So Lonely

I just walk through each day, alone.  I get up, alone.  I go to school for three hours, come home, alone.  Spend the rest of the day, alone.  My husband comes home usually on Thursday night, but this week, tonight, late Friday, probably around 10:00p, he'll be home.  And he'll leave again first thing Monday morning. 

I've been TRYING to reach out to my old friends.  I've been trying to make new friends.  I'm just tired of getting rejected or blown off.  And I'm tired of being alone.  I'm not blaming my husband.  He's trying to move us to Chicago so we'll all be together, he doesn't like us being separated, and I broke down and cried on the phone when we were talking and made him feel so horrible.  But he asked me before he took this new role what I thought, and I was okay with it.  I'm an adult.  But when I was in my 20's, I had a ton of friends, none of us had families, no one wanted to stay home, we were out every night doing things together.  Now everyone has families and that's where they want to be, and I don't blame them.  But that leaves me very lonely. 

I think, wow, if Mark and I weren't together and something happened to me and I died in the house, how would anyone ever know?  By the stench on the sidewalk two months later?  Because it's not like people call me to see how I am, if I stopped showing up to school they wouldn't call to check on me, they would probably just send emails, try to call, and then drop me.  My family doesn't call and check on me - I go for months and months without talking to them.  And friends, well, yeah, I don't have any.  I'm not sure when I became aware of how isolated I truly am.  Probably when I decided I wanted friends.

It's a push-pull kind of thing.  I think I want to get close to someone, and then the last time someone suggested going to lunch I was taken aback.  I thought "Oh, that's a big step!".  I hadn't seen the person in probably ten years.  But, like I've been saying, these are old friends, and my other friends I haven't seen in at least 15 years. 

So see, we all aren't friends who are chatting on the phone daily, checking on each other's well being, knowing how the other is doing on a day to day basis.  Would they come to my funeral?  Yes, probably.  But how would they find out I had died?  I've often thought I should give Mark my facebook password because if anything ever happened, no one would ever know.  No way.  It's not like they would call me and I wouldn't answer for a week and they would think "Hmm, that's odd...".
But then again, if they would never know, why should I care?  Why should THEY care? 

I think what I'm going to do is try not to focus so much on MYSELF, how *I* feel.  Perhaps I should just concentrate on making OTHER people feel happy.  In turn, maybe that will make me feel happy.  I don't feel cared about, so maybe I should make other people feel cared about.  If they feel cared about, maybe that in turn will just simply make me feel good. 

It's hard, though.  I keep wondering what I did, even though I know I'm in this self-afflicted isolation camp.  I pushed everyone away, everyone.  And now I want them back, and they're not scurrying like little mice towards me.  Why would they?  But it hurts.  I feel so unloved. 

So lonely.  It really doesn't matter what the reason is, why, who, where, when, anything.  I think everyone just wants to feel that they MATTER.  That's why, whenever people are talking to me, no matter where I am, McDonald's drive-thru or the jewelers, I look people in the eye when I'm talking to them.  Because I want them to know I *see* them, that they DO matter, and I try to let them know, in some fashion, that I care, even if I just say sincerely "have a nice day".  You never know, that may be the only nice thing that person hears from someone all day.

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