I totally missed my 3rd blog anniversary!
My February 2008 post is, of course, below this one, and here are the rest of the anniversary posts throughout the years...(maybe February isn't such a great month for me!!)
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Maybe I really did have the flu or something. Mark is sick now, and a girl from work was out yesterday. I felt pretty good, could concentrate well, worked through lunch, stayed until almost 8:00p, and had no panic attacks or anxiety with need for Klonipin or Geoden.
Thanks for the kind comments - they mean the WORLD to me. Just when you think you're alone and without any support...someone understands what you're going through and says the kindest thing. Thanks so much.
Not having anxiety is like HEAVEN. When you've had it day after day for so long, just going one day without it is so relieving. You see you really can lead your life without pain - maybe, just maybe...if it lasts. Hopefully I'll stay anxiety free (I'm not naive enough to think it will be 100%) enough to feel "normal". You would think after missing THREE DAYS of work that my boss would give me some kind of "cold shoulder" yesterday, especially being the workaholic he is. Nope. Of course he didn't ask me how I was feeling (are you insane???) :-), but did talk about my future there when everyone else had gone home. He said he knew I didn't need the money because of Mark (that's not ALWAYS true), but I could take 5% of my deals anytime I wanted until I'm out of the "red". I basically pay my own salary, so I'm still trying to catch up to pay what I've made. Then he said he'd like to make me an Account Manager eventually, and he'd start transitioning accounts to me slowly. That's a BIG thing for him to say. He's very protective of his accounts. I wonder why I would be OUT 3 days and then he would say that. Maybe he's thinks I'm not motivated since I was out so many days, and is trying to do that now. It has nothing to do with motivation, although I get sick to death of work. But I was S-I-C-K, whether is was psychological or physical, which really, it doesn't matter. They are both physicial, and either way, I couldn't have gone to work.
I realized, whether I had the flu or not, that I'm bipolar, and if that means being out 3 days of work, then that's what it's come down to now. I can't help that anymore than I could if I DID have the flu severely (if I didn't). I felt so bad that it didn't matter if I had a job or not - I simply could not go in. I need to face the facts and not be so hard on myself when I can't perform like "everyone else". I take great pride in being able to work like a "normal" person, and even outwork and over-perform other people who aren't bipolar. I simply need to stop expecting that out of myself. It isn't realistic. I need to be satisfied with being "okay", like I always tell myself. Being "okay" is so much more than just "being okay" sounds. It's something that's attainable and a goal I should strive for daily. Being great is, well...stellar. "Being okay" is something I should protect and guard closely, because if I'm not careful, I could wind up in the hospital again. I see in my blog where I was LONGING to go to the psych ward now.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
I thought I was doing better today. I wasn't thinking of Cody every single second at work today. And then driving home, I started thinking about him and started to cry, and by the time I got home, and saw Mark wasn't already here, and opened the door without Cody to greet me, I started really crying. The house is so empty and alone without Cody. It's so quiet without him. I'm so lonely without Cody. I keep thinking horrible thoughts, like - how can they just incinerate my beautiful Cody's body? Who throws him callously into the incinerator, like he was nothing? He was my DOG, my PET, my COMPANION. I loved him so much. I didn't realize all of the unspoken routines I had with Cody. I thought I heard a sound by the bathroom door this morning and instinctively looked to see if it was Cody wanting into the bathroom, and after turning my head to see, I remembered oh...Cody's gone. Cody died. Cody's.....dead. That sounds so horrible. I never thought Cody would be "dead". I wasn't prepared. He didn't have a long illness that prepared me. 24 hours after taking him to the hospital, he died. I just don't understand it all. What happened? What killed him? What was the growth? What caused the infections, and what caused them to spill out of the "pockets"? Why did the growth double? Was it the Science Diet Advanced Formula that I gave him? Was it the Metacam that I gave him? I never really got to say goodbye to Cody. I made sure to pet him on the head this time, though, and say goodbye Cody, in case it was the last time I ever saw him. I'll never forget him bearing himself down so hard on that tile floor and breathing so loudly against it that I could hear him. He must have been in a lot of pain. And he sat out in the backyard for hours, why did we let him do that? That isn't normal for Cody - to sit outside for so long without barking and being made to come inside. And we had sex during that time, all on Cody's last day with us. We didn't even spend any time with Cody on his last day with us.
I can't stand being in this house all by myself without him. Everything reminds me of him. This is really hard. I thought I was okay when I was at work today, but now I realize I'm not okay. I wonder how long it will take before I can come home again and not think about Cody.
FIRST BLOG ENTRY!! February 12th, 2005:
Okay, so I don't really live in Kansas, I live in a southern state. But I lived in Kansas until I was 19, and I still consider that home. Not that I go around telling people. Not that this state is any better.
I'll dive right in. I worked for a large consulting firm until I was fired for not calling into work. I used to have horrible migraine headaches until I was fired, and it was a miracle - they went away! So now I know why I had them. I was unemployed for over a year, but I went to school for half of that time, studying to be an Interior Designer.
I live with my fiance, and he was working and paying the bills, which I deeply appreciated then and now. Our house payment is HUGE (said in the Donald Trump way...YOUGE).Now I have a new job. I had been interviewing and hiring people a lot at the consulting firm, so I thought, why not be a recruiter? I had no idea how different it really was. I went on interviews for seven months, first of all. Finding jobs and interviewing is a full time job, I found. But I must have done something right, because I would have 3 or so interviews a week. Not that I got any of the jobs - I was considered "very junior". Heck, I'd NEVER recruited, and pretended I had. They slowly "trained" me little by little on each interview I went on.
On a fluke, I sent a bunch of emails out to recruiting companies in the phone book, and got very favorable responses. One response was from a firm that was really laid back, and said to come in and interview. Well, I had an interview with one company with a "Jennifer" on a particular day and time. I checked my email, searched for "Jennifer", called her for directions for my interview in less than two hours, and said I'd see her in less than two hours, and she said okay. I went to the WRONG Jennifer's interview. I just happened to notice on one of my emails a different .com's name, and asked the front desk for that name when I couldn't find the original name, and assumed it was a start-up company. So I interviewed - still thinking it was another company - it went well - and then she said I should meet the other recruiters. Good, right? So we set a day/time, and then I tried to go back on my lithium (oh yeah, I'm bipolar), and it made me sick, so I postponed. Then when I went, I said my dog needed medicine. What a dumb lie. But she hired me a few weeks later, after making the "numbers work".But now I'm in a job that requires me to recruit AND to sell. I didn't realize what I was getting into. Finding new business is really tough. I don't know if I can do it. It's been 3 weeks now - minus the two days I had the flu - and I haven't made a job placement. During my interviews, people said it would take around 2-3 months to make my first one, but does this company believe that, too? I don't have anyone calling me back. Well sort of, but not really. It's really, really hard, and the other people have been there forever or have business from someone else. I feel so incompetent yet I'm working my butt off. Thank God I have a salary, although it's a "draw". I think about this job constantly, how I'm going to improve it, what I'm going to do next, how to make my days more productive, what goals I'm going to set for myself, how I'm going to find job leads, it's really hard. With jobs, I'm such a perfectionist - I have to be an excellent performer, and I know I've been there only three weeks and really no one is helping me, but still. You know? Okay, I know, stop being obsessive. But it's all I think about.
I'm doing okay with the housework, I think? I'm doing laundry right now (on Saturday) to keep up with that at least, and I did the dishes once last week (which is good for me, but we eat out a lot). When I was fired, I used to actually try to make my own pizza dough from scratch - you know, with flour, etc., and make pizza, and now it's frozen or ordered. But that happened once I started a job. I would get up and fix my fiance breakfast every single morning before he went to work. It lasted a few months, I think, and then I don't know what happened. Maybe I was "manic" or something, who knows. But women do it all the time, right? Get up and fix breakfast for their family? Why can't I get my butt out of bed and make breakfast - at least when I didn't have a job? Sometimes I feel like a waste of space. So unproductive. So opinionated and passionate, yet I do nothing about it. Like politics - I'm SO opinionated, but why am I not this huge activist? I once emailed every single U.S. Ambassador about the war in Iraq, but that's about where my activism ends. I WANT to volunteer and help abused children, but do I? No. I just say I want to all the time. Ah well, nothing else left to say, except more obession about the job. That's about it for now. Over and out. (How dorky - I don't know what else to say). Thanks for listening, my dear, sweet blog. (Better, yes?)