Anxiety, Does It Ever Go Away?

So I'm back to taking Geodon.  I'm prescribed one 80-mg capsule nightly, so what I do is open up the capsule, and a lot of the powder falls out just from doing that.  I don't turn the other half of the capsule upside down, but I scrape as much as I can out of it which might be about a third of what's left, put the capsule back together, and that's what I take.  I go to the psychiatrist soon for a refill of Klonipin (he gives me a year's supply of refills on everything but that), so I plan on asking him for a lower dose, maybe the lowest possible capsule dose of Geodon that's possible.  Surely he'll lower the dose since I'm doing it myself already.  Sometimes I find myself in arguments with him over medication, I've left his office crying because I didn't agree with him on medication, but he's always been right.  However, I'm doing fine on a lower dosage of Geodon, I've been doing this for a long time now, I just couldn't handle NO Geodon.  But...I'm hoping that with a lower dose, eventually I can do the same thing with that capsule - open it up, take out half the powder, and maybe, in the not so near future, I won't need Geodon at all.  It's just the anxiety, if I could get the anxiety to go away, I would be fine.  I think if I could wean myself off the Geodon, my body would get used to not having an anti-psychotic numbing me and I wouldn't feel anxious without it.  I mean, I felt really anxious for awhile when I quit Seroquel, and now I'm no longer taking it and feel fine without it.  So doesn't it make sense that Geodon would work the same way? 

I worry about crazy things like - what long term effects will taking anti-psychotics have on my brain when I'm elderly?  Will I develop Alzheimer's when I'm older because of it?  My psychiatrist is also a neurologist so I'm going to ask him about that.  I know he'll say there's no research to indicate that, blah blah, of course there isn't, it hasn't been around long enough for people who have taken it long term to reach their twilight years.  I'm not planning on doing away with any of my other medication, just anti-pyschotics.  I read so many bad things about them that it scares me.  It really bothers me that I can't seem to just stop taking Geodon on my own.  I guess if I had a drawerful of Valium to cope with the anxiety, but what good would that be, to substitute one drug for anxiety over another?  He says I have an anxiety disorder, but I don't believe that.  Yes, I have panic attacks, but they've become few and far between, and I have klonipin for that, and I basically OD on klonipin when they happen.  They're bad, but it's not the same as anxiety.  And we're not talking weekly, maybe a few times a year is all.  To be fair, without Geodon, it might be more, but at the same time, I quit Seroquel, and my panic attacks did not go up in frequency.

We bought a new treadmill yesterday, and I plan on starting the Couch to 5k program tomorrow.  It lasts for 9 weeks, and you're supposed to be able to run continuously for 30 minutes, 5k, by the end of 9 weeks.  I am SO not a runner, never have been, not even in the slightest.  I have very long legs, but I don't have any stamina.  The long strides don't help any when you feel like you can't breathe.  I've tried the program before (it's an app on my iPhone, it's so cool, tells you when to start walking, when to start running, etc.)  and got to maybe week 6 and then hurt my arm and stopped.  I started school after that and didn't want to start at Week 1 all over again.  For me, it was REALLY hard, but do-able.  I felt such a sense of accomplishment each day I ran.  (well really, walked/ran)  It's kind of disheartening when your husband runs about 6-7 miles every day at a 7.2 pace, and it's all you do to run at a 4.5 pace, but I have to start somewhere.  How did he start running?  No program.  He just got on the treadmill and ran for a full 15 minutes at 4.5 on the first day.  He laughs about it now.  If I could do that?  Oh my gosh, I will have to train for weeks just to be able to do what he did on his first day.  Some people were born with stamina, some weren't.  But I've heard so many people say that if they could do it, because they totally weren't natural runners, anybody could, so that's my motivation.

School is school.  I'm going every day and hoping that I'm getting better just by getting practice every day.  It seems so slow, and I've seen people in my new speed that have been there for months - several quarters even!  I know I'm very slow at picking this up, so I don't see how I could be any better than the slower ones, but I'm not giving up.  I won't give up until I'm done or they kick me out.  And boy would my husband be mad if I ever did anything to make them kick me out.  Not to mention how heartbroken I would be.  I would be devastated.

We went to church today, and I got to thinking, we've been going to this church since last November, maybe it's time we should consider becoming members.  I told Mark we should find out the steps to becoming members, and what it meant to be a member.  He agreed.  Maybe we'll find out that being members of the church just isn't for us, that being attendees is enough.  Or maybe we'll find out that's the natural next step for us.  Either way, it does seem like a big step for me.  I haven't been a member of a church since I was in high school.  I don't want to sign anything that says "I believe this and this", I just don't think that's right, and I don't think this church would make you do that.  They're not political, they're not condemning, they're not demanding, they just give good messages every Sunday that you can apply to your daily life, along with aha! moments in your faith. 

I'm so not tired tonight, I should be sleeping, not sure why I'm not already asleep.  Didn't drink any caffeine except for the cup of coffee this morning.  I feel, I hate to say it, anxious.  I feel that way sometimes at night and it keeps me from sleeping.  Maybe it's the bipolar in me, racing thoughts that cause anxiety.   But on most nights, I fall asleep right away.  Just not sure why not tonight.

Well, heading back to bed, wish me luck for sleep this time!

   

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