My Dad

My Dad died.  I'm in a fog about it.  Everybody grieves differently, I'm just in la-la land, a total space cadet, totally unable to focus on anything but that.  I didn't go to school today, I just stayed home in bed, got up around noon even though I wasn't sleeping, canceled my hair appointment, and here I sit. 

My Dad died of natural causes my Aunt told me.  He had been in the hospital I guess for his leg, he almost lost it because it wouldn't heal (he had diabetes).  Then his blood pressure was very low and they had him on medications, but his kidneys started to fail.  They took him off of the medications, and apparently his blood pressure went back up and his kidneys started functioning.  So they wanted to put him back on the medications and he checked himself out of the hospital without consent from the doctor.  I knew NOTHING about this because we weren't speaking. 

To make things worse, apparently his wife had just EVICTED him from the house, actually got a court order and had him evicted.  My aunt and his other daughter and his ex wife and found him an apartment and moved him into it.  He's legally blind, has a bad back and has diabetes, so he didn't work, he was on disability.  He also has major mental health issues, and I was very relieved he hadn't taken his own life.  My aunt said they found him a cute apartment with people just like him in the complex. 

Apparently he died from a blood clot.  They found him in the closet, he had been on the phone (dialing someone, I suppose, not actually on the phone with anyone), and I guess he fell out of the chair into the closet.  The police found him when they searched his apartment for him.

So now it's all so complicated.  His body is at the morgue, but his wife, who is not his ex-wife, has authority over him, instead of his daughters.  She has the rights to everything, to say exactly what happens to him, over anyone.  She called my sister and my aunt crying, telling them a different story than what he had told them, and you know, who is to say what is the right story, there are two sides to every story.  My sister was much much closer to him than I was, so I'm not getting involved, I'll let them work it out between them, if there is anything to work out, if my sister will even be involved.  For all I know, I could be paying for a funeral, how do I even know?  I hate this waiting, waiting, I can't book a flight yet, I don't know when to go to Denver, I don't know anything.  Everything is so in limbo, I can't make any plans. 

Any my relationship with my sister (half sister) is complicated too.  I don't know her very well either, and the last time we spoke was many years ago.  She wanted me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding, and I told her I would, but when it came to getting measured for the dress, I just couldn't, I felt too fat, so I didn't.  So when I put it off, she said it was okay, just pick out a red dress.  I didn't do that either, and rightfully so, she got really mad and said something like "you know, messing up someone's wedding is really fucked up", and I said something like "I guess we'll never be close".  I was the person in the wrong, so how can I just pick up the phone and call her?  I'm afraid she'll still be mad at me, not want to talk to me, whatever, and that will just make things worse.  I probably should just call her, but I don't know, I'm just...scared.

I guess the hardest thing is that we weren't even talking when he died.  I had cut off communication from him, but I did leave it open and told him if he wanted to have a relationship with me that didn't involve politics then to pick up the phone and call me.  He never did.  We just had a political-email relationship really.  And when our politics started to clash, he couldn't deal with it.  When we agreed, it was great, but when I started veering from what he believed, he saw me as a traitor and was so very angry and spiteful to me. 

But apparently he had a great relationship with my sister, they talked on the phone often I guess, they saw each other (they both lived in Denver), but we never had that kind of relationship, we never even lived in the same city except for the first 2 years of my life.

I guess I never really knew my Dad.  My Aunt was going on and on about the good things about him, and I was thinking....what did I really know about him?

Even though, I knew enough about him that I'm upset, I've shut myself down, I can't comprehend things.  Last night Mark was laughing hysterically at a website and I thought, can anyone be more unsympathetic than that?  I guess I can't expect the whole world to grieve with me, everyone can't be sad just because I am. 

6 comments:

MyThought said...

I´m so sorry to hear about your dad. There are no ´rules´ how to grief.. shutting down is just as much a way of griefing as crying.
*HUGS*

Gledwood said...

It's the pits when you lose your Dad. I'm so sorry.

The Bipolar Diva said...

I am SO sorry. When I got the phone call about my mom I was in shock. I didn't cry, I just existed. When dad died, I freaked. You'll have your own way which will be right for you. I'd encourage you to call your sister, tell her just what you told us, that you're sorry, that you were wrong. If she's half as good of a person as you are she'll be cool with it, She may need you now. Or I could be totally misguided and just running my mouth. My main point is that I'm so sorry. I wish I could be there for you. And I still have that email I need to respond to from you. I have no excuse other than life got in the way. I will try to answer tomorrow or Sunday. I love you. You're not alone,

Jen Daisybee said...

I'm so sorry for this loss, even if it was not a close relationship, it is still the one dad that you will ever have who you've lost, and that is a hard road to have to travel. I wish you peace in your grieving process, and I hope that you are able to find some serenity and to talk to others about how you feel, and to not bottle it all up and get into a depression funk. It is so hard to go through this, and support is really important, whether it be writing on your blog, or talking to a friend or family member or therapist or doctor about it, or writing in journal. Don't just hold it all inside; that will only have negative effects on you.

Kristy said...

So sorry for your loss. I lost my father in June . It is hard. Give yourself time to grief.

Kara said...

Girl, I am so sorry to hear about your dad. I have been reading your blog for a while now and I don't think I have ever commented until now. I was actually just cleaning out my google reader from about of month of unread blogs and I just happened to be reading through yours. Here is the thing, My dad died just a month ago. He had cancer for about a year and they had just given him a month to live...we got less than a week with him. Even though he had been sick I was in total shock because he was to be discharged the next day and we were going to the beach. It still seems unreal to me and I have been plugging along sometimes wondering if my "meds" have me numb to the world and unable to feel anything, but I had my first MAJOR full blown break down last night...so at least I know I can still feel. I have been staying with my mom since because I am the only child, so it is all left up to me. She got on to me about being so flippin moody the other day...you know I have a "mood disorder" diagnosis for a reason. I'm still trying to figure out how the whole bipolar thing is going to affect me through all of this.

I just wanted you to know that even though I can't completely relate to your situation, I do know what you are going through and like someone else commented...there are no rules to grieving and WE will get through this. xx

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