But one thing that comes to mind is Mark's depression and how it turned to anger for the last month or so before counseling. He was anxious, it was pretty bad, and he told me it was all kinds of things, and I was there for him. I constantly asked how he was feeling, tried to help him, yet I didn't want him "yelling at me" when he felt angry from the anxiety, and had brought that up in counseling. SOMEHOW it all circled back to being my fault, the counselor saying that the original reason we came to counseling was because Mark couldn't talk to me and had pent up issues, and Mark agreed and named one, although he talked about so many other issues he had that had NOTHING to do with me, and in the end, they both ganged up on me about this one issue and it felt like they were saying all of Mark's problems were my fault. Are your freaking kidding me? Oh my God, just writing that is making me so mad. All the changes I've made in the last year for him from counseling, and they're going to go there, seriously? I know for a FACT that is not what was wrong with him. I know it hasn't been the reason for his drinking problem in the past, and things like that. He has some serious issues that keep coming up and just did that he was talking about before we went to counseling that caused his depression that was turning into anger! Not that this one issue does not bother him (if you must know, picking up piles around the house, like my mail on the kitchen bar - see?), so yes, it's an irritant, and knowing him, a big irritant because it's been ongoing for us, but to say it's all of his problems in life? All the other stuff he said in counseling about HIMSELF, the things that shocked me that he believed about himself that had me wondering what I considered to be a good person, and then in the end *I* get stuck with changing to make Mark happy, and Mark is told of ways to make himself happy when *I* am unhappy in the marriage? *I* am the one that made the appointment? Why freaking go back? No one listens to me, no one cares what I have to say. For our next appointment, I am totally not going. I'm going to tell Mark to just go, make a list of what I should change and bring it back, because there is no reason for me to be there to be ignored and blamed for his problems in life. I thought about cancelling it, but decided no, Mark can do that if he wants. I'm simply not going.
Besides, why would I go back to that counselor when she insulted me? She was talking about why we should stay together, and in her comments, she said "you're both weirdos". Freaking excuse me? I open up to you in counseling, and you call me a weirdo? I've never ever ever had a counselor do that to me, never. I've been to several counselors, actually, more than that. Individual, group, oh my gosh, and there are plenty of people out there who are much more "weird" than us, and even if not, who the HELL is she to judge? I don't go there to be judged, but I guess she is human, she is going to judge whether she announces it or not. I have kept cool and not sent her an email about how angry I am because I know it would be poor judgement. I have a habit of doing that - putting how I feel in emails and a year later when I'm no longer angry thinking "I really regret doing that...".
I don't know, I just feel betrayed for some reason, and by Mark, I don't know why. It's like he said yes, I feel angry and depressed and it is her fault when I know it's not, but at the same time, I watched her kind of talk him into it. I mean really, what the hell? Is that marriage counseling? So I feel angry that he let her talk him into it.
So since counseling, he's been all super nice to me, and I've kept him at a distance. If I'm all of your problems, why are you being so nice to me? Why don't we just break up and your life will magically be roses and sunshine? If the mail on the bar is all of your problems in life, let's break up and you'll have a clutter free house and all will be well in your world. Sounds simple to me. Except that's not it, right? If that was it, it would just be simple, right? It sounds ridiculous, doesn't it?
So yes, begrudgingly I've been picking up, but I'm bitter, very, very bitter. Sure, he's happy about it, but I can't even TELL you how bitter I am. I've cried all the way to school a few days this week. I don't know if they're angry or sad tears. It's all too hard to process, and I don't even know if this is fully processed yet.
I feel like I've opened up too much in this post. I think I'll stop now. It's too soul bearing when I haven't even thought it all through yet.