One More Thing? Really?

So now I have a lump in my breast.  Maybe I should stop going to the doctor because they keep giving me bad news?  It's about the size of a marble and I go in for a mammogram I think on the 26th?  I wrote it down somewhere.  I'm not overly worried.  My doctor didn't freak me out about it, but she did want me to go to a specific testing center that she trusted.  I looked it up on the internet, and only 10% of breast lumps evaluated are found to be breast cancer.  So I'm not worried really, it seems more of a hassle to have to go through the tests and everything for a cyst or whatever it is, but Mark is all worried now when he shouldn't be.  I know him well enough to know that he won't bring it up unless I bring it up no matter how much he's thinking about it which is good, because I'd just like to forget about it until I get the test. 

Oh yeah, and while I was there, my OB/GYN threw in that I had an enlarged uterus and a fibroid that needed a sonogram scheduled. 

I mean really, what is up with my health?  I turned 43 and it's been downhill from there.  Nothing major that can't be fixed, but seriously?  All of the important things are great - blood pressure, etc.  I just got my blood test results back - all perfectly normal.  So what gives?  I run, I eat well, it's just so bizarre.  I'm in a normal weight range for my height, I mean really, I couldn't be more healthy or take better care of myself (except I need to go to the dentist).  God, are you up there?  Can you throw me a little mercy please? : ) know, physical health or mental health, if I had to choose one over the other, which would I choose?  Losing your mind or losing your body?  Since I've only experienced one - losing my mind, to the deep, deep hole of suicidal depression and know how horrible and awful and ugly and black and hopeless it is, I would choose to lose my physical health.  At least then I could still have hope, joy, peace, etc.  I would hope I would not be in physical pain, but then again, which would be worse?  Physical or mental pain?  I haven't experienced long term ongoing physical pain, so it's really hard for me to say.  Right now, I would choose physical pain, because it seems easier to take a pill that would take away physical pain than mental pain, which a pill may or may not work.  Now those of you that have physical pain may completely disagree with me, and you know, I haven't experienced that and if I did, I may be completely wrong.  The worse thing I've experienced is a broken foot, which compared to so many things out there, is pretty minuscule.

At least mentally though, I am sound.  Bored, but sound.  Most of my days are really good!  I guess if they weren't, I'd be freaking out that I had breast cancer - HA!  I've been reading a lot of blogs lately for some reason from people who are obese or morbidly obese trying to lose weight.  I know I feel so fat most of the time, but really, I should stop being so harsh on myself.  Of COURSE I am going to continue to lose weight, but it does make me so sad to see so many people struggle with their weight, and they even aren't on weight gaining meds.  My problem has always been psychiatric weight gainers, I never had a problem before that, and since I was taken off of them, I don't have a problem any more.  I can relate to how they feel about being fat, of course.  That I totally get, no matter what they weigh or what I weigh or have weighed, it doesn't matter.  The feelings are the same.  I think that's what keeps drawing me back to their blogs.  Except...I don't understand trying all of these fad diets.  I just don't think they work, at least not for me.  For me, I figured out a new way to eat for the rest of my life, I changed my diet completely, not just for a period of time, and that's how I'm going to eat from now on, not until I reach my "goal weight".  I don't think "cutting out this type of food" or going on deprivation diets work long term.  But that's just my opinion, I know that people have lost 100+ pounds doing that.  It doesn't work for me, and I don't know how I would maintain my weight once I stopped doing what I had done to get there.  And you know, it doesn't sound healthy to me either.  But what do I know, I'm the one with the body that's falling apart!  Well, sort of.  I'm actually pretty healthy besides, well, I won't go over the list.

That's it, just needed to vent.  Have a great weekend! : )


Ray Tyler said...

I hope the result of your mammogram
is good news for you

KansasSunflower said...

Thank you, Ray! ; ) Me too, I'm sure it will be!

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