Happy 2012! 

This year started out okay for me, but it's only one day!  We went to a comedy club for NYE, and and for some reason, I was having a SERIOUS "ugly day".  I had felt so good on Christmas Eve when we went out that I even wore the same outfit, but on NYE, I found a million flaws with it, with my hair, my skin, my weight, just everything.  I couldn't believe I had made plans for NYE and wanted to just stay home so badly!  We've stayed home every year since Mark and I have been together, I think, and I don't know what in the world had gotten in to me lately, making plans to go out, but I've been very social and outgoing lately.  I really regretted it yesterday.  I was on the verge of tears most of the day.

I had weighed myself the day before, and found that I had GAINED 1.8 pounds.  I have no idea how that could be!  It's the first time that I've gained anything in a week since I started my "diet" or "lifestyle change" in July.  It might be because Mark was home all last week and I didn't have my regular diet, although I thought I had kept to the same calorie count.  Perhaps I was wrong, or perhaps my body is just fighting against me.  It doesn't matter, I'm still determined to take off those last 30 - well now it's 31.8 pounds!

When I met my friend to practice for school last Tuesday, she said we had to finish school by the time we reached a certain dollar amount in student loans, and then we would no longer we eligible for financial aid.  That has freaked me out!  I've had a lot of anxiety about that since she'd told me, because I know the rate at which people actually graduate is so small.  I never understood why.  I can't imagine spending all of this time and money - years! for nothing!  I started thinking, which may be a little alarmist of me, that Mark would leave me if that happened.  So I have to do all I can, put out my best effort, to make sure that doesn't happen.  And if it does, well, at least I gave it my best shot.  I have no idea how long I can make myself practice each day, but I hope it's significant. 

I did actually get that job.  I finished the last test document (after hours upon hours of work), and now there's just one simple thing left to do on my part, and then I start!  I have no idea how often I'll be working, how much money I'll be making, but I'm going to ask.  I mean, I know how much I'll be paid, but the pay is quite unusual because of the type of work.  It's not hourly or salary or anything like that.  This will look so awesome on my resume - if I can just be one of the few who finish school!!

So NYE.  I felt really ugly and didn't want to leave the house, wanted to crawl into bed and cry, and Mark kept asking what was wrong.  He asked if it was "that" time of the month for me, or if gaining weight had affected me (I was upset about it and told him).  You know, I really don't know.  I think people just have "ugly days".  So we get to the comedy club, and they put us in the front row like every comedy club always does for some bizarre reason, so of course I get asked to come on stage.  Being that I felt so ugly, I wasn't happy, even though the guy had extended his hand to me and called me a "beautiful young lady."  I glared at Mark sitting in his seat while I was on stage, but what could he have done?  I should have been a better sport, and I tried to be, but I just didn't feel like being in front of a lot of people and being judged.  The alcohol probably helped a little. 

I've been running outside since Christmas when I got the runner's GPS watch, and it's been awesome!  The cold weather makes it wonderful!  I don't get all hot like I do on the treadmill, the cold keeps me from sweating and very comfortable.  Yesterday I matched my 5k time from September, and then kept running, when last September, when I ran my first 5k, which was outside for the first time, I thought I was going to DIE.  I ran 4 miles in 54 minutes, so I'm slowly getting back up to the distance I was running on the treadmill before I stopped running for my surgery in November.  I think I was running about 4.4 miles which took about an hour - I'm a very slow runner!  I don't really care how fast I am right now, just that I actually do it.

I was watching a song/video of the decade countdown on VH1 on NYE, and they played "Beautiful" which I've heard a million times, and it made me start crying.  I really don't know what is wrong with me.  I was feeling SO GOOD about myself, is it really like Mark said?  That I'm beating myself up over the small weight gain? 

Anyways, here's the song - I so love it, it touched me the first time I heard it, but depending on my mood, I can break down.  I really love it!

Beautiful - Christina Aguilera

Every day is so wonderful
Then suddenly, it's hard to breathe
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the pain, I'm so ashamed

I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down
So don't you bring me down today

To all your friends you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The pieces gone, left the puzzle undone
That's the way it is

You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring you down
So don't you bring me down today...

No matter what we do
(no matter what we do)
No matter what we say
(no matter what we say)
We're the song inside the tune
Full of beautiful mistakes

And everywhere we go
(and everywhere we go)
The sun will always shine
(sun will always shine)
And tomorrow we might wake on the other side
All the other times

We are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down
We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down
So don't you bring me down today

Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today

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