Diagnosis and Counseling

I went to my follow-up visit with the pulmonologist on Friday, and he finally diagnosed me.  I have cough variant asthma, which I thought all along, and the medicine he had given me two weeks ago really improved my cough.  My breathing test had gone up 40% since my last visit.

So now I have an inhaler I use every day and a rescue inhaler that I use before I run and "as needed".  I guess the "as needed" is when I'm coughing a lot.  He's still trying to figure out the triggers for my asthma.  I thought it was just exercise induced, but he said if that were true, I wouldn't be coughing all the time.  I did take an allergy test, and I wasn't allergic to anything.  I have to take a different allergy test next time I go in, and I took a blood test too.  I don't really care about the reasons, I'm just glad there's a solution.

What I hate about it is that now there is two MORE medications to add to the list when I go somewhere and they ask, "what medications are you taking?"  I was embarrassed enough with the list I had!  The nurses already act like, "Oh my God, so that's so many to write down...".  I've made a list of them in my iphone and just hand it to them when they ask the names (because they never know the spellings) and dosages (because I can never remember that), and they seem to appreciate that.  What I don't understand is....when you go to a new doctor, they have you fill out all of this paperwork which includes what medications you're currently taking just for the nurse to ask you the same question.  I always want to say, "Look at what you told me to fill out that took me time and effort!"  And oh my gosh I hate the inevitable next question..."what do you take that for?".  I feel like I go from a normal person to a crazy person, and maybe I do.  I have a mental illness, but it doesn't FEEL like I do.  I feel as normal as they probably feel.  All of a sudden I feel like they're thinking maybe I'm making up whatever I'm there for.  Is that stupid?    I also hate it if a doctor comments on my current mental stability, like "are you stable right now?".  I was asked that by an ENT recently when Mark kept nagging me to get my hearing checked.  I was thinking, first of all, you're not a freaking psychiatrist, you're an ENT, what does that have to do with my hearing, and second of all, if I wasn't, what are YOU going to do about it?  I mean, yes, I'm stable, but I don't know see why I have to tell him that, and if I wasn't, why I would have to tell him that either and go into some story about my current mental health state. 

Mark and I didn't have a great last session at marriage counseling.  We had argued a little about this before we had gone in, but had dropped it quickly because we both started getting very tense.  Mark is ready to "trade up" his car.  The thing is, he already has an expensive car - a Porsche Carerra 4s or something, Turbo, 911, I don't know, but to me, it's an expensive car.  A lot more than my BMW or his Range Rover, for sure.  More than double each one of them.  So trade UP?  Well, our house has lost 1/3 of it's value, and it seems crazy to me that he would drive such an expensive car if he traded up compared to the current value of our home.  He doesn't understand the correlation, to me he's just not living in the normal world.  So it got brought up in counseling, and the counselor agreed with me.  But he's just car crazy, he always has been since I've known him, and he's been depressed about it for days now.  But that's not all.  He had to throw in there that he doesn't want to upgrade houses (which we're not ready to sell ours because of the market) because of how I currently take care of the one we have.  I feel like whenever he doesn't want something he throws that in there.  He's done that before when I wanted something and he didn't, about how I don't take care of the house like I should.  We have a maid, but yes, the house is messy, and yes, it's because of me, but I don't believe him when he says "if you do x, x and x" I'll do this, this and this.  I just feel like it's an excuse.  So we decided in counseling to work on the house we have now - make improvements.  Flooring, furniture and blinds come to mind, but I don't know.  It just seems like neither of us win.  I guess it's not for one of us to win but for us to compromise, but it just seems like neither of us are getting what we want.  I was really bummed out today - going through one of my old "we have nothing in common" phases, but it was more like "we don't have the same goals in life".  Well do we?  When someone's goal is to keep upgrading cars through life, I mean, what is that?  How do we "share" that goal exactly?  That's a one person goal, what am I going to school for and getting a new career for?  So Mark can drive a Ferrari?  Yes, he's the person working right now and I know he feels entitled, I totally don't blame him.  He works hard, he does a lot of great things for people at work, he takes a lot of crap, he's under a lot of stress, it's not like he doesn't deserve it.  And it's not like I don't want him to be happy, of course I do!  But where does it end?  When does the upgrading stop?  A $1.5 million Bugatti so he can be "happy", and only for a few years until the body style changes or whatever?

I guess I'll try and work on the areas of the house that should be tidier, but it makes me bitter.  I shouldn't be, but for some reason I am.  And it's not to "get what I want", because I don't believe that will happen, I just thought that our goals were the same - to upgrade homes, not to keep upgrading cars as salaries increased.  Yes, our house is nice enough, I'm not saying that it isn't.  There are some retirees in our neighborhood that have saved their whole lives to live here and bought their "dream homes" next to us.  It's a gated community with a lake view.  It's just that I had no idea we didn't have the same goal of upgrading houses as our income rose, that one of us saw our prosperity individually - in the car that they drove, and that was it.  I mean, I knew that was a factor, but I didn't know it was the ONLY factor and the ONLY goal.  What other goals do we not share?  What other things do I assume?  What other things do I not know, have I not asked?  I assumed he wanted kids too, I was wrong about that, and that was a pretty big thing to be wrong about!    

Other than that, it's boring and lonely staying home all day and not getting up to go to school every day.  I go back to school in April.  And I've lost almost 5 pounds in two weeks, when normally I lose a little less than that in a month.  I thought I had the stomach flu last week, but when I went to the pulmonologist on Friday I told him my symptoms, and he thought it was side effects from the inhaler he gave me.  I looked it up on the internet when I got home, and yes, he was right!  No, not a bad reaction, and no, not an allergic reaction, but simply "side effects"!  I don't feel dizzy and sick and I'm not throwing up anymore, but that's how I lost so much weight last week which will probably come back this week.  Oh, well.

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