No Life Goals?

Tuesday and Wednesday I cleaned out the closet (extremely big job), and hangers are stacked everywhere in the garage, and bags of clothes to give away are piled high in the bedroom.  It feels really good to get rid of old clothes and clothes that are too big.  I tried on some of my clothes that I haven't been able to wear for several years now, and some of them fit already!  Not all, some aren't too close yet, but some do!  It seems like it wasn't that long ago that I tried on one of the skirts and wasn't even close to being able to button it, let alone zip it.  Now the zipper slides right up!

I'm so unproductive these days, except for cleaning out the closet.  I've basically been hanging around the house doing nothing, I've even stopped running.  I should have gone back to enroll for school this week, but I haven't yet, and it's Thursday, and school starts on Monday.  Mark and I have a marriage counseling appointment this afternoon, so I'm going to go to school after that.  When I start back to school, I plan on getting up early again and running twice a week during the week, and then once more on the weekend.  This sitting around doing nothing has to stop.  I haven't even been doing my transcription job from home.  Not a single audio file, and I've had plenty of free time the last few weeks, NOTHING but free time.  Days, even weeks of nothing but free time.  I don't know how to explain it exactly.  Why have I just sat here doing nothing?  I mean sure, I went to the grocery store, or got a spray tan, or got my nails done, but that doesn't take very long of an entire week.  I guess there were always doctor's appointments.  ALWAYS those, and I was always anxious about those.  Perhaps that was it.  I was always sitting around depressed and worried about my health - my cough, what was causing it, would it ever go away?  The lump in my breast, was it cancer?  Maybe that's it, I don't know.  But it seems like an endless time of doing nothing.  I guess at the very least I'm glad I wasn't sitting around doing nothing and eating.

I'm very anxious today.  I keep running to the bathroom.  Maybe it's just the coffee I had, or maybe it's the counseling appointment and going to school to enroll today.  I've got to jump start my life though.  My life can't be a wasteland forever.  It's very depressing, especially when you think you might have cancer and look at your life and realize, "maybe I never had any goals that I wanted to achieve that I didn't live up to anyway".  Why don't I have any lifetime goals?  It's depressing, actually.

2 comments:

Ray Tyler said...

Congratulations, you have made the first two steps towards coming to grips with your life.
Number one was realizing that you don't like where it is currently at.
Number two is that you have realized that it is largely up to you to do something about it. That is not to say that you can't seek help.
It is now time to take the next step and move your life forward. All the best with that.

KansasSunflower said...

Ray - thanks! I completely agree! Taking the steps I know I need to do is making me feel so much more positive! I wonder how long it will last...

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