Anxiety and Counseling

Since I stopped taking Geodon and switched to Latuda, I've lost almost 10 pounds.  But I've also been dieting and on the Couch to 5k Running Program (on Week 6 out of 9 weeks).  Some of it is from the anxiety I feel almost all of the time, it takes my hunger away.  I don't know if it's because of the absence of Geodon which really calmed me, almost dulled me, or what it is.  But I do feel a tremendous amount of anxiety.  My doctor cut down my klonipin last time I saw him from 3 per day to 2 per day, and since I was taking 2 every night to sleep, I cut it back to 1 per night so I'd have a cushion for panic attacks that might arise.  So there are lots of reasons for the anxiety I feel.  But I keep telling myself, people actually PAY to feel anxious like this so they aren't hungry (phentermine), so maybe it's not such a bad thing.

Mark and I are still in marriage counseling.  We each completed "emotional questionnaires" and faxed them to our counselor, and in our last session, she had our top 5 needs that we had indicated, and our satisfaction charted, with a level of satisfaction tallied at the bottom for each of us.  All of us were surprised that I was more unhappy in the marriage than Mark was.   I mean, I knew I wasn't thrilled in the marriage, but Mark made it sound like it was such a dire situation, that how in the world could *I* be more unhappy than HIM?  But apparently I am, and although I said we weren't really there for me, I was fine, the counselor said "obviously I wasn't fine", and we each went over our top 5 needs, and she discussed some of the comments that we'd made on the questionnaire.  Some were hard for me to hear, but I think it was harder for Mark, believe it or not.  I had already heard what he was unhappy with in our previous session, nothing was new to me. 

But it's opened the door to open and honest communication, and our marriage is already better.  We're both trying to work on improving the needs of the other person, what the other person indicated they aren't getting, and it seems like it's helping.  What is really hard for me, though, is that he feels like I've "let myself go".  I mean, I can cry and cry about it, but what good would that do?  All I can do is buy new clothes, keep exercising and dieting, get manis and pedis, buy shoes, you know, all kinds of girlie things that girls are supposed to love to do that I've neglected to do for awhile.  And to be honest, I've neglected my friends because I've been embarrassed of the way I look, so it's good for me to do these things to feel good about myself, too.  Why I think it's okay for me to look a certain way for my husband but not for my friends shouldn't be right.  And "attractiveness of spouse" is high on his list.  He goes overboard taking care of himself, it's just...I don't know, I guess I got comfortable and sloppy about it because I'm in school, gained weight because of meds, I could list a hundred reasons but in the end, does it really matter?  It doesn't mean that my feelings aren't really hurt though.

I've heard people say that when someone is depressed, sometimes they feel anxious instead of depressed.  In that case, I may be really depressed.  I don't really know what to think of all of this anxiety.



5 comments:

Gledwood said...

Akh I am MANIC. (A bit manic, anyhow......) Why does everyone hate me are my comments really so over the top? I can think of one person in particular who has never spoken to me again after a particularly venomous rant not directed at them but at the person who ROBBED THEM, the subject of their post. I gave it both barrels and this person, who has not one but 2 bipolar siblings cannot handle my forthrightness. What's wrong with being forthright? I'm not rude, just frank. When I rant I try not to be offensive. I do try....

That Latuda or Latudina stuff sounds very good. Is it any good for sleep though. I mean quetiapine/seroquel is meant to be good enough that most people don't need any knockout drops on top. My dr gave me zopiclone which is like Lunestra (nearest equivalent) but ummed and arred and tutted over it for over 5 mins before capitulating and writing out the script. for FOURTEEN pills. stingy cow. Couldn't understand how I can be on risperidone and not sleeping. She should try taking it. Fact was I was off risperidone that week as I had a lovely hypomania going (very immature I know) I'm on it again but already feel like a berk for having taken it when I'm hyper. Hyperosity is a thing to be cherished. You know I had 20 YEARS of depression before I ever got truly manic. Just little tinges of it that were slight enough to get me accused of being bipolar by anyone who had a bipolar relative, or had done a lot of mental hospital time... and yet to be written off as a psychological hypochondriac by one member of the medical profession in particular. Until I came into drs offices RAGINGLY manic. Then suddenly they listened to me. And I've been listened to ever since.

Doncha just love the names they come up with for these pills. Abilify ~ pretty obvious meaning there. Geodon: does that one somehow "ground you"..? Latudina ~ puts you on a flat line or what?

Lovely HEROIN put my moods on a flatline for years (hence causing endless diagnostic confusion as I never went to an appointment without the stuff in me: no addict ever does). Soon as the heroin was gone and lousy methadone was doing its non-job of holding me I was very obviously cycling and quickly diagnosed schizoaffective. Even worse than I'd expected. I could see the bipolar part. I mean in the end you have to be blind not to notice you're lunging and plunging like that. But schizophrenia: hitting the full diagnostic criteria? No I did not think I was schizo!! I just thought I was tripping! (On nothing, it has to be said, though I did have a fantasy about a magic elf injecting me with LSD analogues and other designer psychedelics every night...)

Best of luck with the marriage stuff. I won't say anything else....

KansasSunflower said...

Gledwood - I don't hate you, I adore you! : ) No, Latuda does nothing for sleep. Not at ALL! The only thing I was taking for sleep was Geodon, now that is gone. So now I take 1 klonipin and 3 over the counter sleeping pills. That's it. That's a far cry from when I was being knocked out by Seroquel and Geodon nightly. However, it's much easier to wake up and be coherent in the morning now. You're taking 14 pills? Yikes, that sounds like too many, but what do I know. I take 4, which still seems like a lot, but at one point I was on 7, so I'm not complaining!

Gledwood said...

NO! My bitch doctor gave me a supply for just 14 sleepers. They're Lunestra but one molecule out. So if you find Lunestra good for sleep you'll like zopiclone. I suspect zopiclone might be stronger because it's banned from the American market. Quite possibly because it has this side-effect of blanking the memory. Meaning somebody can phone you after you take it and you end up babbling sweet nothings like "come and live in my house" that you are completely flabberghasted by when your offer is enthusiastically accepted next day!

I'm after Seroquel now. Did you know my Risperidone was actually CAUSING my anxiety. It got bad enough to go into pretty full panic attacks. With hallucinatory elements. Ie really horrible. And I thought this was all part of my illness, that the pills were if anything damping the anxiety down. I've had NO anxiety just before going on the pills (though I was very very manic and over-excited I was agitated, not fearful, worried and anxious at all; in factI was the very opposite of anxious)... the anxiety only showed when my mood had swung down considerably.

I can't BELIEVE I have felt it necessary to take VALIUM all because of some fucking drug side effect! I will NOT tolerate anxiety. It is the psychiatric symptom I deplore most. (Far more than depression. The research indicates that depression with anxiety is FAR FAR more likely to result in suicide than straight depression (which I get). So this fucking Risperidone nearly fucked my life up. I am not tolerating feeling shit like that. I have discontinued forthwith and if they cannot get me to a doctor who will give me what I want and need ... well then I'll just go on taking nothing. But I'm not compromising on this.

I find the bipolar symptoms I get far easier to deal with than anxiety. I always found it paradoxical that manic depression is considered a serious mental disorder... yet a panic attack is just about as horrible as it's possible for a person to feel! When the walls were talking to me I was laughing my head off at the things they said. Psychosis is nowhere near as scary as they make out. Or maybe I'm lucky and just get the more entertaining version. I do also get paranoia and stuff. But even that's not as bad as anxiety.

I just WISH I HAD A DOCTOR TO GIVE ME THIS QUETIAPINE I NEED. I've heard it's a really good sleeper. Perhaps I won't need to be asking for constant zopiclone scripts on that...

Wishing you peace, love and a chilled out weekend. Well as chilled out as possible under the circumstances...

:-)...

eternalvow7 said...

Please don't be embarrassed on how you look, I bet you look pretty in person. By what I can read, it seems that this marriage counseling has indeed unraveled some shocking things in your marriage. I sincerely wish that you both will be able to make it through.

If it's okay with you, can you please look up in this counseling site? Can you please evaluate if their services would be effective in marriage counseling. Thank you so much. :)

Counselling Southampton said...

Everyone of us as its unique characteristics. that what made us special among the crowd. I hope you can manage to be proud and confident about yourself. Try to get help from a trusted counselor. They will surely help you.

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