Just An Update

This waiting game is killing me after my OB/GYN found the lump in my breast.  I really don't think I have breast cancer after what she said and after what I've now read, but who wants that hanging over their head, the "maybe"?  My husband is worried now, doing his own research.  Maybe I shouldn't have told him.  There's no reason for him to be worried when I don't even know anything yet, and I don't really need a "support system" right now, I don't need anyone to lean on or to listen to me.  I just want the WAITING over with!  I don't go for the mammogram (and I guess a sonogram?) until Monday the 26th.  And I go back to the OB/GYN for an ultrasound on the fibroid in my uterus the next day, on the 27th.  Am I slowly falling apart?  Seriously, I've never heard of an adult getting diagnosed with asthma out of the blue, but obviously it happens.

I keep changing my mind about running.  Not to stop running, but about the best way to increase my speed.  I thought I would go through the Couch to 5k again on the treadmill at a faster pace and slowly build it back up, but when we run at the lake on the weekends, I want to be able to run the whole time.  And last week, I passed my first runner!  Yay!  I've never passed a runner before, only walkers.  I think the reason is because we've been running when it's cold outside, and mainly people who run when it's cold are people who are very dedicated.  It was really nice last weekend, so a lot of people were at the lake walking and running.  I especially noticed a lot of new mothers with their babies in strollers, I assume walking off baby weight.  So my theory is that less fit people were at the lake running/walking, which means I was actually running faster than some people.  Unbelievable, but true.  A 12 minute mile pace is pretty slow!  But...a mile is still a mile, no matter how fast you go, right?  And five miles is still five miles, no matter how long it takes you.  But the less I weigh, the less calories I burn, it really sucks.  So I only burned 400 calories.  I mean really?  Run 5 miles and burn 400 calories?  It just doesn't seem right, yet it is. 

I was watching the Biggest Loser several weeks ago, and Bob Harper said to increase intensity to try to beat your speed each time you run.  I've never tried that, I've always gone for distance, or run a certain length of time, not the same distance each time.  So I'll run the same distance, just try to do it faster every time I run.  It feels WONDERFUL to be outside running, I've missed running outside since I've only been doing it on the weekends, so it will be great to be back on an exercise schedule.

Mark ended up buying a new car after all.  But I was the one who told him to do it.  He had one more month of warranty left on his Porsche, and he got an error about his engine.  That scared me, what if it had happened one month later, and what if it was something really expensive?  So before we found out what it was (it ended up being something minor, but we didn't know it at the time), I told him to look around for a new car with a warranty.  He found an awesome car - a Mercedes SL - I don't know the exact model but it's an AMG meaning it's incredibly fast.  It's so sexy, I love it!  It's a convertible which I'm not crazy about - my hair gets messed up, but in Texas in the spring and summer (and okay fall too), it's perfect for him.  I like it SO much better than the Porsche, I can't even tell you!  The Porsche was freaking uncomfortable! 

I'm bored, I'm lonely, I wish I could just sleep every day away and never wake up.  I feel like I have so many dreams that I haven't accomplished and won't be accomplished, and then I think, what dreams did I ever really have?  Did I have any?  Maybe there weren't any to fulfill anyway.  I thought all this time Mark and I were building a life together, but I'm realizing that maybe he was building a life on his own with me, does that make sense?  His goals are singular, but he's married to me.  I don't know if that makes any sense.  I told him about this, and he said that he's supportive of me in anything I do.  I don't see how that has anything to do with what I was saying about having goals together.  I plan on bringing this up in counseling, but then I look at the world, I see men who cheat on their wives, who verbally or physically abuse them, who don't help with housework, who don't support them, especially to the level Mark supports me financially or emotionally, and really, is it that big of a deal?  He's such a great husband, it's such a small thing compared to other women's issues with their husbands.  I'm very lucky, very lucky, maybe I should just leave it alone.  Yet it makes me sad, to think that he doesn't think of me as part of his future.  Maybe he does, but I'm not in his goals, does that make any sense?  Perhaps I'm home too much all day and have too much time to think.  That is definitely true!

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