I do not want to go to marriage counseling with him again. What's the point? No one listens to what I have to say, what I think, how I feel. It's all about him. She basically disagnosed him yesterday, and it was a very unflattering diagnosis, she called him a certain kind of person who has a personality disorder that I could tell took him by surprise. It did me too, actually, but, well, I can see it. I guess not everyone considers it an insult, because I read a blog where someone considers it a compliment and uses it as a reason to blog all how great they are.
I tell you though, it's a VERY unhappy life for that person in general, but you'd never know it to hear them talking about themselves, never in a million years, and I'll be damned if I'm going to be blamed for someone elses' unhappiness. So what came out of the marriage counseling yesterday? Ways for ME to change to make Mark happy, and ways for Mark to change to make HIMSELF happy. That's such f'ing bullshit. *I* was the one who made the appointment because *I* was unhappy in the marriage to start with!
My friend at school noticed there was something wrong with me so I sort of told her what was wrong but not any details. She could tell where my mind was going regarding my marriage and said being single sucked, I didn't have a good reason not to be married, and it was better the way I have it. I'm not thinking of divorce, I just...I can't live this way. Honestly, I'm probably being overdramatic, but I can't help the way I feel or the way I've processed things.
So how does it leave me? Bitter. Angry. Upset. Wanting to be alone. All the time. Thinking the world would be better off without me, who would care anyway? Apparently Mark would be better off without me, my friends wouldn't even notice, my family barely knows me anymore and hasn't seen me in years, who would care? I doubt there would be a wet eye if a service were held where hardly anyone showed up, just people who felt they had to be there out of obligation for who knows why, what obligation anyway?
Is it normal when someone feels like they just don't want to be around anymore, and they've been suicidal in the past, for their mind to then naturally jump to how they would take care of it? I think it must be. Your mind was there for so long in the past, that it's not unnatural for it to go there, it's just a natural thought, so you kind of daydream about it. And you feel a little better knowing it's an option, even if it makes you cry a little. Not that I would do it, but, you know, it would be nice if I could. Just make everything go away. And everyone would be so much better off. If they didn't think they were initially, eventually they would see that I was right, and probably even understand.