Sunday, November 28, 2010

Angry

I was in search of new friends, a "support group", if you will, so last week I made up my mind and went to church, but to a LifeGroup first (Sunday School) with women around my age.  I just didn't "click" with them.  They didn't seem to be my kind of friends.  I don't really know who would be any more.  I went to the Single and Married 40's Group, and I don't know, they just seemed to be older than me, and depressing.  And I got nothing from the message the leader taught.  There are other classes I can take, I may try those later.

When I left the class, I checked my iphone, and Mark had texted that HE was at church!  I couldn't believe it!  He hates that church, but for some reason, while I was in my LifeGroup, he showered, got dressed, and decided to meet me.  I thought wow...we're actually in synch spiritually, at least we're both searching for answers and more in our lives at the same time. 

I've felt so much better turning to God in the past few weeks, but I find myself slipping and dwelling on things I can't change, and once I get mad, I can't get over it.

Here's what happened, I'll try not to make it too long and boring.  Mark was a partner in his own company, along with 3 other guys about 5 years ago.  The President (Mark was the CTO) didn't pay taxes for several years, was the only one in the company who had his signature at the bank and check writing privileges on behalf of the company, and eluded the other partners from seeing anything financial about the company.  One of the partners hired an attorney because he didn't trust the President of the company, and not to make this story too long, he was voted out by the majority.  No one knew about the taxes yet.  YET.

To make it worse, the president was also Mark's best friend at the time, and Mark stood by him no matter what he was told.

After he was kicked out, a CPA came in and found out that the former partner hadn't paid taxes and over $35k was owed, and he hadn't been paying rent on their space either.  AND, while he wasn't paying the partners because he said there wasn't enough money, he was making large withdrawals for family vacations, etc.  No one knew, but this other partner was suspicious, rightfully so.

So Mark filled out document after document to the IRS, everything they wanted he did, every question they asked, he answered truthfully.  This was forever ago, the IRS has never contacted us.

Now Mark has been taking this new medication for ADD and is suddenly feeling more social, and he created a Facebook page and decided to add him as a friend.  As soon as he did, he got what I would consider a "blackmail" email from the former president.

It said that the IRS contacted him and told him he owed $118,000 in taxes for the company, and he has a payment plan of $3000/month.  (Wow!  Those penalty fees can really add up fast!)

So the guy had a tax attorney, had worked with the IRS, and no one contacted us, even though the IRS knows exactly where we live, everything about us.  They've decided he's responsible.  Mark has nothing to hide. 

His "blackmail letter" said that if each of the partners would call his IRS agent and arrange to send $25,000 apiece, he wouldn't turn them in as each of them were responsible.  It makes me CRAZY just to think about it!  Like he hasn't already tried this?  Like he didn't tell his tax attorney and the IRS agent that he had 3 other partners?  Of COURSE  he did!  He's such a weasel, what do you expect from someone who took large amounts of cash while others weren't getting paid, and we were within days of going into foreclosure at the time.

I found a link to this game show he had been on, Family Game Night or something like that that aired this month.  At the end of the show, his family won $20,000.  Are you freaking kidding me??  Does the IRS know about that?  I was so mad that I actually wanted Mark to press charges against him for blackmail.  I wanted to send him, his wife, anyone nasty emails, but I knew they could be used against us and Mark begged me not to contact them, just cut all Facebook, LinkedIn, and any other ties to him.  Mark of course unfriended him immediately.

I mean, how weird would that be, calling an IRS agent out of the blue and telling them you were sending them $25,000 when they hadn't asked for it from you and had already determined who was responsible.  Mark said a document he had attached showed they had put some sort of lien on everything he owns, not quite sure what that means, but Mark said it's very, very bad. 

I'm sad for his wife and kids, he screwed up and they are paying the price.  But to blackmail my husband, who had considered him at one time his best friend?  Who, until then, had made excuses for him no matter what I said?  He no longer does, but he doesn't seem mad about it at all. 

I've discovered that when people cross some sort of line in my mind, I'm not forgiving at all.  I don't know at what point that is, but it happens and it doesn't go away.  Maybe it's a sort of self-protection, to make sure it never happens again.  I can't forgive my mother, I don't have the least bit of remorse about my dad, and don't see myself ever forgiving this guy either.  I think it's when someone INTENTIONALLY tries to hurt me, not just once but numerous times, to me or to someone I love, I actually want to get back, I want to get even, but I think that would lead to emptiness, I wouldn't feel any better making that person miserable.  What happened still happened, that will never change.

All I can do is pray about it, but it's so HARD.  It's HARD for me to pray for those 3 people.  Right now I don't wish them well at all, what kind of person does that make me?  Vengeful?  What kind of Christian am I that I can't let go?  Life isn't always fair, people don't always do the right thing, but this guy always professed to be this great Christian, sharing his faith with everyone, what does it MEAN?  That he's a hypocrite?  No one is perfect, but most people know right from wrong. 

Blah, I typed way too much about that, it's just that it's on my mind and creates a lot of anxiety and anger in me when I think about it, which is often. 

I don't feel good about school AT ALL, but I suppose that's my fault.  I haven't been practicing at home.  I don't know what it will take to get me motivated, but I need to find a way - and fast.  I did spend an hour with a teacher who has written a book about Test Anxiety for Court Reporters who gave me great tips and her book, so I'm hoping that will help.  I think I might be able to pass the speed tests if I wouldn't freeze when they start.  My fingers literally will not move where they should when the teacher says "Alright, begin", and then starts dictating the test to us.  Without knowing it's a test, I do okay, but the minute she says it's a test, I panic.  If doing well in school freaks me out so much, why can't I take the extra time and practice at home?  I only have 3 weeks left before a 2 week break, but that's depressing.  I don't think I can pass 2 speed tests in that time to move up to the next level.

Medication.  I'm taking my normal stuff - Geoden, Zonegran, Lamictal and Klonipin along with Unisom to sleep.  Forget adding in anything else, my last episode and severe reaction with Saphris makes me not want to try anything new.  I hate being bipolar, but it's become a way of life for me.  I take meds at night, it's just so normal.  Was it ever any other way?  It seems like it's been like this my whole life, but of course it hasn't been.  I feel pretty good except for dwelling on people who have crossed me, so maybe I should count my blessings.

Chrismas shopping, ack.  I'm doing it all online again this year.
Friday, November 12, 2010

In Search Of

I'm lonely.  I don't know why I'm feeling it so strongly right now when nothing has changed lately, but I just feel the need for friends, for support. 

My old friend sent me a text and a message on facebook to get together, but I was sick and didn't get right back to her.  And to be honest, I haven't seen her since my 20's, when I was about 40 pounds lighter, and don't really want her to see me as having "gone downhill".  She was upset with me that I didn't call her back, text her back, or answer her on facebook.  I sent her a message eventually telling her I had been sick, but then she insulted me, and I can assume she thinks I don't know she did, but she just might know.  She wrote on a mutual friends wall something like "you'd better answer my calls and my texts or I'll start calling you you know who!".  Well that's our only mutual friend, she can only mean me, she never answered my message, and for some reason, it hurt my feelings.  I'm sure I hurt HER feelings, she doesn't understand why I never want to get together with her. 

What I'm thinking is, let the past go.  Maybe start new friendships and not worry about disappointing my old friends with who I am now.  I'm thinking of going to a new church that I've already reached out to some members on Sunday for a class for women my age, that's a start, right?  There's really no one at school that I've bonded with - I mean, I have "friends", but not "real friends".  What makes a real friend?  I don't know, someone that you do things with outside of mandatory functions, someone that you call on the phone, you confide in, a real friend.  I haven't had one in several years now. 

Mark is running into some issues at work with his newfound "speak his mind" attitude personality change from his ADHD medication.  I knew it would happen from what he was saying to me last weekend.  He sees it as a positive, like he saw it as a positive when he was bringing up things to me about me, but I didn't see it that way.  He likes saying what's on his mind, but I think....sometimes it's good to have a "filter" - to keep you from saying things that really shouldn't be said.  He said he told his psychiatrist that he was saying what was on his mind, and his doctor said that was a normal change for the medication.  I can't be there in the office and explain for Mark exactly what he is doing, just like I don't allow him to come to the psychiatrist with me (unless I am very depressed and have needed him to describe it).  I have to allow him to be who he is on this new medication, like it or not, just like he does for me when I try medications, and he dislikes what they do to me. 

I'm worried I'm failing in school.  It's like I'm clinging to hope - I'm listening to contemporary Christian music on satellite radio in the car, I'm not sure what it is I'm searching for, but there's an emptiness that I'm trying to fill.  Is it the feeling of failure?  Lack of closeness of friends? 

I don't know what the answer is, if it's the season and I'm missing my childhood extended family, or what it would take to make me feel complete.  There must be something, but what?  I pray about it, if it's God in my life, then I'm actively searching for that, too.
Thursday, November 11, 2010

I Hate New Meds

Oh my.  I'm so glad to be able to type this entry after yesterday!

I did exactly what my doctor told me to do after my last visit - stop the Geodon, and take 1 10 mg Saphris before bed, and if I wake up again in the middle of the night like I always do, take another.

Saphris was great - put me out within minutes of taking it, and I woke up at 1:30am.  Went downstairs, took another one, and was out again right away. 

I woke up at around 5 am, went for breakfast (I always eat 2 yogurts from McDonalds), got ready for school, and drove in.  That's when I realized something wasn't right.  I was a bit dizzy if I stopped the car too suddenly and just in general.

I was almost to school and noticed it was getting worse not better and had to make a judgement call, and so I went home.  I was so mad at myself, I wasn't really sick enough to NOT go to school, but I was afraid of what might happen if I did and my symptoms started to worsen.  I was convinced I was having Geodon withdrawals.

When I went home I went to bed, and woke up at noon to run to the bathroom and get sick.  That was the beginning of my nightmare.  I was so dizzy, getting sick about every hour, it would just make me feel better for about 10-15 minutes and then I'd feel awful again.

I called my doctor's office 3 times and he never called me back.  I called the pharmacy who told me they didn't know the withdrawal effects of Geodon, but the side effects of Saphris was nausea and vomiting.  I'd taken Saphis before so I didn't think that was it, but I'd never taken 2 in one night, only 1.

Finally it was 6:30p and I called my doctor on his after hours cell phone and told him what happened and he told me it was the Saphris and to stop taking it, but I didn't believe him.  I told him it was the Geodon because I had found posts on the internet where people had the same symptoms as mine for withdrawals, but he said no, Saphris wasn't the drug for me, and asked if I was still getting sick.  He seemed a bit rushed, but I could tell I called him on the way home in his car - I didn't care though.  It was the sickest I'd been since I can remember!

So when we got off the phone, I took a Geodon and went back to bed.  The only reason I hadn't taken one yet is because if it were withdrawal symptoms, I wanted to ride it out, I would have to go through them eventually and now was as good as time as ever.  I laid there waiting to feel better, and actually thought I did for awhile.  Your mind can be a powerful thing, convincing yourself of something that isn't true.  Eventually I was up getting sick again.  My doctor and the pharmacist were right - it was the Saphris.  I had been wrong all along.

I took 3 klonipin, and maybe it was just the timing, maybe it was the klonipin, but I actually fell asleep and woke up not as dizzy.  I went to the corner store and bought some ice cream in hopes the milk would help my stomach and it felt so incredibly empty, took my nighttime meds, and went back to bed.

Mark called from Chicago after going out to dinner with his friends to see how I was feeling, and I suppose the drugs really took effect because my stomach had been so empty and I couldn't form words to tell him what had happened.  He said we'd talk tomorrow when I was still trying to tell him it was the Saphris I think, I really don't remember.

So Saphris is out, and now I'm reluctant to try another drug for concentration.  Do you blame me?  I missed a day of school and during the whole ordeal, I had no idea when I'd be able to go back.  Luckily today is Veteran's Day and we have the day off.  I thought I'd be so bored, now I'm just glad I feel okay. 
Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Saphris, Not AGAIN!

I went to my psychiatrist today to get refills and tell him about my problem of studying at home - how I can't sit still long enough to do it.  He makes me so mad sometimes. 

He asked if I was taking Saphris, and I said no, but I couldn't remember why.  There are SO MANY drugs I have been on that I can't possibly remember why I  have stopped each and every one.  I made a guess and said that it might have been because I was waking up at 2:30 in the morning still.  I knew it was somewhere in my blog, but I couldn't exactly tell him that.  I don't want him to find this blog somehow and know what I REALLY think of him.  All he has to do is search for "psychiatrist with a twinkie on his forehead" and BAM, he's got my blog.  Although it does seem to me he's had some sort of surgery and the twinkie like growth is much reduced.  I find myself able to stare in his eyes now without worrying that he's thinking I'm looking at his twinkie.

So now I go back in my blog, and see I gained weight on Saphris, which he KNOWS that's an automatic "no way" kind of medication for me.  I researched the internet for Saphris and weight gain, and saw it was a common side effect - 14.7% of people gain 7% of their body weight or more.  Are you freaking kidding me? 

So that's probably why he said stop the Geodon, also an anti-psychotic and weight gainer, and start the Saphris, I think he said last time he thought one would even out the other hunger/weight wise, but I never did stop the Geodon last time. 

What to do, what to do, do I take this medicine or do I not?  Is it true, that it's my "bipolar mind" that makes my skin crawl and keeps me from studying when I'm all by myself at home, perhaps racing thoughts?  Makes sense, I can't sleep either without a ton of Unisom, but that's not the answer I wanted.  I wanted something that would help me focus and get me to practice and keep me practicing which I can't seem to do. 

I just remembered, I forgot to ask him for the name of a therapist.  I thought maybe that was an alternative answer - to work on my motivation perhaps - maybe that would be the answer. 

It's not as simple as discipline, I simply can't sit still for any length of time and practice by myself on my machine.  At school in a class I have no problem, but without distractions, it's horrible.   I try, but I find myself looking at the clock, wondering what Mark is doing, thinking about  how long I've been practicing, fidgeting, wondering if I can remove the arms on my chair, just anything and everything bothers me.  I can't FOCUS.  Yet it's weird, it doesn't happen at school, unless it's A&P and the teacher is talking about cells.  UGH.

It seems to me like I have an ADHD issue, but without Geoden, maybe I won't have a weight gain problem.  I'll try this for a week, one week is all I'll give it, and see what happens.  Besides, I read in my blog I wasn't even doing my homework when I was on Saphris last time, it DEmotivated me.  I skipped a day of school, too. 

I can't afford to go very long and gain weight and lose what little focus I have.  One week, and that's it.
Monday, November 08, 2010

Personality Change

My husband started taking medication for ADHD as he's been unable to concentrate at work, and his personality has totally changed!  I wouldn't necessarily say for the better, but I wouldn't say for the worse either.  There are good and bad things about it.  But what it's made me realize is...this is how he feels when I go through mood changes?  When I try a new medication, if I'm hypomanic or depressed all of a sudden, this is what it is like living with someone when their personality totally changes seemingly overnight?  It's difficult to live with, I don't know how he has done it for so many years.  It makes me feel unstable, what will he do next?  What will he say next?  What will he feel next?  Will he want to break up, what is he thinking?  Because I honestly do not know.  I know that sounds like I'm a bit insecure, but one night he probably said no less than 10 times to me "you don't love me".  He just said it over and over again, and he keeps talking about how he wants "romantic love".  We've actually raised our voices over his newfound issues!  But I can't say that he's doing anything that I've never done before, out of the blue.  I'm famous for saying "we have nothing in common", usually when I want to do something and he doesn't want to do it, and wanting to talk it out, how does that make him feel I wonder, I never thought about it. 

I asked him if he was going to tell his psychiatrist about the issues his medication was having on him.  He asked me if I'd ever told my psychiatrist about any negative concerns he'd had with any of my medications, when I thought the medication was working for me.  I guess I didn't.  He hated Seroquel for 9 years, and for 9 years, I took it and didn't tell my doctor I wrecked my car, I couldn't make it to work in the mornings, I fell asleep with food in my mouth on the couch at night, or that my spouse had real concerns about my using the medication. 

It's really difficult to watch - someone you know and love to go through such a personality change.  But now I know what it's like, how it feels to have someone close to you change so drastically.  It's unsettling when the person you thought you knew so well, all of sudden, you can't predict what they're going to do, say, or think. 

He's my rock, but it's only fair that I be his for a change.
Wednesday, November 03, 2010

Orphan

I will try not to make this a political entry, but it all started because of politics, so I don't know how to keep it from being one.

My father is the farthest left leaning liberal you can ever imagine.  He will actually go to the Republican primaries in his state and vote for the least worthy candidates, registering himself as a Republican to try and get the worst possible candidates on the ballot for Republicans, thus hoping to get a win for Democrats.  I think that's quite devious, the Republicans should get to choose their candidates, as should the Democrats, but he thinks he's so smart.

So I was a Democrat too, for many years, but came from one side of my family being staunch Republicans, and the other being solid Democrats, so I was exposed to both.  My father and I only exchanged emails, for many years, about politics, we discussed hardly anything else.  We had no relationship without politics and email.

So when Obama started doing things I didn't agree with, I did what I always do, voiced my opinions with him and expected him to accept them, he never had done anything other than that before.  My mistake - my views had never conflicted with his own, and I found how intolerable and stubborn he was.  He called me so many names, even telling me I wasn't a Christian, that I blocked him from my email list.  I told him first that I did, but really didn't, but then he called me a LOSER, so I blocked his email "for real" after that.  I don't think he thought I would get his email because I told him he was blocked.  Doesn't matter, calling your daughter a loser for her political beliefs or any reason seems unthinkable to me.

So now many of the people in the United States have used their voice to show their discontent with the road our country is on, including me, and I want to tell him "see?  I'm not the only one!" but I can't.  It would appear that he's cut off communication from me as well after I lit into him for calling him for calling me a loser and telling him I received that email.

So many people have at least one caring parent, why was I dealt with two failures as parents?  My dad even told me one time he was sorry that I had been given the hand I was by way of parents.  Therapists I've gone to have shaken their heads at me when I tell them about my parents, how uncaring and selfish they are.  I would love nothing more than to have a real relationship with either of my parents, I so long for that, but they are children themselves that can't even take care of their own emotional needs, how would they not just drain me dry while I parent them?  And they have, they are too much for me, I've cut my mother out of my life, and now my father. 

I see people mourn the loss of a parent when they pass away, what about someone who's parents are still alive, yet they might as well be dead to them?  I didn't choose my parents, but I did choose not be belittled and abused by them.  If my Dad wanted a relationship, and I've told him this, he could always call me.  But has he?  No, and this has been since February, almost a year.  He doesn't care about me, his own stubborness is worth the loss of a non-existent relationship of his daughter.  His answer was to send me Michael Moore DVD's to "enlighten me", which I told him I promptly through in the trash without viewing.  He said that was the most caring thing he could ever do for me, to show me the truth.  I said I wasn't interested in propaganda.

So if I am no longer a liberal, I'm a centrist, I don't deserve his love?  But did I ever really have it?  Political views volleyed back and forth is hardly a caring relationship. 

I know my parents are alive, but I feel like an orphan.  When they pass away, I will have no regrets about getting to know them.  I have no intention, if they ask, of caring for them in their old age.  We are strangers, this is the path they chose, not me.  I doubt my other half siblings will be in a financial place to care for them, so that leaves me, I doubt that either parent is thrifty enough to be saving for retirement, but that was their choice too. 

What is so wrong with me that my own parents cannot love or accept me?  Why am I the adult over my parents?  I would wonder if I was just taking it too far if therapists hadn't confirmed to me that I was doing was the right thing, and one therapist was the one who TOLD me to cut my mother out of my life.  But should put up with the abuse for the sake of a relationship with my mother and/or father?  The therapists think severing the ties with my mother forever is best, and with my father, for now is best.

With my father, it's a chess game, and it's his move.  But I don't think he'll take it.  He's already said I've disappointed him, no matter what else I've accomplished in my life, over my current political views. 

Mark's parents and family are awesome, I can't imagine coming from a family that loves you and accepts you as much as his does, and they do of me as well.  It shows me what a true family is supposed to be like, and I've never had that. 

I know there are some who will violently disagree with me "but that's your mother, that's your father, you should work on a relationship no matter what", but when does enough become enough?  How many times do you try to have a relationship with someone that pushes you away and obviously doesn't care if you have one, ever?  To many parents, that probably seems unfathomable, I'm not a parent, but if I had a child, I cannot imagine doing that to them. 

It's sad, but I really am an orphan with both parents still alive.  And I'm okay with that - better to stay emotionally stable then get hurt and depressed because my parents reject me.   
Tuesday, November 02, 2010

Trip to San Antonio

Mark and I went to San Antonio for 3 days, as that was what I wanted for our 3 year anniversary.  He still sent flowers and gave me the sweetest card. 

Once we arrived, I hadn't planned anything to do for the rest of the day, and suddenly Mark felt pressure to find something for us to do.  We both felt pressure to have fun and were walking around the Riverwalk, and finally I said let's just chill and sit down and have a drink.  So we did, and I drank a couple of glasses of wine AND a shot, so not me. 

While we were sitting there, they had a Halloween parade on boats down the Riverwalk which was interesting, but I suggested we go to a Comedy Club that I had seen on the way.

When they were seating us, I noticed there was only one table left in the front, right in front of the comedians, and that's where they sat us.  I thought "oh no, we're going to get heckled!", but it turned out ok.  People were dressed for Halloween so we were safe. : )  One comedian told me he loved my laugh, and the last comedian was from New York and asked everyone if they watched Jersey Shore.  I'd had 2 more drinks and another shot by then, so I readily admitted it.  He started going off about it, but thank God it wasn't directed at me.

He ended up being the worst tranquilist I'd ever seen. Not that he wasn't funny - he was, but his lips moved when he was talking for the dummy as much as when he was talking for himself.  Mark and I laughed about that as much as we did the jokes.  It was hard not to watch him instead of the dummies.  A couple of times I thought "omg, that dummy is looking straight at me, he's going to say something about me", then thought "duh, he's a dummy". 

Because I drank so much, I snored a LOT and LOUD and Mark didn't bring his earplugs, apparently he's stopped using them.  I woke myself up because I was snoring even, and realized how bad it was.  I rolled over and went back to sleep, so I hope I didn't snore anymore.  I heard a lot about it for the rest of the trip.

The next day, we went to Fiesta, TX (on Halloween), which is a cool place to go, then we went to our anniversary dinner at this remote place on a Farm and Country road.  The food was great, wine was better, and atmosphere was so romantic.  I checked the score of the Texas Rangers on my iphone when Mark was at the table (I know, bad me), and again when he left for the bathroom.  I mean really, the Rangers were in the World Series, how could I not be curious!  When I was checking it once, the waiter even asked me what the score was (he knew were were from Dallas)!

Memories - that's what I wanted for my anniversary, not anything material that Mark could give me.  Memories stay with you forever, usually a material item loses its novelty over time (except my Rolex). 

I never made it to the drugstore to buy more Unisom so I could sleep without Seroquel, so I ended up taking probably less than 25mg per night to sleep.  Even the slightest bit makes me so hungry the next day, I eat way too much proportion wise, and then I start thinking about the next meal.  I bought more Unisom today, so we'll see how I sleep tonight.  It's been raining all day, so hopefully it will help me drift off to sleep.

I've got to get to the psychiatrist and ask for a referral for a therapist so she can help me with school, motivation wise.  I just don't practice at home, and I know I'm not motivated because I'm not the "best" from my starting class in January.  That's just how I've always been - all or nothing.  There are only 3 of 15 of us left in school onground (they have an online class too), so that's just 1/5 of my class.  They say court reporting school is very hard, and it is.  The hardest thing I've ever done.  Why can't I just be better at it?  I totally don't understand. 

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