I'm so unproductive these days, except for cleaning out the closet. I've basically been hanging around the house doing nothing, I've even stopped running. I should have gone back to enroll for school this week, but I haven't yet, and it's Thursday, and school starts on Monday. Mark and I have a marriage counseling appointment this afternoon, so I'm going to go to school after that. When I start back to school, I plan on getting up early again and running twice a week during the week, and then once more on the weekend. This sitting around doing nothing has to stop. I haven't even been doing my transcription job from home. Not a single audio file, and I've had plenty of free time the last few weeks, NOTHING but free time. Days, even weeks of nothing but free time. I don't know how to explain it exactly. Why have I just sat here doing nothing? I mean sure, I went to the grocery store, or got a spray tan, or got my nails done, but that doesn't take very long of an entire week. I guess there were always doctor's appointments. ALWAYS those, and I was always anxious about those. Perhaps that was it. I was always sitting around depressed and worried about my health - my cough, what was causing it, would it ever go away? The lump in my breast, was it cancer? Maybe that's it, I don't know. But it seems like an endless time of doing nothing. I guess at the very least I'm glad I wasn't sitting around doing nothing and eating.
I'm very anxious today. I keep running to the bathroom. Maybe it's just the coffee I had, or maybe it's the counseling appointment and going to school to enroll today. I've got to jump start my life though. My life can't be a wasteland forever. It's very depressing, especially when you think you might have cancer and look at your life and realize, "maybe I never had any goals that I wanted to achieve that I didn't live up to anyway". Why don't I have any lifetime goals? It's depressing, actually.