Birthday Week off to a Bad Start

Mark took this week off from work because it's my "birthday week", which was so nice of him, but then he got a jury summons and had to go to court today.  He could tell during the questioning in voir doire what the case was about - it was a  man who had broken into his ex-girlfriend's house and assaulted her causing bodily injury, and they were charging him with a Class B Felony, and wanted to know if people would be okay with giving him a life sentence.  Wow, that brought back memories that I did not want to remember.

They asked him (and everyone) if they or anyone they knew had experienced domestic violence, so he told him that his wife was in an abusive relationship when he met me.  The State came back and asked why he thought women stayed with abusive men - I thought his answer was pretty insightful - because of love and fear. 

Luckily he wasn't chosen to sit on the jury.  No one was.  They dismissed all the jurors and are starting with a fresh jury tomorrow, thank God.  The trial was supposed to last all week, the whole week he took off!  And to be honest, I wasn't looking forward to hearing about the details of that case, and I started thinking about the poor victim who was having to endure a jury trial and who would have to recount the events in a courtroom with her attacker and former boyfriend right there.  That would be horrendous.  It would take a lot of courage for someone to go that far in the system and follow through in getting justice.  They would NOT want me on that jury!  He's already guilty in my mind!  I called the police so many times, dropped charges many times, got a protective order, but then got back together with my exboyfriend, filed more charges, and finally the state's attorney told me he would no longer drop the charges and - that's the end of the story.  I'd be curious to see what his criminal record looks like today.  LOSER.

I have an appointment with my OB tomorrow, and I'm really dreading it.  I found something that needs to be checked out, and I'm afraid of what it is.  They did a blood test last time I was there and checked for everything, and told me I didn't have the HPV virus, but if that is true, what the hell is the thing that I have?  If it's what I think it is, I will start crying in the office, like, boo hoo crying.  I had the HPV virus in my 20's, I know I did, I told them I did, but then after a pap smear and a blood test, they told me I had NOTHING, no STD's, and even wrote on the form they sent me "DO NOT HAVE HPV VIRUS" and circled it, because I said I was concerned about that in particular.  It said I had no diseases of any kind, and this was just a few months ago.  I didn't ask for the test, it's just something they were offering everyone, so since they were offering, I said sure, test me for everything, EVERY SINGLE THING they could think of.  It came up with nothing, I was totally healthy in every way and completely disease free.  So what the hell?  I told Mark, and he said "Well I haven't slept with anyone else and you haven't slept with anyone else, so just go find out what it is!".  I'm not educated on anything in this area, so I suppose it could be a million things that I don't even know about.  I'm just afraid of it being the one thing, the only thing, that I know it could be.  It doesn't bother me at all, I wouldn't even have known it was there, except you can feel it.  But other than that, there are no symptoms that would make you rush to a doctor.  And actually, had something similar not happened before, I might not be going now either.  I mean, it's totally treatable if it's that, medically it's no big deal, it's just...I thought this was over, in the past, I could finally forget about it.  I hope that's still true, I'm really really hoping for that.

Mark has done an awesome job at working on his happiness by reading this book his counselor gave him, and has come up with some awesome insights about himself.  He's much happier, I think, where I don't believe he was ever happy before.  It got me to thinking about my own happiness.  Where he is constantly thinking about it, how to get and stay happy, I don't think about it at all.  I am just happy, and if I'm not, I just let myself be unhappy until I'm happy again. If it gets bad, I go to my psychiatrist who tweaks my medication, and then I'm happy again.  I don't have big roadblocks like he does that keeps me from being happy.  I think, overall, I'm just a naturally happy person, but I get down on myself and am critical of myself more than I should be, I think. 

However, I can relate to being deeply, suicidally depressed and working hard to getting out of  that depression.  Now THAT is hard.  I would have said many times that it would be impossible, but obviously, it's not.  I think the key to that is catching it as early as possible with a med change (if it is indeed chemical, of course).  The longer I wait, the harder it will be to drag myself up out of the trenches.  The thinking patterns in my brain will have already rewired themselves in a negative way.  And then it might take counseling to fix myself.   Ugh.  Counseling.  I avoid it at all costs.  I've done the whole counseling thing - years of weekly therapy along with weekly group therapy - I've done my time.  And I do not like meeting new doctors and starting all over with my childhood, because they won't just let me tell it and move on.  It has to be this big theatrical production from them about how awful it was to show me their reaction in relation to what happened, and I just don't care.  Save the theatrics for someone who really needs to know, because I don't give a damn anymore.  I made it out, and I've realized, that's what matters.  I can also have empathy for people in abusive situations that other people don't understand - I mean, I know that things are good for me because I know the circumstances in which many people live - and they don't know they have a choice.  Well, the adults do, but the children don't, which makes me angry at the adults, very angry.

Blah, this entry is depressing, and I'm not depressed at all, just tired.  Good night. : ) 













1 comment:

Flabbergasted Mom said...

OK so I had to comment on this because I've seen a LOT of therapists like that before I was diagnosed with BPD 2. They *all* wanted me to go into all the details from my past and "release" my rage and my pain and my fear, blah, blah, blabbety, blah.

My new psychiatrist (first one I've gone back to after the first appointment in all honesty) told me that "Analysis is paralysis" and that, essentially, it doesn't really matter how I/we got to where we are now - now is the issue. We can't change the past so we have to figure out how to move forward into a healthier future.

A different way of looking at things, eh?

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