Latuda and Counseling

My birthday was last Tuesday, and it was the worst birthday EVER!  I was dreading it all week, and it when it came, I was so depressed when I woke up.  No, not because I was a year older, but because it was our first marriage counseling appointment.

It went much worse than I ever could have imagined.  I had seen the therapist twice in the past, so she knew all my history, such as how I grew up, etc.  She knew nothing about Mark, so she wanted to get to know him.  Basically the appointment was all about him.  When she asked why we were there, I just "ask him, he has a list".  So he pulls out his tablet, opens up an application, and begins to give reasons that he's unhappy with me.  I glanced over at what he was looking at, and I couldn't read the words, but it looked like some sort of Visio-type application with boxes attached to boxes with words in them.

I never really got a chance to defend myself.  He would say something, and every once in awhile, she would say "How does make you FEEL?".  Well "how does that make you feel" gives me a very limited choice of answers,  "sad, unhappy, mad, etc.", not really the ability to stand up for myself or say anything in return.

So I left just absolutely CRUSHED, I couldn't even talk, I just wanted to start uncontrollably sobbing.  Mark said in the car "So do you want to go to dinner for your birthday tonight?" and I just put my hand up and shook my head no.  All I wanted to do was go to bed and cry.

But, reflecting now, I'm glad things are out in the open.  She sent us both questionnaires where we BOTH put down our needs and how well they're being met (on a scoring system), and then we'll talk about that.  I have unmet needs too, not getting back at him, but while we're in counseling, might as well address them.

Maybe the Latuda is working, because I was able to pull myself together on my birthday and we did go to dinner that night and have a nice night.  Before, I really would have stayed in bed the rest of the day.

Also, something is causing me to really lose weight.  Don't get me wrong, I am TRYING to lose weight, it's just that it's coming off much faster than it normally does.  I've lost about 7 pounds in the last month, when normally, I can't lose more than 4 pounds in a month.  I don't if it's the Latuda, because I started the Couch to 5k Running program around the same time, I guess that's all it could be that I've done differently.  It certainly could be either one.  With the Latuda, I'm not cheating on my diet like I was with Geodon and snacking at night, and I think running might raise your metabolism.  Maybe it's a combination of both, but I'm thinking it might be the Latuda. 

So that's awesome if Latuda is speeding up my weight loss.  The only downside to Latuda I've seen so far is that it makes me constipated.  I've been taking Fibercon at night, but so far, it hasn't worked at all. 

I'm really proud of myself for sticking with the Couch to 5k Running program so long.  The next time I run, it will be Week 5 Day 3, and it's running for 20 minutes with no stopping.  When I started in Week 1, it was all I could do to run for 1 minute at a time!  The program is 9 weeks long, and since I'm about to start Week 6, I can see the end is near and am so excited that I might actually finish!  No, I WILL finish, failure is not an option!

So I've made all these little changes in response to our counseling session, bought lots of clothes (ha!  who thought that something I love to do would be part of me doing something for counseling), getting my nails done every week, oh, life is tough.  But there are other changes, like letting Mark pick movies (even though he picked the one he knew I wanted to see and not one he wanted to see, so why is he complaining that he never gets to see movies he wants to see?).  I know his questionnaire is going to be really tough for me to read, it's going to hurt my feelings a lot, but I'm sure I'll get manage through it and hopefully our marriage will be stronger for it.  She told us BOTH of us would have to make changes, I was surprised to hear her say BOTH, after him listing off all my faults and me saying nothing. 

I don't want a divorce, so it's something I have to do.  I realized that I have unmet needs too, but until I read through that questionnaire, I didn't actually realize what I had been ignoring, what had been hurting me for so long.  So counseling should be good, I hope.  Or not, and Mark won't be able to handle it as well (that I handle it well) as I am able to.  Oh, and Mark is supposedly going through an early "exostential crisis".  You THINK?

 

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm SO proud of you for working so hard on this. Seriously, don't discredit everything you're doing. I mean, Wow! With everything you're going through emotionally and you're still getting yourself healthy? That's awesome! Stick with it! I also love your attitude about this counseling thing. Awesome. The better you know yourself and take care of yourself the more you'll be available to meet his needs.

Gledwood said...

Hi Sunflower!

I tried to comment earlier but the bloody computer wouldn't let me. I've now cleared the cashe or whatever the thing is called and HERE WE GO

what you say reminds me why I don't bother with counselling any more

you should be more upfront with your counsellor and tell her her questions are limiting your answers

or just answer the question you wanna answer and she hasn't told you say what you please and to hell with her say what you like it's your time you're paying for it? or is it free?

my counsellors always fall in love with me (platonically, i assume) but they do of 3 long term counsellors 2 caused severe countertransference (or whatever the hell you call it) problems hte last one CRIED during our last session I'm not up for that stuff

but congratulations on trying you know they used to believe counselling was wasted on manic-depressives as their problems were presumed "endogenous" and non-stress related non-psychodynamic in cause

of course there's effect as well as cause

being on the subject of names do you think like i do that manic-depressive is more descriptive (not to mention a better description of the disorder)

i know "bipolar" is more dinner party friendly but unless you understand that there are way more than 2 variables involved you'll get seriously confused eg i can be very speedy with racing thoughts but have a relatively modest elevation of mood; other weeks i have felt extremely euphoric yet calm and the psychosis seems to have a life of its own which is why my dr calls me schizoaffective and not straight bipolar (under the european definition where you meet full diagnostic criteria for schizophrenia and mania concurrently not consecutively as in America)

have you ever read Emil Krapaelin's Manic Depressive Insanity and Paranoia? I downloaded it free; the link is on my blog I think at least a link for it is it is by FAR the best book on the subject (which says a lot considering the last edition was published 1920!) according to that I have "delusional mania" and a touch of "fantastic melancholia"! "Schizoaffective" doesn't come into it. I'm just bipolar enough to be tripping, so what. Sorry to rant: elevated mood going on as we speak...

KIMBERLY ALLEN said...

Proud of you! good job.. keep it up :)


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KansasSunflower said...

Thanks Kimberly, and to everyone that commented on this post that I never didn't respond to! : )

Melissa said...

I am taking Latuda too and having rapid weightloss (I am doing the paleo diet). I also have the constipation. I have been treating it with colace.

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