It went much worse than I ever could have imagined. I had seen the therapist twice in the past, so she knew all my history, such as how I grew up, etc. She knew nothing about Mark, so she wanted to get to know him. Basically the appointment was all about him. When she asked why we were there, I just "ask him, he has a list". So he pulls out his tablet, opens up an application, and begins to give reasons that he's unhappy with me. I glanced over at what he was looking at, and I couldn't read the words, but it looked like some sort of Visio-type application with boxes attached to boxes with words in them.
I never really got a chance to defend myself. He would say something, and every once in awhile, she would say "How does make you FEEL?". Well "how does that make you feel" gives me a very limited choice of answers, "sad, unhappy, mad, etc.", not really the ability to stand up for myself or say anything in return.
So I left just absolutely CRUSHED, I couldn't even talk, I just wanted to start uncontrollably sobbing. Mark said in the car "So do you want to go to dinner for your birthday tonight?" and I just put my hand up and shook my head no. All I wanted to do was go to bed and cry.
But, reflecting now, I'm glad things are out in the open. She sent us both questionnaires where we BOTH put down our needs and how well they're being met (on a scoring system), and then we'll talk about that. I have unmet needs too, not getting back at him, but while we're in counseling, might as well address them.
Maybe the Latuda is working, because I was able to pull myself together on my birthday and we did go to dinner that night and have a nice night. Before, I really would have stayed in bed the rest of the day.
Also, something is causing me to really lose weight. Don't get me wrong, I am TRYING to lose weight, it's just that it's coming off much faster than it normally does. I've lost about 7 pounds in the last month, when normally, I can't lose more than 4 pounds in a month. I don't if it's the Latuda, because I started the Couch to 5k Running program around the same time, I guess that's all it could be that I've done differently. It certainly could be either one. With the Latuda, I'm not cheating on my diet like I was with Geodon and snacking at night, and I think running might raise your metabolism. Maybe it's a combination of both, but I'm thinking it might be the Latuda.
So that's awesome if Latuda is speeding up my weight loss. The only downside to Latuda I've seen so far is that it makes me constipated. I've been taking Fibercon at night, but so far, it hasn't worked at all.
I'm really proud of myself for sticking with the Couch to 5k Running program so long. The next time I run, it will be Week 5 Day 3, and it's running for 20 minutes with no stopping. When I started in Week 1, it was all I could do to run for 1 minute at a time! The program is 9 weeks long, and since I'm about to start Week 6, I can see the end is near and am so excited that I might actually finish! No, I WILL finish, failure is not an option!
So I've made all these little changes in response to our counseling session, bought lots of clothes (ha! who thought that something I love to do would be part of me doing something for counseling), getting my nails done every week, oh, life is tough. But there are other changes, like letting Mark pick movies (even though he picked the one he knew I wanted to see and not one he wanted to see, so why is he complaining that he never gets to see movies he wants to see?). I know his questionnaire is going to be really tough for me to read, it's going to hurt my feelings a lot, but I'm sure I'll get manage through it and hopefully our marriage will be stronger for it. She told us BOTH of us would have to make changes, I was surprised to hear her say BOTH, after him listing off all my faults and me saying nothing.
I don't want a divorce, so it's something I have to do. I realized that I have unmet needs too, but until I read through that questionnaire, I didn't actually realize what I had been ignoring, what had been hurting me for so long. So counseling should be good, I hope. Or not, and Mark won't be able to handle it as well (that I handle it well) as I am able to. Oh, and Mark is supposedly going through an early "exostential crisis". You THINK?