Thanks for the kind words about my dad, they really helped. I broke down at the most inconvenient time, but I guess you can't really choose when or where it's going to happen. Mark was getting gas on the way to church, and I just lost it. A full face of makeup, and I couldn't stop crying. We were walking in to church, and I pulled it together enough not cry through the parking lot, but when we got inside and I heard the music, I lost it again. If anyone saw me, they probably just thought I was really moved by the music, but I don't really care what they thought. My dad just died, I don't know how you're supposed to act, but I think crying is probably involved.
I called my sister, the first time we've spoken in maybe 8-10 years. She was really glad to hear from me. She had been wanting to call me, but said she didn't have my phone number or email or anything. My aunt had given me her number. I asked if she was okay and she asked if I was okay, then she told me the details I needed to know like my dad had already paid a funeral, etc. She said the sweetest thing though. She said maybe there was a silver lining in all of this, meaning by us talking. I sure would like a sister, maybe she would too. We'll see where it goes from here.
I'm actually looking forward to going to Denver, not for the funeral, but just going to Denver in general. I haven't been there in SO LONG. I used to spend time there visiting my dad. I have a lot of fond memories of being there. My dad had taken me to Casa Bonita's a few times, and I loved it so much that when I got back to my little hometown in Kansas I wrote a paper about it English and read it in front of the class. I was so small town - haha! But I want to take Mark there, out of tribute to my dad and to show him where I used to go.
Politics aren't the same since he passed, watching the Cowboys play the Broncos won't be the same, or any Dallas team play any Denver team. I didn't realize that with our limited long distance relationship what an effect he had on me. He was the most die hard left leaning liberal I knew, and he certainly meant well. I think all liberals mean well. I used to be one, and I meant well and was very sincere, very caring and giving, I don't know how or why I changed. He probably saw that I got selfish, and maybe I am, I don't know. I'm really confused right now. Did I allow Mark to influence me? I feel really guilty about the things I said to my dad at the end that led to us not talking. I mean, REALLY guilty. Maybe I was wrong and he was right. But that's politics, there never is a wrong and right, that's why people argue. But it drove us apart.
I'm looking forward to putting this all behind me and getting on with my life. I don't know how long that will take. I wish I could say once the funeral is over and we're back home, but I'm not sure I'll be over it by then. Don't get me wrong, I'm not all depressed going around crying all the time, I'm functioning, maybe not laughing all the time, but not in bed with the covers over my head either. I'm not sulking, I feel pretty normal, which I think is awesome with everything going on in my life. My husband dragging me to marriage counseling because he's so unhappy and listening to his list of reasons why he's so unhappy with me, my dad, I mean, any of these things could be a major trigger for a serious depression. Yet I'm "hanging in there", dealing with it all. I'm not sure what's kept me grounded, but I'm glad it has.