I just found out that my Grandma has been in a nursing home for a few months.  No one in my family tells me anything!  My little cousin just happened to mention it in an email in passing, like I already knew.  There's a big problem with this, other than it being very concerning.  I want to visit her, but my mother works in the same nursing home in this very small rural Kansas town.  I haven't seen my mother in 26 years, and haven't talked to her in probably 14 or so.  The last time we talked, she said I would never see her again, I should I always remember her as "beautiful".  Sorry to say, Mom, I never thought you were beautiful, but whatever excuse you want to use not to see me.  I *have* seen recent pictures of her on her husband's (boy is he a sight to see - yucko, a minus 20 on a scale of one to ten) facebook page.  She really hasn't changed that much - still very slender, she's just aged in the face and has gray hair.  How in the world am I going to visit my grandma and not come in contact with my mother, who I hoped I would never have to interact with again?  It would be so uncomfortable.  I mean, I could be nice to her, and then she would be rude back to me, I could be cordial to her, then who knows, that might hurt her feelings, it's all so sensitive.  I'd just rather not go through it at ALL.  Whatever happened, it would be an event, an incident.  Of course, it could be her day off when I go, or it might not be during her hours, or she could find out I'm there and avoid me altogether.  Those are possibilities as well.

Still waiting to hear on the relocation package to Chicago, and still researching suburbs to live.  There's so much to think of - changing psychiatrists is a big one, of course.  I just want to find one who will prescribe what I'm currently taking and leave me alone, is that too much to ask?  Somehow I don't think it works that way, but what I do I know, I haven't tried to find a new psychiatrist since 2000, and that was a DISASTER.  I don't know if I have a good psychiatrist or a bad psychiatrist until I'm in a crisis - a suicide spiral and I need out fast - a quick med change that HAS to be right, and then, and only then, will I find out how good that doctor is.  My current doctor knows me well, he knows exactly what to try, what will work, what won't.  He's been my doctor for 11 years, we've had lots of trial and error experience.  He knows I don't need to come in often, and if I do, I will make an appointment and come in when I need to see him, I won't wait around.  We don't talk a lot, I like that.  I'm just used to the whole process we have.  Ugh, I used to think I didn't like going to him, but when I think about switching, the alternative is not good.

Mark was scaring me last night by telling me there are coyotes in the Chicago suburbs, and showing me this chart that showed what breeds of dogs get eaten the most by coyotes.  The breed of dog that gets eaten the most by coyotes?  Shitzu.  What do I have?  A Maltese-Shitzu.  What was he, and the chart, trying to say?  That coyotes have a special craving for Shitzus?  That Shitzu owners, above all dog owners, need to be careful with their dogs from being eaten by coyotes?  So I had noticed in all the houses we've been looking at on the internet when searching to find one to buy that nobody has fences in their backyards.  But Mark said that didn't matter - the fence would need to be at least 8 feet high to keep out a coyote.  What?  I mean really, what website was he reading?  But I was planning on getting Bailey a long, long leash like thing that you can buy at the pet store and attach or ground down so he could run around the backyard - he could run out about 80 yards from the house or so - plenty of room to play outside for a little 5 pound dog, when it's not cold and snowing of course.  So Mark tells me no, you can never leave Bailey outside unattended, he will get eaten by coyotes.  I mean COME ON, really?  I think it would be this huge national story if there was this huge problem in Illinois of coyotes eating all the little dogs (especially Shitzus).  Yes, we are thinking of living on the outskirts of the city, the outer parts of the suburbs, probably where coyotes have been driven out, but seriously?  My dog can't play in the yard at 3:00 in the afternoon in a residential neighborhood?  Will the coyotes run past all the school children and head straight for my dog? It just seems really far fetched to me.

So, that's about it.  I would really like to know if we're moving before or after Christmas because I do not want to pay for a quarter of school to have to drop and have that tuition added on to my school loan.  My loan is big enough!



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