Chicago - Not An Update

Right this very *moment*, I'm okay.  I'm not desperately lonely.  Mark is home for the weekend so I've done all sorts of things, but he leaves in the morning, and I'll once again be alone for the week with no friends.  By the time he gets home, I'll feel like the loneliest girl in the world.  I know that sounds so needy and codependant, and I'm not desperate for my husband to be here, I'm just wanting socialization in general.  Sure, I love being around my husband, but it would help things a lot, I mean a HUGE lot, if I had friends I could do things with during the week when he was gone.  I'm starting to sound like a broken record.

So, the move to Chicago.  It's making me really, really anxious because it's so up in the air.  I don't know when it will happen.  The last information I was given was that Mark's boss told him that he found out the package for his level was very generous, and included things like buying our house.  Mark had searched everywhere for the relocation package for his level and could not find it, so we had, and still have no idea what it is.  He didn't go into any other details, other than to say it was very expensive and he was going to try to get it approved.  But Mark said he is 100% sure it will get approved, that is just the way his boss is - he moves very carefully and slowly.  I think, why do you even tell me these things?  Don't you realize that my mind doesn't know how to process this - that I can't even plan my life for the next few months?  I need to reorder magazines, but I can't.  I'm out of InStyle, but if we're not here for a year, I don't know how to forward a magazine.  I want to reorder D Magazine, but why get it if I'm in Chicago?  There are so many little things like that which I know sound trivial, but it adds up to make me anxious that I don't even know where I'll be in two or three months - even at Christmas.  I search for houses in the Chicago area and find ones I like, then it makes me anxious because I don't know if one I really like will still be on the market when we do move.  It's just a horrible, horrible feeling.  But it would be so nice to have Mark come home every night after work instead of being alone every day of the week.  Sometimes I'll look around at the backyard and think, "Will I not be seeing this next year?", because I will miss our house.  It's our first house together, and we picked out everything, watched the new trees grow for ten years, etc.  It's the longest time I've ever lived in one place in my life.  So it's weird that I think things like that, and then I think, but I don't KNOW that, maybe we won't move and I'm being ridiculous.  It's so up and down.

My little cousin - she just turned 21, started dating a man who is 40.  No one was happy about it, and then she got pregnant.  I saw his pictures, ick.  She's still seems like such a kid to me, and he just looks kind of creepy, but I guess he sort of is.  He has a daughter that is 19.  He is older than MY husband.  But - I figured there are enough people against her, she just needs someone who is supportive so I've been doing that.  If she's happy and he's treating her well, what more could anyone want?  Yes, I think she's making a big mistake, and she's smart enough to not get married just because she got pregnant, but they did buy a house together.  The thing is - I'm not that close to my family, but I would want them to support me no matter what.  I would hope they would welcome anyone I was with and they have except for my Dad who did not like it when I was 19 and was living with a 26 year old.  He made that quite clear, even know we weren't close and I didn't even tell him and we lived in different states.  He could be very obsessive compulsive-ish once he got something in his head, and that was what he decided was in his head to go nuts over at the time. 

Tomorrow is Columbus Day, which is good, no school, but bad, because I'll just be home.  When I was in my 20's and I was going to counseling, and I went out with my friends every night after work and hung out with them on the weekends.  My counselor was concerned about it and gave me an assignment - to stay home for a weekend by myself.  Think of things ahead of time that I enjoyed doing by myself and learn to like being with myself.   I was really nervous about it and didn't want to do it, but I did it.  I was very faithful to the counseling process, and it wasn't bad at all, but I have just always had an issue of being alone all the time.  I don't like it.


No comments:

Back to Top