fixed the problem for binge eating after taking it. I didn't take ANY Klonipin today at work - that's a first for awhile now, and I only took one with my nighttime meds instead of two or three (since I don't use Seroquel to knock me out anymore).

Work is just plain weird. I told my boss he owed me $15 for sending him a resume when I came in on a Saturday and he said anyone who sent him a resume for one of his jobs would get $15 per resume. He said "did we send it to the client?" I said..."no, he wouldn't come down on his salary". He then said "Well, then I don't owe you $15. If I did that, then people would be sending me all kinds of resumes". I said "but I'm not like that. I meant to send you a resume that fit the job, you liked the guy as well as I did and you wanted to send him, but it was the salary.". So he said "Ok, let's compromise. How about I buy you lunch?" I'm not stupid. He can write off his lunches on his taxes. Besides, that's a whole panic issue. That would require me to eat lunch when I don't allow myself to. I told him I work through lunch and never go to lunch as they are an interruption of my day (my excuse to my former boss, which bosses just EAT UP). He then said that's why I was doing SO WELL compared to the other people, who were "lazy" (remember he said I wasn't giving him enough resumes? And we needed to have our own one on ones?).

I tried to leave at about 6:00 today, and I left my area, rounded the corner, went past the receptionist desk, and was about to open the front door to walk out towards the elevator when I hear him shout "Hey KansasSunflower!". I knew I had two choices. I could pretend I had already left, didn't hear him, or go back in and see what he wanted. So...I went back in to see what he wanted. He wanted my SAP BW guy for a job he has. That took another 45 minutes!

He is CRAZY. I don't know what to do about him. The girl who is pregnant told me that the two desks that are right beside my boss are always empty because the people who sit there never last more than a few weeks or months - they end up quitting because he drives them away. Of course, I'm sitting in one of those desks. I'm not giving up though. He will NOT drive me away. He can repeat himself all day long about referrals, and I don't care. He can try and tell me what to say when I'm talking to someone on the phone, and I'll continue to ignore him because he has no idea what the conversation is on the other end. Man is he annoying.

Sorry to take up so much of this entry about my job, but it's just such a big part of my life right now. I need to make sure I don't get all "bipolared out" and expect to be the best of the best. But I'm afraid it's already started...

Feeling Much Better

I don't know what happened, but all of a sudden, I'm feeling MUCH better.

I took my nighttime meds, had a protein bar and a Lean Cuisine. No anxiety, no depression, no exhaustion. It's still so light outside, I don't know that I could go to sleep right now, so I don't think I'll take my Seroquel just yet.

I'll take it in about 30 mins, and try to go to bed.

Weird, I wonder what happened? Was it the meds that kicked in? Was it the protein bar? It's hard to say - I honestly have no clue. Maybe a break from work.

I'm About to Crash...

I'm about to crash...I can feel it coming. I'm physically drained and exhausted, and anxious at the same time. I don't know if/when I've ever felt so physically and mentally drained before. My body just can't take this, and I think it's rebelling.

I had to tell my boss I just couldn't stay until 7:00p tonight, I wasn't being productive anymore. This was a few minutes before 6:00p, and I get there at 8a, and work through lunch, so I'd already worked 10 hours, but he expects me to put AT LEAST that one extra hour. He asked "why are you leaving? Is something wrong?" I just said "no, there's nothing wrong, I'm just tired and I'm going home because I'm tired." There are the smart people who leave their purses up at the front and get up to leave like they are just going to another room, then grab their purse and go home instead so he can't see them leave.

After telling me I wasn't working hard enough and getting out enough resumes, we had this "hot jobs" meeting like we do every Tuesday morning, and I had the most resumes out of all the recruiters so far this month. So my boss said "Wake up people! The new person is outworking you - she has the most resumes out of everyone! Good job, KansasSunflower!" What a jerk, saying something to me in front of everyone, and then in private, telling me I don't work hard enough. And again, what a jerk, to make the other recruiters resent me privately. I hated that.

I DID take 25 mg of Seroquel last night, but it didn't help my anxiety this time, or at least, it didn't take it away. Perhaps I should take my nighttime meds at 8:00, take 50mg of Seroquel at 9:00 and go straight to bed. Yes, I know going to bed at 9:00p is a bit extreme, but I'm out of ideas. Taking Seroquel at night is making me hungry at lunchtime now. I'm not going to last very much longer. This is getting desperate. I'm going to end up calling in to work sick for 3 days in a row - that's what I mean by "crashing".

I know I owe emails, and I'm very sorry. I just don't have it in me right now. I'm just able to function, and that's it.

On a bizarre note, I usually wear underwear, and hose over it, so my hose keeps my underwear in place, apparently. I never thought about it. On the weekends, I wear shorts, so my shorts must keep my underwear in place, I guess. Today I wore a pair of khaki linen pants that were too big (as all of my clothes are), but didn't wear hose because I wore shoes without backs. I got up, and my underwear slid all the way down to my hips and kept going - they were just hanging on by the crotch of my pants! I had to run to the bathroom, take off my pants, and throw my underwear away. I guess when I do my big "reward shopping", I'll have to include underwear, too.

I've got to figure all of this out. Am I just overworking? Am I anxious because I'm trying to do the whole bipolar "be better than everyone else" thing that I always do? Am I exhausted from not eating enough or working too long hours?

I just know that #1 - I wish the anxiety would go away, and #2 I wish I had energy

Thanks to anybody that reads this, this has gotten to be the most depressing blog there is in cyberspace.


I'm sorry I'm not much into writing tonight, I'm simply too tired, but I need to record my thoughts, moods, and eating pattern for the day.

Taking the Seroquel last night on my way to bed last night worked for my anxiety at work today. I usually started having a panic attack between 3-4, but I didn't today. Instead, I was hungry, but of course lunch wasn't an option. I knew if I even bought anything, after one bite, I'd be full. Because I was asleep when it kicked in, it didn't make me binge.

I had 3 companies want to interview 3 of my candidates tomorrow, so it should have been a good day, but it really wasn't. My boss is a jerk. He doesn't think I'm recruiting for SAP because I'm not giving all of my candidates to HIM for HIS jobs. He told me that maybe we should have our "own" little meetings outside of the team meetings to go over what jobs our "hot". He means HIS jobs. One of my interviews ARE one for one of his jobs! He made me really mad today. He kept trying to get people to give resumes of good people to this girl who is really nice, and she's pregnant and will be out for at least a few months (if she comes back, which I question) and I'm just sitting there thinking "hey, what about me? you're just going to play favorites like that RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME?" Why give her all this charity, and not me? She doesn't even come in until 10 or 11 each day, goes home at 5, and on some days, doesn't come in at all. I really like her - she's so nice and helps me a LOT - I'm not mad at her at all. She's had a miserable pregancy - is very, very sick, and I admire her for coming in at all. No, I'm not mad at her. It's HIM.

So I wasn't anxious today, and I got home, and went with Mark to a fast food mexican place and he asked if I wanted something, and I heard myself in my head, and then actually said it out loud "no, I don't deserve food". Why did I even THINK that? I don't believe that at all. So why did it automatically come to my mind and out of my mouth? Mark said "don't be silly. you don't really believe that." and moved on to another topic.

I did have a bit of a "Seroquel hangover" this morning, though. I was driving in to work, and my eyes weren't focusing, and one started to close. When I got on the phone, my words sounded a little slurred to me. I took less than 50 mg, but more than 25mg last night. I need to take - MAX - 25mg at 9:30, and go straight to bed, no later than that.

I just took two TINY bites, and I mean TINY, of a protein bar, and I simply can't eat any more of it. I'm anxious again. I noticed when I wasn't anxious today, I felt depressed.

The absence of anxiety leaves traces of depression, where I could just start crying for no apparent reason.

My appetite, my anxiety, my depression - they are all symptoms of something, but of what? At least I got a full night's sleep. Maybe I'm just depressed and anxious because of my boss.

Or maybe...going off Seroquel completely really "messed me up" and I'm paying for it now. That's when this all started, right? When I tried going off Seroquel? I was fine before that, right?

UPDATE: I just finished my protein bar, so all is well with the world again. :-)

Seroquel Has Won

I give up. Seroquel has won.

But not for the reason I thought it would. I thought I could beat Seroquel if I could just fall asleep at night. But falling asleep isn't so much a problem. STAYING asleep is, but I can fall asleep just fine. The Geoden and Zonegran do the trick for that.

As I've been reading through my blog, filled with the overwhelming feeling of panic I have right now, and trying to overcome the thoughts of puking up what little I managed to eat on my night out with Mark and his parents, I've realized my anxiety is at a level without Seroquel that makes my life unlive-able. It's just not comfortable at all to live this way. I can't see myself continuing to live in this kind of pain day in and day out. And that's what it truly is - physical and mental PAIN. I don't know if it's a panic attack, an anxiety disorder, or what it is, and right at this very moment, I really don't care. I just want it to go away.

THIS is why I keep my blog. I've journaled what I've taken as far as Seroquel is concerned, my levels of sleep and my anxiety issues day by day, and I've come to realize that I just can't go on like this. It's getting worse as time passes, and I don't want to become incapacitated, which I surely will be. I feel like I am right now.

So now I have a new plan. Here's my plan that I think will work. I've proven to myself that I don't need Seroquel to FALL asleep - the other drugs can do that. But...I've also proven to myself that I still have that "inner torture" that only Seroquel relieved in 2001 and allowed me to go back to work. So...that being said, I will take my nighttime meds at 8:30, like I always do, and before my Geoden appetite kicks in, I'll take 25 mgs (if I have to take 50mgs, so be it, but I'm starting with 25mgs) while I'm walking up the stairs to bed. That way, it will kick in when I'm already asleep (at least, this is the idea). No more "Seroquel binges". Taking it that late, though, I hope I won't get "Seroquel hangovers" in the mornings and still be able to drive to work.

I'm starting my new plan tonight, because God knows, I can't go through this every day. At the same time, every day (between 3:00 - 4:30), the anxiety sets in and grows until I can't bear it. I'm abusing Klonipin, and that's not a long term solution.

So, about tonight, since I'm already in my blog.

We went to dinner with Mark's parents, and it started out nice and friendly enough. It was nice and friendly enough, just peppered with jabs and spikes here and there towards me. I'm VERY liberal, to say the least. I know that Mark's parents are very conservative. We each are aware of our differences. Many things were said over the course of dinner, and I kept my mouth shut over almost all of them, but I was truly shocked by several things (as any liberal would be):

#1 - Mark's dad leaned forward across the table, looked me squarely in the eyes, and told me in 10-15 years, Bush will be seen as one of the best presidents of all time because he had to make the "hard decisions" and stand by them. Mark laughed and looked at me, but what could I say? My jaw had dropped open and I didn't notice until he was finished and I thought it would be polite to close my mouth, especially at dinner.

#2 - Mark's mother mumbled something about "the stupid American Civil Liberties Union" and his niece. We're not sure what she said, and if she said what we THINK she said, then we don't believe it's true. But that's neither here nor there. I JUST DONATED MONEY to the ACLU a few weeks ago. I appreciate the fact that I can't stand up for every single one of my civil liberties, and I'm glad there's an organization that does it for me. So yes, you could say I'm a "card carrying member of the ACLU". Mark put his arm around my shoulder when he he heard that one, and didn't laugh.

#3 - I like Al Gore. So what. Is it hurting anyone? I happen to admire him dearly. Mark's dad said everything he is doing right now is politically motivated to run for office in 2008. I said he is NOT running for president in 2008, but I wish he would, because I would vote for him! Mark's dad said "I wish he would too, so the Republican's would win!"

He then smiled at me endearingly and said "you know I like to get you riled up", and Mark said "there's no way I could talk like that to her at home". What am I - some liberal freak in Texas to take to show and tell as an oddity?

At least we agreed on one thing - JFK left behind a great legacy. Even though Mark's Dad lived through JFK's presidency, he was wrong, and Mark knew it too. He said he had voted for him, both times. Kennedy only ran once - he was president from 1960 - 1963 when he was killed, of course, HERE, in Texas. Mark tried to tell him he only ran once, but he was insistent he was killed in the second term.

Now I can have some peace. He's just deranged and delirious in his old age. I'm part of the future that will be deciding the course the nation will take, thank God, and I'm not the one raving about Bush being seen as the greatest president of all time.

What legacy is he leaving behind? A bunch of dead bodies lost in the search of Weapons of Mass Destruction that haven't been found is all I see.

I had to go through all of this while fighting through a massive panic/anxiety attack, smiling, nodding, making conversation, and trying to look as though I was eating when I wasn't. Mark's mother was watching my plate like a hawk, commented on how thin my face looked, asked if I was dieting, but thank God Mark FINALLY stepped up to the plate and said "no, she's just made some lifestyle changes". I felt like a frickin' anorexic having to explain myself or something.

Okay, the meds are kicking in, bitching helped a little, I think I'll check my email.

Thanks for listening, and wish me luck on my new Seroquel regimen!
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