School is going ok, I'm getting good grades, I just always WORRY that I'm not doing good enough. Writing as a court reporter is an applied skill, something you learn, so it's not like a good grade is an accurate indication of how well you're doing.? I'm getting a good grade in my academic and in court reporting classes, but I just wish I was the BEST court reporting student; I'm not. I'm not the fastest, I don't catch on the quickest, I'm just not the "best". I have all A's, yes, but that doesn't mean anything. It means I did my homework, understand the theory, but am I really "getting it"? Will I end up being in school for 5 years to pass the state test because I just don't catch on as fast as other people? God I hope not. Yes, there are students who are slower than me, who aren't catching on as quick as I am, it's just that there are people that are QUICKER than me, and I want to know WHY. What makes it click in their brains faster than mine? I've been wishing for the days of Adderral again since I started school. I bet THEN I'd be as quick! But I'm not willing to even ask my doctor and get addicted to anything again. The less medications the better! I'm all for medicating yourself to stay healthy, but I was on 7 medication at one point, SEVEN, and am down to 4, well 3 if you don't count klonipin, and I've never felt better except for the anxiety level. That might be attributed to being so doped up from Seroquel that what I feel now is actually NORMAL.
Blah, enough about drugs. My weight and my age. Both of those things drag my self confidence to a low like I've never known. I feel old and fat. People always say you're only as old as you feel, but other people make you feel old. And being married to someone 8 years younger than I am who complains that HE is getting old doesn't help. I never discuss my age with him, it's like my age doesn't exist, I don't dare mention I'm 41 to him. It's like I don't want him to remember, he actually forgets a lot of the time that we're not the same age. I take that as quite a compliment, but I don't want to remind him that I'm ancient next to him. If he was 8 years older than ME, I wonder if I'd still feel young? If that is what is making me feel old? I could be like "well at least I'm younger than Mark...." or "I'll always be younger than Mark..." but I'm not and I won't be. I wonder if he'll want a younger woman, such emphasis is placed in society about younger women and I see it everywhere as men having a younger woman being such a "catch" for a man. Will Mark want that one day? How does he feel about it now? I can't exactly ask him. He always tells me how young I look, I never tell him how insecure I am about my age, but it really makes me feel awful. I think if I lost weight I would look younger, people who are heavier always look older. Then I'd want liposuction, a boob job, maybe my chin done, haha all of this plastic surgery! Nothing on my immediate face, I'm too scared of being Joan Rivers!
I guess that's enough of me babbling, until next time I need to vent!