Hypomanic Agitation

I think I'm hypomanic.  No, I know it.

I don't know when it started.  I do remember that I started talking more.  Mark and I would be watching television, and I was commenting during shows on EVERYTHING.  He was polite about it, but sometimes he would have to go back in the show to see what he missed when I was talking.  Then he mentioned that I seemed really happy.  I thought about it, and yes, I was happy, but there was nothing in my life bothering me, so why wouldn't I be happy?  Things would make me laugh really hard, but I wasn't all giddy.  My speech wasn't pressured.  It was just genuine happiness and a bit too talkative.

I have been waking up a lot during the night and getting up for an hour or so then going back to bed and able to fall asleep.  But that's not abnormal for me, it's just that it happens more frequently during the night.  And I don't feel tired the next day. 

But the last few days has taken a darker turn that has made me realize I am probably hypermanic, the side that is not so pleasant.  I'm agitated, irritated, angry.  I'll read an article in a magazine, on the internet, or play a game on my phone that involves other people I don't even know, and I get overwhelmingly agitated.  Now that I'm looking back, sure, the instances were not pleasant happenings, but I was not proportionately angry, and it lasted way too long, I couldn't just get over it.  I'm still angry, and there's no reason to be.  Nobody did anything to me directly.  No one insulted me.  No one hurt me.  No one threatened me.  Or anybody that I know. 

But see, at the time, I think what I feel is justified, to the extreme level that I feel it, and now I'm afraid of what I might do or say when I feel that agitated.  I have been in those situations in the past, and have said things things that I have greatly regretted.  I don't stop and think, "Is this rational?".  It just happens all too quickly.  Even knowing that I have this problem right now does not mean I won't keep myself from acting out on what I feel.  When it is that overwhelming, I sometimes feel I am justified to do or say something at that time, and will explode if I don't.  It would seem to be a great injustice if I didn't. 

I know, I should go to my doctor.  I know, however extreme I feel right now, I will feel that extreme on the other end eventually.  But I do NOT want my medication changed.  I don't want to be drugged up again, like a zombie, unable to wake up in the morning and gaining a hundred pounds.  I don't like feeling over-medicated, I don't like feeling medicated at all.  Isn't four medications for bipolar disorder enough?  Well, three if you don't count Klonipin, which I just took to hopefully take away the agitation. 

I haven't spent a lot of money, gone a shopping spree, although yes, I did have to buy a few clothes which my husband was with me when I bought because I had NONE that fit.  I'm in between sizes.  Either too big, or many of the clothes I used to wear are still about a size too small. 

If the hypomania hadn't turned into irrational agitation, I wouldn't have even cared, I would have just thought I was happy, and not even overly so, just a "spring fever" type of thing. 

But now I know to stay away from all forms of social media, because I have a habit of lashing out in those instances and regretting it.

That's why it's so important for me to keep a blog.  So I can go back in the future and look back and seee "aha, that's when it started and that's how I felt".  Hopefully I won't have to do that, though.

No comments:

Back to Top