Friday, April 16, 2010

Just Babbling

I guess being off Seroquel is working, or something is, because I lost another 2 pounds. The weight is coming off, but VERY VERY slowly. A week will go by and I won't lose a single 1/2 pound, or I'll actually gain weight, but it will come back off. It's like 3 steps forward and 2 steps back, a very slow process. My sleep at night is *horrible* without Seroquel even though it's been a couple of months without it now. I may go for 2-3 hours of being wide awake after going to bed before I fall asleep. Every once in awhile I can't stand it and get back up. I just lie there and my brain doesn't shut off like a normal person's and my eyes are wide open. But...I wonder if I just don't get enough stimulation during the day to make me tired at night. I only go to school for 5 hours Monday - Friday (but I have a couple of hours of homework to do per day on top of that), and sometimes I come home and take a nap. I'm not really tired enough to nap, I'm just bored. Or I wonder, am I hypomanic? One of the signs is a lack of sleep, not being tired, and since I can't go to sleep at night, I have that "chatter" in my brain that won't stop, has the Seroquel kicked me into a bipolar state? Yet it doesn't show anywhere else, just sleeping at night, so I think I just have a sleeping problem that I'm not sure how to deal with. I'll tell my doctor next time I see him, but he's always refused to give me sleeping pills in the past, and I refuse to take another weight gainer (I'm still on Geoden anyway). That's the next thing I'm going to try and stop taking: Geoden, as long as I stay stable. But not for awhile, and not until I talk to my doctor and get the "go ahead" like I did for Seroquel.

School is going ok, I'm getting good grades, I just always WORRY that I'm not doing good enough. Writing as a court reporter is an applied skill, something you learn, so it's not like a good grade is an accurate indication of how well you're doing.? I'm getting a good grade in my academic and in court reporting classes, but I just wish I was the BEST court reporting student; I'm not. I'm not the fastest, I don't catch on the quickest, I'm just not the "best". I have all A's, yes, but that doesn't mean anything. It means I did my homework, understand the theory, but am I really "getting it"? Will I end up being in school for 5 years to pass the state test because I just don't catch on as fast as other people? God I hope not. Yes, there are students who are slower than me, who aren't catching on as quick as I am, it's just that there are people that are QUICKER than me, and I want to know WHY. What makes it click in their brains faster than mine? I've been wishing for the days of Adderral again since I started school. I bet THEN I'd be as quick! But I'm not willing to even ask my doctor and get addicted to anything again. The less medications the better! I'm all for medicating yourself to stay healthy, but I was on 7 medication at one point, SEVEN, and am down to 4, well 3 if you don't count klonipin, and I've never felt better except for the anxiety level. That might be attributed to being so doped up from Seroquel that what I feel now is actually NORMAL.

Blah, enough about drugs. My weight and my age. Both of those things drag my self confidence to a low like I've never known. I feel old and fat. People always say you're only as old as you feel, but other people make you feel old. And being married to someone 8 years younger than I am who complains that HE is getting old doesn't help. I never discuss my age with him, it's like my age doesn't exist, I don't dare mention I'm 41 to him. It's like I don't want him to remember, he actually forgets a lot of the time that we're not the same age. I take that as quite a compliment, but I don't want to remind him that I'm ancient next to him. If he was 8 years older than ME, I wonder if I'd still feel young? If that is what is making me feel old? I could be like "well at least I'm younger than Mark...." or "I'll always be younger than Mark..." but I'm not and I won't be. I wonder if he'll want a younger woman, such emphasis is placed in society about younger women and I see it everywhere as men having a younger woman being such a "catch" for a man. Will Mark want that one day? How does he feel about it now? I can't exactly ask him. He always tells me how young I look, I never tell him how insecure I am about my age, but it really makes me feel awful. I think if I lost weight I would look younger, people who are heavier always look older. Then I'd want liposuction, a boob job, maybe my chin done, haha all of this plastic surgery! Nothing on my immediate face, I'm too scared of being Joan Rivers!

I guess that's enough of me babbling, until next time I need to vent!
Sunday, April 04, 2010

First Quarter Down

I woke up this morning at 5:30a, Easter morning. Mark is going to his parents, I've already declared I'm not going. His sister gets on my nerves, and I have a lot of homework. Yes I could have done it any time this weekend, especially with having Good Friday off, but I really did not want to go to his parent's house and see his sister. She is so...not outright rude, but not friendly either. She's one of my "facebook friends" and she gets on my nerves like you wouldn't believe. We are not "real" friends. It's like she's jealous of us or something, and acts like she disapproves, I can't explain it. Like she's so jealous she can't stand it, but I don't know why, she should have everything she needs, just she and her husband aren't successful is all. But she has 3 wonderful children, I don't, shouldn't that be enough? For instance, Mark loves cars, and he buys a new one every so often, like a Porsche, or a Mercedes, or a Range Rover, whatever, and the family will go out to look at his new car (he won't mention it, they'll just notice), and what will she and her husband do? Stay inside and look glum and mad. That's the attitude I'm talking about. It's ALL THE TIME when we don't even do anything! That's what I say she's jealous. She shouldn't be, we're family after all, why the competition? Shouldn't she be happy for her brother? We buy her kids presents for Christmas when she buys us ZERO in return, she should act a little happier, geez. That's why I hate Christmas over there too. I've decided I'm just going to family events that I have to go to like Mark's birthday and my birthday with his parents only, and Christmas and Thanksgiving. That's IT! Oh geez what about Mother's Day, hmmm. His sister is a freaking mom though, gag.

The first quarter of school is down and I got all A's, yay! I don't feel like I'm doing very well at school though. I'm going to be a Court Reporter and it's really about how well you write not about your grades, and I'm probably the slowest in the class even though I know I practice as much as everyone else I'm sure. The classes are freaking hard, and the homework takes hours and hours!

I've found a new addiction to replace World of Warcraft, not really because people aren't freaky about it and it doesn't consume your time like WoW (well it could) but Farmville. I thought it was so stupid, so so stupid and made fun of people who played it all the time, but I got bored when I had 4 days off from school so I tried it and got hooked. At least it's something to do. It doesn't keep me from my homework, I mean it's just crops growing, right? Well, it's more complicated than that, but I'm not missing raids and people aren't counting on me like in World of Warcraft. And it's not as social, it's still social, but people don't bicker and get all interconnected. It's FRIENDLY FARMING, lol. It's addictive though, I must say.

I didn't make my goal of losing 20 pounds by the end of the first quarter. I weighed myself yesterday and had lost 14.5 pounds, but then I don't know what happened, today is exactly 3 months since I started school so I weighed myself "officially" and I gained 1.5 pounds since yesterday. I guess sitting around playing Farmville isn't good for weight loss. So I lost 13 pounds (sigh). Well, maybe I can lose another 13 pounds this quarter. Seems like I've been sitting on about the same weight for weeks now though. I did eat a lot of almonds and a larabar right before bed though, that might have done it. I need to take my nighttime medications and get to bed, period.

I'm still Seroquel free! I don't know how long it's been, but it's amazing I've gone this long without Seroquel. I never thought I'd be able to go without it, like, ever, for the rest of my life. It feels good to be on less and less drugs as time goes by and still be stable.

Guess that's it, I think I hear that Mark is up so I'd better wrap it up.

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KansasSunflower
A bipolar girl trying to make sense of the world. Bipolar doesn't mean who I am, it just happens to be what I am, and does it really affect my day to day life? I'm trying to figure that out.
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