Seroquel and Richard Jeni

I just took 500mg of Seroquel - 400mg more than I normally take at night. Mark is giving me the "cold shoulder", it's the weekend and I have no idea what to do, and I just feel overly anxious in general. I want relief - I just want to "sleep it all away". I know what the deal is with Mark - he hasn't said it, but I think he's throwing a temper tantrum over sex. I confronted him about it, FINALLY, and he didn't deny it, just brushed it off. The thing is...I don't WANT to sleep the weekend away, it just seems EASIER. I want everything and everyone to just GO AWAY. It's too stressful, I'm too anxious, and I don't know what to do about it. I already feel tired from taking an extra Seroquel to sleep last night, I don't feel like showering to do anything,'s already done. I guess I don't need to make excuses NOW, except, for future reference, I might want to remember WHY I do this.

I looked up "addicted to Seroquel overdose" and found nothing. Does no one else do this? I can't believe that. Maybe no one else has a "stockpile" like I do?

On another front, a comedian, Richard Jeni, that I only knew by sight, not by name, committed suicide on June 27th. Here's what his family had to say on his "official website" :

"Often times, when we are faced with a sudden and tragic loss, there is a natural curiosity - a need to know what exactly happened. The family of Richard Jeni would like to put to rest any assumptions as to the cause of Richard's death. Despite the fact that the coroner's office has publicly stated that a suicide ruling will take two weeks, pending the results of an autopsy report, Richard Jeni did take his own life.

Rumors have been circulating as to the cause of death and have included speculation of Richard being depressed over the state of his career or a physical ailment. His career was not even addressed by his specialists when they were trying to diagnose Richard's illness. In fact, he had just enjoyed one of his most financially rewarding years to date. He was consistently creating new material for his busy touring schedule, and during the last week of his life, he had meetings scheduled with Chris Albrecht, Chairman and CEO of HBO, to discuss future projects following his last HBO special. In actuality, the past few years had been more prolific than ever. As his agents can attest, prior to his illness, Richard only missed one engagement in over twenty years, and that was due to weather.

The truth is earlier this year Richard Jeni was diagnosed with severe clinical depression coupled with bouts of psychotic paranoia. One only needs to have a family member or friend with a mental illness to understand that there is nothing rational, predictable, or fair about these diseases. Mental illness is as serious as any physical affliction and can be just as devastating.

He was not down or blue, he was ill. If you knew Richard, you could understand, this was as much a shock to those close to him, as it is to his fans and colleagues. Perhaps Richard's passing will encourage people to have sympathy, compassion and understanding for those who are afflicted with mental illness. As we are trying to make sense of this, take time to remember the joy and laughter Richard brought to the countless people he touched during his much too short life."

I'm so sad that mental illness has taken another life, and it reminds me that...I'm (we're) not so alone, even if I don't feel suicidal at this very moment. It could all change in the blink of an eye, and I never forget that.


I hate it when I wallow in self-pity, like I did in my previous post. Yuck. I would delete it, but I promised myself I wouldn't do that anymore (I usually keep my promise!).

I SHOULD be getting ready for work, but I SO don't want to go! I wanted to go home so badly yesterday, but didn't know how to get up without my boss saying something about me staying until 7:00p last night. He started lecturing Bipolar Girl about something, so while he was doing that, I grabbed my purse and tried to slip out of the door. He told me to hold up, and asked me if I had a problem saying goodbye to everyone. I said just looked like they were very involved in a conversation and I didn't want to interrupt. He told me from now on, I should stand up and say "I'm leaving, does anyone need anything from me?". I thought it was so ridiculous. He said a "deal" could depend on it. So he asked if I had tried my candidate again - the one who had the interview in another TX city and was flying in from OH, which we needed to "prep" before this morning, and I tried him again. The phone rolled over to voicemail, but then he called my boss right back. So then I had to sit there while my boss talked to him for about 30 minutes, then put an email together for him and sent it before I left. To be honest, a deal COULD have depended on that, but it's still ridiculous. Afterwards, I stood up, like an idiot, and said "I'm leaving for the day, does anyone need me for anything?" very loudly and very sarcastically. My boss and everyone laughed, and felt like an even bigger idiot. No one ELSE has to do that, just me. What a moron I am.

Mark and I just fought over the bathroom - to use the shower. We have 3 bathrooms, but we both use the same one because all of our stuff is in there. I gave in, not without throwing a temper tantrum, and went to the "other" bathroom, where I have "backups" of everything. On Fridays, I go into work 30 minutes later, but I can leave a LOT later because of traffic.

I weighed, and this is going to sound so dumb, but I ONLY gained 2 pounds! I was praying as I got on the scale that it wouldn't be OVER 135, and it was only 132! I ate so horribly this week that you wouldn't believe it! Now I'm back at ground zero, and can start eating correctly again. Back to the 120's I must go so I can wear my stupid bikinis.

I REALLY do not want to go to work today. But then again, when I do ever? I'm finishing this blog entry because I forgot to put solution in my contact case with my contacts, and I'm waiting for them to soften back up. If I'm late, I'm late. It IS Friday, after all. I don't even care anymore... At least I'll make it in. Is that a bad attitude? The only days I really care are on Tuesdays and Thursdays - when we have meetings at 8:00a sharp. I miss very important things if I'm even a few minutes late, and it looks horrible when I walk in and everyone's already there and the meeting has started, or even if it hasn't, and I'm the last one there.

I want to do something, ANYTHING this weekend - like get out of town. I want to stay at a bed and breakfast and explore a city. I adore staying at bed and breakfasts, really nice ones, though, not cheesy ones. Like...with antique furniture, huge rooms, fancy breakfasts in old historic's so much fun.

I don't know if I can talk Mark into it, but I'll try...or, I'll do like I always do. Stay home, with my goal being shower for the weekend. That's probably more like it.


I wish I had an interesting life to write about - that I did fun things, that someone or something inspired me. I know it's up to me to think of these things, but I just don't for some reason. And if I do, what do I do about it? Nothing. Stay at home on the weekend....all weekend...again...hoping I take a shower at least once...what a sad life. And even sadder? There are always people who have it "worse" than anyone else, and I should feel so "lucky" and be clicking my heels, excited about life, right? Should I be? Then why don't I? I feel fat, ugly, old, and just unpresentable to the public in general. What in the world was I thinking buying bikinis? I'm such an idiot. What wishful thinking! That #1 - I would actually wear one in public! And #2 - I would actually GO somewhere! People at work....they just don't know. They don't know that I'm DIFFERENT. I don't even know if Mark knows, and he lives with me. He sees me through love goggles or something. I'm not this lucky person, this smart person, this funny person, this anything person. I'm selfish, I'm booooring, I'm mean, I'm...just not fit. Mark calls me "the luckiest person he's ever met in his life". How lucky is being bipolar and taking a fistful of pills morning and night? If I had any luck, it ran out a long time ago. And what the hell am I always so depressed about? I could cry...ALWAYS! Something can ALWAYS make me cry. I pretend to be happy...

I don't know what's real and what's fake anymore. I started "pretending" a long time ago, and I don't know if I ever stopped? What's me and what's not? Who the hell am I, really? I wish someone would just read a book to me....that told me who I'm supposed to be....and how it's supposed to FEEL...and then I'll know how to act.

I don't think anyone knows me, nor could they, when I don't, either...

I thought I went through this in my 20's? The whole "who am I?" stage?


I've got a lot of "good things" going on at work right now, and they could all fall through in a day. Of my 3 interviews on Tuesday when I went home sick, 2 of the candidates are going on to the next step. Those are pretty good odds! The 3rd person just isn't technically sound, and...that's something I just can't help.

One of my guys is safe and sound after flying to a city in TX for his his face-to-face interview tomorrow, and he's all revved up and ready to go. I love his attitude!

I have a second guy flying out tomorrow for the same job in the same city with the same company, and darned if he won't even make the time to hear what the Account Manager and I have to say. I think he thinks just because he has his itinerary and knows where to go and what time, he's all set. NO, HE'S NOT! If he wants every chance possible to get that job, he needs to know WHO he is going to meet, such as - what their titles are and what they do in relation to the position - who he's going to lunch with, he needs to know he's taking a technical test so I can give him an option to "practice" and take an online one beforehand to find out if there's a "weak" area he can study, and all of our "face to face interview tips". This company paid for his flight, his hotel, his rental car, his meals, and all incidentals for a 6 hour interview, and he can't even chat with me for 30 minutes?

Does he really think we're that unnecessary? Can he really be so stupid as to think we make so much money by finding a "body" and putting them in a "job"? He must be kidding if he thinks he's THAT special. We do this for a LIVING - why in the world wouldn't he want our wealth of knowledge if he wants that job? Let's say the job pays $100k/yearly (to make it easy). Our firm's fee might be 25% ($25,000). So if he gets hired, my firm collects $25,000 as long as he stays, say...3-6 months. And he thinks all he has to do is "show up"? I've counseled his COMPETITION - my OTHER candidate, for probably 2 hours now, followed up with emails, AND he's calling the Account Manager - my boss, again tonight before his interview tomorrow. Who has the advantage here from professionals? Why in the world would you take so much of your time to fly to a job interview, yet not prepare for it?

It just infuriates me when someone doesn't think they "need my help" and asks me to just "send them an email" or "leave them a voicemail" because they think they're too busy. I REALIZE they have a job, but I make myself availaable after hours, and if you're looking for a new job, shouldn't you make that your priority, and stop being an "over-achiever" and your current job? This part I know from experience - I used to DO this myself. But, I always *want* them to get the job! By that time, I've invested a lot of my time into them, they say...time is money...; however, I could have been working with someone else instead.

I WANT to tell them "if this job was so easy to fill, why would the client be paying us a fee to find them a 'perfect person'"? They could do that themselves for FREE! A person will LOSE a potential job just by not having good eye contact, or giving a limp handshake, by saying "I don't have any questions" when asked, or saying something REALLY dumb like "do you have paid training?". They're not in a position of STRENGTH yet! That comes with the offer! They're not going to PAY us to find Joe Schmo on the street. And you know what? We've got to somehow make Joe Schmo look like what they're looking for, and it's not easy! Or...we've got to convince the client of WHAT they are looking for, because they don't even know - which is why we're here!

I feel really bad for one guy I have phone interviewing tomorrow night...he's hopeless. His communication skills are sub-par, and I can't see him getting across his ideas at all. It's so unfortunate that it's not face to face. I kept telling him before the last interview (obviously he didn't get the job) to clearly expand on any "yes" answer, and he said "I know, I'm going to give EXAMPLES", and I said yes, that's right"...but, I don't know that he'll think of the English words fast enough. He's French or something. He's so darned NICE, though. Unfortunately, nice doesn't get you a least, not one that a company will pay a Recruiting Firm to find someone.

I think my boss MIGHT have fired Jerk-Boy tonight. I'll find out tomorrow morning if he's there or not... If he's not, I'm going to feel *so* bad because of what Bipolar Girl and I said last Friday that got him moved to the desk closer to my boss and everything....

Mentally Defective

I will NOT come out of the closet regarding my BP illness, and I could care less about owning a gun, except...what's next? I've never been forced legally to a mental institution, only voluntarily to a psych ward, but many have, and is it fair to discriminate against them?

A new bill passed the U.S. House of representatives on June 13, 2007 that requires (and provides funding for) states to send information on criminals and those judged to be mentally ill to the FBI's National Instant Criminal Background Check System. (does this mean OUR OWN DOCTORS???)

Apparently this measure would have prevented Cho from purchasing the guns he used in the Virginia Tech shooting.

Wayne LaPierre, president of the NRA, doesn't want everybody to have guns, especially not people who he labels as "mentally defective". He said anyone with any history of mental illness or suicide ideation should not have access to firearms. Does this mean because I voluntarily checked myself into a psych ward for suicidal ideation that I will be denied a gun?

What's next, though? Can we be trusted with children? Are we fit to drive? Can we competently vote?

That being said, I do have a diagnosis of BP, and from what Wayne is saying, I am "mentally defective" He never says "mentally ill" only "mentally defective". And people wonder why so many of us 'mentally defective' people feel we are stigmatized.

The House bill was written with much input from the NRA, and Wayne had this to say to Newsweek "We just don't think it's really gun control to try to keep guns out of the hands of criminals and the mentally defective,".

I resent being told I am excluded from a constitutional right based on having an illness that does not impair my judgment in a way that would ever put anyone in harm's way.

It is horrifying to find that Wayne LaPierre could actually justify his use of the phrase "mentally defective": it is the language used in existing law. For example, in the Federal Firearms Transaction Record for over-the-counter purchases of guns, one of the questions is: "Have you ever been adjudicated mentally defective (which includes having been adjudicated incompetent to manage your own affairs) or have you ever been committed to a mental institution?" A "yes" answer to this question prohibits the person from purchasing or receiving a firearm.

And since the bill passed by the House is designed to help states comply with those existing laws, it does nothing to de-stigmatize the language. However, it is worth pointing out that since the law uses the word "adjudicate," it appears only a person who has been judged mentally ill in a legal setting would, at this time, be barred from buying a gun.

Any effort to reduce the stigma of mental illness can succeed when people like Wayne LaPierre continue to hammer negative language into the minds of listeners, only time will tell.

Home, But Not Sick

I came home from work, but I'm not sick. We had our "hot jobs" meeting, and when my boss was meeting with the Account Managers, I left him a message that I was going home sick.

Honestly? I'm EXHAUSTED, or at least...I was. I think it's because I drink several cups of coffee before I go to work, and this morning, I ran the coffeepot without putting coffee in it first. By the time time a new pot was made, I didn't have time to drink even one cup.

I just know it's the Seroquel I take at night! I get "Seroquel" hangovers that the coffee overcomes!

I could hardly drive to work, and hit the curb really hard once. My eyes kept going out of focus, and I was shaking my head to concentrate on the road. I didn't have any makeup on, my hair was up, and I looked like hell.

In the meeting, my eyes kept trying to close. When I was writing down open jobs, the lines kept blurring together on my page, and I was just hoping and guessing that I was writing on the line. I almost got up several times and just went home during the meeting, but I didn't want to be rude to the particular Account Manager that was speaking at the time.

The bad thing is - I have THREE candidates interviewing today! They're supposed to call me AS SOON as their interview is over and tell me how their interview went, and now I won't even be there. I know they'll take that as a negative sign - that I won't talk to them today. I DID call and "prep" (go over interview tips) with my candidate who is flying in for a Face to Face interview from one large city in Texas to another on Thursday once I got home.

My candidate that LIED to me about what salary he would take is driving me crazy! The company had only budgeted this position to $85k, and they've now come up to $105k because they really like him. I asked him today which way he was leaning, and he said 60/40 towards this Fortune 500 company. That really pisses me off! He MUST have something else going on, and I keep forgetting to ask him that. Candidates are usually very honest about that, and there's no reason for them not to be to their Recruiter.

I took 4 Seroquel so I would sleep for the rest of the day, and I hope it kicks in soon. I'm just exhausted. And for some reason, today I'm eating like a COW, before the Seroquel has even kicked in! I can't even say that I'm hungry - I just want the taste! Isn't that bizarre? AND sad?

Maybe God is punishing me over what I said about my Dad...

Your Body is a Wonderland

My boss asked how the John Mayer concert was today - and I, of course, said AWESOME! He then started singing a part of "Your Body is a Wonderland" ("we'll swim in a deep sea...of blankets...) and kind of laughed. On Friday, I was amazed he even knew who John Mayer WAS. Today, I was amazed he knew some of the words to Your Body is a Wonderland! It made me laugh, too. I gave Bipolar Girl the t-shirt I bought her, and she was thrilled, and totally understood why I had to take Mark instead of her. She's SO damned nice to me. I swear, I don't deserve how nice she is to me.

I don't know WHY I got so obsessed with what my Dad had to say to/about me. He is such a trivial person in my life. But I did - I was incredibly upset this weekend. Today...notsomuch. My "real life" at work has begun again, and I haven't given it but a few thoughts. However - I guess anytime that ANYONE says you don't have "empathy, wisdom, or soul"...well, that's going to tick you off, right? No matter who it is?

I applied for my passport today - and paid to have it expedited - $173!!! The whole thing is so complicated. Anyways...the picture is horrible, but I guess that doesn't matter. Who is going to see it? It will still take SIX WEEKS to receive it, even though I paid to have it expedited! The only cool thing is that on July 16th, they gave me a phone # to call, and whoever it is I'm calling will give me a # that I can use along with my proof that I applied for my application to get into Mexico! That's not so bad, I decided. That's just a few weeks away. Can you believe they KEPT my birth certificate and will mail it back with my passport? How bizarre. It's a good thing I have a copy.

Now I can go on the trip I won at work, and Mark and I can make plans to go to Cancun! Except...HIS passport is expired and he needs to get it renewed. So HA - it's all in HIS hands, now!

I still worry a lot about work, why can't I just do the best I can and let that be enough? Instead, I'm down on myself and feel like I'm not making it, when no one else feels that way about me. I'm always so insecure about work, I always have been - and school, too. It's not enough to be "okay". If I'm just "okay", I feel like a failure. And right now, I feel like a failure at work.

John Mayer is hot, what can I say? :-) And to "Anonymous" - I'm SO SORRY you've been to 2 concerts and he hasn't sang "Your Body is a Wonderland"....I hate to say hearing him singing it acoustic was amazing, really was! I love how he sings "breathlessly"...and I love his lips....I never had a "crush" on him until I saw him live...he is SO HOT in real life. I screamed SO MUCH and SO LOUD that I was hoarse through the next day! Hey - I had to let him know I appreciated him somehow!

Fat Father

I can only HOPE my Dad is *only* this fat. I haven't seen him in a few years, but I have a feeling he's MUCH fatter than THIS man. God only hopes he wears clothes, though.

I'm disgusted. My Dad has disgusted me. I KNOW he apologized, but now what is happening to him is sinking in (or what he hypochondriac ally thinks is happening to him), and I just want to yell at him. And anyone else in his predicament.

He says he's 180 pounds overweight. He has diabetes. He has serious back problems, which he's has surgery for years ago. Now...he's legally blind which THAT he can't help. And now he said that his doctor thinks that one or more of his organs are shutting down - he just took lab tests over the weekend to find out.

WHAT THE HELL? Dad, put the bag of Oreos down already! This is LIFE OR DEATH! What is WRONG with you? Don't come complaining and wallow in self pity about your ailments and how you're going to "die" and you're so scared, yet do NOTHING about your weight! The very thing that has caused this! (or so you say that things are being caused)

You don't have a job, you get disability checks, so yes, I'm sure you have plenty of time to sit and think of all the reasons to feel sorry for yourself. And EAT. And EAT. And EAT.

I just can't feel much compassion for him, my own father. He did this to himself, after doctor upon doctor told him to lose weight. They suggested he get stomach surgery, and he refused, complaining of "complications" he'd heard from others who'd had the surgery. Well my God, if it were "life or death", I think complications would be the last thing on my mind!

Yes, I know it's hard to lose weight. But to KEEP GAINING? He's not on any medication that increases his appetite as so many of us bipolars are. There's just no excuse for it.

Wait - on a positive note, he DOES, or DID go to "OverEater's Anonymous", where he did "pick up" two women - one was his last girlfriend, and the other is his current wife. Obviously, he doesn't practice what they preach.

Now I just don't want to eat. It DISGUSTS me. I can't believe someone would LET themselves get to that point. Then wallow in self-pity to anyone who will listen!

I can't do it. I've already told him I don't understand why he isn't doing what the doctors are telling him to do, and his response is in a post below. It's' not "polite", shall I say.

Now that he is so scared he is going to die at the drop of a hat, is it enough that he will listen to his doctors and lose weight? No, I highly doubt it. It reminds me of someone who smokes while an oxygen tank trails behind them. But in this case, he holds tightly in his arms a tub of Ben and Jerry's, and another, then another....

I'm so disgusted and angry with him at this point.

Apology from Not so dear Dad

Well, I didn't respond to my Dad's last email (see post below), and he sent an email (we only communicate via email) apologizing. I think I am just going to pretend like I never got it. I don't like being his "punching bag". I DO appreciate his validating what I thought he was doing and saying he was sorry, but it doesn't erase what he said. He SAID I lack "soul, empathy and wisdom" (see for yourself below). He was incredibly vindictive, self absorbed, and very typical of himself. You don't understand, this is just HIM. Now...normally he's not quite like THIS, but he's immature emotionally, and now I'm left wondering after this whole thing...what do we really HAVE together? What do I get out of this relationship that's positive, or...anything? He chose to "check out" when I was a child, maybe I'll choose to "check out" now that I'm in my 30's.

Here's what he wrote, titled: I Love You

"With the pain and the worry about my failing organs (whichever one or ones it is, and I just got back from doing the blood tests) I have been in anxiety, extremely self-obsessed, and not much aware of others. I just re-read your response to me, and I am sorry for demeaning it. It was very nice, intelligent, and appropiate. KansasSunflower, I am sorry. Please forgive my curt e-mails. I am not in a good place right now, and I am sorry I took out some of my anxiety on you. I mean it as sincerely as possible. And I mean that I know I was wrong, truely."

I'm left wondering, after he put me through mental this even worth it? I highly doubt any of his organs are failing and this, once again, is a figment of his imagination.

My weekend was ruined because of his selfishness, and I'm not about to let this emotional roller coaster happen again. I control who I let in my life very carefully, and now I wonder, is it time to let him out?

Dad is Out to Get Me

You know why I'm "bipolar"? Look at the hand I was dealt for parents! Anyone would need a drawer full of medication to deal with life after growing up with these mental cases! Neither one of my parents are old enough to have a child!

I just HAVE to get this out somewhere, because if I don't, it will stay on my mind and I'll keep staring into space, start crying, or worse yet, reply to my Dad's email (pasted below). You would have to read my previous entry to understand this email, but he is just trying to pick a fight with me. Mark keeps talking to me, trying to calm me down, telling me I didn't exactly "win" when it came to parents, and I know he's right. I've already cut all ties with my mother, and for now, it seems I will have to do the same with my Dad so he doesn't continue to hurt me. He's PURPOSEFULLY trying to do it, now. He's turned all of his negative energy on me instead of wallowing in his self-pity. If I REPLY to his memo, he'll only spew hurtful comments once again, which is what he WANTS, and I'll be upset again.

Here's what he said:

"Just look at the shallow response you wrote to me. "You need to lose weight, I did, it was HARD! You shouldn't feel bad about the way you abandoned me as a child. Oh by the way I just bought a new BMW!" For God's sake, (KansasSunflower)! Why would I think you shallow?"

The only thing that could be considered "shallow" would be that I wrote him about the BMW I bought. Just because I was excited and told my DAD about it, does that make me "shallow"? I DID lose weight, and he needs to lose 180 pounds - most of his health problems are from it, and he's complaining that he's going to die soon! I was trying to be "understanding" and show "support". I'm not supposed to bring up his own responsibility for his actions? Who is the real parent here? And he said his biggest guilt in life was abandoning me as a child - and I explained to him why he shouldn't feel that way. So that's a BAD thing? (Read below)

Now that he's "out to get me", I just can't stand for it. I want to respond SO BADLY that I'm craving it, itching for it, but Mark keeps begging me not to, and said he is the first one to say when someone should stand up for themselves. He said my Dad wants to fight with me, and deep down, I know it's true. But I can't, for the life of me, understand WHY.

What did I ever do to HIM? Nothing. He's the one that is in the wrong - he's the one that is self absorbed (read his emails below), is still a child, and won't even admit he is self destructive! Yet he said I lack "empathy, wisdom and a soul". (I'm simply quoting from below)

This is from my own DAD!

What in the world have I ever done to deserve this from my own parents? Now here *I* am, wallowing in my own self-pity. I won't give in to it. I'm a much stronger person than that. This is nothing compared to what I went through when I was a teenager and in my 20's. It's just that...I'm not used to dealing with it anymore. It's like I see it in the "light of day" now, and it' MESSED UP. I never even realized how bad it was.

My Dad is Off His Rocker - Just Read!

My Dad and me - many years ago. This is my Dad THEN.

This is my Dad and his wife NOW. Do you see why I would be concerned about his WEIGHT?

My Dad has been emailing me, and tonight, I was so very upset, but Mark talked to me for a long time, and made me feel much better. Why? I'll paste the emails in order they happened. I only have a relationship with my Dad through email, and that's it. I've always suspected he has a chemical imbalance, but tonight, he really hurt me.

Original Email from my Dad, entitled "Cried Tonight", to "Undisclosed Recipients:

So, the doctor's office called about 4 o'clock pm. today. He had just read my e-mails describing my feet, ankles, and rapid weight gain. He wanted me not to wait until Wednesday, but to come in tomorrow. And I decided to wait till Wednesday. And, that must have been the last wave that broke the dam, believing that he thought it was my heart, and I might not make it until Wednesday afternoon. And so, I started feeling strongly that I'm going to die soon. And a great self-pity, sadness, and of course fear came over me, and I started crying. And crying. Tried to talk to , but she was just real quiet, and kept the TV on. Called my mom, and talked and cried to her. Strange, that I am in so much pain, con't sleep, Can't relax, and death feels so terribly threatening.

One of the first things I think of is how amazingly beautiful the earth, the sky, the wind, the sunlight are. And how much I love being a part of it all. How the trees look with the sun shining on them or through them, seeing the leaves bob in the wind, with the sky behind them all, and the great sense of loss I feel threatened by. How I love, respect and admire and my friends. How I love the interplay with the Corgi's and the cat. How much I feel like I will lose. And yet, I am sick to death of the pain, the almost blindness, the immense body that I struggle to move . The stiffness and soreness. the fear and the selfishness and cowardice. The shrill sound of tinnitus. And the fear of losing the beautiful earth. I am embarrassed at how weak I am, how fearful I am, how self-pitying I am. But, what a beautiful world. My lack of faith and intelligence and courage shame me. and I talked in bed seriously, about I never could stand to be a total invalid, how guilty I would always feel, and that I preferred death to that, and if a decision had to be made, to choose to let me die. How much I felt that I had been a poor weak, pathetic husband. The little scared boy who never grew up.

If I do die soon, The loss of your friendship, your intelligence and being is a great loss, also. I've always felt that you understood very well my feelings.


Are you feeling any better? I was really worried about you - still am, and I was hoping you would update me on what the doctor said yesterday?

MY DAD'S RESPONSE (Still Bizarre):

He ordered fasting lab tests which I will do this weekend, gave me a prescription for Lasix, and just pretty much said it was all complications from diabetes. Just do the bloodwork to find if it is heart, liver, or kidneys. I'm betting on liver. I think that when he read the symptoms on my e-mails, he was thinking for sure congestive heart failure, which was why he insisted that I should come in immediately. I think I am as OK as is possible for me, little girl. But let's be real, people who are 180 pounds overweight, and badly diabetic, and whose blood levels come back with 3-7 times the amount of inflammation in their blood as normal, do not have a real long life expectancy, y'think? I love you, I regret never being a true, good father to you, and I know that has made your life, self-esteem, feeling of security, much more difficult. I judge it as probably the greatest failing or sin of my life. Thanks for even communicating with me. You've made something great of yourself despite my failure.


Did your doctor actually say you didn't have a long life expectancy, or are you assuming that? Is he/she telling you things that you NEED to do and you aren't doing them? I'm not saying anything is your fault! Of course it isn't! But how can you gain weight when you're diabetic and eating the way you're supposed to be eating? Is that why he is checking out your organs? I'm just trying to understand the situation. I am completely sympathetic to your demise - your physical ailments must weigh heavily on your mind, as well as the horrible pain. I'm very worried about you, but I'm also concerned that maybe the doctor is giving you advice and you're not taking it? I know for a fact how hard it is to lose weight - I lost almost 50 pounds, and it was 2-3 pounds a month for like, 2 years, and a struggle every day. I fight every day to keep it off, too - it is incredibly hard. I fail many times. But I worry so much about your weight causing problems if you're really 180 pounds overweight? If you were eating better, wouldn't that help your diabetes - maybe put it in remission, even? I know, easy for me to say, not so easy for you to do, perhaps. Or for me to do, even. When I "crash", I crash hard when it comes to eating.

Please don't be mad at me for saying these things! I'm only ASKING out of concern. I'm very worried about about you.

As far as feeling so bad about our relationship, you shouldn't feel that way. I really like the way things are for us right now, and am so happy you communicate with me as well! :-) I'm not much of a "family person" (you can ask Mark), and I "talk" to you the most out of any family member I have, even though it's only by email. That means a LOT to me. I don't feel insecure, I'm sure my self esteem could be better, but that's a whole "body image' thing, nothing you've ever done, and my life is not difficult. We're very secure financially, my job is going well, Mark's job is going well, we live in a nice home, and I just bought a new BMW! :-) I don't know anything else other than the way I grew up, so I don't feel that I'm not missing anything, does that make sense? And, in a way, Mark has kind of taken over the "father figure" slot in my life by the way he takes care of me. He just takes care of everything and at times it bothers him because he worries that it bothers ME, but it's actually a big relief.

So, no worries, ok? We have a great relationship that I would be very hurt if we lost now. There's no reason to think of me as being your biggest failure or sin of your life - I most certainly don't want to take that on! It shouldn't even be true - I don't feel that way and have no feelings of regret or loss over anything.


I'm attaching pictures of Mark and I from the John Mayer concert last night! We took them ourselves so they're just our faces - sorry! But, better than nothing?:-) I'm planning on setting an appointment to get our portrait taken someday soon...


God bless you, Daughter, I love you, I respect you, I admire you, you are so very smart, intellectually able, but you so much lack soul, empathy, wisdom. I love you, but at my stage of life it is very difficult to hold a true, free-flowing deep conversation with one who has never done the work to know what I am talking about. I don't need talk about doctors, or losing weight, or anything like that. The night of the soul requires truth earned from years of courageous soul exploration. Thank you, and may you be happy.


I lack "soul, empathy, and wisdom"? Okay, then...

Thanks. I'll remember that.


I just sent that last memo about an hour ago. I think I'm severing all ties to him for awhile. I honestly think he has a chemical imbalance, and he takes no responsibility for his actions. Mark asked me how did I turn out the way I did with the parents I had? I honestly don't know, and people have asked me that time and again. I often think that's why I have the psychological problems I do - why I have to take so many medications daily just to be "normal".

Do you think he has a chemical imbalance?

John Mayer Concert

Obviously, I went to the John Mayer concert last night! :-) I had good seats, yes? They weren't as good as I *thought* they were going to be. I had Row D - so naturally I thought, 4th row, right? Wrong. It went: Row 1, 2, 3, A, B, C, D. So I was in the SEVENTH row, dead center. I was disappointed. Anyways. I never really considered John Mayer "hot", but in person, he's like, 1000% hotter than pictures or movies can EVER relate. I never realized how much I hated his long hair until he cut it. Now I'm really diggin' his short hair again! :-) At the end of the concert, Mark asked me, "What's wrong?" because I was sullen. I said "I'm sad because he's gone...", and I really meant it. Isn't that ridiculous?

Before I talk about the concert, Bipolar Girl and I asked our boss where Jerk-Boy was after lunch. She said "Did he take his normal Friday afternoon off?". I thought that was a decent statement, and always wondered why he had allowed Jerk Boy to take off so many Friday afternoons - it seemed so unfair. Our boss said "What do you mean? Does he take off a lot? I hadn't noticed." She said "Well I didn't mean to throw him 'under the bus', but it seems he's always gone on Friday afternoons." He WAS late coming back from lunch yesterday, and I don't know if it's a coincidence or not, but my boss asked him to move desks RIGHT NEXT TO HIM directly afterwards. In my old desk, as a matter of fact. Jerk-Boy was NOT happy. Oops! :-) But really, Bipolar Girl said it...I just chimed in because...well, it's the truth!

I snuck out of the office at 3:30 (we get off at 4:30, but I had asked my boss if I could leave early), because I hadn't told Bipolar Girl that Mark was going to the John Mayer concert with me, and she seemed to have forgotten about it. OR...she might have simply been being polite. I bought her a John Mayer t-shirt, but I know that's no consolation. Older Woman seemed a bit upset with me when I told her, and I told her how horrible I felt, but...I have to LIVE with Mark, you know what I'm saying? I know, I have to WORK with Bipolar Girl, and my stress level was SO high, that I got eczema on my SCALP and itched it all day long. It's like...feeling like bugs are "eating you alive" when they're actually not, so you scratch and scratch. It's so embarrassing when it's on your head, because you worry people will think you have lice. I noticed I had it on my legs pretty badly the day before, and had to use my eczema lotion at work. I don't know WHAT is up with me. When I left work, I physically felt ill, like I was going to throw up and very dizzy, and took SIX klonipin to get over my anxiety attack.

At the John Mayer concert, there were SOME men there, but I didn't see even ONE "get down" to John Mayer. It's as if they were all there just to accompany their girlfriends/wives. I DID see just one group of two guys, and then Mark figured out they were gay (I'm taking his word for it because while I was gone he saw one put his arm around the other).

As a matter of fact, one man in front of me sat down during the WHOLE CONCERT, and I found myself accidentally bumping my arm on the top of his head MANY times. Mark said he did, too. I felt bad for his wife. For me, that would have practically ruined the concert, being with a "stick in the mud". I always worry about the person I'm with - "are they having a good time?" etc.

My boss asked me why I was taking off early, so I told him I was going to the John Mayer concert. He said "Oh my gosh, you're kidding. John Mayer? Is MARK going?", and I said "yes, but he doesn't like him". He said he doesn't really either, and he thinks that girls really like him and it makes guys jealous. Doesn't matter to me - I LOVE JOHN MAYER! :-)

Mark actually had a good time, even though I was freaking out over John Mayer, although consciously subduing it because of him. All of the other girls were freaking out, too. Not "screaming like the Beatles" freak out, just very into him.

I think the last song he played was "I'm Gonna Find Another You", and it almost made me cry (from Continuum). It was his last encore song, and he did it SO well, and with so much feeling. I was just lost in the moment.

You can see it on the "widgets" from his site, but here was his playlist from last night:

Neon (don't really like)
Belief (really like)
No Such Thing (LOVE!)
I Don't Trust Myself with Loving You (okay)
Waiting on the World to Change (really like)
Why Georgia (one of ALL TIME FAVE SONGS!)
Dreaming with a Broken Heart (really like)
I Don't Need No Doctor (never heard before)
Bigger Than My Body (Great!)

Slow Dancing in a Burning Room (really like)
Your Body is a Wonderland (he sang it Acoustic, and it was AWESOME!)
I'm Gonna Find Another You (possibly the best performance I've ever seen/heard)

He didn't sing "Comfortable", which is my all time fave John Mayer song, but I wasn't expecting it. If he would have, though, I would have FREAKED.

That was my John Mayer concert experience, except something really disappointed me. Since we had such good seats, we were walking out in front of the stage to get out of the theater, and this REALLY pretty girl walked up to this booth and said "Where's the 'After..."?". I was like, "what the hell? Is someone picking out who he's going to party with after the show?". I decided I was THROUGH with John at that point, but Mark talked me out of it. I can't remember what he said, but I'm still a little pissed that he would be so shallow.

But...Mark DID say ask would I be so surprised...he WAS with Jessica Simpson. So, yeah, he's right, why would I be so surprised? Of COURSE that makes him shallow. Very disappointing.

Weigh Day

I lost 2 and a half pounds since last Friday! Woo Hoo! See previous entry to see how I did it. :-)
Today is JM-Day (John Mayer Concert Day), and Mark is insistent that I take him instead of Bipolar Girl. She hasn't mentioned it, but I think I should bring it up to her today. 4th row center seats ROCK, dude! :-)

Stuck in the Sidewalk of Life

A really stupid thing happened to me today. I was shopping during lunch, and was walking on one of those steel "grates" on the sidewalk. I could have sworn I'd walked on them in heels a million times, but apparently, not the heels I was wearing today.

As soon as I put my foot down on one and lifted it up, I realized my heel was stuck in the grate. Like an IDIOT, I put my second foot on the grate to bear down so I could get my first foot out. Well what do you think happened? I had TWO heels stuck in the grate, and I couldn't move!

There just HAPPENED to be a man behind me, and he grabbed my arm, and I leaned down and pulled one leg out, then the other. On a more embarrassing note, I'm sure my clear "duct tape" for my plantar's wart medicine was very noticeable at that distance for him, even though the plantar's wart is on the sole of my foot. He was very nice, and was holding his little boy. He didn't laugh or anything - he was just really kind. I was SO thankful he was there - he was my hero...for the MONTH!

I'm back on 100mg of Seroquel at night now instead of 150mg, and my appetite is back in check, THANK GOD. I got on the scale yesterday and had lost 2 pounds since last Friday. Tomorrow is my official weigh day, so we'll see if I maintained that 2 pound loss in a week.

Oh! I also changed what I eat for breakfast every morning! Instead of an egg mcmuffin (which has 300 calories), I switched to a dry English Muffin, and that's it. I think that's why I lost 2 pounds. We'll see if it's even more by tomorrow.

You know what else is good for weight loss? Buying bikinis and knowing you're going to have to wear them in public. I've bought 3 or 4 now, and when I try them on, my tummy sticks out and I look like an idiot. The trip I won from work is probably next month, and as soon as I order my passport and figure out how we can go to Cancun with or without our passports, I'll be on the beach! I think if you show proof that you applied for your passport, you're fine for Mexico, and you can also expedite the process (I'm sure it's much more costly) and get it in 2-3 weeks as well. So I HAVE to lose weight! I have NO CHOICE!

I can't go to the gym during lunch because of the duct tape (at least I found clear!) on my foot. How embarrassing would that be to be in the locker room and have everyone watch me peel off the duct tape and throw it in the trash? And even WORSE, put medicine on it after the shower, and put more duct tape on it? just doesn't work, and now I'm stuck paying $78/month in gym fees and I'm not even going! It seems so wasteful.

Tomorrow is JM-Day (John Mayer concert day), and I haven't told Bipolar Girl that Mark is going with me. The reason Mark is going with me is because he "announced" that he was taking tomorrow off for JM-Day about a week ago. But Bipolar Girl hasn't brought it up in at least 2 weeks. I feel SO uncomfortable. I WANT to talk about the concert so badly at work because I'm so excited, yet feel I can't breathe a word since I haven't said anything to her. Today Mark said "so who are you taking to the concert? Me or Bipolar Girl?". I said "you, of course". He repeated the question. I have no idea what to do, if she even has plans for tomorrow now, if Mark even took the day off like he said or was just "bluffing"...I think he was bluffing. He'll be home soon from Chicago - I'll ask him.

I'm getting really frustrated at work. I've sent out 30 resumes this month, have gotten 16 interviews for my candidates, and have no "deals" yet, just one "offer reject". To be fair, a few are still in process, and 5 interviews are next week. Maybe the offer reject just has me in a foul mood about my job. This guy LIED to me. I TOLD him the job only paid $85k, and asked him over and over if he would accept that because I knew he made $125k (although he lied about that too, and actually makes $117k). He gave me these reasons why he wanted to leave his job, and I believed him. STUPID ME! I won't do that again!

Well, they offered him the job, thinking he wanted $85k. And...they liked him SO much and wanted him to take the job SO badly that they *thought* they were giving him a great offer by offering $95k. $10k more than he *supposedly* was asking, right?

The truth? He thought that once he interviewed with them, they would see how valuable he was and offer him more money. I told him they DID offer him more than $85k - they offered him $95k, but he wants at least $115k now. I could strangle him for lying to me. I NEVER would have set up an interview for him knowing this, and made a point to ask him again and again about the salary beforehand. I honestly don't think that, even if someone has a valid reason again, I will put them up for a job where the salary is so much lower than what they currently make. I simply won't care what they have to say. I won't even bring up that I have an opportunity available, even if it matches what they're looking for, minus the salary. At least, not when the disparity is THIS much. About to lose your job and need something, anything, or you'll lose your house? Nope. I don't have a single thing open. That person will just accept my job and then turn around and take a higher paying one anyway. If not before they start, then within a month or two. It's not worth it. These lessons are tough learning the hard way...

I'm thinnking of calling in sick tomorrow....

Passive Aggressive

So...I finally got it. After all of these years. My trust fund, since '88 or '89 finally terminated on June 16th, and I got the "delivery letter", asking what I wanted to do with the assets, on June 18th.

Do you know how much motivation I have to complete those documents?


I can't even look at them, and where I tossed them after stifling through page after page and wondering if I needed an attorney, I have no idea. I do remember that, on the cover letter, it said to complete the pages and send them in ASAP (yes, it was capitalized) so the house, my grandparent's house, where my mother has been living "rent free" all of these years can be appraised and sold.

I just don't want to DEAL with it. I don't want to THINK about it. I feel ANGRY, I feel SAD, I feel CONFUSED. I'm so conflicted.

This could be a HUGE trigger for me...all of this anger, all of this sadness, all of this anxiety.

It reminds me of my deep sadness for my grandfather - the finality of it all. This is it....the end. I feel so much anger towards my mother - as if she bothered to care or even tried to contact me. I don't want to be BOTHERED with it all.

I want it to go away, and you want to know how I really feel?

It just brings up my....well, to the shock of anyone reading this, hatred for my mother. You simply can't understand until you've lived in my shoes. Or...until you've stood by my side and tried to talk to her. That did it for my ex-husband. People think..."oh, but that's your MOTHER", or "that will always be your FAMILY", "set aside your differences"....yeah, right! If she actually answered the phone when you called (back in the day before your counselor told you to 'say goodbye to your mother and go through the grieving process'), said thank you for roses you sent, or even acknowledged your existence. In 20 years. How about protecting me from my abusive step father for 10 years? Why did you just stand there and let him do all of those things to me? I said YOU, didn't I, not HER. I think it's because I don't REALLY want anyone to answer that question. She actually told me once, in my 20's (I left when I was 16) "but you just don't understand what you were LIKE as a child....". Can physical violence ever be explained away like that? I was never physical, and actually...I was a really good kid. He was an alcoholic and drug addict. So was she, who stole from me and pawned things my dad (real dad) gave me for Christmas for God only knows what.

Yes, I know I'm demonizing her, but she's demonized in my mind. Not that it matters...she lives in Kansas, and I She'll run through her money like water, whereas, I don't need it (the little I'll get). And once her money is gone...I'd better not hear one peep from her. She only tracks me down when she needs something, and God help me, if she tracks me down for this or for something else down the line, she's going to be sorry she called.

Why does THIS make me so mad - what's the coorelation? Because I KNOW she's waited her whole life for this - her inheritance. It's finally come. And just HOW important is this to her? Hmmm...let me think. Could bringing an attorney to your father's deathbed (nursing home) with changes to his trust made and having him sign "on the line" when all he could sign was an X and not his name because he was so sick give you an idea??? And if you're wondering..."were the changes in her favor?"...well DUH. Of course they were! I've seen the copies! And how do I know this actually happened? Because my grandma (my father's mother) was THERE AND SAW IT! And no, she would never lie - she's a very strong, Christian woman who does not dislike my mother. Not that she would say, being a strong, Christian woman. :-)

In the back of my mind (or maybe not so back?) is this my way of getting back at her? By not returning the paperwork? I don't know. I'd like the money just like anyone else. I guess if I don't turn it in soon, the bank will start bugging me, so....I'm sure, out of force, I'll do it sooner rather than later.

But...I never said I wasn't passive-aggressive.

Quick Update

Do you realize how long it took me to build up to 1100 connections on LinkedIn? A LONG FRIGGIN' TIME! Now my coworkers are forwarding emails to me to forward FOR them to people they are trying to contact for jobs that *I* am trying to fill, too! Well, I'm SORRY that THEY only have 6 or 28 connections! I'm not doing it! So their requests just sit in my Inbox on LinkedIn, and I see my coworkers at work and look at them uncomfortably...but really, just who do they think they are?

It was just me, my boss, and myself last night, and he wigged out a little bit. He said that he had asked me not to look for job for a year, and to give him a full year's commitment, not to pay any attention to recruiter's calls. It's weird, I get at least one a day now. I have NO CLUE where they get my name or number, but some can be downright annoying. It's like I always say...Recruiter's are annoying until you need one, and all of a sudden, they're your best friend, right? But back to my story, he started talking about giving me an Account to work, and fulfilling his end "of the bargain", as he promised in my "offer letter" - the new contract we signed. It DID say he was going to train me to be an Account Manager, and he hasn't. The first account I probably wrinkled my nose at, but it was okay, he was actually trying to talk me out of that one. The next account I was shocked - it was probably his best Account! I got really excited, and said of COURSE I'd like that account! He mentioned how hard it would be to give up, but he would do it since he was trying to get new Accounts. I reminded him that I was trying to get accounts on my own, too. That may have been what shocked the HELL out of him to begin with. I got this email about a week ago, which I just noticed in my email box because I'm so bad about reading email in that address:


I'm a recruiter for (Big 5 Company). We are seeking a (Job Name) We are able to pay an agency fee. Can you please contact me? Thanks!

Recruiter's Name
Big 5 Company
(Work Phone) (Cell Phone)

That just doesn't HAPPEN. A company, especially a Big-5, doesn't contact YOU and ask YOU to recruit for THEM. I showed it to my boss first thing that morning, and he said "where did you get this?", and I said "I don't know? In my mailbox, but it was sent on the 7th and I just now saw it...". He told me to get with the Acc't Mgr who JUST got the account, and he was incredulous, too. But he pissed me off by asking if I could give him the email and he would call the guy for me. Are you kidding me?? Give him MY lead? If he doesn't get a signed contract, I'm running with it. After all, HE contacted ME, not vice versa.

I'm telling you, LinkedIn WORKS. You just have to "work it".

Mark's flight got cancelled and he was home for an extra day last night, and now he's on his way back to Chicago.

Oops - it's 6:24 - I should have started getting ready 30 mins ago. Will finish more later.

Bipolar Symptom Gone...For Now

Well, my irritation/annoyance/anger has seemed to have dissipated, at least on the level it was. I'm back on my regular dosage of 5mg of Abilify instead of "guessing" from breaking up a 15mg pill, and that could, perhaps, have fixed the "problem". On the other hand, I'm concerned that work is a "trigger" for me right now, and since it's Sunday and I haven't been there since Friday, I've had time to get away from it.

I'm just going to work as hard as I can at work, and stop comparing myself to others. That's all I can do, right? I've been comparing myself for awhile now, I just realized, and I'll never be happy if I do that, and work will always stay a "trigger" if I continue. I can only do my personal best, and I don't HAVE to be the "Office Superstar". Now, to say this and actually believe it are two different things. Perhaps taking a Klonipin now and again when I feel overwhelmed will keep the "trigger" from getting out of control at work and getting totally down on myself, since it does cause so much anxiety that I can't even work!

We've decided to take a vacation!!! The beginning of August. We're going to Cancun - Mark has enough miles that we can fly for free, and then we're staying at the Ritz Carlton! I did a lot of research before I chose the hotel - it's won a lot of awards, and supposed to be one of the best, if not THE best, hotel in Mexico. Cancun's hotels are really inexpensive compared to, say....Hawaii. I checked that out, too, and staying at a cheapee hotel there is about double than staying at the Ritz Carlton in Cancun! I'm so excited, except...there's a little issue called a "passport"...

I'm SO into Rob Thomas/Matchbox 20 right now. Since it's Mark's favorite artist, he is totally into it. John Mayer? No, he doesn't appreciate it so much.

I'm SO glad my "bipolar symptom" of annoyance/irritation is gone, at least for now. It was HORRIBLE. I really think work is a "trigger". I just don't know how to stop it.

Any suggestions?


I've been a true bitch for the past week. I can feel it inside - so friggin' annoyed, although I don't feel it right this second. It's so hard to write about a symptom that you don't have at this VERY moment.

I've been feeling overwhelmed with annoyance and anger. Mark has commented on it, I can tell my boss has noticed it. I actually told my boss to "focus on what I am saying". Poor Mark. I have had no patience with him, and he's called to talk about work when I'm in this mood, and I am so rude to him. I'm just rude to everyone in general, although I hide it better to other people than Mark.

Does anyone think I actually *like* feeling this way? It's MISERABLE! I hate it! I think I would choose depressed over this. At least I know how to DEAL with depression.

Thursday I was sitting at my desk just seething, and I made it to 5:00 and was SO ready to go - I wasn't even being productive, and then realized I had to stay until 6:00p to "prepare" my candidate for his interview the next morning over the phone. That was incredibly hard, and I almost blew it off, but knew I'd really regret it. It ended up not mattering - they rejected him within minutes of the interview. The phone interview only lasted about TEN MINUTES because of communication skills and he couldn't answer their technical questions. That's what I mean...I can't INTERVIEW for someone, and that's something I totally can't prepare them for with my tips. Either you are easy to understand and know what you're talking about, or you don't. I can't counsel them on that, of course. He has some kind of funky heavy accent that I can't quite figure out what it is. I know Indian, so it's not that...maybe Nigerian? I keep wanting to say French, but I can't believe it would be that thick.

Anyways...the only thing I can figure out is that I ran out of 5mg of Abilify, but I have 15mg pills in my "medication drawer" left. Instead of picking up my refill, I've been cutting the pills to as close to 5mg as I can, but of course, it's not going to be EXACTLY 5 mg. That's the only reason I can figure out that I've been so overwhelmed with annoyance/anger/irritation.

Work is such a trigger for me right now. I'm not happy for my coworkers AT ALL when they do well - especially Bipolar Girl. I'm so used to thinking to myself "at LEAST I'm doing better than HER", and feeling comfortable with that since I'm so insecure. Now she's really got some great things going on and has placed a candidate this month, and I'm all over the charts. Do you KNOW how HARD it is to pretend that you're happy when you're seething so much inside? I am SO FAKE that I can hardly bare it. It's all I can do to pretend - it takes everything inside of me. I pay attention to my body language, my facial expressions, the sound of my voice, it's so much pressure. And it makes it *so* much harder when I'm in a bitchy mood. Could this be WHY I'm in such a bitchy mood? Maybe it's not the medication at all, but work being a trigger?
I know I sound like a horrible person, but this business is so competitive that you wouldn't believe it. If I had made a deal this month, I wouldn't feel so bad. If I hadn't have negotiated such an awesome contract, I wouldn't feel so bad, either. I told Mark about it, and he said "You need to find a Christian God". Yeah, that really helps how I feel. Telling me I'm not a Christian; however, praying about it is probably a really good idea.

I've had a horrible headache the past few days, but at least Advil has been working. What's going on with me? I'm falling apart...

Mark is talking about taking the day off for the John Mayer concert, so I guess I'll have to tell Bipolar Girl that Mark is going with me, and I'm sorry, but she can't go with me....I will feel so bad about that. I know what I just said about her, but I don't DISLIKE her, I actually do like her. It has nothing to do with liking/disliking her. We paid a LOT for the John Mayer tickets, so if Mark wants to go with me when they were paid for out of our joint checking account, then...he has every right, the way I look at it. That WAS the original plan until he kept calling John a "no talent hack" when he was jealous of him because I watched his videos and played his songs 24x7. Mark can be so ridiculous sometimes, and I think I had every right to "ban" him from the concert, like I told him at the time. I guess I shouldn't have acted so hasty and invited Bipolar Girl instead. Now I'm in a pickle.


Today was my weigh day, and I gained 1.5 pounds since last week! I think it may be because I've upped my Seroquel, and started taking it BEFORE I go to bed. I need to go back to my old regime when I would take my Seroquel when I was walking up the stairs to bed. The thing is...I wasn't falling asleep that way anymore. I WAS going to bed and then getting right back up. All I know is, I get up, and the only way for me to go to sleep is to make my "tummy" full. This sucks.

I'll try extra hard this week. I can hardly wear my 4's, and my 6's are even too tight. My stomach sticks out like I'm pregnant!!! Maybe I need to give in and go by some 8's....but the thing is, right now, no matter what I try on, I'm going to look fat to myself and will end up not buying anything...

I go around at work, and when no one is in the hallway, I pull my pants and underwear out of my behind all the SUCKS. All I have to do is lose 5 pounds and I'd feel SO much more comfortable in my clothes...

Overdue Update

I've been awake since 3:00a, and it sucks. I decided to just get up and drink a whole pot of coffee, if possible.

So...first of all, I got my John Mayer tickets by FedEx yesterday! I have *awesome* seats - 4th row center! :-) I was so worried they wouldn't come after someone left that comment on my website. I harassed the poor guy that sold them to me several times after that! I should probably apologize and thank him - he was very patient with me and put up with me, even when I "sic'ed" Mark on him with his dominant male wrath. I have a problem, though. I've asked BOTH Mark and Bipolar Girl to go with me. Now I have no clue as to what to do. It's funny, but the older John Mayer songs remind me of being in Minnesota when we thought we might move there, which are really good memories. Especially "Why Georgia" when it was a song that I played CONTINUOUSLY, like when I get obsessive about a song. The CD Continuum reminds me of driving in my BMW - the smell, the feelings, just everything about my car because that's where I always listen to the CD. John Mayer has TOTALLY been my favorite artist since...November? Before then, he was absolutely obscure to me. It's weird, something will just "hit" me at the right time, at the right place in the right moment, and that's it for me. It describes everything I'm thinking and feeling, and "Why Georgia" was just that for me at the time. He just HAS to play "Comfortable" when he comes to my town, although I know he won't. :(

I'm only about....ONE HUNDRED PERCENT SURE that Mark read my blog and the entry I wrote about him. It really sucks because I write about the moment I'm in - how I feel at that exact time, or project what I might be feeling in the future. I use my blog to rationalize what I'm thinking, and just thinking about what I want to write makes me analyze what I'm thinking and I realize things along the way. He's home this week and it's SO NICE to have him to come home to every night. I won't change what I write in my blog because he might read it, as what I write I would tell him anyway. I think I told him everything I wrote in that entry - but I'm scared to go read it to see what I said.

No real bipolar symptoms, I don't *think*, except I'm highly competitive at work. I don't know if that's a symptom or a character flaw. I'm such an extrovert, but still worry about what other people think of me. How do people see me? Do they think I'm a great performer? Do they highly respect me? What do the Account Managers think of the candidates I send them in general? I try SO HARD not to come across as "cocky" or "bitchy". It's funny, but after being seen as an extrovert my whole life, in the Recruiting world, where EVERYONE has a Type A personality, I'm actually seen as the "sweet, the quiet one". I still think it's called "Adderall" and being incredibly focused on my job as opposed to being the "social butterfly" I've always been in the past. It's amazing, because it's so NOT ME.

Bipolar Girl probably has a deal at work (placed a candidate in a contract position), and after her not having a deal in MONTHS, I'm actually jealous and worried. I should be happy for her, and part of me IS, but part of me is thinking...what if I'm not the "Star Performer" anymore, and she is? We have all of these "contests" at work - like...who has sent the most "resumes out" for the week, who has the most requests for interviews, who has the most active interviews going on that week, and for the Recruiters, I usually win everything almost every time. Pretty amazing, huh? For everything you "win", you get a chance to win money. Last week, I won $114! Plus, I earned enough in this quarter to qualify for the paid all inclusive trip to Mexico by my boss (with my coworkers that also qualified, unfortunately!). I have no idea when the trip will be. Bipolar Girl and Older Woman didn't qualify, so I should feel special, yet...I always worry that I'm behind, all the time. I'm so worried about the FUTURE, that I don't stop to celebrate the successes along the way.

Bipolar Girl is so strange - she is always trying to please and suck up to my boss for some reason, even though he can be kind of mean to her sometimes. She CRAVES his approval. It REALLY annoys me because it's so blatant, and she will even put me down to do it. Well, yesterday everyone had gone to lunch except my boss, his wife and myself, and he wouldn't take no for an answer after he asked me to go to lunch with them. I always turn him down when he's asked in the past, but he wouldn't let me say no to him this time for some reason. It was okay - my boss is a completely different person outside of work - charming even!! - and it's nice to see him that way. On the way back, we were walking down the hall, and Bipolar Girl happened to come out of the bathroom at the same time we were passing it. I'm almost positive he's never asked her - JUST her - to go to lunch with him. She looked at me, then at my boss and wife, then at me, and asked me how lunch was, then where did "we" go. I told her, and I could tell it bothered her. But I didn't want to go, and it made me feel uncomfortable. I'm *not* craving my boss's attention, and it probably hurt her. Yes, I want to be seen as a "Super Star", but in general - to everyone, not just him. If she only knew how much I was making after he and I renegotiated my contract, she would FREAK OUT. But, it's in my contract that if I discuss it with *anyone* in my company, it's grounds for termination, not like I would tell her, anyway. The thing is...sometimes I drink around her, and I get loose lips...

I guess my planter's wart is getting better? I've tried to be really good and keep medicine on it 24/7, and bought clear duct tape on my foot so I could still wear sandals and strappy heels to work. I just don't know if this process of medicine and duct tape is going to COMPLETELY take it away. It will be 3 weeks on Friday night since I've started the process, and my next appt with the Dermatologist in July 10th, so I still have plenty of time.

I've decided that, when I get the "delivery letter" for my trust fund that's terminating on the 16th of June, that I'm just going to elect to sell everything that needs to be sold, and send it right back in to the bank/trustee. That doesn't mean that ALL of the beneficiaries will do the same, but who cares. I don't want to talk to my mother anyway and take a chance that she'll try and call me to get me to mail it back. Besides, if everyone DOES turn it in, it would be nice to get the money. That's what my Grandfather's wishes were, so I should oblige out of his memory.

I've been doing this crazy thing where I grind my teeth all the time, and I honestly think it's because of one of my medications. Maybe Abilify? I should probably tell my doctor about it. I also have this saliva problem, too. I've looked in the mirror when I'm doing it, and you can't tell that I'm doing it, but I really wonder sometimes...

I've been awake since 3:00a - and it really sucks. I don't know WHY I couldn't sleep last night or this morning. I feel a bit anxious. We'll see if I get tired today, or if I even miss not sleeping.

"It's 3:00am, I must be lonely...." Mark says this song reminds him of me because I always wake up at 3:00am...

Up and Down

No bipolar symptoms today, THANK GOD. I'm hoping the last few days were hormones. It seems like I almost got into about 3 fist fights last Thursday. One was FOR Older Woman and her hamburger. They didn't give her what she asked for, and then they ARGUED with her when she told them - saying it WAS what she asked for, and didn't offer to make her a new one! I reached out to grab her basket to stand up and take it back, and said "I don't care what they said or think - it's STILL NOT what you ordered - they should make you a new one, PERIOD", but she stopped me. So I said - "well you're NOT paying for it, you're getting your money back!", but she convinced me not to do that, either. I mean - I wasn't about to do something for her that she clearly didn't want me to do. Yesterday, she was telling the story to her friend when I was standing there, and she started getting teary eyed about it! Can you believe that? She started out by saying "KansasSunflower is the nicest, sweetest person you'll ever meet, never confrontational, and she was going to....", like it meant so much to her. Yeah, I don't know what was WITH me that day. She said it meant so much to her because I was so "protective" of her. All I know is....that day, I was "literally" seeing red. I actually thought "so this is what it is like to actually see red you're so angry" when I got up right at 5:00p, like I never do, to go home. I was afraid of what would come out of my mouth or what I might do if I stayed at work.

HALLELUJAH I feel fine today! Oops, my counselor used to tell me that when people say they feel "fine", that means they are hiding something. Okay, I feel "good", maybe "okay", but isn't "okay" the same as "good"? :-)

I'm starting to act like a spoiled brat at work to my boss, but I think it's because he just makes me mad and it's my passive, or not so passive, way of getting it out. He always has irked me, if I look back at my blog. He allows me to act like a prima donna though, even defends it! I said something bratty to him yesterday in front of everyone when he made me mad, and a few people went "Ooooohhh...", and he said "that's okay - she deserves to say that - she gives me a lot of resumes" to everyone. My performance just HAS to stay stellar, is all I know. After him counter offering and the renegotiation of my contract, it can't slide one iota, and in fact, I want to see it get even better. It just HAS to! I need to be careful that work doesn't become a "trigger" again...

Since my renegotiation of my contract, I got my first permanent placement fee on my paycheck, but didn't tell Mark it was coming. He checked our balance online on the day it was direct deposited, and called me right away. I wanted him to be surprised, and he was. He was so nice about it - saying how happy he was that I was doing so well, etc. etc. He was obviously shocked. To be honest? The permanent placement fee ended up being twice what I had calculated. I was going off the wrong number - too complicated to put in my blog. I knew what it was going to be 2 days before the check was direct deposited though, and purposely didn't tell Mark. I was curious to see what he'd do when he saw it. He was SO nice with his compliments about it. I know it's MONEY, but see, in my job, that's the way you judge your performance - by how much money you make. That's just how it is with sales. There ARE other bench marks, of course, but those numbers on the "board" where everyone can see...well, they gain a lot of respect amongst your coworkers.

I'm supposed to be at Older Woman's apartment at her pool with Bipolar Girl today, but it's cloudy and seems like it's going to rain. She made it seem like it was no big deal, so...I don't know if I should even call? I said I would bring a bottle of wine, she was going to make steaks, and Bipolar Girl was bringing a bottle of wine (how convenient - the two Bipolar girls bringing wine - HAHA, but seriously, one bottle is pretty small for 3 people for an afternoon?). Maybe I SHOULD call, or maybe I should go over? Mark is working today, but only until 3, and it's already 1:30....

Here's for hoping for a symptom free weekend...I'm SO up and down these days!

Oh yeah, that reminds me - I need to call in several refills....

Weighed Today

I weighed - I'm "up" or "down", whichever way you look at it, to 131. No wonder my 4's no longer fit. It beats 176 from several years ago, 136 from about 2 months ago, but horrible from 123.5 several months ago. I'm back to weighing myself every few weeks instead of every week.

Maybe that's my problem. I feel fat, so I don't weigh because I'm scared, therefore not "resetting the clock" on my weight loss. I need to start weighing again once a week.

And the sad thing is - I'm planning on going to my friend's pool tomorrow! I guess I'll wear a bikini top with a "swim skirt" and bikini bottom so I don't show off my fat stomach. No reason to show more than I have to, and it doesn't make any sense to wear a one piece?

Is It the Hormones? Does it Matter?

I had a terrible day. I just FEEL...."not in a good mood". Angry. Depressed. Upset in general.

I AM hormonal right now, so I'm taking that into account. Some months it hits me really hard emotionally, and this could be one of those months where it just all clears up in a matter of a day or two.

I'm really angry and upset at my boss. In my new "contract" that I signed that he created to KEEP me so I wouldn't QUIT, it stated that he would train me to be an Account Manager. Yesterday or the day before, this new guy, LOUD-guy, gets up to leave, and my boss asked him if he'd be in at 7:00a to "market". What the hell? He just STARTED, has made NO DEALS, and you want him to find accounts? Yet you've never done that with me? Sure, he tried to give me a Fortune 500 company the other day, but he pretty well ran it into the ground.

So I have hard feelings and hurt feelings towards him. And I'm not getting OVER them, they're just simmering, eating me alive, making me want to look for a new job, when, what I should really do, is confront him. But I haven't been like that with him...most of the time I just let it build up and then I look for another job and....find one.

The words are coming back to haunt me that I tell my candidates what to do when their employers counteroffer, and I think to myself....I'm such an idiot. Why didn't I take my own advice? Of COURSE the same things that made me unhappy before are going to make me unhappy again! DUH! Why did I think they would change?

Then there's Mark. And his traveling and not really "being" here. Sometimes I's almost like I live by myself already...why NOT just live alone? I get used to no one telling me the house is messy or to "do this" or "do that", and then he comes bursting into the house that I've been living in while he's been gone, taking over, "taking charge" again, and I'm resentful. I think..."who the hell do you think you are?". We get into arguments and I feel a control struggle when he comes back, and eventually....I surrender. I wonder, what does he do that I don't do? Just sit down and physically pay the bills. That's the only thing I don't do on my own. When he's HERE, he'll load the dishwasher, take out the trash, and go to the dry cleaners. But see...he's gone at least 2 weeks out of 4, and home every weekend, except NOT this Saturday for some bizarre reason. He'll be in the office in our city - long story.

You would think by my suggesting we move to Chicago that would solve the problem, right? Rare travel for him then, right? No. He doesn't WANT to move to Chicago, and complained that *I* promised I'd be "supportive". He went on and on about the reasons - 25% more expensive, and a big part was that he said that *I* have never been "nicer" to him since he's been traveling, and he likes that. So he LIKES it this way? I guess I like living alone, too. Maybe we can make this permanent, if that's how he feels. I'm really nice when he NEVER sees me because I'm GONE.

I told you I was "pissy". I hope I come out of this funk or maybe....I'm simply reacting normally to my life as it is right now: kind of (it could be a lot worse) shitty, but with several things and "triggers" to make me angry.

Yes, DEFINITELY big "triggers".

But still, there's the hormones....I can't just forget about those.

I'm a BITCH!

I was about an hour and 45 minutes late for work today. First of all, taking the extra 50mg of Seroquel knocks me on my butt in the morning, and secondly, I had MAJOR cramps. I was pretty proud of myself for going in at all, though!

Before I went in, I called the bank where my trust fund is, since it's terminating on June 16th to find out what will happen. It is much more complicated than I thought, and...I'm thinking about being a bitch about it. Not to the my mother. My mother, brother, uncle and myself all own %'s of it, and I found out that we will be receiving "delivery letters" asking what we want to do with properties owned by the trust (sell or keep), oil and gas (wells? stock? I have no clue), and a bunch of other things. We don't have to all agree, BUT, here's the kicker. We all have to turn in our "delivery letters" with our decisions before anything can be done for ANY of us.

I don't NEED the money. I could be a bitch and just not turn in my delivery letter. I'm actually pretty curious to see, after all of these years, if my mother would track me down to talk to me about MONEY and beg me to turn it in. She doesn't know my phone # - she'll have to ask someone on my dad's side of the family. But she's the one in the house living rent free until the end of the trust, and will need to buy the house or it will go up for sell. If I don't turn in my "delivery letter" within a certain time frame, who knows what will happen to it?

Is that horrible of me? To hold it up like that out of spite? And how long would I wait? Mark thinks it's foolish and he doesn't understand why I would do that. Maybe no one could understand but me. I want to see if she's really THAT greedy that she refuses to be a part of my life until she wants something from me - namely, money. would be nice to have the control for once.

She only uses people...if there is nothing to gain from someone, she has no need for them. She has no idea how much money Mark and I make, and thank God for that. She's very close to my brother - he's an attorney, and by God, when she's old and needs someone to care for her, she'd BETTER hope she chose the right child, because I'm not taking care of her or helping her in any way whatsoever.

How do I know she'd hunt me down over this trust fund? Because she's DONE IT BEFORE! When the trust first started, no one could get ANY money until all beneficiaries had been contacted, and she hunted me down and told me what to do, acting all sweet, and once I did it, boom, she was gone. Back to telling me I'd never see her again in her/my lifetime.

Sure, the money would be great, but like I said, I don't NEED it. Am I so spiteful that I would actually hold up receiving that much money just to get back at my mother?

Yes, I really think I am. People at work would be shocked to know I was so vengeful, to think I thought these things about my mother, my OWN MOTHER, they would say. They just don't know or understand....

Actually, I don't even understand it myself. I don't think my brother or uncle would really go so far as to hunt me down, and figure I'd turn in my delivery letter eventually, but HER? I know she's been waiting her LIFETIME for this.

She had my grandfather sign amendments to the trust in HER FAVOR on his DEATHBED, when he could only sign with an X, and not even his name.

Now you tell you REALLY think she'll be able to wait patiently?

Yes, I'm going to be a bitch just because I can. She's been one to me all of these years...what goes around comes around.

Waste of Space

Just popping in to say I'm much better today - I think the extra 50mg of Seroquel last night did the trick. EXCEPT - here I am, 10:45p, and not sleepy. I took another 50mg of Seroquel, and hopefully will be sleepy soon...

It looks like I'll be at 150mg of Seroquel instead of 100mg for awhile...

Tomorrow I have "stand-by" jury duty, so hopefully I'll get to be on a jury! :-) That's just the way they do things in my county, I guess so we don't have to show up early in the morning and hang out, just to be sent home in the afternoon. I have to call at 11:00a to find out if I need to report to the courthouse. I'm crossing my fingers! :-) (Yes, I know I'm weird, but why wouldn't someone want to be on a jury? I find trials fascinating....)

I tried to talk Mark into moving to Chicago tonight because I *thought* that might be what he really wanted instead of traveling so much, but instead, he complained that I said I promised I would be "supportive", and now I wasn't. Older Woman had talked me into it today. So much for me listening to other people. I should have gone with my instincts. I think we're okay with the way we are - him traveling during the week a few weeks a month, while I work the long hours I'm required to and not feeling guilty that Mark is home alone. When he IS in town, I then have an excuse not to work so much, and tell my boss. He just appreciates the amount of hours I have already put in, and doesn't protest (at least, not much for HIM).

It's interesting, but working long hours is supposed to be a big no-no for bipolars. Everything in moderation, right? But I don't have an issue with it - I actually really like my job. Maybe that's what makes it different. However, in the future, I could look back in retrospection and totally regret it. I'm so damned competitive - and maybe it's just against myself - that I have this incredible drive. It could lead to my downfall. I do worry about that A LOT. But if I spent all my time worrying about "what COULD happen", I'd never leave my house! What's the purpose of working so hard to be "normal" if I can't lead a "normal" life?

I've been feeling down on myself lately that I don't really do anything to "educate" people on my disorder. I stay anonymous to everyone on my blog, and just talk about it to Mark (and my doctor, of course). But on my blog, I talk all about my PROBLEMS. See...that's the reason I created my blog to begin track my moods and events to head off any "episodes" before they happened or got out of control, and to check for "triggers". I never meant to education anyone about anything.

Should I? I'm definitely not "coming out" like I know so many people feel the need to life just wouldn't allow it. I know..."wouldn't allow it"...some may be thinking that sounds so ridiculous. I'm not willing to be discriminated against to prove a point. I hear people say all the time about candidates "he/she must be bipolar or something" when they have an uncontrollable, unstable person they're dealing with, and of course, in a negative way. You know - happy one moment, then flipping out the next. But I hear it so OFTEN from so many people...yes, I worry what they would think of me, and I know they would judge me. Sure, I could "come out" and prove them wrong, but....what if I end up proving them "right" if/when I exhibit erratic behavior? I don't want to lose respect in my coworkers' eyes, nor be judged for every action I make and every word I say.

Should I create another blog just about education? I don't even have the time. I'm a waste of space in the bipolar community compared to what so many others are currently doing.

Fight or Flight

I can't recommend this highly enough:
It's a very powerful video on You Tube about bipolar disorder, the cost of medication, the actions of Congress, Virginia Tech, etc. I can't recommend it enough. It's still on my mind.

My doctor has told me in the past not to diagnose myself with anything unless I've had "it" for about 2 weeks....meaning -depression mainly, but I'm guessing also mania (I suppose, I never really go to him for that), etc.

After saying day after day that I'm okay, I thought I was just incredibly anxious today and was taking klonipin, but it wasn't working. Thinking back, I *have* been anxious a lot lately, and taking more klonipin than I normally do - a lot more. Mark was paying attention to me today, but he said he couldn't help it. He asked me why I was being so "intense". I didn't understand, and asked him to explain? The "jest" of what he said was that I was so passionate about everything I was talking about and doing - by the way I was saying it and acting. I do remember I kept telling him I loved him over and over, but it was weird. I felt so much anxiety, that I wasn't really thinking about what was coming out of my mouth, but I did feel it. I guess that's why he thought I was so "intense". He claimed I had "pressured speech", but he doesn't even know what that IS. I know myself well enough to know when I have ideas coming so fast that I can't them out of my mouth before the next one comes, and that wasn't it. I'm not trying to deny a fact, it's just....he honestly doesn't understand what "pressured speech" is. He knew something was wrong with me though, and he was right.

So what was it? What IS it, after more klonipin and a Geoden capsule later? I don't know. I keep thinking about going to work tomorrow, and I get more anxious. It's almost like an excitement feeling - so much so, that I've hardly eaten today. I just can't. I keep TRYING, but why eat when it feels so empty and you don't want it?

I just took my nighttime meds, and I took 50 extra mgs of Seroquel. One thing I've been forgetting to mention in my blog is that I haven't been able to sleep at night. I go to bed, and get right back up because my eyes are wide open. Maybe this has been coming for awhile now...

Hopefully the extra Seroquel will put me to sleep tonight, and I won't sit here and drink hot chocolate to get my tummy full and fall asleep that way, 1 1/2 to 2 hours later.

Back to the video I linked above, do you know, that WITH insurance, I paid $400 on prescriptions? For my mental health? If you include my health insurance which I am GUESSING I pay about $100/month (isn't that bad I don't know?), and my visits to my psychiatrist which are $50 WITH my insurance (my plan doesn't work well with my current doctor), that's $550. I only saw him for an Adderall refill last month, so it was $10 instead of $50, though., I saved $40, making the total approximately $510 for May. Just for being bipolar and trying to function as a "normal person" so I can work and make money to pay for all of this!

Okay, I'd better settle down now, I can feel my stomach churn, and the "fight or flight" feelings worsen in my stomach and my chest.

What is wrong with me? Why do I feel this way? I'm not ready to call the doc for an appointment as I feel I can adjust my medications myself to get back "on track" just as well as he could.

I forgot to mention....(this is WAY off topic)...the trip I qualified for with my coworkers that also earned enough $$ in this quarter - I'm getting excited! But I have a concern. I don't want to check my baggage necessarily when it will just be 3 nights, but I can't have my bottles of pills in my purse, either, for Security to examine in front of my coworkers. Either going there or leaving, I will be with my coworkers.

I guess I'll just check my bag and risk getting my baggage lost, along with my medication. What other choice do I have? I can't even keep it in my purse! I hate having this black, crusty, ugly secret.
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