I was on my way to school, leaving the neighborhood, and a police officer on a motorcycle was at the end of the street right outside of the subdivision. He stopped me and told me to make a u-turn and park. I did, and he gave me a ticket for going 44 in a 30, but that's not what made me so mad. He told me that the police had been getting complaints from neighbors that people had been driving too fast on that street, but he was nice and said to call my neighbors that I knew to let them know he was out there, I assume so they wouldn't get tickets.
The more I thought about that, the more angry I got. Those neighbors, who I don't even consider my neighbors because we live in the gated part of the community and they don't, actually took the time to call the police and complain? We pay 3-5 times the HOA monthly fees than they do. They're not MY neighbors, they're the riff raff we keep out, and they have the nerve to call the police on me? See, this is what I was thinking, I'm not thinking it now. But I was thinking up all kinds of ways to get back at them, because they had caused me to get a ticket, and in my mind I could just see them peeking out of their windows watching me get a ticket and giggling to themselves. So I had decided that once I saw a cop was not at the end of the street, to speed down that street to get to the gated part where we live as often as I could. I mean, that's as irrational as it got. Woo, speed down a street, such a rebel - ha! But it consumed me so much that that was all I could think about. I was sitting in class at school, getting SO mad even hours later that I couldn't concentrate and had to leave school an hour early.
But now this is maybe Day 4 or 5 of doubling my Lamictal because I'd felt so incredibly agitated, and I feel completely different. I noticed it on my way to school this morning. I tried to put into words for myself at the time how exactly I would describe what I felt. At first I thought I was melancholy, but no, I wasn't sad. Then I thought I just didn't care about anything, and got concerned. But that didn't really seem true either.
I think what has happened is I simply care LESS about everything. Perhaps I had been so revved up about everything around me and I cared too MUCH that in comparison, it seems like I don't care at all. In actuality, I think I just care less, which is a good thing! I must admit, even feeling very angry seems kind of good in retrospect. Just feeling something PASSIONATELY seems impossible for me right now. It's like a night and day change emotionally. It will take some time to adjust, to not feel like I'm "missing out" out something. Like I'm going from a world full of color to a world full of soft and dark grays.
And I feel somewhat physically exhausted. It could be that not sleeping through the night every night for so long has finally caught up with me. I was up maybe an hour and half in the middle of the night last night. Perhaps I no longer have the energy to do that and be okay without sleep any more.
I went to my family doctor today to get what I hoped would be ear patches for my motion sickness for our vacation next week, and he referred me to a freaking neurologist, because he didn't feel comfortable prescribing something not knowing what reaction something might have with what I currently take! Really? A neurologist for MOTION SICKNESS?? But now I feel like I don't have a choice. Take dramamine and sleep all day, or go to the neurologist. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. And there's no guarantee that if I go to the neurologist he'll even give me any freaking medicine!
I am excited that our vacation is next week! Although I must admit, it would have been nice to be that fun, bubbly, excitable person on our vacation, instead of maybe the boring, colorless person I might be instead.
Who is the real me? The unmedicated me, but apparently, not one that is appropriate for the world to see. Sure would be SO much less complicated!!!!