Past Irritation

My agitation/anger finally ended but came to an explosion - well, for me, kind of a mini-explosion, a few days ago.

I was on my way to school, leaving the neighborhood, and a police officer on a motorcycle was at the end of the street right outside of the subdivision. He stopped me and told me to make a u-turn and park. I did, and he gave me a ticket for going 44 in a 30, but that's not what made me so mad. He told me that the police had been getting complaints from neighbors that people had been driving too fast on that street, but he was nice and said to call my neighbors that I knew to let them know he was out there, I assume so they wouldn't get tickets.

The more I thought about that, the more angry I got. Those neighbors, who I don't even consider my neighbors because we live in the gated part of the community and they don't, actually took the time to call the police and complain? We pay 3-5 times the HOA monthly fees than they do. They're not MY neighbors, they're the riff raff we keep out, and they have the nerve to call the police on me? See, this is what I was thinking, I'm not thinking it now. But I was thinking up all kinds of ways to get back at them, because they had caused me to get a ticket, and in my mind I could just see them peeking out of their windows watching me get a ticket and giggling to themselves. So I had decided that once I saw a cop was not at the end of the street, to speed down that street to get to the gated part where we live as often as I could. I mean, that's as irrational as it got. Woo, speed down a street, such a rebel - ha! But it consumed me so much that that was all I could think about. I was sitting in class at school, getting SO mad even hours later that I couldn't concentrate and had to leave school an hour early.

But now this is maybe Day 4 or 5 of doubling my Lamictal because I'd felt so incredibly agitated, and I feel completely different.  I noticed it on my way to school this morning.  I tried to put into words for myself at the time how exactly I would describe what I felt.  At first I thought I was melancholy, but no, I wasn't sad.  Then I thought I just didn't care about anything, and got concerned.  But that didn't really seem true either.

I think what has happened is I simply care LESS about everything.  Perhaps I had been so revved up about everything around me and I cared too MUCH that in comparison, it seems like I don't care at all.  In actuality, I think I just care less, which is a good thing!  I must admit, even feeling very angry seems kind of good in retrospect.  Just feeling something PASSIONATELY seems impossible for me right now.  It's like a night and day change emotionally.  It will take some time to adjust, to not feel like I'm "missing out" out something.  Like I'm going from a world full of color to a world full of soft and dark grays.

And I feel somewhat physically exhausted.  It could be that not sleeping through the night every night for so long has finally caught up with me.  I was up maybe an hour and half in the middle of the night last night.  Perhaps I no longer have the energy to do that and be okay without sleep any more.

I went to my family doctor today to get what I hoped would be ear patches for my motion sickness for our vacation next week, and he referred me to a freaking neurologist, because he didn't feel comfortable prescribing something not knowing what reaction something might have with what I currently take!  Really?  A neurologist for MOTION SICKNESS??  But now I feel like I don't have a choice.  Take dramamine and sleep all day, or go to the neurologist.  Damned if you do, damned if you don't.  And there's no guarantee that if I go to the neurologist he'll even give me any freaking medicine!
I am excited that our vacation is next week!  Although I must admit, it would have been nice to be that fun, bubbly, excitable person on our vacation, instead of maybe the boring, colorless person I might be instead.

Who is the real me?  The unmedicated me, but apparently, not one that is appropriate for the world to see.   Sure would be SO much less complicated!!!!

11 comments:

Gledwood said...

Do you normally undersleep in depression? I oversleep. Up to 17 hours a day, which is most inconvenient. I spent all last week depressed and irritable with a kind of unfocused inner raging fury... but now it seems to have gone. I hope that extra lamictal kicks in fast for you. Lamotrigine is the only mood stabilizer I really wanted. If I have to go on mood stabilizers. My dr put me on antipsychotics bc the diagnosis is schizoaffective bipolar and not straight bipolar and apparently antipsychotics can work better for that anyhow take care ;-)

KansasSunflower said...

Gledwood - that's a lot of sleeping! Yes, I want to sleep a LOT too when I'm depressed! I'm glad you're feeling better. : ) I hate antipsychotics, but I take one, too. What else are you going to do, you know? : )

Gledwood said...

17 hours is the usual max. I can easily sleep 12 hours straight then another 3 in the afternoon. Not good, huh?

Gledwood said...

ps if you really wanna keep the rifraff out, gated communities are wonderful (so I hear)... if a little expensive... don't some of the supposedly "real" housewives of orange county live in one?...

dysphoric hypomania?... sounds horrible

as for being boring and colourless, wouldn't you rather be that than raging all the time? not much of a choice i know but hey...

KansasSunflower said...

Gledwood - yes, I'd rather be that than raging all the time I suppose. And true about the Real Housewives of Orange County. I know I'm being incredibly rude about my so-called air quotes "neighbors", but I'm still angry at them. My husband said, "Well, you WERE speeding,"...yes, and I will continue to do so!

Gledwood said...

The police are RIDICULOUS sometimes, forget the oft quoted line that they "ought to be out catching murderers"... it's the burglars and muggers who need catching first ;-)

Anonymous said...

Do you find the lamictol effective? I've just recently been diagnosed with BP and was really hesitant to consider medication. That is the same as what I have been prescribed, though at a low dose. The potential side effects make me nervous.

Anyway. I'm following you, and am new to the blog thing! Enjoy your vacation!

~Swell

KansasSunflower said...

Yes, Gledwood, much agreed! : ) I'm sure my air quotes "neighbors" wouldn't agree with us!

KansasSunflower said...

Anon - I'm sorry about your diagnosis, but I hope you've found some peace in getting answers.

Yes, I highly recommend Lamictal! I've been on countless medications, and the side effects can be horrible, with weight gain, for me, being the worst, unless you count allergic reactions.

The only complaint of Lamictal I know of is a rash when it is increased too rapidly. I never experienced it, and it sounds like you have a good doctor that started you on a low dose.

I've taken it for maybe...10 years? It's helped me a lot!

Good luck! : )

Swelltide said...

Thanks. It's scary. I've been picking through your posts here and there. I appreciate the reply. Does the med even you out all around? What I've read-- it focuses mostly on the mania side and not so much the depression.

KansasSunflower said...

Swell - I agree, it's scary, but I think it should be!

Yes, the meds even me out, I can be a basket case without them. I am sometimes a basket case with them! Just to a much less degree, and most of the time, not at all.

I know you've read about the mania, but that is NOT why I take medication. I could handle the mania, the anger, etc. I don't do anything irrational. It's the depression.

I've been suicidal, deeply, deeply depressed for months, maybe years on end, not taking showers for weeks, crying for days, I can't even begin to explain to anyone the deepest depths my depressions will go. It's so hard to describe with words, it's just has to be FELT, you know? Which I wish on no one, including my worst of worst enemies!

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