Am I Delusional? I Don't Think I Am.

I was very talkative, social, and felt great today!  But I hate when I have to step back when I feel really good and wonder - "do I feel TOO good?" Why can't I just have a good day where I just happen to have a lot to say, I'm positive about everything in my life, and what's so wrong about being happy?  Why does that mean something should be wrong with me?   I felt like my old self today, and that was wonderful.  I didn't do anything crazy - no bad decisions, didn't buy anything, no arguments with anyone, everything was normal.  It makes me wonder how many days like this I've missed because my medications normally keep my moods from fluctuating too much from a basic flatline.  But I tell myself what I consider an emotional flatline is what NORMAL people feel, that my actual good is TOO good and my bad is TOO bad.  How do I know what "normal" is when I'm told I'm not normal and I apparently can't experience it without medication?  I don't like "normal".  But...it keeps me from going into the depths of hell with seemingly no way out, so...I stay on medication and suffer with the flatline.

I had overcome the serious anxiety about moving, then Mark came home from Chicago with all his worries and anxiety about things we needed to do and wondering what all we needed to do, and the happy feeling went away. I was thinking..."Wow, he really brought me down. When I was by myself, I was up, now I'm not."  He can't stop freaking out about getting our house ready to put on the market in January, but to me, that's over two months away before we can even talk to our realtor because his company is paying for our move and the realtor, so I want to tell him to lighten up, but that would just make him mad.  I know he doesn't understand how much stress and anxiety it gives me and how I need to avoid stress at all costs to stay healthy.  I'm doing the best I can, that's all I can do. I don't think I ever play the "bipolar card" to anyone, but in this case, I may have to in order to keep my sanity.  And its not an excuse, it's the truth.

I've been having these deep conversations with people - but not actually having them WITH them, just mock conversations in my head.  But they are very intense, so much so that I'll be interrupted when I see someone and it will break my concentration, and I wonder if I was talking out loud or moving my lips to the words that were in my head.  It's hard to explain and I don't understand why I'm constantly doing it.  It's as if, at that moment, the conversation is actually taking place until I'm interrupted and brought back to reality.  It's not as crazy as it sounds, but...it's pretty weird for me.

I am really, really tired.  I'd like to write more, but the allure of going to bed is much stronger than my need to write.  So...good night!






4 comments:

Gledwood said...

Well... I've felt pretty wonderful all this week and I don't REALLY think I'm that hypomanic. I'd never truly say I feel my thoughts "racing" (for example) until they're really whizzing so fast I can no longer catch up with them. My thoughts tend to crowd my head at the lower grades of mania, but this week I didn't even get that. All that's happened is I'm more talkative and talk a lot louder, and laugh a lot more, and am more disinhibited and am sleeping maybe one hour shorter than usual. And that's about it. O, and I feel wonderful. So is that hypomania...? I really don't know.

You know I'm really wondering whether most bipolar people have cyclothymic moods most of the time..? And if so, how cyclothymic and to which pole ordinarily predominates..? I'm thinking of putting up a question on this on one of those forums I joined.

The most depressing thing about the forums is that I joined in an attack of mixed psychotic mania (and you know how it is you can be pretty ill and yet surprisingly able to cope in CERTAIN WAYS and at CERTAIN TIMES... so I managed to join the forum AND read other people's posts and my symptoms seemed ever so much more severe than theirs which was disconcerting. (I was psychotic as in hallucinating voices and visuals pretty floridly and I had weird ideas in my head and paranoia but I wasn't really delusional and certainly knew I was mentally ill ~ hence the forum). The mania was mixed in that my mood switched between high and low pretty rapidly so I'd find myself feeling pretty extremely high and yet thinking about horrible things like sexual abuse that people have told me about... afterwards I was so traumatized just the MEMORY of how I felt that week was a trauma... not nice.

Ukh why do I feel the need to say all this? I really need some counselling I think... I have so many unresolved issues around "mental illness" ~ terrible, terrible terrible!!!

KansasSunflower said...

What were the hallucinating voices saying to you, or were they just voices you heard but couldn't make out the words? That's happened to me more than once, and it's creepy, it seems so freaking real! Can you tell they're not real? Usually I can't, but once time I could. I told my doctor about it, but it usually has occured in the "twilight" of sleep, and he won't diagnosis anything occurring during that time.

You do seem to have a lot of questions (as do I, hence my blog) about our disorder. I don't know if counseling is the answer - what does your psychiatrist say? Do you ask him or her your questions? I know my visits are limited to 15 minutes now, and I just try to get in and out as fast as possible! : )

Gledwood said...

The voices talked constantly when I was really mad but I had to tune in to pay attention to what they were saying, when they were in constant monologue I remember someone asking me specifically what they said and I listened and came back with something to do with a person being abused which sounds dark but to me it was all random irrelevance (not hyper meaningful) sometimes they just said stupid things like when I once ran down stairs the stairs yelled out ONK ONK ONK DONK DONK! I once heard a voice in one ear saying "nervous breakdown" and then one in the other saying "schizophrenia" and that put me in a really bad mood as I was only just coming to terms with the fact that I was probably a manic-depressive but schizophrenia was just too much to contemplate!

Indistinct voices: I used to get a lot years ago.

I haven't seen a shrink in 18 months I fell through the cracks as I am housed by one london borough but was living in another so I came under 2 healthcare departments and the 2nd just let me down... terrible I know!

KansasSunflower said...

Gledwood - oh wow, so that's what it's like to hear voices? Very different from my experience! It sounds like you were able to tell they weren't real then. Sounds scary to me! I have weird things happen, like I hear a television reporter talking and I can't make out the words. It's very annoying and I won't be near the television so I'll go into the room to turn it off and see that it's not on. As soon as I see the television is off, the voice stops. That's happened to me since I was about five and I argued with my mother that the television was on when we were in another room and the shock I had when I saw it wasn't on - I'll never forget that!

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