Mark and I are still in marriage counseling. We each completed "emotional questionnaires" and faxed them to our counselor, and in our last session, she had our top 5 needs that we had indicated, and our satisfaction charted, with a level of satisfaction tallied at the bottom for each of us. All of us were surprised that I was more unhappy in the marriage than Mark was. I mean, I knew I wasn't thrilled in the marriage, but Mark made it sound like it was such a dire situation, that how in the world could *I* be more unhappy than HIM? But apparently I am, and although I said we weren't really there for me, I was fine, the counselor said "obviously I wasn't fine", and we each went over our top 5 needs, and she discussed some of the comments that we'd made on the questionnaire. Some were hard for me to hear, but I think it was harder for Mark, believe it or not. I had already heard what he was unhappy with in our previous session, nothing was new to me.
But it's opened the door to open and honest communication, and our marriage is already better. We're both trying to work on improving the needs of the other person, what the other person indicated they aren't getting, and it seems like it's helping. What is really hard for me, though, is that he feels like I've "let myself go". I mean, I can cry and cry about it, but what good would that do? All I can do is buy new clothes, keep exercising and dieting, get manis and pedis, buy shoes, you know, all kinds of girlie things that girls are supposed to love to do that I've neglected to do for awhile. And to be honest, I've neglected my friends because I've been embarrassed of the way I look, so it's good for me to do these things to feel good about myself, too. Why I think it's okay for me to look a certain way for my husband but not for my friends shouldn't be right. And "attractiveness of spouse" is high on his list. He goes overboard taking care of himself, it's just...I don't know, I guess I got comfortable and sloppy about it because I'm in school, gained weight because of meds, I could list a hundred reasons but in the end, does it really matter? It doesn't mean that my feelings aren't really hurt though.
I've heard people say that when someone is depressed, sometimes they feel anxious instead of depressed. In that case, I may be really depressed. I don't really know what to think of all of this anxiety.