What Is "Normal" Happy?

I no longer feel dyphoric, although I do seem to be back to talking a lot and generally in a good mood.  It's so confusing when you're just overall "happy".  When is it "too much"?  Why do I have to feel guilty about feeling happy and not bland and boring/bored?  I'm not doing anything irrational, buying only things I need, but I'm sure bipolars who spend too much money think they NEED everything they're buying.  But that's not the case.  I haven't spent money we don't have nor for things that I can't justify.  Besides, that's never been an issue for me.

I just sing along with songs, laugh at things, like to talk about things, tell stories, just back to my bubbly self.  Why does that have to be a BAD thing?  No one has ever actually told me that that was a bad thing.  It's when my mood is too high and the consequences from that is when it becomes a problem.  I don't want that, but I don't know WHEN it's a problem, and WHEN I am just genuinely happy!  I mean, I'm about to go on vacation!

Can't I just be happy and excited to go on a freaking vacation?  Why do I have to analyze every stupid mood I have to see "am I too high?  am I too low?  will I crash?  what if, what if, what if?"  I'm sick of it.

If I encounter a problem, there's a consequence, or someone brings my behavior to my attention, then I'll know for sure.  Until then, whatever.

My irritation may have subsided, but that does NOT mean I am over being upset with my "neighbors" that I don't consider my "neighbors".  That's what the police officer called them that wrote me the ticket for speeding on THEIR street in THEIR section.  They had a Cinco de Mayo party at the pool/clubhouse and for some reason the freaking mayor was there (???).  I had forgotten about it, not that I would have gone, but we drove by, and when I saw it, Mark was in the middle of a story.  I interrupted him and pointed to it and told him to stop.  I wanted to march over there and get to the bottom of the whole situation.  Would I really have done anything?  Confrontation isn't normally in my nature.  But just seeing all of them made me mad.  Of course the last thing Mark would have done is stop and let me out of the car. 

How have I reacted to getting and paying the $178.10 ticket that my "neighbors" imposed on me?  Not well.  If it was meant to get me to stop speeding on their street, they got the exact opposite.  If we are truly "neighbors", there are so many better ways to go about it than complaining to the POLICE.  How is that neighborly?  The thing is, I paid attention to my normal driving habits in my neighborhood.  Yes, in their neighborhood, I do speed.  But once I get past the gates into MY neighborhood, for some reason I slow down to about 20 instead of 45?  It may be the blind curves and hills that they just don't have.  Their area is straight away blocks. 

I cancelled the stupid, stupid neurology appointment my family doctor made for me for MOTION SICKNESS!  I'm starting to think that maybe he doesn't want me to be his patient because I'm bipolar.  Maybe that's not the exact reason, but maybe because he's afraid of mixing anything with my medications, I really have no idea.  Either way, he won't prescribe anything to me, which tells me he doesn't want to be my doctor.  I got to thinking - if I go to a neurologist for simple motion sickness medication for my trip, I would have to go through a whole neurology exam.  Seeing that I take so many psychiatric medications, sure, I probably have some funky neurological side effects.  And lately, every time I go to the doctor, something has been really wrong with me.  Even Mark admitted, if you go, you'll probably end up getting an MRI and who knows what else?  It's true, I am a magnet for problems right now.  He'll diagnose me with MS or something horrible.  If I don't go, then there's nothing wrong with me!  So the decision was pretty easy to make.  CANCEL THE APPOINTMENT! 

On a positive note, I tried on the same brand of jeans today that I wore in October of last year, and I dropped 2 sizes!  That's pretty amazing! : )  From 12 to 8, which I know may not seem that small to a lot of people, but my normal size is 6, so almost there!  Although, it does seem to me like sizes are bigger now?  Is that true?  Even my old clothes that I can wear now, it seems like they aren't as small as they seemed to be at the time.  It's a very odd thing.  Maybe I wasn't as thin as I thought I was.


Gledwood said...

I second-guess myself all the time. I get the feeling most people who get bipolar mood swings do. Especially when I feel excited about anything... then I always have in the back of my mind "am I going manic?"

I had about 5 or 6 days around a week ago when I definitely experienced racing thoughts, was pacing about and dancing, couldn't sleep... yes I felt more excitable than usual, but not really really high. I only considered something "wrong" because I know racing thoughts are supposed to be a sign of hypomania. Otherwise the entire thing would have passed me by without me noticing. As for not being able to concentrate on anything I read, I just would have told myself that was because it was boring and not worthy of my attention anyhow...

Looking back I could have been hypomanic loads of times over the years and never even known it! I had a friend who always told me I was bipolar, but I never knew exactly why...

But when you know the symptoms inside-out, and know your own warning signs, that's when the second-guessing and the guilt kick in.

One last thing: do you know any good antipsychotics that are not too sedating (eg Seroquel) and that don't cause anxiety (Risperdal)... I tried 2 in the past year or so and have a horrible feeling I'm going to have to find a 3rd.

If you can say anything, please comment here:


KansasSunflower said...

Gledwood, yes, I can totally relate! Sorry for the late response, I just got back from my trip. I'm going to comment on your page! : )

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