New Medication, Try It Tonight

So I just got back from the psychiatrist, and I was really upset and crying in his office (see last blog post).  I told him I HAD been in a really great place until yesterday, when Mark just crushed me with his comments.  I told him I thought it was situational, that a little pill wasn't going to fix it.  He always disagrees with me.  His solution was to try something that would make me less sensitive, not feel so "broken", I think he even used the term narcissistic to describe me.  ME?  SERIOUSLY?  As in, if anybody says anything negative about me I am overly upset.  He didn't SAY those exact words, but he said something about it being a narcissistic quality.  Yes, maybe narcissism goes with bipolar mania, but I'm not in a bipolar mania, I'm far from narcissistic, I'm very self critical, and I do get upset when others criticize me, to the point of withering.  Just melting away.  How is being "broken" if someone says something critical of you a narcissistic quality?

Anyways, besides my disagreeing with what he was saying under his breath, he changed one of my medications.  He took me off Geodon and put me on Latuda.  I had a million "NO's" for him, a list of reasons why I should not take a new medication, but the medication met all my rules, I researched it on the internet just now, and it seems do-able.  My MAIN rule is that it cannot be a weight gainer, and he went through a ton of literature of trials proving to me that it did not, what the placebo vs the trial did, etc.  When I got home and did my own research, I found people proclaiming that had LOST weight on Latuda, not gained!  That's not what the trials say, but ok, we'll see.  If I just stop getting hungry from taking Geodon, I'll lose weight from just that! 

He also told me a very calming story.  He's not a therapist, so don't expect him to be one, I actually find him to be anti-social.  But when I told him what Mark said to me, he kind of smiled and said "oh my...", and then told me a story about St. Augustine in the Catholic Church (I guess he's Catholic) and what he said about love.  He described love and desire - as love matures, desire wanes (my words, not his), but love grows stronger.  He said that's natural in marriages.  But I didn't say - yet my husband said he questions his love for me. 

I'm finding it very hard to come to terms with what Mark said to me.  I just spoke to him on the phone, and it was strained although we had a more civil conversation.  At the end I said aren't you going to tell me you love me?  because we always say it to each other at the end of a call, and he said I'm trying, I can tell you are too, but I'm in a hard place after the last call, then he said it and I did too.

The thing is, I just went to church and I didn't do anything!  What the hell did I do?  I feel like I'm going to school and bam, he's just attacking me and I have no recourse.  I don't have a job, I don't have anything.  There's nothing I can do, just take it.  And I think he has less respect for me BECAUSE I don't have a job and am not a contributor to society, he's just like that.  He considers himself an "objectionist", you know, an Ayn Rand follower.  And I think he really resents me for whatever reason.  He's mad as hell.  I'm not sure exactly why, but I have a few guesses.

I hope this new medicine works, it would be nice not to feel so much, but like I told my psychiatrist, wouldn't anyone be upset????


Hotbrain said...

Yes, I think anyone would be upset! What he said isn't nice. As for why he would say that - there must be something going on in his mind - who knows what... More than likely it has more to do with himself than with you. Sometimes when people criticize it's because of their own insecurities about themselves. But that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

I really hope things get better for you soon! And that the new medicine works out...

KansasSunflower said...

Thanks Hotbrain, you may be right, it could have more to do with his own insecurites because he IS insecure, but you're also right, that doesn't make it hurt any less.

Thanks - I hope my new medicine works too!

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