No More Seroquel

Last night was my first night without any Seroquel. Sleeping was hard, but I did eventually fall asleep I guess, because I woke up this morning. I know I laid there for at least 2-3 hours without sleeping. The problem was that my mind wouldn't "shut off", it was just racing. Maybe it was more "in my head", I thought because I hadn't taken my Seroquel I couldn't sleep so I didn't relax, or maybe it was really the Seroquel, I don't know. The thoughts just kept coming and coming and consumed me. I don't know if anyone knows what I'm talking about but it's *horrible*. I did what I've always read to do when you're trying to sleep: not to get up and turn on a light as that will wake you up even more. But lying there awake is not pleasant, especially with a patch on your eye from LASIK.

Mark assured me that we would be okay with me going to school when unemployment checks end in a few months or whenever they end. I do still look for a job like I'm supposed to, but never any luck. That's why I'm in school! He said money will be much tighter but we can do it. The fact that he's behind me means the world to me. It keeps me working hard and trying to do my best in school.

I don't know if Facebook is good for me or not. I took a week off from Facebook and it was good for me. It gets to be an addiction, and then I think about people I know too much. People in the past. What could I have said, should I have said, should I have done, blah blah. Could have would have should have. That's what kept me up last night actually. Maybe some people are okay with that past, but perhaps I'm not one of those lucky people.

My Dad and I got into an ugly argument via email regarding politics. He then claimed God was on his side. I should copy/paste his emails, but that would be petty. I sent a horrible one back to him, so horrible that I didn't want to open my email the next day and when I did, I made Mark read his reply to make sure I wouldn't be upset and see if I should just delete it without reading it. My Dad just apologized. Which is rare for him. I didn't apologize, I have nothing to apologize for, well, yes I do. I said something horrible, was sort of true. He didn't even address it in his reply.

Well, wish me luck on no Seroquel Night #2! Thank God I don't feel sick.

Dad's on Facebook!

I went to my first post op visit to the LASIK doctor after my surgery yesterday, and assume I have a staph infection because the opthamologist gave me a strong antibiotic for it and wouldn't take out the contact they put in that was supposed to come out yesterday. She didn't SAY I had an infection, just gave me this medicine to take once a day, so I looked it up and that's what it's for. Talk about bad bedside manner, but she's always been that way. Maybe she didn't want to scare me. I must admit my eye hurts more this time than it did last time, but they warned us it would.

I missed more classes going to my post op visit to the doctor, but I don't know how that can be helped.

I got my Dad on Facebook, my Dad who's hardly speaking to me because of health care reform. I can't believe he lets politics come in the way of his relationship with me. I think that he has nothing to do all day, and lets politics run his life. He listens to politics on the radio and tv all day long, and on the internet, and just gets all charged up, and that's all he has, just a guess. He doesn't work or have a hobby to my knowledge, well, that IS his hobby. So me suggesting I have a portion of a different opinion than he does is HUGE to him. The emails he sent me were HORRIBLE, calling me not a Christian, just terrible things. Some didn't even make sense. I had to tell him twice, the last time VERY sternly, to back the hell off.

My sort of mother has called and left a message twice and I haven't returned her call. I just don't want to sit there listening to her talking, like I have in the past. She didn't used to care about anything I had to say, just wanted to talk about herself only. That gets old around hour 3, so I'm putting it off. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I want to call her and talk to her, I just don't want to be stuck on the phone listening to her jab about her life forever. I know she won't ask about me, she hasn't before.

Guess I'd better get ready for school, boo! But yay! It's something to do rather than stay home and play World of Warcraft which was my life just a little over a month ago.

Lasik, Done and Done, I hope!

I just got home from LASIK surgery maybe an hour ago, and took a Vicodin when I walked in the door. It was a LASIK touch up on my left eye, I had 20/50 eyesight from my first LASIK surgery.

I couldn't believe how many people were there for touch ups of some sort! Lots and lots! Luckily we got there early, or because my last name is at the beginning of the alphabet, and I was like the first person they called for surgery, and the VERY first person he operated on.

They gave me a mild sedative before surgery, and I ended up falling asleep with the crowd waiting for my name to be called.

The surgery is crazy freaky. I think it's because you're wide awake and can SEE what the hell he's doing. I try to hold as still as I can, stare at the "light" as un-movingly as my eye can let me, but he's doing all this stuff to my eye that's wigging me out. Then a machine comes down, I smell something burning, he does more stuff to my eye that I can see of course, and I'm done. They lead to me a room and I wait while others are led to the room after surgery, and someone goes over post op care.

I HAVE to go to school tomorrow, I have a test in Theory that I absolutely can NOT miss at about 10:00a , and they scheduled my next appointment for 11:30a. I think I'll be able to make it without a problem, I'll just miss a class and maybe part of another one.

I found something that absolutely FREAKED ME OUT! When I was 16 or so I stayed with a family who took me in because they saw I was living in an abusive family situation. I kept in touch with them for a long time, they were like my family, but lost touch. I found the mother on facebook recently, and all it had was her name and her birthday, except it wasn't HER birthday, it was MY birthday. The exact same date and year. WTH? I mean really, what the friggin hell? Why is she using my birth date? There's no picture of her on Facebook, so she is lying about her age for whatever reason, it doesn't say if she's still married or not, I just think it's weird and it creeps me out a little.

That's about it, except I think Mark was very nice to get up at 3:30a this morning to take me to surgery. He took the whole day off, not that I wouldn't have done the same, but it's so nice knowing someone is there for you, you know?

Down to 25mg

I'm down to 25mg of Seroquel now and able to sleep, I'm amazed. I think it's because I've started school and have so much homework so there's a lot of activity during the day. My doctor telling me he thought there was a problem with my metabolic rate really motivated me to stop taking it in the hopes I would lose weight, so let's see what happens! I've lost 6 pounds since I started school (Jan 4).

My LASIK touch up surgery is Monday, so I'll be missing a day of school. I'm a little scared about it, I mean, I can see okay out of my left eye, but I see 20/50, not even good enough to pass an eye exam for your driver's license (although they let me squint and shift and passed me anyway). What if they mangle it? What if I'm blinded? Last time it wasn't so huge or was it? I could not see anything without my glasses or contacts, I'd worn them since I was in the first grade. This time, I can see fine, I just see better with my right eye than my left and it drives me crazy, I'm constantly closing one eye then the other to see the difference. The eye doctors told me I'd need reading glasses, so I thought it was based on some degenerating muscle in my eye they saw and asked when I'd need them. Finally one said "let's see your 41? People usually need them around 40-45 so you're about there." I was like, you mean you're GUESSING? So I may never need them, you're only preparing me for the "if" and "maybe in 5 years"? I couldn't believe it, I was floored, I was told like 3 times I would need reading glasses, you would think it would be based on fact.

School is turning out to be really hard, at least the court reporting part. It's not just me, everyone said it is. And I was so shocked at how few people actually graduate and couldn't understand why until one guy in my class told me 92% of all court reporting students drop out at some point. 92%? Wha?? Why EXACTLY? Yes it's hard, but are they forced to drop out because they can't keep up? 3 people in my class have ALREADY taken the classes I'm taking and are just taking them over again. Already. I think it's more of an attendance issue thing, not sure. I mean, did the poor attendance happen because they couldn't keep up or what exactly.

Mark is home and it's "date night". Gotta go!

Down on Seroquel and New Car!

I went to the psychiatrist who told me he thought I might have a low metabolic rate from Seroquel and told me to get a blood test. I thought, why not skip the blood test and just quit Seroquel altogether? I'm down to 50 mg from 100 mg. I know I should get a blood test, but I don't want to go to the doctor and get chewed out about my weight. My psychiatrist already made me weigh myself when I was there, but I was surprised when I weighed less than I thought I should. I got home and weighed again, and sure enough, I'd lost like 4 pounds since school started. I guess just moving instead of sitting on the couch has had an effect. I weighed 195.5 at the psychiatrist with a sweater, jeans and shoes on, and 191 the next morning with just a t-shirt on. It freaks me out to think I could be on the Biggest Loser or something. I try not to get too depressed about it, just try to do the best I can eating wise. I was doing really well running until I injured my arm/shoulder. I'll have to start my couch to 5k basically all over again now.

I bought a new car! It's a 2009 335i that we got for a really good deal because it has 4000 miles on it. I'm not crazy about the color, but it's actually an option you have to pay extra to get. It's totally loaded, every option you could ever think of is on it except satellite radio, and we got them to throw that in. I'm having fun figuring out how to upload the songs on my iphone onto my car. I know how to PLAY them, but it holds 16k tracks, and I don't know how to put them on there. I LOVED my old car and miss it, but the navigation system went out, and it was $3200 to replace. My car was a 2004 model, not even worth putting it in, so we bought a new car instead. I almost bought a preowned BMW 335 convertible, but it just didn't drive like the new one. Here's a picture of my car:

School is challenging, but it's better than playing World of Warcraft all day, and gives me hope for the future. Homework is exhausting, I spend a couple of hours every night on it. I can't say I've really made any "friends" at school, but people are "friendly" if that makes any sense. I blame my weight, my clothes, my age, everything. I have no self confidence.

I have my touch up LASIK surgery a week from today, and I'm planning on just missing the day I get LASIK surgery and going back to school the next day. I can't afford to miss more school than that. I'll get too behind. I was thinking "how do I go back to school and not have my eye bother me in class?" and then I remembered "Vicodin!". I barely took it last time I had surgery, this time I'll take it to make it through that first week of school after surgery. I remember I'm supposed to wear these goggles and stuff every time I go outside for like a week, OMG. Am I really going to do all that again? I guess I must, it's just a week, better follow the rules for optimal results.

Mark and I are getting along okay, except he seems very depressed lately. He has even said he is, said he hates or doesn't like himself. I've suggested he go to counseling and he said he's an introvert and doesn't like to talk, and he doesn't want to go to a psychiatrist because it's a problem that medication can't fix. But he's cranky and grouchy towards me, snaps at me, and we get into yelling matches and he just says he doesn't "feel good" emotionally, well what is he doing about it I say? He compares it to when I was crying every day before I went into the hospital, that this is his way of being depressed, but I don't think verbal abuse (ok, that's probably stretching it because he's not being abusive but he's raising his voice and being difficult) is acceptable. So I'm just supposed to put up with it, not get offended when he says mean things to me because he feels bad? Not stick up for myself? That's ludicrous. I want to be understanding, but I'm not sure how.

That's about it, except it's my time of the month and I feel yucky as anyone would expect. And oh yeah, it's been a MONTH since I quit World of Warcraft! Yay me!


Wow, school is taking everything I have to get through it. When I signed up, I was thinking full time would still leave me like a day or two off when I could do homework or whatever. No, not the case. I go Monday-Friday, not getting off until 2, except until 3 on Wednesdays, then I have my other chores like grocery store, folding clothes, making dinner, etc., then at least 2.5 hours of homework. Mark said I just haven't found my "groove" yet, I don't see what groove there is to find. It is what it is. All time consuming.

I have eye surgery (lasik touch up) on January 25th, a Monday, and I'm worried how that will effect school. That's a day I'll miss dictation or whatever, so a day I'll get behind, and a day I'll miss an assignment, miss note taking, etc. I'll see what suggestions my teachers have. I'm assuming I can go back to school on Tuesday. I've had it before and it doesn't seem like I would have any problems going back the next day as long as I would be able to keep putting wetting drops in my eye.

I counted up to see how much my prescriptions would cost without insurance and it's $900/month. That's a lot of freaking money, but I don't make any attempt to save money on them by going to Wal-Mart or anything like that. My copay is what it is so I just go to the closest pharmacy. I got a letter in the mail yesterday saying I have to switch to prescriptions by mail, 90 day supply. What a pain. That means I have to get new prescriptions from my doctor, although they said they would call my doctor for me. I know my doctor's office, they will want me to go in. The receptionists are so flighty about prescriptions. Great, one more place to go after school.

I also have to go after school to take my car in, my GPS won't load, it says "Please wait a moment" and is stuck there". NOT GOOD for a person who is directionally challenged. I can hardly go anywhere now. The BMW already reserved a loaner car for me but I have to wait until next Tuesday to take it in. I got lost on the way home from the eye doctor (but was proud I made it there from school by myself on my iphone maps!) and had to call Mark. I ended up finding my way home without his help, but could have wrecked easily.

I've had this horrible nagging shoulder/neck hurting problem and don't know why. It's been almost a week I guess, I don't know what I did and why it won't go away. It really hurts though, am I just getting old and this is "aches and pains"? No amount of pain reliever helps it. Is it all in my head? It hurts all the way down to my elbow. I can't imagine what I did, but I guess I'll go to the doctor on Saturday if it keeps hurting. I don't go to doctors because I don't want to be lectured on my weight.

Guess I'll go back to bed and rest my neck and shoulder until it's my turn for the shower.

Emotionally Overwhelmed

New Year's Eve was a big let down for me. Mark and I got into a big argument about what, I don't even know. It started out over a new vehicle, and blew up for some reason. It got so bad that I did something I haven't done in a long time: took a bunch of medicine (Seroquel, Geoden, Zonegran, Klonipin), and just went to bed. The next day, New Year's Day, was much better. We had a nice lunch with black eyed peas for good luck.

It's been about 2 weeks since I've played World of Warcraft - yay! I don't remember the exact day I cancelled my subscription, but I do know it's been that long since I've played. I still text 2 people I know from WoW on occasion, but other than that, it's out of my life. I can't see myself willingly going back to it now that I'm "out". If I ever think about it and think I can handle it, I hope I'll have the good sense to look in my blog at when I was addicted and couldn't quit.

I must admit I do have a new addiction: Facebook. They say social networking is the new addiction, it's so easy to get addicted, too. I had a ton of friends, then I "unfriended" or "defriended" most of them, the ones I didn't actually know, and still have over 100. I can't believe I know that many people. I feel so alone in the world, yet I know over 100 people? And that's only on Facebook that I can find, not counting ones not on Facebook or ones that I've yet to find?

I feel sick or something, it's weird. It started with a stiff sore neck but has spread to my arm and my throat. It's like a virus or cold or something and it's lasted longer than a stiff neck should last in my opinion.

I think it started when I was working out to my Couch to 5k program on my iphone, it was Day 1 of Week 4, a hard day. I thought I pulled a muscle in my arm/neck, even though I don't exercise those. I don't know what to do. Today is the day I exercise again, and tomorrow school starts.

Yes, I start school tomorrow! I just hope I'm not sick, but this thing doesn't seem to be going away.

I would say I have no bipolar symptoms, but why did I get so overwhelmed when Mark and I argued on New Year's Eve that I took all that medicine? Maybe that's not a bipolar symptom, but me simply trying to escape and more of a counseling issue. I need coping skills. Not quite sure how to get those.
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