When Will It Change?

I wrote our marriage counselor about what happened with Mark, and she said that "I Just Want to Die" usually means 'I Just Want The Pain to End", but the gun thing was alarming.  She told me to asked if he intended to harm himself, he laughed and said it was a coincidence because he'd been working on the things he'd been wanting to do, and seemed better.  She wants him to come and see a different counselor other than her in her office, but he has to want to go, and he doesn't.

I thought he seemed better, but he's not.  He seems angry a lot.  I think the anger stems from anxiety which stems from depression.  He yells, but says the yelling is not directed AT me, he's just yelling when he's talking about something TO me.  He agrees it's from his depression, and explains it's a man's way of crying, but I told him that doesn't mean it's okay to yell at your wife.  He still has a short temper with me.  I find myself getting angry at him and holding it in, but then the next time I get angry at him, I just get that much more angrier, and it continues to build and build and build.

So today, I don't even feel like explaining the whole thing, but we got into a huge blowout fight, worst one we've had in years and years.  I even started packing my suitcase to leave.  Oh, just thinking about it is making me very angry again.  I'm not over it yet, and this time, I don't know when I will be.  I'm pretty mad and upset.  It sucks that this would have to be our 3 day weekend together, when we don't even want to be around each other. 

I don't think it helped that we went to dinner with his parents on Saturday night.  All they did at the end was say they were praying for him to go back to church - afterwards I said that was nice, I would like to go back to church, too.  Again, his anger came back out full force.  How I didn't understand this, I didn't understand that, how could they say that, on and on.  Another whole story that would be a blog entry in itself to explain.  But whatever, I just said it meant that they cared, but apparently it was the wrong thing to say.  Everything is the wrong thing to say.

 So after our huge blowout fight, he was trying to make up a little, and started saying a few things that I was right about that we had been arguing about during the week.  I was too angry, and didn't want to hear it.  So NOW you're going to listen to me, but you were willing to fight me to the ground on it before?  Too little, too late and too obvious.  He started saying how he wouldn't be good at something, and I'm usually his biggest cheerleader, but I didn't have it in me  He was going on and on, and I finally said "I just don't have it in me to encourage you right now."  He has no idea how often I'm in his corner, what a positive influence I am in his life, NO IDEA.  I'm constantly telling him he can do things, which I always believe that he can, but it's just not in me anymore. 

I don't feel appreciated, and I don't like feeling like a burden.  I'm actually really sick of the whole situation. 

At one point, he said tomorrow this will all seem exaggerated.  Well, it's tomorrow, even though it's 1:41am.  Doesn't seem exaggerated yet.  I still feel the same.


In the Pink said...

(HUG) I don't know what more to say. Hang in there girl.

KansasSunflower said...

Thanks, Pink : )

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