Sad Day

I had a very emotional day - I was quite depressed.  I'm not sure what triggered it.  Perhaps it was seeing a picture of my mother on FB, and noticing (and Mark commenting) we have the same body frame - a small body structure.  Not short, just small bones.  It reminded me we're connected, and then I went to bed and started dreaming about that side of my family and woke up feeling disoriented.  I started wondering all day, with all the shit that went down in my childhood, why am *I* the outcast? 

I went to school, and during the last hour of dictation, I started to cry, but managed to keep it in and only my eyes got misty.  When class was over, I quickly packed my things up and headed out the door.  My friend was talking to me about how she was discouraged over how hard the tests were today, and I didn't have much to say, I wanted out of there, I just felt awful emotionally.

So on my home, soon after I left, she called me on my cell and apologized if she was rude to me or said anything that made me think she was mad, she was just frustrated at the tests.  I knew that, and told her everything was okay, I didn't mean to make her think I was upset with her.  I was surprised that she reacted so much to what I thought was not a big deal, I just left class in a hurry.  I suppose I looked unhappy, and she took it to mean I was unhappy with her.  I was stunned that she cared that much about my feelings.  People can be so self involved and callous, it's refreshing to meet someone who's not.  Maybe I'll surprise her and buy her a Christmas present. : )

So I got home, just so depressed and kind of crying.  I HATE feeling sorry for myself, but sometimes, you're just down, and you can't shake it.  You feel a certain way, not really knowing why or what to do about it, and I wonder, is this a bipolar thing, or does this happen to "normal people" too? 

Mark called and of course he could tell I was upset, so I told him what was really bothering me.  I was the outcast, so maybe it really was ME and not THEM.  He made me feel so much better.  During my childhood, I'm really the only witness who knows and will admit what happened.  My brother was too young to remember, my mother's ex-husband refuses to admit he abused me, and only my mother and I know the truth.  He said she knows I am probably the only one who sees her for who she really is, and refuse to play by her rules.  It's true, I won't coddle her for her affection.  But...to have a relationship, it takes two people.  Even if I wanted to mend our relationship, I don't think she would be willing.  And if she did, it would come with remarks that would be very hurtful, the anger would come back, and when I get angry about my childhood, it comes out big, in emails that I can't take back that say horrible things.

So it's almost Christmas, and I'm worried that I've turned Mark against his family.  Well, no, not his family, but his sister.  We don't get along, but he is fed up with her on his own too.  It certainly doesn't help that I complain about her though.  Now Mark doesn't want to go to his family's house on their tradional Christmas Eve gathering.  That makes me feel awful.  But I brought up something that has really irritated me for years now.  In his family everybody (except his parents) buy presents only for the children and not the adults.  Well Mark and I don't have kids, so we end up buying all these presents, yet their parents don't give us anything in return.  I don't care about them buying us something, it's just...if someone were to buy my kids something year after year, and we buy all these kids VERY nice gifts, I would want to give them something in return.  How can they just let people buy their kids gifts and not want to reciprocate?  It seems so selfish.  And with Mark's sister being so jealous of Mark that it feels like she is just seething and bursting at the seams whenever we are around her to say something to him, I just don't like being around her.  It's why I didn't go to his parent's house at Thanksgiving.  She doesn't wish him well, not at all, I can tell.  But Mark and his sister have different priorities, they've chosen different paths in life.  If she had been determined to be successful in business, she could have been, but that's not the road she chose, and that's not who she chose to marry.  So we have nicer things, I'm sorry that makes her so upset and she thinks it's unfair, there's nothing I can do about that.  Her political views are just so...socialistic.

I keep thinking of things that I want to tell my Dad, and then I remember "Oh, he's gone", and it makes me sad.  There were so many things left unsaid, there are so many things I wish I could take back and apologize for, but I'll never get the chance. 

Family.  People complain so much about theirs.  At least they have one to complain about.   I certainly don't want to take Mark's away from him.

3 comments:

The Girl From Back Then said...

It's no surprise the past is still affecting you, it was a very difficult time, and nobody else seems willing to acknowledge what happened there. Of course you feel like you are on your own with it, it's like you are still stuck there and everyone else has moved on. There's nowhere for all those feelings to go when it's only you dealing with them. There's no outlet.

Funny to think you share that link with your mother, 'cause it's been so long since you felt any connection with her. It feels like you're the one who has been blamed or maybe you carry it around yourself 'cause you're not really sure what else to feel.

It sounds like you've got a great friend in the making there. They obviously care a great deal about how you are feeling, instead of making it personal or about them. I hope you find some peace soon :)

Life isnt worth it said...

Hi just read the whole of your blog, i tried to email you but for some reason it ouldn't let me! Its good to kow other people are out there like me! Hope your ok tho? x

Mark Lemar said...

Sunflower,

Just found your site. I’ve been checking out different sites on bipolar. I’ve never had the diagnosis. But I’d guess it is probably so. I know my mother was diagnosed with this mental illness.

No doubt family gatherings can be so tough. Family members who do not understand, can be so insensitive. My wife and I discuss my personal struggles. But after 27 years, one can only handle so much discussion.

It is a real challenge to know where to find help. I’m not certain I’ve always dealt with it the right way. However, your ability to talk openly here must provide some therapy.

I know as I’ve traveled around the web reading other people's experiences…it has given me perspective on my own situation. This is coming from a guy whose fifty.

Thanks for your sharing.

Mark Lemar

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