Just Go Away

It's the day after marriage counseling, and I'm still so upset.  I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm everything.  I guess Mark is doing what the therapist told him to do, be more positive and look for ways to be grateful, I don't know.  He's been overly nice, even though I'm hardly speaking to him.  I'm not being mean to him, but it's all I can do to be around him.  So I answer if he says something, but I can't just be my normal self, it's not in me, and I don't want to pretend, I don't have the energy. 

I do not want to go to marriage counseling with him again.  What's the point?  No one listens to what I have to say, what I think, how I feel.  It's all about him.  She basically disagnosed him yesterday, and it was a very unflattering diagnosis, she called him a certain kind of person who has a personality disorder that I could tell took him by surprise.  It did me too, actually, but, well, I can see it.  I guess not everyone considers it an insult, because I read a blog where someone considers it a compliment and uses it as a reason to blog all how great they are. 

I tell you though, it's a VERY unhappy life for that person in general, but you'd never know it to hear them talking about themselves, never in a million years, and I'll be damned if I'm going to be blamed for someone elses' unhappiness.  So what came out of the marriage counseling yesterday?  Ways for ME to change to make Mark happy, and ways for Mark to change to make HIMSELF happy.  That's such f'ing bullshit.  *I* was the one who made the appointment because *I* was unhappy in the marriage to start with! 

My friend at school noticed there was something wrong with me so I sort of told her what was wrong but not any details.  She could tell where my mind was going regarding my marriage and said being single sucked, I didn't have a good reason not to be married, and it was better the way I have it.  I'm not thinking of divorce, I just...I can't live this way.  Honestly, I'm probably being overdramatic, but I can't help the way I feel or the way I've processed things.

So how does it leave me?  Bitter.  Angry.  Upset.  Wanting to be alone.  All the time.  Thinking the world would be better off without me, who would care anyway?  Apparently Mark would be better off without me, my friends wouldn't even notice, my family barely knows me anymore and hasn't seen me in years, who would care?  I doubt there would be a wet eye if a service were held where hardly anyone showed up, just people who felt they had to be there out of obligation for who knows why, what obligation anyway? 

Is it normal when someone feels like they just don't want to be around anymore, and they've been suicidal in the past, for their mind to then naturally jump to how they would take care of it?  I think it must be.  Your mind was there for so long in the past, that it's not unnatural for it to go there, it's just a natural thought, so you kind of daydream about it.  And you feel a little better knowing it's an option, even if it makes you cry a little.  Not that I would do it, but, you know, it would be nice if I could.  Just make everything go away.  And everyone would be so much better off.  If they didn't think they were initially, eventually they would see that I was right, and probably even understand. 


Meg said...

I'm sorry. This is tough. Your husband is going to have to learn how to make himself happy. That is not something you can do for him. That's why I was concerned many moons ago when you suggested the answer to marital bliss to be running enough or being in shape enough or being thin enough or looking good enough for your partner. That is a nice perk but that is never the answer. Happiness comes from within not visa-versa. And people who are overly focused on outward attributes after about 35 years old generally have a deficit in some part of their lives or inner beings.

Marriage is a marathon, not a sprint. I would hold off on making any big decisions and give yourself some time to digest and just be. Maybe take some time apart from your husband.

And for what it's worth, I personally would not go back to that marriage counselor. You might get a lot more peace by seeing someone individually so you can have someone who really supports you. That, in itself, will help your marriage or at least help you know how to proceed.

KansasSunflower said...

Meg - thanks. I think there was a misunderstanding - I totally agree the answer to marital bliss is not trying to stay attractive for your mate, I was simply saying that not to try to do so was taking them for granted.

Yes, I will hold off on any big decisions. The hurt and anger is slowly wearing off, but it's been almost two full days and it's not nearly gone.

I'm pretty sure your're right, I won't be going back to that marriage counselor. It's all I can do not to send her a "go to hell you bitch" email, but in a nice way, of course. : )

KansasSunflower said...

To Sairs - I think your name is Sairs - I tried to publish your comment about 5 times and then it disappeared and never published!

I'm sorry you can relate, but at least I don't feel so alone. It's very frustrating, and I don't understand it. Why doesn't someone just want the other person to be themselves and be happy? Some things can seem so petty to me, but apparently not to others.

Mark said...

A lot of people would disagree with your friend who says "being single sucks". I would.

KansasSunflower said...

Good point, Mark, and I totally agree. I think she was comparing our lives - she is going to school, living with her mom, and barely able to make her car payment at 47 years old, not married. You know, being single might suck for her in what she might think my life is, and granted, financially, it is much smoother. I had good times when I was single, but at 43, I honestly have no idea what it's like to be single any more?

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