Is It The End?

I ran my Couch to 5k program today Week 5 Day 3 which was running for 20 minutes without stopping.  I did it, which was incredible, but I did have to slow down the speed halfway through.  No matter, I still ran for 20 minutes nonstop.

I feel like my marriage is crumbling and there's nothing I can do.  I am so anxious I can hardly concentrate at school, I don't have much of an appetite, I cry at times.  My husband goes to dinner every night when he's in Chicago, but his dinners last for 5 hours, who has 5 hour dinners?  He says who he's going with but I'm skeptical.  And he's given a laundry list to our marriage counselor of all things he is unhappy with me about that I don't know how to deal with besides trying to fix them, but it's overwhelming.  It makes me think, is it worth it?  Is it better to just pull off the bandaid now?  The way I feel right now is not good, I hate the way I feel. 

I completed a questionnaire the counselor required us to do individually and faxed it over tonight for our session on Friday.  I felt like I was tempting fate by notating MY needs and where *I* am unhappy, like I don't have a right to do that.  Like tonight, I said you go out every night when you're in Chicago, why don't you do that when you're in Dallas?  His response?  So comforting, HA!  I would, but you're there.  Like I'm in his way of having a good time???  Why are we even together then?  He said I'm afraid that you won't let me entertain next week when everyone comes in to town for business.  I said I had no problem with that.

It just seems to me like he's tired of me and wants to move on, but I don't know what is stopping him, maybe it's an emotional connection that's he's not quite ready to break, but will once he gets the strength.  It's not about love anymore.  I sure don't feel loved or cherished. 

Is marriage counseling just a waste of our time and he's ready to move on, and we're going to go through all of this when his mind and his heart have already moved on? 

How can I NOT feel anxious and depressed?  We've been together for 14 years, and I thought a man who adored me and would never leave me is now extremely unhappy with me and I don't know where this will end.  I can only change so much so fast, but in the end, will it all be for nothing?  Is divorce inevitable?

1 comment:

The Bipolar Diva said...

I've asked myself the same thing so many times.

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