Longing

I haven't run since last Friday.  I hurt what I think is my Achilles tendon, it was very painful when I woke up on Saturday morning.  I did some research on the internet, and if you start researching runner's injuries, it will scare the hell out of you!  Plus, Mark is just getting over a running injury - a shin splint that he is still taking a prescription for and just finished physical therapy, so I decided the best thing to do was listen to my body and rest.  What I read for my injury was to let it rest for 7-14 days, so I will run again on Saturday, as long as it's healed.  It's funny, when I run regularly, sometimes I think it would be nice to take a break.  Now that I'm taking a break, I can't stand it!  I want to run so badly and feel like a lazy slob because I'm not!

I've reached some sort of crazy weight plateau.  I haven't changed my eating habits (I think I may start tracking it again to be sure), but I'll gain a pound one week, then lose that pound plus a little more the next.  This is the first period of time since I changed my eating habits and started exercising that my weight on the scale has gone up instead of consistently down.  I only lost 3 pounds in all of January.  BUT, that's still a downward trend, and if I think about it yearly, that's 36 pounds lost a year if I lose 3 pounds a month.  So slow, but a year will come and go and better to be smaller than the same weight or bigger.  I'm hoping to exercise myself out of this plateau, when I start running again of course.   

I'm getting faster at my job, which is good because I make hardly any money yet since I'm so slow!  The job is so perfect for me though - work when I want, how much I want, if I can even work that day.  And it's so interesting!  I listen to the audio files I'm transcribing and I'm hanging on the edge of my seat to the interviews..."then what happened?", because they're all law enforcement related.  The most interesting is when someone is being interviewed at the scene of the crime, but those are also the hardest, because the "perpetrator" isn't exactly a willing participant, so they can be a little hard to understand.  People can say the CRAZIEST (and funniest) things!  I haven't had any material that's been disturbing yet though, so I know my day is coming.  That won't be so fun.

After school, I've been staying late several days a week to practice, and I can tell I'm improving much faster than I was when I wasn't practicing as much.  I'm still a bit far away from passing my 120 tests, but I'm getting better.  I never knew court reporting school would take so freaking long and be so hard!  I really thought it would take 2 years and be easy, since I am such a good typist.  It has nothing to do if you're a good typist for some reason, it's how fast you can catch on to a new language, but I think I could learn a new language like Spanish or French much, much quicker than this.  Practicing more keeps my stress level down that I won't be able to finish the program, because I really stress that I won't be able to do it.  It's a huge concern of mine, one that keeps me up at night sometimes.

I don't know how long it's been since I've had some major bipolar symptoms that lasted for a considerable amount of time.  I know I had a lot of anxiety about my marriage last summer, but I can't say that it wouldn't be normal to have anxiety when you're having marital problems.  I would have to say since then, though, because I probably went to the extreme, and that's when my dermatitis started, and I think (the dermatologist didn't say so, she really didn't know, just from research on the internet) my dermatitis was caused by extreme stress, like eczema, which I have.  I think I took it way out of proportion, yet...I thought my marriage might be ending.  So what amount of stress should a "normal person" have?  Quite a bit, I would think. 

I still get really confused sometimes about my feelings.  I don't know what "normal" is.  I'm usually flat-lined.  Not too happy, not too sad, not too anything, except maybe a little fired up about something once in awhile, but this is an election year after all!  But I have nothing to compare my feelings to - like the anxiety during the summer.  My doctor changed my meds, but was that the right thing?  Yes, it helped, but my marriage also got better when we went to counseling.  However, I was suddenly able to deal with the issues.  Was that due to the medication, or was I behaving like a "normal person"?  I'll never know. 

How would I be without the medication?  Would I be okay without it?  Would I feel happier?  Would I sink back into the deep holes of depression where it's impossible to dig yourself out?  That's the only reason I take medication.  My depressions are so very scary.  I don't like the mood stabilizers, but whatever.  My doctor says I'm bipolar, so I'll go with it.  The medications do seem to work, I don't understand why simple anti-depressants wouldn't work, but okay, fine, we'll do it his way.  I guess that's the problem when you've felt so flat for awhile, not that I don't laugh, have joy, cry at movies, all the normal things people do.  Just not as extreme as I used to.  Sometimes I long for that.        

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