Not Better

Marriage counseling went horrible, horrible, horrible today.  I can't decide if I'm more mad, if I'm more sad, if I'm confused, if I'm all of the above, I'm just very...defeated.  I'm tired of trying, I don't think it will help anything anyway.  He will always be unhappy eventually anyway, he is with everything in his life no matter what it is.  Nothing holds his attention for long - he's happy with it for awhile, and then he has to change it.  Cars, jobs, maybe me too.  He wants everything to change to his liking when he is bored of it.  I didn't say this in counseling, but it's what I think, and I'm tired of changing. 

This has absolutely NOTHING to do with me being bipolar.  Nothing whatsover, that doesn't even get brought up.  I'm not saying his concerns aren't valid, I'm just saying, I'm tired.  When do I get to think about my OWN happiness instead of worrying about someone else's all the time?  I'm not happy, not at all, and no, I do NOT need to rush to my psychiatrist, I'm not depressed. 

I'm just barely speaking to my husband, but only because our counselor said "not to punish each other" for today's session.  He's being much much nicer to me than I am to him, but I wonder, how much of it is even genuine? 

I feel like I don't even know who he is.  Maybe it was better that way, perhaps I didn't need to know. 

What makes someone a good person?  Is it someone who is charitable?  Is it someone who believes in God?  Is it a law abiding citizen?  Is it someone who is moral?  Is it someone who is compassionate?  Is it someone who is loving to their family and friends?

Should I publish this post?  Probably not, but hopefully I'll feel better about everything by tomorrow.

1 comment:

Sairs said...

I oh so feel your pain. I feel the same way about my marriage sometimes and I feel like I have to be the one to make all the changes and do everything he wants me to be/do and he won't do the same, he won't change anything for me. It's very frustrating and hurtful. I really related to your post. I hope you are feeling a little better having gotten it out!

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