I went to Denver to meet with my family over my dad's death.  He was cremated, so there was no funeral.  We all met at my sister's mother's house (his ex-wife's, but they were still good friends), and it was nice.  My aunt had made a video with pictures and music, one of his friends brought his guitar and sang songs that my dad liked, and people told stories. 

I found out that I wasn't the only one that my dad was "freaking out" on in the last few years.  He was doing that to almost everyone.  He would just get really intense, insane, freaked out that you were wrong and he was right, and cause all kinds of problems.  I guess they talked to each other and found out he was going through difficulties, I decided not to put up with it.

It's all very sad.  When I was meeting with my family, it was probably one of the first times I let myself cry.  His friend was playing all of these songs that he liked, and I was surrounded by people that loved him, and it was just very hard.  I stayed as long as I could, and then left.  I realize I went all the way to Denver, and then stayed maybe 3 hours with my family.  That's all I could handle, but at least I wasn't the first to leave, not nearly. 

My sister and I didn't talk much, there was too much going on.  Mark was very quiet, but he usually is in situations where he doesn't know people, except maybe at work.  Afterwards, he asked me how could we even be compatible, I guess by the way my dad was portrayed.  I asked him if he is the same as how one of his parents would be portrayed if they died.  He said no, so he finally got it.  I thought it was kind of a rude thing to say, actually.  But my dad and Mark are virtual opposites.  The biggest being Mark is very materialistic and my dad just wasn't.  Not at all.  Politically they couldn't be more far apart, the way they view the world, just everything.  I can't say who is right and who is wrong.  I see both sides.  I do see one side as being more selfish, however.  But I'm not even saying I'm not on that side.  I don't even know where I stand on anything anymore.

I had told my school that I was going to be gone for a few days because my dad had died, and today I was sitting in class when my cell phone rang (it was on silent but I saw a number pop up).  I listened to the voicemail and it was the director asking me if I needed to take a leave of absence.  Yes, she knows my dad died, but what the hell?  Why do I need to take a leave of absence when I'm SITTING IN CLASS?  So during break I hopped onto my laptop and sent her an email.  Maybe she was trying to be caring, but really?  I'm at school and you ask if I need a leave of absence?

I had separation anxiety from my dog, leaving him at a kennel for the first time since I got him.  It was a nice kennel, every dog had their own "room" with a door with a glass panel, and they were walked 4 times a day and had group time and I don't know what else.  I guess he found a friend while he was there, but when I went to pick him up, he cried almost the whole way home like he wasn't happy when he was there, and when we pulled up in the driveway, he REALLY started crying until he got into the house.  He panted heavily the whole way home, was almost shaking, or maybe he was shaking, I don't remember, I could just tell he wasn't happy.  Maybe I'll need to find a new kennel for next time, or maybe it was just the fact he was away from home for the first time and being from a shelter, he didn't know if I was going to come back for him or not.  I sure missed my little dog though!  I didn't know how attached to him I had become!

I'm still thinking through things, so much going on.  Marriage counseling, death, and lots of other things.  I guess I'm still somewhat sane, that's a positive.


Gledwood said...

Well done on going.

Kara said...

With everything going on and staying somewhat sane...girl, that is a huge positive!

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