What the HELL?

I started working out on Monday and eating more healthy and had been feeling really good, and then we went to church today.  I don't know WHAT Mark took away from the sermon, but I guess he felt an overwhelming sense of something about our relationship and me in particular of things he didn't like.  He was rambling about how he could never talk to me about things without me crying and feeling insufficient and he was so scared of that, but then he said that he questioned his love for me sometimes.  I mean WHAT?  Really?  So then you're not going to tell me WHY or what I'm doing?  He wouldn't talk after saying that, and I'm just supposed to drop it, pretend like he hadn't said anything?  I said do we need counseling?  And he said yes, and I told him to find one he trusted because I didn't want to find one that he didn't like, and then we went in to a restaurant for lunch.  As we were sitting there, I just kept getting more and more upset until we finally left before we had ordered. 

I mean, it was like the big elephant in the room, you're going to tell me sometimes you question your love for me, but not tell me WHY? 

So I told him I was in a good place right now compared to the past, to just TELL ME whatever it was.  After going on and on and on and on about just telling me about telling me, he finally said, and I am putting this WAY better than he did because he was pretty damned rude, but I wasn't putting my all into school like he did work, like practicing at home, and I didn't go to school everyday, some days I just lounged around.  I told him that I was reading a book (The Spark, very motivational), and had set new goals, and practicing was one of them.  And actually, though I didn't tell him this, I'm one of the more regular attendees at school, most people are gone a freaking lot compared to me.  Then I brought up our sex life, and somehow my weight got mentioned, and he actually started to cry about how my gaining weight hurt him, I didn't understand how much it had affected him or something like that.  (sorry, I started this post yesterday, and am picking up today, the next day). 

So I was just in shock all the rest of the day yesterday, I couldn't talk to him, I couldn't look at him, I didn't want anything to do with him.  I left for school before he had left the house today and I didn't tell him goodbye, he was still working out.  So he called when I got home from school and I was playing Wii Tennis as part of my cardio for the day, and I told him I was in the middle of it and we hung up.  I wasn't going to call him back, but then I got to thinking "wait, I don't want him to think I'm just sitting home playing a computer game..." so I called him back and told him I was playing Wii for my cardio for the day, not just sitting around playing a computer game.  He said he knew that, I had told him that on Saturday when I did it. 

So I said really?  You're going to tell your wife that she's fat and lazy and that you question if you love her, and you think the relationship is going to continue?  I couldn't believe it, he agreed that he said all those things - fat, lazy, questioned if he loved me, so I didn't misunderstand him, even though I waayyyy oversimplified what he said.  He didn't take them back the way I said them either.  How am I supposed to continue in this relationship? 

I don't even see him the same way now.  I'm not saying that I'm not fat, if I didn't think I wasn't fat I wouldn't be exercising and dieting, well, maybe I would, I've made a lifestyle change but I just started last Monday.  But I was SO excited about it and hadn't felt so good in a long time, I think from all the exercise, and then THIS. 

And yes, I should be practicing my steno for school each day, I can't argue that.  I don't practice most days. 

But he really resents me, in a major way.  And what really gets me is he said he'd been praying about it all through church, WHAT THE HELL?  I told him I had noticed he wasn't paying attention in church and he said he'd been distracted, and this is what he was thinking about?  Somehow the sermon led him to think his wife was fat and lazy and questioned if he loved her?  SERIOUSLY?  I'm never going back to church with him again.

OH!  And he said we go out to dinner on dates on Friday night I don't "make myself HOT" for him.  I don't have a lot of clothes because I've gained weight, but I wear the nicest I can, I do my hair, I put on makeup, I really do try to look the best I can, and that's not enough? 

He said it hurts him that I have gained weight and that I don't care enough about him to look the best that I can for him.  He lost about 60 pounds about 5 years ago, but you know what?  I love him just as much then as I do now.  I didn't think of him as fat then, and I would certainly never have called him fat. 

So we argued on the phone, tit for tat, you did this to me, but you did this to me, back and forth, and finally I just said goodbye.  I told him this must be your way of ending the relationship, you don't want to do it, you want me to do it.  He disagreed, but what the HELL?  Who in their RIGHT MIND calls their wife fat and lazy and says they question if they love them and expects that person to stay?

And WHY would that person who was told those things by someone that was supposed to love them forever WANT to stay? 


Meg said...

You guys might benefit from couples counseling with someone experienced at your church. In the Bible, second to honor and obey God is honor and lift up your spouse. I think your husband has lost sight of that here.

KansasSunflower said...

Thanks Meg, totally agree. He suggested counseling to get this out and I drug it out of him. I didn't know that to lift up your spouse was so high on the list. I'm going to suggest couple's counseling.

The Bipolar Diva said...

I'm sorry. I hate times like that. We're actually in counseling now. It's only gotten worse. The counselor said "it gets worse before it gets better." Great, just great.

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