All I Ever Have To Be

I just ran 4.05 miles, and cut 2 minutes off my 5k time (3.1 miles) from my race in September.  I think that's quite an improvement!  Mark is convinced that running speeds up your metabolism.  I've searched and searched on the internet, and there seems to be some discrepancy about if that is true, and if it is, how it actually works.  But one thing they all agree on is this:  runners are very lean in comparison to others who do regular physical activities.  I'm actually quite proud of myself, that I'm able to run 4 miles straight without stopping.  When I started the Couch to 5k program on my iphone, I I remember thinking "Run for 30 whole minutes, without stopping?  I'll NEVER be able to do that!"

Mark and I went to marriage counseling yesterday, and while our marriage is doing well - it's doing fantastic right now, I'm having, well, as the counselor put it, a lot of "self-doubt" about myself.  I never considered putting it into words until she did it, but it's true, I am.  I know what the paragraph above says, that I can accomplish something if I put my mind to it, but some things just seem out of my reach.  The biggest thing?  School.  It keeps me up at night.  I wake up at night and worry about it and can't go back to sleep.  It's always on my mind.  I brought it up in counseling and started crying.  She asked me why I thought I couldn't finish, and she said do you not think you are talented enough to do it?  And I agreed, and she reminded me of all the things in the past that I had made it through, that I was a survivor, and it's true.  I've been to her on my own, without Mark, so she knows my whole life story.  I made it through the terrible times trapped with my step-dad, years of his abuse, with my ex-boyfriend, and God knows what else, so why should school worry me so much?  If I can make it through those things, why shouldn't I be able to make it through school?  It's just that so few people actually finish, I don't know WHY they don't finish, it's just that such a small percentage actually do, that I don't know why I would be one of them that would.  I'm not the most talented, I don't "get it" as easily as everyone, sure, maybe some people, but not all of the people.

It's strange, because since I've opened up to her, all of these encouraging words have come to me, through the strangest people and places.  I do believe in God, and it's like He's encouraging me that I CAN do what I set out to accomplish, he's trying to soothe me and comfort my worries.  A woman I used to live with sent me an email that said the most perfect things, just out of the blue, she couldn't have known what I was feeling.  A person on facebook posted a note that hit home and inspired me.  Mark has been incredibly supportive, it's just been coming from everywhere since then.  It's a load off of my mind, but don't misunderstand me.  It's up to me to do the hard work.  I can't just sit back and expect this to happen without doing anything.  That's where the worry comes in.  What if I do ALL I can do and I'm STILL not successful?  What if I try my best and fail?  I think fear of failure is eating away at me.

So my friend Bethany reminded me (without knowing what I was thinking or feeling) of the perfect song from when we were teenagers.  Back then, we thought Amy Grant had a song for everything we were ever going through.  Now I look back and think, you know, Amy might have held all the answers in her hands back then and I didn't even know it!

Here's the song that made me cry because it's so true, it was true when I was a teenager, and it's still true today.

All I Ever Have To Be - Amy Grant

When the weight of all my dreams
Is resting heavy on my head,
And the thoughtful words of health and hope
Have all been nicely said.

But I'm still hurting,
Wondering if I'll ever be
The one I think I am.

I think I am.

Then you gently re-remind me
That you've made me from the first,
And the more I try to be the best
The more I get the worst.

And I realize the good in me,
Is only there because of who you are.

Who you are...

And all I ever have to be
Is what you've made me.
Any more or less would be a step
Out of your plan.

As you daily recreate me,
Help me always keep in mind
That I only have to do
What I can find.

And all I ever have to be
All I have to be
All I ever have to be
Is what you've made me.


The Bipolar Diva said...

school scares me too.

Aurora O'Brian said...

Hey girl. I'm a bipolar runner too... also from the midwest, too cool. What state do you live in? :) Maybe I'll run into you at a race someday.

Aurora O'Brian said...

wait, I'm not sure where I got that you were also from the midwest from. My bad. :P

KansasSunflower said...

Aurora - that would have been cool! : ) And no worries - my blog does have the word Kansas in it, that's just where I'm from!

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