Anyways, besides my disagreeing with what he was saying under his breath, he changed one of my medications. He took me off Geodon and put me on Latuda. I had a million "NO's" for him, a list of reasons why I should not take a new medication, but the medication met all my rules, I researched it on the internet just now, and it seems do-able. My MAIN rule is that it cannot be a weight gainer, and he went through a ton of literature of trials proving to me that it did not, what the placebo vs the trial did, etc. When I got home and did my own research, I found people proclaiming that had LOST weight on Latuda, not gained! That's not what the trials say, but ok, we'll see. If I just stop getting hungry from taking Geodon, I'll lose weight from just that!
He also told me a very calming story. He's not a therapist, so don't expect him to be one, I actually find him to be anti-social. But when I told him what Mark said to me, he kind of smiled and said "oh my...", and then told me a story about St. Augustine in the Catholic Church (I guess he's Catholic) and what he said about love. He described love and desire - as love matures, desire wanes (my words, not his), but love grows stronger. He said that's natural in marriages. But I didn't say - yet my husband said he questions his love for me.
I'm finding it very hard to come to terms with what Mark said to me. I just spoke to him on the phone, and it was strained although we had a more civil conversation. At the end I said aren't you going to tell me you love me? because we always say it to each other at the end of a call, and he said I'm trying, I can tell you are too, but I'm in a hard place after the last call, then he said it and I did too.
The thing is, I just went to church and I didn't do anything! What the hell did I do? I feel like I'm going to school and bam, he's just attacking me and I have no recourse. I don't have a job, I don't have anything. There's nothing I can do, just take it. And I think he has less respect for me BECAUSE I don't have a job and am not a contributor to society, he's just like that. He considers himself an "objectionist", you know, an Ayn Rand follower. And I think he really resents me for whatever reason. He's mad as hell. I'm not sure exactly why, but I have a few guesses.
I hope this new medicine works, it would be nice not to feel so much, but like I told my psychiatrist, wouldn't anyone be upset????