4:30 a.m.!

I finally made up with my sister in law.  It feels good not to have that tension anymore of having a person in the family (at least Mark's family, I guess there's still my family) that you're not speaking to.  It was her birthday yesterday so I sent her a happy birthday message and told her how much I missed her and that I wanted us to be friends again.  Her response was awesome, so we're friends again.  We never "hung out" or called each other on the phone and chatted, but at least I can stop avoiding Mark's family at holidays now.

An old friend of mine sent an email asking if Mark and I would drive to Arkansas and one of us drive one of her cars, and I guess the other one drive the car that we drove to her house in to the place she was moving to.  I don't mind helping my friends, but this is a person that I've tried to stay in contact with and she hasn't given me the time of day in years and years.  She's been mad at me for things that happened as a teenager that I didn't even mean to do, jealousy I think, and I've wanted to see her and she's pushed me away.  Until she needed me.  Then she sent me this sickly sweet email asking for help.  Do think I helped her?  HELL NO!  So when I responded, she didn't even respond back, which further proved my point.  She's not interested in a friendship, she was only scrambling to find someone that could help her, and I was at the bottom of a long list of people that could help.  I couldn't have helped her anyway.  It would have required Mark to take off a day of work and he wouldn't have been able to do it.  Nor would he have wanted to, he doesn't like her at all.  He met her once a long time ago and got a really bad vibe from her.

I wish I had more friends, or even *a* friend.  I mean, I do have friends, people who would call themselves my "friend", but I don't really feel like I have a friend.  Nobody to just pick up the phone and talk to or go somewhere with or anything.  Maybe that's my fault, I've shut them all out.  I know I have.  I was overweight for so long that I didn't want anybody to see me that way.  I had such low self confidence for so many reasons.  No job as well.  Now I feel more confident, but I don't feel ready to just start calling up people to meet for lunch or to do something.  I also don't feel like putting on a sunshine-y face like my life is so wonderful and everything is great.  That's what friends want to hear.  Maybe not REAL friends, but that's how I perceive it would be when you haven't talked to them in awhile. 

I'm not freaking out about the lump in my breast anymore.  I don't think it's anything, I just had a moment of panic, which is, like I said in my previous post, why I have klonipin.  YES, I want to get the test over with, but so many people say their lumps end up being nothing that I'm confident that will be my outcome as well.  My doctor said not to worry, and I think she was being sincere.

Well, it's 4:30am and I'm awake for some reason.  I guess it doesn't really matter when I sleep or when I'm awake.

No comments:

Back to Top