No Friends

I haven't had any good friends in a long time.  I haven't found anyone that I wanted to really make friends with in a long time, nor does it seem like they want to be good friends with me.  Not that I don't have acquaintances - sure, I have plenty of those.  I go to school every day, and I'm not the outcast or anything.  Everyone is very friendly, and I'm friendly back or I initiate the friendliness and they're friendly back.  But it doesn't go outside of school, except for the few times I went to lunch with a couple of classmates after school, and then I stopped going with them because I didn't want to gain weight. 

When I was working, I always made friends, I would make best friends with people and do things with them outside of work.  I'm not sure why school is different.  Or is it because of school?  Is it me?  I've often thought maybe it's because no one I go to school with is really like me.  When you work with someone, you have a lot in common with them, but I really don't with people in my classes.  It's not an age thing, most in my class are closer to my age than being younger.  I would say many are even older than me.  I don't know if it is the economy that has forced them to find a new career just like I've had to do - well, yes I do, I know that one friend, "friend", I have at school, that's exactly why she's there.  But all of these people - once they finish school, they will be in careers that will pay more than their original careers.  Not me.  I'm hoping that one day I can achieve what I once had when I was at the top of my former career and that I'll be able to earn as much as I once did, but I'm doubtful.  Their idea and my idea of what a good income is are completely different.

But back to friends, I wish I had some "real" friends, not just old friends that I never see.  I don't even really consider them friends anymore.  I'm not even sure I know how to define a friend.  Maybe what I mean is a CLOSE friend. 

When I think of moving to Chicago, I think - I'm leaving nothing and no one behind.  There isn't anyone in Texas I would miss.  I would miss the school I'm now attending, I really like it and I feel comfortable there, but that's more of moving outside of my comfort zone and trying something new.  It's fear of the unknown, when I might like a new school better. 

I think it's sad that I've lived here for over 20 years and feel like I'm not going to miss anyone if I move, that I'd still have the same amount of contact with people here in Chicago that I do now living here.  How is that?  Just through the internet, that's how I communicate with my old friends, I never see them, so nothing would be different.  And my family is in Kansas or Colorado, it would be nice to get away from a lot Mark's family members, so there you have it. 

It's depressing, actually, but maybe a good thing.  Leaving no ties behind, nothing to hold me back.  Makes the decision to move easier.

I'm not delusional enough to think that moving to a new city would mean I would be able to suddenly be able to make new friends, quite the contrary.  I know I'm in for a culture shock, but I'm hopeful it will be a good culture shock since I'm originally from the midwest. 

We'll see what happens.  Who knows, maybe we're going nowhere.


charlie pie said...

know the feelin when i went to uni all i wanted was 2 meet good close friends ... everyone seemed 2 be in groups x all i can say is hang on in there sometimes it takes time x if u hang out wi aquantances now n then u may meet someone thru them who u click with x good luck

KansasSunflower said...

Thanks Charlie : ) I hope so!

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