Friday, September 30, 2011

Just An Update

I went to the psychiatrist on Wednesday, and the first thing out of his mouth was "so, we were going to try Latuda, how did it go?".  I still think I am one of his first, if not his very first, patients to try Latuda, but who knows.  I told him it went very well and I liked it.  He asked if I was less hungry which was one of the reasons we switched from Geoden to Latuda, and I told him I had lost 15 pounds since I last saw him, in July.  Don't think it just melted off, though.  Those 15 pounds were pure blood, sweat and tears!  I worked hard for every single ounce of those 15 pounds!  But had I stayed on Geodon, could I had done it?  No, I don't think so. 

So all was well on the medication front, except I told him about this weird side effect Latuda had on me.  I was preoccupied with my tongue and swishing it around in my mouth.  I did it all the time without realizing it, and suddenly I would become aware of it.  I had asked Mark if he could see me doing it, but he said he couldn't tell.  I didn't want to stop taking Latuda because of it, so my doctor gave me a medication for it - Amantadine.  When I went to pick up the prescription, the pharmacist was very puzzled why I needed it.   I did some research on it when I got home, it looks like it was once used to treat the flu, but was discontinued, once used for Parkinson's, but not a great medication for that now either.  Doesn't matter, my tongue is moving less now.  Not completely gone, but less, which I'm grateful.

After being so anxious about school and all their negativity by trying to scare you that they're going to kick you out of school at any time if you don't pass a speed, I transferred schools.  I start at a new school on Monday.  It's not that I don't like goals, but they couldn't even give me a date when I needed to pass the current speed I'm in.  On the first day of the quarter (on Monday), the teacher said "take a look around and you'll see some people missing.  Some are gone not because they don't want to be here, but because they weren't allowed to come."  Really, that's motivation??  I realize she was telling us to practice more at home, but I can't deal with the pressure I put on myself to begin with, and the pressure always hanging over my head that they are going to kick me out soon.  The school I will be going to doesn't have a timeframe when you have to pass tests, but of course, eventually your financial aid will run out.  I'm better off at the new school in that regard, but because of that, it didn't completely take away the anxiety. 

Mark and I seem to be getting along okay most of the time.  We have our moments, but for the most part, I think we each feel the other is showing they love each of us in the way we can recognize as love, if that makes sense.  We have our moments where we argue, where one of us will get frustrated and it seems like it's not working, and then eventually it will even out.  I just have to take a deep breath when that happens, it always seems so hard during those times.  But eventually it passes, eventually.

I'm still training for a 10k, but truthfully, at the end of the program, I'll just be able to run for 60 minutes straight, and that won't be 10k.  I'll be lucky if it's 5 miles, not 6.2.  But the reason I started running in the first place was to burn calories, and I'm achieving that.  When I started running, I would burn 180 calories per workout, and it was a real workout!  Now I burn almost 550 per workout, so I've come a long way.  My goal is to burn around 700 calories per workout.  I don't know if I'll achieve that without some speed building, but we'll see.  Once I finish this program, I don't think I'll train for distance next.  I think I'll just continue to run for 60 minutes at a time for awhile and increase my speed little by little.  But FIRST - got to reach that 60 minutes!

Which reminds me, today is a run AND a weigh day.  So a bad and a good day.  I actually don't like to run.  I don't know if that's because my runs are so challenging and I've never given myself a break since I started running in July, or I just don't like it.  But I think few people actually LOVE to exercise, maybe eventually I'll learn to love it.  I know I love the feeling at the end of my run! 

I think I started my "monthly visitor" this morning, so my weigh in may not be so great this morning.  I'm not weighing myself until around 7:00am, the same time I weight myself every Friday.  Believe it or not, it makes a difference. 
Saturday, September 10, 2011

I DID IT!

I just got home from running my first 5k, and I did it!  I ran the whole way, didn't walk, and not only that, but I placed second in my age group!  (40-44).  The first place in my age group was only 0.02 minutes ahead of me, so that means it was the girl right in front of me who I considered giving it it a burst of energy and passing her at the end, but never dreamed it would make a difference. 

My time actually wasn't that great - 43:04, but I guess good enough for my age group and the few hundred people that were there.  After only training for two months, I'm actually VERY proud of myself that I set a goal and accomplished it!

The only setback was that I thought I would need an extra "push" and drank a 5 hour energy drink and 3 cups of coffee with not much to eat before the race.  When we got there, I guess caffeine can be a type of laxative because I had to keep using the bathroom.  I have mostly stopped using caffeine, so that was an immense amount of caffeine for me. 

Mark did incredibly well - he ran the 10k and placed 7th overall and 2nd in his age group.  I think his pace was something that seems so insanely fast to me, like 7.5 minutes per mile.  So he got a 2nd place ribbon too!  I'm glad he won something as well, it made our first race together very pleasurable.

I'm not going to lie, it was freaking hard.  It was all I had in me to keep running and not start walking, but I knew if I started walking I would regret it, so I kept running, even if it might have seemed I was running as fast as I might have been walking. 

Mark and I started at the front of the pack and when the buzzer went off, I just ran with everyone else before I realized, I was running WAY too fast and was audibly taking breaths in, like screeching.  I slowed way way down to catch my breath, and then of course people kept passing me, and kept passing me.  I didn't care, I just wanted to finish, and finish running.

So anyways, I did it!  I feel so accomplished!  I don't plan on doing it again next weekend, but maybe next month?

Running!

I finished the Couch to 5K program last Tuesday, and already signed up for a 5k race.  It's today!  I've been awake since 2:30a, so if getting a good night's sleep the night before is a requirement, I'm in trouble.

I've never actually ran a whole 5k - the program ensures you run for a full 30 minutes, but doesn't tell you how FAST to run.  When I'm finished running, I've run 2.75 miles, and a 5k is 3.1 miles, so I'm a bit nervous about that last stretch.  I plan to drink a 5 hour energy drink and go to IHOP and drink lots of coffee for energy.  I hope I don't overdo it and make myself sick! 

Mark has been running for about 5 years and has never entered a race, but I convinced him to enter this one with me, so it will be both of our first races.  He entered the 10k, so we won't actually be running together which is fine, we don't run at the same pace, but it's fun that we'll be running our first race at the same time and we can go together, etc.

I've lost a couple more pounds, exercise and diet, but I went for 2 weeks without losing weight.  It freaked me out a little, I didn't think I was doing anything differently than when I was losing weight, but I kept plugging along and finally yesterday I weighed and lost 2 pounds.  (I weigh myself weekly).  So it's about 13.2 pounds I've lost since the beginning of July.  That's actually pretty good for me, maybe not so good for others, but pretty good for me.  Running must increase my metabolism or something.

I start a new program on Monday - it's Bridge to 10k - for graduates of Couch to 5k, to train for a 10k.  It takes 6 weeks!  I don't know how you can train for 9 weeks for a 5k, and expect to only train for 6 weeks for 10k, but we'll see how it goes.  I fully don't expect to be able to actually run a 10k at the end of the program, but I do expect to run for 60 minutes.  Wow, 60 minutes!  But I never thought I'd be able to run for 30 minutes, either.  I never thought I could be a runner, now I am.  It just goes to prove that you can do anything you set you your mind to do!

Today, my goal is just to be able to actually RUN the whole 5k since I've never run outside before with hills and everything, just on a treadmill.  I don't want to have to stop and walk at all.  I don't care how slow I have to go, I just want to run the whole way.  Time is not important.  I want it to be as pleasurable of an experience as possible so I won't quit and give up on races.  I have all the time in the world to work on my time. 

Other than that, marriage counseling is going okay, we go about every 3 weeks.  We didn't have much to talk about last time we went.  Our relationship has improved dramatically.  I feel so much more loved, I hope he does, too.  I'm trying to do what he said on the survey is important to him, and he is definitely trying to meet my needs, that's for sure.  Maybe that's all that was missing, just someone to show us what the other one needed.

I get freaked out about school, that I'm not progressing fast enough.  I wonder all the time if I should transfer schools.  There's another one that's a longer distance than where I live, but maybe they wouldn't have such tight time constraints on when I have to finish speeds or lose my financial aid.  It's not like I'm about to lose it, but it's always looming in the future.  I've tried to ask specifically WHEN that will be, but the policy has changed, and it doesn't seem like they can give me a definite answer, they just give me formulas, instead of "you have until x-quarter".  That's all I'm asking for, is a date.  All I'm left with is an unknown, as if they know I will transfer if I actually know, because I really might, and they do have a problem with people transferring to the other school.  There was recently a mass exodus to the other school, and I'm not sure why.  But I don't want to run out of financial aid at this school, just to be told at the other school that because that happened, I won't have financial aid there either and had I come there sooner, that wouldn't have happened.  I really don't know how these things work.  So I'm constantly worried about this.  I suppose I should call the other school, but won't they then tell me all the reasons why I should come to THEIR school and try to recruit me?

I go to my psychiatrist in about a month for a refill of Latuda, and I think it's worked rather well.  I've weathered quite a few storms while I've been taking it, and managed to keep myself together *I think*.  Exercised, dieted, went to marriage counseling, lost my dad, mainly kept a positive attitude, but had a lot of anxiety, I mean a LOT, in the beginning.  But the anxiety has subsided and I've gone down on my klonipin at night, it just seems like things are better.  Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think so.

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