A Lot of Nothing to Say

Mark and I had a good marriage counseling session, and the therapist didn't bring up the last session I went to where I had vowed never to go back and see her.  When we go in to see her and there's nothing to say, I don't even know why we're there except Mark wants to go.  She asked if we wanted to wait six weeks to come back, and he said that sounded good.  I thought - why don't we just discontinue this whole thing?  I so very much hate going, but if I were the one who wanted to go, I would only hope that Mark would be willing, so, I'm going.

We went to a comedy club to see a hypnotist because I think comedy hypnotists can be so freaking funny!  They seated us at a four person table when we were the only ones at the table, and I went to the restroom.  When I got back, I saw that another couple had been seated at the table, so I introduced myself to both of them, they told me their names, and I started making small talk.  I had assumed that while I was gone Mark had already done the same - exchanged the basics, at least names.  No.  They had all been sitting there not acknowledging each other and I just walked up all bubbly and extroverted not knowing they didn't even know each other's names.  But truthfully, as soon as they each told me their name, I forgot it.  I was that disinterested in both of them.  For all my complaining about not having friends and being lonely, why do I find some people incredibly boring the second I meet them?

I know it sounds like I'm desperate for a friend, or friends, very much, but it can't be just ANYBODY.  Maybe that's part of the problem.  I have high standards to be friends with someone.  Acquaintances?  People I talk to on a regular basis at school or wherever?  Sure, I have a lot of those.  But to actually hang out with someone in public because I want to, not because we have to - I can only think of past friends.  Maybe that also has to do with my inability to let people in now.  I let my old friends in a long time ago - they feel safe, even though it feels like they are hurting me now.  I can't imagine opening up to a new person and just talking about my life, or that they would even be interested.

I stayed home from school today - bad cramps.  I need to go back to the OB/GYN and get on birth control so I can just skip my period altogether because the menstrual pain reliever prescription does nothing for me.  And I went for my follow-up breast ultrasound today, and everything looked good, so I don't go back for six more months.  Telling me to come in every six months for an ultrasound on one of my breasts - seems wasteful of health care dollars to me. 

Mark found out today that his boss had completely forgotten to get approval from one other person for the relocation package and it has just been sitting in his email all this time.  Do you know how frustrating that is???  But, I'm sure there's a reason for everything.  I will probably find out later on that whenever we move will be a perfect time for some unforeseen reason that I can't imagine yet.  I just hate my life being in limbo right now. 

My weight has stagnated, but at least I'm not gaining anything back.  I can wear a lot of my old clothes before I gained weight, but not all of them.  I have no idea how I look - fat?  Thin?  Maybe both, it's in the eyes of the beholder.

Guess I'll try to go back to sleep....


Jen Daisybee said...

Good luck with your marriage counseling sessions; I hope it works out for you!

KansasSunflower said...

Thanks, Jen! : ) It has really helped since we started going in July 2011, but I hate it now.

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