I Don't Want To Care!

I have a yucky feeling that is hard to describe or explain, but I'll try.  I'm really tired of...getting upset about what people do or don't do, wondering why they did or didn't do something, being angry that they think or don't think something, but none of it is obvious things, it's all very passive.  It's not dysphoria, it's just...I want to feel peaceful, I want to not care.  Why did they say something to me that I think is rude?  I don't want to wonder why they said it, how they meant it, what is going on in their life, try to be empathetic, I just want to NOT CARE.  Or if they didn't do something that I think they should have done, then wonder, why did they not do that?  Why are they so rude?  What did I ever do to them?  And then I treat them just as rudely back by not doing things back.  Like sending an email and not getting a response, or a text, or not the answer from a friend you expected, or hearing something from a friend you really didn't want to hear, or the expression on your husband's face that you're not sure why he made when you were talking, or just general reactions from people - good, bad, or nothing at all when you wanting ANYTHING. 

I want to NOT CARE, to be completely detached from what people think about me, from how they feel about me, from what I think and feel about them, maybe from caring about people and the world in general.  Life seems like it would be so much easier if I JUST DID NOT CARE.  It's not that I don't want to have emotions - I like the ups and downs (well, liking the downs is a bit much, but how can you have ups without feeling the downs?) I am just tired of caring what people think about anything at all.  Even about what they think about any subject - I don't want to care.  I don't want to be passionate about anything, that requires too much emotion - when it's good, it's great, but it can also cause anger, and then you care about what people think about an issue and I don't want that. 

I'm annoyed about people caring about who will be the better president when both choices suck.  Every presidential election, I always hear people say "I'm just going to vote for the lesser of two evils".  Why does it have to be that way? 

Maybe I'm making absolutely no sense, but I don't know how not to care, and I desperately want not to.  I would feel SO much better if I had that peace of mind of not caring. 

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

damn. I so get what you mean. I do exactly the same thing. Its like a constant thing in my head, always wondering why people do this and that and this and that. Its so repetitive its sickning.

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