I've been scared to go to school because I've been coughing, and I have been reading back through old entries of my blog when I was working, and how I used to "crash" and stay home for a couple of days.  Now I wonder...have I "crashed"?  But I don't really feel depressed at all.  Well, I do in a way.  I feel hopeless that the doctors can't fix my cough and I will keep going to school and coughing in the middle of testing, making me get up while everyone is trying to pass a test and breaking their concentration, making them mad at me.  Court reporting is SO serious like that.  So just a simple cough - and then when it gets out of hand and becomes a coughing fit - is incredibly serious.  It's a really big deal about why I don't want to go to school! 

I went to the doctor on Tuesday and did another lung capacity test after using the inhaler he gave me for a week, and went from a 48 to a 59 (no, I have no idea what that means except that he had told me that for me it should be an 85).  The nurse scheduled an appointment with a lung specialist as soon as she could get me in, but it's not until the 24th, and of course, he can't "fix" me on the 24th.  I am not even that hopeful he can even find anything wrong.  When I'm by myself at home, I don't cough that much.  But when I start talking on the phone or to Mark at home, go somewhere out of the house, or especially after I run, I cough like crazy.  It's really embarrassing.

I tried on some old clothes that I used to wear when I was in the process of losing weight last time - and they fit!  The dress clothes I bought before I started a new job about 6 years ago fit, the bridesmaid dress for my friend's wedding fit - that was exciting!  I'm actually very happy about that.  That was the original reason I was reading back through my blog - to see how slowly I started losing weight at this point.  It seems like it was about 2-3 pounds a month, but that was without running. 

It's interesting to read back through your blog and see your perspective on things, and what used to upset you and make you anxious years ago.  Right, now, it's a mixture of good and bad feelings.  Good that I don't have so much anxiety about everything, but bad that I don't have a full time job, I'm going to school to hopefully get one in my chosen career.  I can see that Mark used to make me angry on a consistent basis, but he doesn't anymore.  The counseling has helped TREMENDOUSLY. 

I just don't feel like I'm doing enough right now.  I've been sick and not doing my part time job, I haven't been going to school like I should because of my cough, I'm just a major slacker and I feel incredibly guilty.  I know Mark would very much disapprove.  He's all about high achievement and big ambition.  He expects it of himself, and nothing less out of me.  But I can't always be him.  Sometimes...I'm weak.  I just am.  Maybe he can always be strong, but I just can't.  I don't want to say bipolar disorder is affecting me right now, but my cough is really getting to me.  The more I miss of school, the less I want to go because it will take more time to catch up, and I am afraid to go because I don't want to cough, of course.  That's not bipolar disorder, is it?  But then what is it?  I need a good kick in the pants.  No, I need my cough to get fixed and I think that will motivate me!

I don't even know what to do anymore.  Yes, I know what to do, I just don't want to do it.  Go to school, get up in the middle of testing if I start coughing/choking and interrupt the class, then go home if that happens.  Work on transcribing audio files at home.  Just get back in the groove until I see the doctor next Friday.  At least I haven't stopped running.  Not completely.  But I've cut back from 3 times a week to 2.  I just don't want that extra day of uncontrollable coughing before I go to school.   



Bipolar Alcoholic :-))-: said...

I think your struggling is somewhat to do with being bipolar. I've noticed the past couple weeks I've felt like not doing anything and just staying at home and sleeping. If there is an excuse like a persistent cough it makes it even easier for us to close ourselves into our little shell.
Just keep in mind your goals and dreams; hopefully they will be able to fix your cough.

KansasSunflower said...

Perhaps you're right, BA. I'll try not to lose sight of my hopes and dreams, that's all I can do! : ) I can so relate to wanting to stay home and sleeping!

Natalie said...

I think Bipolar or not everyone feels like that sometimes, I'm in college too and I have days like that. I usually make myself go anyway, but not always. I found you on Never grow old, I'm following you if you want to stop by my blog its

Nancy Bakers said...

I agree with bipolar alcoholic that some of it may have to do with your bipolar disorder. I have bipolar as well and I have often felt the same desire to stay home and do nothing. If you want more info about bipolar, check out It offers a lot of helpful information including ideas about how to cope with your symptoms. I hope this helps!

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