Tuesday, July 19, 2011

No Appetite

Well, I've definitely lost my appetite, but it may not necessarily be because I started Latuda last night.  Could it be that I also quit Geodon that increased my appetite and made me less anxious?  Could it be that my husband called me fat and lazy and I'm broken hearted about it?  Could it be that I feel overall anxious?  It's hard to say, but I don't feel any better yet, I feel broken.  Sad.  Depressed.  I cry every time I'm in the car, when I walk in the door, just at random times.  I went from day to night.  From feeling as great as I've felt in awhile (without feeling manic), to the lowest I've felt in a long time.  I feel betrayed.  Lied to, that someone I thought I knew so well really isn't the person I thought he was all along.  A kind, loving person.  No, that's not him.  Who is he?  I honestly don't know right now, and I don't even know if I want to find out.  I just know that I don't see him the same anymore, and don't know if I feel the same about him either.  From where I'm standing, I don't know how to, as Matchbox Twenty would put it, to "Get It Back To Good". 
Monday, July 18, 2011

New Medication, Try It Tonight

So I just got back from the psychiatrist, and I was really upset and crying in his office (see last blog post).  I told him I HAD been in a really great place until yesterday, when Mark just crushed me with his comments.  I told him I thought it was situational, that a little pill wasn't going to fix it.  He always disagrees with me.  His solution was to try something that would make me less sensitive, not feel so "broken", I think he even used the term narcissistic to describe me.  ME?  SERIOUSLY?  As in, if anybody says anything negative about me I am overly upset.  He didn't SAY those exact words, but he said something about it being a narcissistic quality.  Yes, maybe narcissism goes with bipolar mania, but I'm not in a bipolar mania, I'm far from narcissistic, I'm very self critical, and I do get upset when others criticize me, to the point of withering.  Just melting away.  How is being "broken" if someone says something critical of you a narcissistic quality?

Anyways, besides my disagreeing with what he was saying under his breath, he changed one of my medications.  He took me off Geodon and put me on Latuda.  I had a million "NO's" for him, a list of reasons why I should not take a new medication, but the medication met all my rules, I researched it on the internet just now, and it seems do-able.  My MAIN rule is that it cannot be a weight gainer, and he went through a ton of literature of trials proving to me that it did not, what the placebo vs the trial did, etc.  When I got home and did my own research, I found people proclaiming that had LOST weight on Latuda, not gained!  That's not what the trials say, but ok, we'll see.  If I just stop getting hungry from taking Geodon, I'll lose weight from just that! 

He also told me a very calming story.  He's not a therapist, so don't expect him to be one, I actually find him to be anti-social.  But when I told him what Mark said to me, he kind of smiled and said "oh my...", and then told me a story about St. Augustine in the Catholic Church (I guess he's Catholic) and what he said about love.  He described love and desire - as love matures, desire wanes (my words, not his), but love grows stronger.  He said that's natural in marriages.  But I didn't say - yet my husband said he questions his love for me. 

I'm finding it very hard to come to terms with what Mark said to me.  I just spoke to him on the phone, and it was strained although we had a more civil conversation.  At the end I said aren't you going to tell me you love me?  because we always say it to each other at the end of a call, and he said I'm trying, I can tell you are too, but I'm in a hard place after the last call, then he said it and I did too.

The thing is, I just went to church and I didn't do anything!  What the hell did I do?  I feel like I'm going to school and bam, he's just attacking me and I have no recourse.  I don't have a job, I don't have anything.  There's nothing I can do, just take it.  And I think he has less respect for me BECAUSE I don't have a job and am not a contributor to society, he's just like that.  He considers himself an "objectionist", you know, an Ayn Rand follower.  And I think he really resents me for whatever reason.  He's mad as hell.  I'm not sure exactly why, but I have a few guesses.

I hope this new medicine works, it would be nice not to feel so much, but like I told my psychiatrist, wouldn't anyone be upset????

What the HELL?

I started working out on Monday and eating more healthy and had been feeling really good, and then we went to church today.  I don't know WHAT Mark took away from the sermon, but I guess he felt an overwhelming sense of something about our relationship and me in particular of things he didn't like.  He was rambling about how he could never talk to me about things without me crying and feeling insufficient and he was so scared of that, but then he said that he questioned his love for me sometimes.  I mean WHAT?  Really?  So then you're not going to tell me WHY or what I'm doing?  He wouldn't talk after saying that, and I'm just supposed to drop it, pretend like he hadn't said anything?  I said do we need counseling?  And he said yes, and I told him to find one he trusted because I didn't want to find one that he didn't like, and then we went in to a restaurant for lunch.  As we were sitting there, I just kept getting more and more upset until we finally left before we had ordered. 

I mean, it was like the big elephant in the room, you're going to tell me sometimes you question your love for me, but not tell me WHY? 

So I told him I was in a good place right now compared to the past, to just TELL ME whatever it was.  After going on and on and on and on about just telling me about telling me, he finally said, and I am putting this WAY better than he did because he was pretty damned rude, but I wasn't putting my all into school like he did work, like practicing at home, and I didn't go to school everyday, some days I just lounged around.  I told him that I was reading a book (The Spark, very motivational), and had set new goals, and practicing was one of them.  And actually, though I didn't tell him this, I'm one of the more regular attendees at school, most people are gone a freaking lot compared to me.  Then I brought up our sex life, and somehow my weight got mentioned, and he actually started to cry about how my gaining weight hurt him, I didn't understand how much it had affected him or something like that.  (sorry, I started this post yesterday, and am picking up today, the next day). 

So I was just in shock all the rest of the day yesterday, I couldn't talk to him, I couldn't look at him, I didn't want anything to do with him.  I left for school before he had left the house today and I didn't tell him goodbye, he was still working out.  So he called when I got home from school and I was playing Wii Tennis as part of my cardio for the day, and I told him I was in the middle of it and we hung up.  I wasn't going to call him back, but then I got to thinking "wait, I don't want him to think I'm just sitting home playing a computer game..." so I called him back and told him I was playing Wii for my cardio for the day, not just sitting around playing a computer game.  He said he knew that, I had told him that on Saturday when I did it. 

So I said really?  You're going to tell your wife that she's fat and lazy and that you question if you love her, and you think the relationship is going to continue?  I couldn't believe it, he agreed that he said all those things - fat, lazy, questioned if he loved me, so I didn't misunderstand him, even though I waayyyy oversimplified what he said.  He didn't take them back the way I said them either.  How am I supposed to continue in this relationship? 

I don't even see him the same way now.  I'm not saying that I'm not fat, if I didn't think I wasn't fat I wouldn't be exercising and dieting, well, maybe I would, I've made a lifestyle change but I just started last Monday.  But I was SO excited about it and hadn't felt so good in a long time, I think from all the exercise, and then THIS. 

And yes, I should be practicing my steno for school each day, I can't argue that.  I don't practice most days. 

But he really resents me, in a major way.  And what really gets me is he said he'd been praying about it all through church, WHAT THE HELL?  I told him I had noticed he wasn't paying attention in church and he said he'd been distracted, and this is what he was thinking about?  Somehow the sermon led him to think his wife was fat and lazy and questioned if he loved her?  SERIOUSLY?  I'm never going back to church with him again.

OH!  And he said we go out to dinner on dates on Friday night I don't "make myself HOT" for him.  I don't have a lot of clothes because I've gained weight, but I wear the nicest I can, I do my hair, I put on makeup, I really do try to look the best I can, and that's not enough? 

He said it hurts him that I have gained weight and that I don't care enough about him to look the best that I can for him.  He lost about 60 pounds about 5 years ago, but you know what?  I love him just as much then as I do now.  I didn't think of him as fat then, and I would certainly never have called him fat. 

So we argued on the phone, tit for tat, you did this to me, but you did this to me, back and forth, and finally I just said goodbye.  I told him this must be your way of ending the relationship, you don't want to do it, you want me to do it.  He disagreed, but what the HELL?  Who in their RIGHT MIND calls their wife fat and lazy and says they question if they love them and expects that person to stay?

And WHY would that person who was told those things by someone that was supposed to love them forever WANT to stay? 
Sunday, July 10, 2011

Anxiety, Does It Ever Go Away?

So I'm back to taking Geodon.  I'm prescribed one 80-mg capsule nightly, so what I do is open up the capsule, and a lot of the powder falls out just from doing that.  I don't turn the other half of the capsule upside down, but I scrape as much as I can out of it which might be about a third of what's left, put the capsule back together, and that's what I take.  I go to the psychiatrist soon for a refill of Klonipin (he gives me a year's supply of refills on everything but that), so I plan on asking him for a lower dose, maybe the lowest possible capsule dose of Geodon that's possible.  Surely he'll lower the dose since I'm doing it myself already.  Sometimes I find myself in arguments with him over medication, I've left his office crying because I didn't agree with him on medication, but he's always been right.  However, I'm doing fine on a lower dosage of Geodon, I've been doing this for a long time now, I just couldn't handle NO Geodon.  But...I'm hoping that with a lower dose, eventually I can do the same thing with that capsule - open it up, take out half the powder, and maybe, in the not so near future, I won't need Geodon at all.  It's just the anxiety, if I could get the anxiety to go away, I would be fine.  I think if I could wean myself off the Geodon, my body would get used to not having an anti-psychotic numbing me and I wouldn't feel anxious without it.  I mean, I felt really anxious for awhile when I quit Seroquel, and now I'm no longer taking it and feel fine without it.  So doesn't it make sense that Geodon would work the same way? 

I worry about crazy things like - what long term effects will taking anti-psychotics have on my brain when I'm elderly?  Will I develop Alzheimer's when I'm older because of it?  My psychiatrist is also a neurologist so I'm going to ask him about that.  I know he'll say there's no research to indicate that, blah blah, of course there isn't, it hasn't been around long enough for people who have taken it long term to reach their twilight years.  I'm not planning on doing away with any of my other medication, just anti-pyschotics.  I read so many bad things about them that it scares me.  It really bothers me that I can't seem to just stop taking Geodon on my own.  I guess if I had a drawerful of Valium to cope with the anxiety, but what good would that be, to substitute one drug for anxiety over another?  He says I have an anxiety disorder, but I don't believe that.  Yes, I have panic attacks, but they've become few and far between, and I have klonipin for that, and I basically OD on klonipin when they happen.  They're bad, but it's not the same as anxiety.  And we're not talking weekly, maybe a few times a year is all.  To be fair, without Geodon, it might be more, but at the same time, I quit Seroquel, and my panic attacks did not go up in frequency.

We bought a new treadmill yesterday, and I plan on starting the Couch to 5k program tomorrow.  It lasts for 9 weeks, and you're supposed to be able to run continuously for 30 minutes, 5k, by the end of 9 weeks.  I am SO not a runner, never have been, not even in the slightest.  I have very long legs, but I don't have any stamina.  The long strides don't help any when you feel like you can't breathe.  I've tried the program before (it's an app on my iPhone, it's so cool, tells you when to start walking, when to start running, etc.)  and got to maybe week 6 and then hurt my arm and stopped.  I started school after that and didn't want to start at Week 1 all over again.  For me, it was REALLY hard, but do-able.  I felt such a sense of accomplishment each day I ran.  (well really, walked/ran)  It's kind of disheartening when your husband runs about 6-7 miles every day at a 7.2 pace, and it's all you do to run at a 4.5 pace, but I have to start somewhere.  How did he start running?  No program.  He just got on the treadmill and ran for a full 15 minutes at 4.5 on the first day.  He laughs about it now.  If I could do that?  Oh my gosh, I will have to train for weeks just to be able to do what he did on his first day.  Some people were born with stamina, some weren't.  But I've heard so many people say that if they could do it, because they totally weren't natural runners, anybody could, so that's my motivation.

School is school.  I'm going every day and hoping that I'm getting better just by getting practice every day.  It seems so slow, and I've seen people in my new speed that have been there for months - several quarters even!  I know I'm very slow at picking this up, so I don't see how I could be any better than the slower ones, but I'm not giving up.  I won't give up until I'm done or they kick me out.  And boy would my husband be mad if I ever did anything to make them kick me out.  Not to mention how heartbroken I would be.  I would be devastated.

We went to church today, and I got to thinking, we've been going to this church since last November, maybe it's time we should consider becoming members.  I told Mark we should find out the steps to becoming members, and what it meant to be a member.  He agreed.  Maybe we'll find out that being members of the church just isn't for us, that being attendees is enough.  Or maybe we'll find out that's the natural next step for us.  Either way, it does seem like a big step for me.  I haven't been a member of a church since I was in high school.  I don't want to sign anything that says "I believe this and this", I just don't think that's right, and I don't think this church would make you do that.  They're not political, they're not condemning, they're not demanding, they just give good messages every Sunday that you can apply to your daily life, along with aha! moments in your faith. 

I'm so not tired tonight, I should be sleeping, not sure why I'm not already asleep.  Didn't drink any caffeine except for the cup of coffee this morning.  I feel, I hate to say it, anxious.  I feel that way sometimes at night and it keeps me from sleeping.  Maybe it's the bipolar in me, racing thoughts that cause anxiety.   But on most nights, I fall asleep right away.  Just not sure why not tonight.

Well, heading back to bed, wish me luck for sleep this time!

   
Monday, July 04, 2011

No Geodon - Not So Great

I finally took a Geodon this afternoon.  The anxiety has been worsening all through the week, and I found myself in bed more and more just to escape, sleeping as much as I could.  I was/am hardly eating, and Mark kept asking what was wrong with me today and I told him lots of anxiety, and he said it looked like depression to him.  I guess when all someone wants to do is lay in bed, that would look like depression.  I don't know, maybe it is.  But I took a Geodon, and while I don't feel 100%, I feel better.  I ate a frozen yogurt cone and don't feel nearly so anxious, although it's not quite all gone.  I think I'll take another one before bed, too.  Maybe going cold turkey wasn't a good idea.  Perhaps halving them a little while longer, until I go to the psychiatrist, would be better.

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