I had to go back to the OB/GYN (my God when will this ever end?) because she felt a fibroid in my uterus at my last visit, and had scheduled a sonogram later because the person had been out for spring break or something. So I went back in, and she found not one, but five. Okay, whatever. She told me they were benign, so I don't really care. Third time I've had them, they've been removed before, but I don't really see a reason to do it again.
So I go back out to the waiting room, and the nurse comes to get me. Instead of putting me in a room, she puts me in the doctor's office in a chair behind her desk. That freaks me out. That's the same place she put me last time when the doctor came in and said I needed a hysterectomy and I talked her out of it a year and a half ago. So I start panicking, thinking "My God, when will this health nightmare end?". I'm thinking the worst, maybe it's NOT benign, as she's keeping me waiting....15 minutes....30 minutes....45 minutes....trying SO HARD not to cry, sending Mark "freak out" texts. She finally comes in, explains the situation, and that she doesn't think we should do anything right now unless this and that happens. So basically I monitor the situation through symptoms and if all goes well, she'll see me next year at my exam. Whew! So FINALLY some good information on my health. Sort of. I guess. I mean, it could have been so much worse.
But that's not what was so bad. Okay, so I was already somewhat of an emotional wreck. And this really was my fault, because my BMW tells me when I have a tire problem, and it had been telling me for days that one of my tires had "low air" and to get it fixed asap. But everytime I remembered that message was when I got in the car and was on the way to an appointment or early in the morning when no place was open and I couldn't get someone to check it out. They're "run flat" tires, just too much to explain if someone doesn't know how that works, but basically, you can't tell if your tire is flat by driving on it, only if the "low air" message comes on, except, every time the "low air" message has come on in my car, I get it checked out, and it's really just been low on air, not a flat tire, so I didn't really think it was a urgent issue. Except. I got out of my dr.'s office, went to my car, and the tire was flat. I thought, "well, it's a run flat, I should be able to drive it to the dealer", except I couldn't. It was impossible. I had driven on it being flat for too long I guess.
So, just have someone change the tire, right? My BMW doesn't COME with a spare tire. It has run flats! And Mark is in Chicago, and was giving me advice over the phone the whole time, and of course "I guess you'll know next time when it says low air to take care of it" hardee har har, right? But he felt so bad that he wasn't here to help me, and honestly? I felt so helpless. Not because I can't take care of myself and not because I don't know what to do, because I called roadside assistance and everything, but what made me feel really crappy is once they were on their way, I realized....I didn't feel like I had anyone to call to come pick me up and take me home. Mark was out of town and I suddenly felt, all alone. I started crying, really crying, and Mark was suggesting people to call and it was making it worse, I kept telling him I would call a taxi, but the car would be gone and then where would I wait for it? He actually came up with a really good idea that worked out really well in the end, but it was a very low moment for me.
There was a hotel nearby that I didn't recognize, but when I said the name, he said "Hey, so and so has stayed there when he was in town!". So I walked there, asked the concierge to call me a cab and gave him a big tip. He walked me to the bar and suggested I order something to eat, and he would come and get me when the cab got there. He did, the cab driver was so nice and friendly, and it all worked out perfectly. Everyone could have been rude and unhelpful which would have topped off my perfectly lousy day and would have had me crying in an instant.
I think the last two weeks just all got to me today. All of the bad news, worrying, wondering, bad luck, for about 15 minutes in the car while I waited for a tow truck in a church parking lot, I just cried and cried.
Yes, my life could be worse, Yes, things HAVE been worse. Yes, there are positive and good things in my life. Yes, there are things about my life that I count myself as very lucky as having and being, etc. But every once in awhile, things get to you, you know?
I suppose that right now that is something I should count myself as lucky. I'm not STILL crying. I'm not STILL depressed. I got over it. I picked myself up, went to the hotel, did what I needed to do, got home, and here I am, just fine. Not exactly happy, but okay. I can't count the number of times that I was not able to just pick myself up and move on, I would be laying in bed crying right now, unable to shake off the feelings, the depression, wanting to die, who knows? Maybe I would have felt that way before I even went to the doctor. Maybe I wouldn't have even gone to the doctor. Or maybe I would have been hoping she would tell me I was dying.
So, I have been better and I have been worse. Maybe that's just life?