I Need OUT! Of the HOUSE!

Oh my GOSH!  This staying home is HORRIBLE!  I want to be able to go back to school!  I want my LIFE BACK!  Yes, I have my work from home job, and yes, I'm going to school online now, but this is maddening and boring and lonely!!!  I'm too much of a social person to be locked in the house all day!

I went to the pulmonologist last Friday, and I did all of these breathing tests after doing so horribly at my family doctor, yet there, my tests were all normal.  Which is good and bad.  Good that, well, they were normal, but bad because, what the FFFF is wrong with me?  So we talked for a long time, and he gave me some inhalers, some cortisteroids, and a prescription for cough capsules, but the capsules do NOT work. 

So I go back in on March 8th I think, and then he'll try to induce an asthma attack, and do a blood allergy test.  I don't know why blood as opposed to skin, maybe because of all the medication I take, not sure.  He gave me a prescription for ambien because he said I can't take Unisom every night like I normally do before the allergy test.

I think I know where this is going.  I won't have asthma, I won't have allergies, and he still won 't know what's wrong with me.

What if my cough is in my HEAD?  What if it's psychosomatic?  Can you tell I've lost faith in this whole process?  I have no hope that this will be resolved and my cough will go away.  I just don't.  Yet it's so terrible.  Mark and I went out for dinner on Friday night, and all I could do was cough and cough and cough, it was so embarrassing, and I just wanted to leave because it's not exactly pleasant for me either, not feeling like you can breathe because all you can do is cough.  But sometimes, like now, it's bearable.  I'm barely coughing.  I don't know why sometimes I just forget about it and cough once or twice an hour, and other times, I can't stop coughing.  I just don't understand it.

I found out an old friend of mine died.  Social networking is so big now, I found out through Facebook of all things, but had it not been Facebook, I may not have known for a very long time.  I was so confused.  In an update from HIM, it said he had passed in a severe car accident.  I read and reread it.  Was he saying that someone with his first name had died?  Then I saw his girlfriend was tagged, and it hit me - he was gone.  I was in shock.  Once I got over my shock, I started thinking of the good times we'd had and how I'd never told him of things we had done in the past that were good memories for me and how much I wish I had.  But then I started thinking, who does that, really?  I mean, how weird would it be to start telling friends, old and current, random memories that you have that are special to you, just out of the blue?  And really, until someone passes, it doesn't seem like you really realize what those moments actually are, at least, I didn't until he was gone.  My Dad just passed away in August, and then I started thinking "I wish I would have told him this and that", and I kept forgetting he had passed.  I wanted to pick up the phone and ask him if he remembered certain things, and then I remembered he was gone and was so sad.  But when he was alive, none of those things ever occurred to me.  I didn't even think those things were special until he was gone.

But, my dad passing and now my friend, it's made me realize so very much how fleeting time is and how, in just an instant, like with both my dad and my friend, lives can be taken without warning, and you never have the chance to say goodbye or tell them how much they mean to you or what they meant to you.  Of course, my dad is on a much, much bigger level than my friend, but it still resonates.  I still cry about my dad, there are certain songs I can't listen to, yet sometimes I find myself going to youtube to listen to them just so I CAN cry to them.  I believe grief is not the same as depression.  I'm not depressed because my dad and my friend passed away, I'm grieving.  I'm okay about my dad, but it makes me very sad and I miss him when I think about it. 

The really weird thing about my friend?  The day after he died, his girlfriend of less than a year that he was living with, and granted, he seemed incredibly, incredibly happy since they had been together, happier than I had ever seen him, sent out a facebook message asking for donations be sent to her email address via paypal because she had no way to pay rent or bills since she had no access to his assets since he had no will and she had just quit her job to work on some kind of product that they were about to launch next week.  I thought that was so tacky.  She said he had always told her everything that was his was hers, yet he had 4 kids.  I don't know, call me over-protective of my friend, but something sounds fishy.  I'm not going to say he was mega-successful, but he had a good job, drove a Mercedes, you know, lived a comfortable life, not rich, but lived well.  She graduated from an Ivy-League school but hadn't established herself and apparently quit her job and was living off of him.  So, you tell me, is that fishy? 

I'm still running and losing weight - very, very slowly losing weight, but it IS coming off.  The last two weeks I've lost 0.8 pounds each week, but hey - that's 1.6 pounds less than I was 2 weeks ago.  And that would be 3.2 pounds per month, so 38.4 pounds in a year, and I don't need to lose that much.  I only have 23 pounds to go.  My diet isn't extreme, it's totally livable.  Actually, once I reach my goal weight, I don't plan on changing anything.  Whatever weight I end up at eating the way I eat now is what I will stay.  And I'll still be running 3 times a week - maybe 5 miles each run still, maybe more, I don't know.  Hopefully faster though!  The only thing that really SUCKS is that for each pound I lose and I track on my motoactv watch on their website, it then calculates how many calories I burn for that run, and it's always less than the time when I weighed more when I ran that same distance.  So it's SO much easier to lose weight when you're bigger.  You can burn more calories when you exercise, you can eat more and lose more weight, where I now have to eat smaller portions to lose the same amount of weight, or eat the same and lose less weight, which is what I do.  It SUCKS!  It's so much harder to lose weight now that I don't weigh as much.  But it feels great fitting into some of my old clothes, even if they are so old they are high-waisted shorts - HA!  I just put on a shirt that is long enough that no one can tell. : )  My more recent clothes that are more fashionable are still way too small to fit me.  They are 4's and 6's and uh, not quite there yet! : )  37 pounds down, 23 to go!

Mark and I are getting along so well.  He is incredibly sweet to me.  The counseling has helped beyond belief - just telling each other what we each need to feel loved - I can't even explain how much that has helped our relationship.  We still go once a month, we don't have much to talk about in regards to our relationship, but we do talk about it which I think is so healthy.  I don't think our counselor is about to kick us out, I mean, she is running a business after all - but she does leave it up to us each time.  I'm trying to become less inhibited which is so hard for me, but...as I lose weight I find it's easier for me to be more open.  When I was thinner, I didn't try, I didn't know it was that important, and if I had, I wouldn't have known enough to care.  But now I do.

I don't know if our relationship will stay this good, because I mean, it's really good.  That's why I want to keep going to counseling.  Because maybe, maybe it will. : )

I just want to start getting out of the house!  I mean, I do with Mark, and to the grocery store and errands and stuff, but other than that, I'm a SHUT IN!!!!!  I need someplace that I HAVE to be every day of the week (except weekends).  If I don't, I'm finding I lose my sanity!

No comments:

Back to Top