Back From Vacation!

My vacation was a lot of fun, but dramamine mixed with alcohol and probably my other medications is NOT a good combination for me.  Even though I took dramamine, I immediately felt incredibly motion sick on take off, so I took 3 klonipin hoping that would help.  I fell asleep, so it did, but of course it knocked me out.  We had gotten up at 3 am to take an early flight so we would have an entire day to spend doing things, but I had packed things up until midnight that night - not good.

I was doing my best to be a good sport, but then we went on a dinner cruise that night and that's when the alcohol got involved.  I drink a few glasses of wine about once a week with dinner when we go out, but this time I had champagne, I tried a martini for the first time, and I'm not sure what else.  All of a sudden, I got upset that they weren't "telling" us the sights as we were going by, which I thought they were going to do.  Mark was trying to be positive, I guess, and told me he could tell me what they were.  That made me SO ANGRY, I have no idea why.  I remember thinking who did he think he was, he didn't know, all he knew was from the internet, and I no longer wanted to be on that cruise with him.  I remember it was dark and the lights were twinkling from the city, and I could see cars going over bridges, and I was thinking, "I wish I was alone in one of those cars going to my own place where I lived by myself".  It was CRAZY!  I looked at my watch and announced to Mark "Well, I guess we have 40 minutes of THIS!", because, of course, we were trapped on the boat.  He isn't a dancer, so of course he never wanted to get up and dance.  I know, by the way I'm making it sound, it probably doesn't seem like I wanted to dance, but I did. 

Finally it was over, and we went to get a taxi to go back to our hotel at around midnight, but of course, no taxis, just as I had told him there wouldn't be.  So there were all of these people just standing around.  I have been there before and had problems getting taxis in the city, he told me he read they would be everywhere, so I was once again got angry, even though he had asked the taxi driver on the way over if there would be taxis after the cruise and he told him yes.  So we walked for BLOCKS and BLOCKS in my six inch heels and finally found a cab.  It's probably not a bad thing.  Physical exercise has a way of cooling down a temper.

But other than that, the trip was great.  We saw all the sights, walked so much that my feet were painfully, incredibily sore, and I don't understand that.  Mark had gotten up that morning and ran 10 miles, and walked the same distance I did, yet his feet didn't hurt.  I went and got a massage at the hotel for my legs and feet afterward, and the masseur said it was probably my shoes since I'm a runner.  So I've ordered new shoes.  I don't know if that's it.

On our first day, I went to a psychic because I've never been to one.  She told me things with tarot cards she couldn't have possibly known, but she also said a few things that I don't see how they could come true.  I guess the things in the past and present were basically true, so anything she told me about the future that I didn't like troubled me, and it kind of hung over me like a cloud for the rest of the day.  I know I shouldn't believe in that stuff, and I really don't, yet she said so much that was true, but at the same time, maybe what she said was true is true for most people, so she says it to everyone.

Mark was a trooper and went to a music festival with me today, which he has always hated.  He acted like he had a good time, at least he was a good sport about it. 

I missed FOUR days of school, when I only intended to miss two.  I missed an extra one at the beginning but I just ran out of time getting everything ready, and then I stayed home an extra day because I was so freaking tired and I wanted to spend time with my dog because I missed him terribly.

But then, after being gone so long and out of practice, I passed a Jury Charge test, with only 15 errors!  Wow, I was shocked, and so happy!  It has definitely motivated me more. 

On my trip, I gained about 3 or 4 pounds, and I can totally see it in the mirror.  Also, in the pictures Mark took, I see how fat I still am, and can TOTALLY not believe it.  But...it is inspiration to finish my weight loss and pick my running back up to where it once was.  I had slacked off running as many times a week as I was, so now it's time to get back to my regular schedule, and perhaps measuring everything I eat again.  Maybe even tracking it, too.  Ugh.  But, it works.

My hearing is out of control bad.  I tried to make an appointment to get my hearing re-checked to see if it had gotten worse on Friday, but the office had already closed.  I guess I'll go ahead and get hearing aids, it's ridiculous.  I'm tired of asking people to repeat what they said over and over, not hearing Mark or misunderstanding him, like, every sentence that he says.  Never hearing what our waiter is saying.  Not hearing the music in the car at all and Mark is actually singing the words to what he can hear.  The tours we took on vacation was the big eye-opener.  I just couldn't hear the tour guides.  I had to fight to make sure I was dead center whenever they moved.  If I was in the middle or the back of the group, I couldn't hear what they were saying.  I'm tired of living this way. 

I don't know if my dysphoria is gone.  I guess it is.  How do you know for sure?  Nothing has made me insanely upset, but does that mean there hasn't been a trigger?  I hate analyzing moods, and right now, I just don't have the energy.















10 comments:

Gledwood said...

I used to be able to read tarot cards, years ago. I always told them NOT to tell me the question... and sure enough two men always appeared in the spread (the questioner was nearly always young and female)... and what was each one going to do and what should she do...

There definitely is something to tarot cards, because when they're really working the deck starts crackling with a magic of its own.

But then I decided I believed in God and the cards went away...

Glad you had a good holiday!

In the Pink said...

It is good you are doing something about your hearing. My Grandpa is near deaf but he refuses that anything is wrong. It gets frustrating having to yell at him all the time. And I wouldn't beat yourself up to much over the weight gain. You can lose it again. Anyhow I hope you did enjoy your time off. Oh and congratulations on passing the test!

Anonymous said...

I know all about that feeling on the boat. My boyfriend said something to me this morning while walking the dog. I snapped back at him and just wanted to pack my shit up and leave. I had to show him your blog and say "SEE! This is what I'm feeling like during those moments!" I understand that for you, this blog is cathartic. Finding this blog has been reassuring for me. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

I feel like we're the same person!! I'm tempted to start blogging again but then I always hate what I write because I don't like seeing my actual thoughts written out, they freak me out a little bit. Anyways, I'm glad I stumbled across your blog, makes me not feel alone!

KansasSunflower said...

Gledwood - spooky stuff! I just remembered she told me to make a wish, but in the end, she never told me if my wish came true.

I went to your website to suggest about antipsychotics, but people were way more educated about what to take in your condition than I am (major congrats by the way! That's so awesome!) : ) I was switched to Latuda from Seroquel and Geoden, but as far as anxiety, yes, I have some. I just dug my heels in rode it out, and now take klonipin when it's overwhelming. Zyprexa is awful, I gained so much weight on that stuff. TONS of weight. I mean TONS, but it's really a matter of what side effects you're willing to put up with. Good luck, keep me posted! : )

KansasSunflower said...

Pink - EXACTLY! You said your "Grandpa"! That's why I didn't get hearing aids the first time - they seemed like it meant I was elderly!!! And it was borderline - they said I might love them, or I might not care. But I think it's worse. Thanks for the congrats on the test! : )

KansasSunflower said...

Anon - Thanks! : ) Your boyfriend must hate me now! I really feel like it was the dramamine/alchohol mix, but I felt so alone, even though we were together.

KansasSunflower said...

Anon - yes, you should start writing again! Does it freak you out because you have a blog and it's public? Maybe you could make it private (although I would want to read it!) : ) It's very interesting to go back in your blog to say, a year or two ago, and think, "I was thinking/feeling THAT?" Ha! : )

LiveLaughRun said...

Ok I made one!! lol Hopefullyyy I'll keep at it!

KansasSunflower said...

LLR - I just read it! I love it! : )

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