I took a shower and was starting to really panic, so I came downstairs and took 2 klonipin. I mean, that's what they're for, right? I looked up everything on the internet: breast fibroids, breast cysts, but none of them described what I have exactly. But neither does breast cancer. I haven't paid any attention all of this time to it, though, I mean my doctor had to tell me about it, so I have no idea what it does during menstruation, etc.?
I started getting scared when I remembered all of the times I've been in that pit of depression (I mean, countless times) and I've prayed to God to take my life. Being bipolar comes with its own demons, and bipolar depression, for me, is the demon I try hardest to shake. I know the suicide rate of bipolars is high, or so they tell me. I've never been able to muster the courage to take my own life, and I've wanted to, so many times. Before I checked myself into the psych ward, I went through months of praying that very prayer over and over every single day - for God to take my life. What if I'm now being granted that wish? I know that's ridiculous. Blame God. But I didn't know then that my life would get better, you don't know what you don't know, you know? You feel so hopeless, that you'll never feel better, that everything will always be dark and empty with the big dark rain cloud hovering above your head, clouding your vision about everything, but it doesn't stay that way forever! But how could I have known that?
So maybe this is a good lesson for me. I'll go get my test, find out whatever it is I have, that I'm fine, or that it's treatable, whatever, and next time depression hits, I'll remember how it feels when you don't know if you'll have a choice. YES I realize how melodramatic I'm being. Do people not understand that men and women go through this when they're told they might have cancer, then schedule them for a test ten days later? Especially for someone who is prone to panic attacks, although I think for anyone, it would lead them to panic! My doctor was very careful when she was explaining everything to me, and then asked me if she had scared me, if I was okay, and at that time she hadn't, but as the days have gone by, well yeah, reading things on the internet has not helped!
It's good Mark is on a plane home right now and not reachable by phone. He does not need to hear me freaking out, he is worried enough on his own. I know I'm probably freaking out for no reason, but really, who gets that kind of news, gets scheduled for a test ten days LATER, and just puts it out of their mind without thinking of the consequences? I don't know, maybe a "normal" person can, who knows? If so, I'm definitely not "normal". Well, I guess that was already obvious. : )