Still No Friends

Maybe I've posted this before, I don't know.  But I don't feel like I have anything in common with my old friends.  And I don't feel like I have much in common with the people I go to school with now.  So who does that leave me to be friends with?  No one.  I'm not saying I have to have *everything* in common with someone to be friends with, but just the very foundation, just the basics, you know?  I don't have kids, but virtually all women my age have kids at some age and, well, I must admit, it has changed them.  For the better, for the worse - they would say for the better, of course.  Yes, I am interested in their kids....to a point.  Their kids are their lives, not my lives.  I don't have to worry about this or that to do something, yet I have to wait on them to figure out how to do something or go somewhere.  When I'm tired, I go to bed.  If I want to take a nap, I take one.  When Mark and I want to see a movie, or go to dinner, or go on vacation, we just go.  Yes, I love kids, and I know I would love my own child madly, but I don't have one, so...yeah, I have nothing in common with my friends who have kids.  Asking someone to do something and them telling me "Oh, I have to wait for so-and-son's soccer schedule first..." just makes me want to blow them off as someone who isn't serious about our friendship.  Yes, I get that people have to check first in general, maybe with their husband or wife even, before they make plans, but get this.  TWO MONTHS LATER after I asked my friend to go to a baseball game with me and she said she needed to wait for her son's sports schedule first, she sent a schedule to me and asked when I wanted to go.  My response?  None.  I didn't bother to reply.  Being blown off for two months is not my idea of friendship, and to use your child as an excuse, well, just makes me think that I don't want to be friends with people with children, which is what my old friends have made me think.  My other old friend I asked to go to a baseball game (by the way, these are both big baseball fans) said she'd love to go after pestering me all last year to get together with her.  So she said that her daughter from college would be so excited to see me again.  Well, I didn't invite her, and I haven't seen her since she was two or three, why exactly would she be excited to see me?  Sure, I sent her a high school graduation gift, but that hardly counts as being excited to see someone.  So what happened?  It got blown off, by both of us.  Mostly by her, I kept telling her to pick a date without acknowledging her daughter's excitement and she never did, and that was that.  She later posted pictures on facebook of being at the baseball game.  Why EXACTLY am I trying?  Perhaps I'm putting too much emphasis on them having kids.  Perhaps they just don't want to be friends with ME.  Maybe I'm looking for an excuse for it NOT to be me, when actually it is.

I'll send emails to people, many times they won't reply.  They're not sad or complaining or anything - mostly asking them about themselves.  Yes, I have blown off ALL of my friends for a very long time, and am just now coming out of my shell.  Maybe I should have expected some of this.  But it's not like THEY tried or broke down my door trying to be friends.  No one has done that. 

It's very lonely.  I have marriage counseling today, which I LOATHE and have not been back since the big blow-out, and am NOT looking forward to it.  I'm always afraid she's going to ask what we do with our friends, because the answer is, for me, nothing.  I do nothing with friends.  I have no friends.  Sure, I have "facebook friends", but those aren't real friends.  Those are electronic connections, many with narcissistic tendencies that just want to show the world how wonderful they are in whatever way they perceive wonderful to be - through family, riches, being clever, beautiful, success, being the most perfect Christian in the whole world, the most ethical and politically correct person in the whole world, there are many ways people perceive being wonderful.  Those people, and they do include the two people mentioned above, are not my friends.

A new quarter at school starts tomorrow.  Maybe I won't be so lonely and sad and bored and will get my mind off of all this.

And, I did happen to score Championship Tickets to the Rangers Game (provided they make it that far), and Mark is going to go with me, so that's massively awesome! : )

5 comments:

Neo said...

I can understand how you feel about losing touch with friends or feeling like you have nothing in common with people. Although I am a single parent and have been for 12 years, I have the same problem of losing touch with friends and having a hard time finding someone who is capable of setting up a time to hang out or go someplace and actually follow through with that. I can also relate to feeling blown-off and it sucks. For a long time, I've thought I was bipolar, but my doctor diagnosed me last year with Borderline personality disorder. I think sometimes having either one of these diagnoses can cause one issues with relationships, just because both tend to have mood swings at some point that are hard to handle & there aren't many people willing to deal with that. I also think it has to do with things changing as we grow older. Everything changes, including relationships. I'm slowly but surely learning this hard and painful truth. I guess it's a good opportunity to find out who your true friends are, and if you feel like you've been left with none, it's a good time to create some new and lasting relationships. I've joined an online group on facebook that is related to interracial/intercultural relationships (I'm in such a relationship) and I have made quite a few friends that I would consider close. Although facebook can be used for such negative things as you listed above, may I ask why you keep those people on your friends list? I just went through and delete 200 or more people that I realized I never talked to and truly had nothing in common with. It made me feel so much better! :) I hope you are able to find some real, lasting friendships, whether it's through a facebook group, church (if you go), or perhaps another online group that you have things in common with. Have you tried joining something like that which is local? Good luck and my thoughts are with you! I love how honest and open you are with your blog. It's great! :)

In the Pink said...

Before I went nuts I had tons of friends. Afterwards I lost many because of my behavior towards them or because I cut everyone out of my life for months.

Now after all that I have one great Best Friend and she has a baby. I had to understand her son's needs were to come before anyone else including herself. So give the momma's out there a break and give your friends time to come to terms you are back in the saddle again.

KansasSunflower said...

Thanks, Neo! : ) Why do I keep them as facebook friends, good question. Because people are so offended if you unfriend them, that I've learned to just unsubscribe from their feeds, but how many people can I keep unsubscribing from? I like Facebook because it keeps me updated on my favorite things - like my baseball team! You're right, it's harder to make friends as we grow older, I've always heard that. I just wish it was the same as when I was younger. Although, I did go through a long and serious depression, I did move an hour away, I did blow off all my friends, it was a lot of my fault. But I would forgive myself if I were them. Wouldn't I? What Facebook group are you on, if you don't mind my asking?

KansasSunflower said...

In the Pink - thanks. : ) Yes, I did cut all my friends out for various reasons - I didn't want to socialize, leave the house, drive that far, and God forbid they drive to me because I moved to the larger, scarier city an hour away, changed jobs, on and on. I only felt safe with my husband for many years, but now I want to get out, be with people, only...there are no people around. Yes, I'll give those mamas another chance. : )

KansasSunflower said...

Thanks, Neo! Sounds like an awesome group! : )

Back to Top